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They were destructive thoughts that relentlessly plunged me into a deep inner emptiness and made me stare numbly into the distance, tormented by the mere thought of being an integral part of my father's life again.
A week ago I would have loved to beat him until there was nothing left of his sick soul, but I might be in jail now if the twins hadn't intervened, which would have been no consolation even if he had died.
Taking a deep breath, I only heard the faint sound of the sea, because the festive music behind me drowned out this beautiful sound and it just made me incredibly angry that I was standing at a fiesta again and had to represent my father's name, which unfortunately was also my own was.
I hated my life, especially my life without her... but I complied, even if I was reluctant to do so, because I had completely given up fighting after the last week. It made no sense anyway...
"Emilio, are you ready for tomorrow?" Hektor spoke to me from the side and I reluctantly took my eyes off the dark sea to look over at him absently.
I nodded blankly at him and let my eyes wander briefly to the people celebrating next to us, upon seeing them I immediately noticed that many of the women returned my gaze with a smile.
But they didn't really want me. Just my name and the idea of me. That had become clear to me at the latest when I could admire something like love in the eyes of my butterfly for the first time. She looked at me in a completely different way and just remembering the sincerity of her looks made my heart shatter into a thousand tiny pieces that no one could ever mend.
Oh, Isalie... what have you done to me...
"I'm going home," I told Hector, who immediately grabbed my arm and looked at me in bewilderment.
"Emilio! Your father will certainly not approve of this," he said worriedly and I could literally feel how tense he was at that moment. I knew exactly why...
He must have expected Ernesto and I to kill each other at all times, and I'm sure he was trying to avoid him trying to make me just blindly do what this spawn of hell wanted us to do.
As was the fact that we had an appointment the next day with a certain Gilbert, who would soon die at my hand and my father's will.
"My father isn't even here, Hector," I replied, looking around for a while. The few lights gave enough view of the faces of the people drinking and dancing in the sand, but there was no sign of Ernesto. "Well, like I said. I'm going home."
Hector nodded his worried face, reluctantly stepping aside so I could walk past him. Without looking around again, I quickly walked across to the street, where my old Audi was already parked under one of the many lanterns.
The music behind me finally quieted down. The laughter stopped and yet my mind just couldn't seem to get any rest.
"Hey! Do you have a cigarette?"
Her gentle voice gave me goosebumps like lightning all over my body and finally, after three weeks of seemingly endless longing, I was released while my heart was beating in my throat.
Wide-eyed, I turned to the side, but instead of bursting into joy, I was startled by the sight that unfolded before me that evening here on the fringes of the fiesta.
"Butterfly?" I whispered barely audibly into the silence and incredulously examined her completely foreign appearance.
Instead of her dark blonde, slightly wavy hair, a curly, long, black mane adorned her head and she was dressed like a noble whore. Those really high heels... the low, daring neckline of her black dress, and those huge sunglasses, even though it was long after dark.
That couldn't be my innocence. When I saw her, I was pretty sure that the time had come where I seemed to be mentally going insane. Surely she was an erotic hallucination triggered by the never-ending chaos of my mind.
"Pssst!", she snapped at me paranoid and took off her black glasses and suddenly I recognized her and the full extent of her beauty in this blue-green sea of the most extraordinary colors.
An overjoyed, albeit slightly irritated, smile graced my lips immediately and I just forgot all the drama that had happened between us at that moment. I just wanted to hug her tightly and with that thought I swore I would never let her go again.
I would not survive this fatal mistake again.
"You're back," I breathed tears, and while I felt like a little boy whose broken heart lay all alone in her tender hands, I wasn't ashamed in front of her for a shred of silk.
I would never reveal this fragile, clingy side of myself in front of anyone else, but with her I couldn't help but be completely open about my feelings.
I wanted to approach her, take in her scent and just forget the burden on my shoulders for a moment of bliss, when suddenly she frantically snatched my keys from my hand and, shaking, unlocked the car to pull open the back door and find herself to put in.
"Come in quick!", she instructed me and slowly even I was getting nervous, although I saw no reason for it at all.
Was I already so completely blinded by love that all I could think about was wanting to be close to her without giving a second thought to why she looked like that or seemed so paranoid?
"Emilio!" she admonished me as I just stood in front of the open door and then pulled me into the car by my hand, where she immediately leaned over me to close the door. "You have to listen to me very carefully now!"
She was just about to pull away again, but I grabbed her face and looked so intently into her large eyes that I could feel her beginning to tremble slightly under my hands.
"Are you scared of me?" I whispered, because since that day on the beach this one question has been burned into my heart and if she said yes, I would be more broken than ever.
"No," she breathed honestly, not avoiding my gaze for a second, but then, as the silence seemed to take us back and time around us stopped ticking, I could see her eyes fleetingly to my lips and her breathing slowly increased.
She carefully placed her hands on my heaving chest to sit spread-legged on my lap while our eyes held themselves captive.
"I'm not afraid of you, Emilio," she added, and I slowly ran my hands over to her shoulders, only to notice a strand of her lighter hair appearing between the black curls.
I immediately looked at her in bewilderment and ran my hand over the black curls to find out at the back of her head that it was a wig.
"Shall I take them off?" she asked softly and without me being able to control it, a seductive grin spread across my lips just from the beguiling sight of her.
Of course I loved her natural looks, but like this, with the wild curls and the plunging neckline, she drove me madder than ever, especially when she started provocatively moving her petite hips on my lap.
"Leave it on," I whispered in a dark voice, knowing that she wanted to tell me something. Something that was on her mind, but I had to have it now!
Right here, in the back of my car, between the tinted windows and the view of her slutty dress.
"Did you walk here alone with that rag?!" I asked, thinking that she might have seen other men like that, but she shook her head, grinning, cupping her hands on my cheeks, her lips so close to mine to come that I tensely held my breath out of sheer excitement.
"So only you can see me!"
