“LONGING TO BE WITH HIM”

"Any news about Marius, Kuya?" I asked Andrew, unable to contain my curiosity.

Truth be told, Marius never really left my mind. And I would be lying if I didn't admit that I still love him deeply until now, especially after seeing MJ who looks so much like him.

"Tell me, do you still love him?" Andrew asked me, his gaze straight into my eyes.

I quickly averted my eyes from Andrew after a few moments. Then, I picked up my coffee cup and took a sip.

"Love never really goes away, right, Kuya?" I replied instead.

A gentle smile formed on Andrew's lips.

"That's what Lana told me too. When she last spoke to Marius, he was looking for you just like before. Honestly, I can't help but feel regretful about how things turned out between you two," Andrew said.

I sensed from my brother's tone that he truly meant his words. This surprised me because I knew that Andrew didn't approve of Marius for me after the accident.

"It seems like the winds have changed, huh," I joked, trying to ease the tension in the air.

Andrew shrugged and continued eating his breakfast.

"He loves you very much, Sam," he replied instead.

I sighed deeply.

"Do you know everything?" I asked him, looking at him meaningfully.

Andrew nodded. "He told me everything. And I admit that I understand your side of the story of what happened. But eventually, I thought that maybe you should have listened to him. Maybe you should have let him explain so things wouldn't have ended up like this."

I felt slightly offended by my brother's words. But as he said, I chose to broaden my perspective.

"It's just that everything isn't easy, Kuya. It's not easy to forget everything he did," I almost whispered, then continued eating.

"I understand. But if ever, are you ready to see each other again?"

I paused at that question.

Honestly, I told Calum last night that I was ready for a possible meeting with Marius. But truth be told, that's only half of the truth. And now, because of this conversation with my brother, I'm not sure if I still have half the courage I had to face that man.

"If it's okay, Kuya, let's not talk about Marius for now," I finally requested my brother.

He nodded. "But I have to tell you," Andrew said.

I remained silent, so Andrew continued with what else he wanted to say.

"I actually reached a point where I planned to tell Marius the truth," Andrew confessed.

"What?"

"You heard me right. It's a good thing I held back. Our sibling bond prevailed, that's why," my brother added.

"How is Marius now, Kuya? Did he finish the project in Baguio?" I decided to ask.

Truth be told, if I ever had a chance, I really wanted to talk to Marius. I wanted to be with him so badly. I would be lying if I didn't admit that many nights I dreamed of being able to hug and kiss him again. And I also wanted to experience his way of claiming me again.

"Yeah, he finished it. Marius is professional, and that's one aspect of his character that I admire," my brother replied.

"That's good to hear. Anyway, if it weren't for what I found out, maybe we would still be together until now. I also pretended to have amnesia before just so I could stay by his side. You know, to have another reason to be happy with him after everything Lena told me," I admitted to my brother.

"Lena? Did you know I heard something about that woman? It seems like she left their town in Bulacan and is now here in Manila?"

"Oh really? That woman again. I never liked her. And that's the reason why I feel uneasy about her," I said, my voice slightly tinged with annoyance.

"Do you think, Sam, that you and Marius can still resolve this issue? Even if it's just for MJ?" he later asked me seriously.

I shrugged. "He's still the father of my child. But a lot has changed, Kuya. I don't know and I have no assurance that despite everything you said, I can still trust Marius. Rebuilding trust is difficult once it's broken."

"Yes, but you know, you don't have to rush in rebuilding trust with him. Everything has a process. You can start by being friends first. Even if it's just for the sake of your child. Right?"

"I'll think about it," was my brief response along with a sigh.

I wanted to tell my brother that I wanted that. I wanted to rebuild our family. But I decided not to. I decided to keep everything else I wanted to say to myself. Because even though he's my brother, I know the limits of what I should tell him. Although he's more than a brother to me; he's my best friend.

"Thank you, Kuya, for being the best big brother, like always," I said instead.

He just nodded with a smile. Then he reached out and gently kissed my forehead.

"Anything for you, as long as it's you. You know you're my favorite, right?" he said, following it with a soft chuckle.

"You don't have a choice," I replied with a laugh in the end.

*****

Andrew and I talked about many things after that. But it wasn't about Marius and our situation. MJ woke up late but still waited for us.

"When can I tell Lana about this?" my brother asked me as I escorted him to the gate.

I sighed at that question. "Later. When the invitations are out," I replied.

"It's up to you. Anyway, if you need anything, just let me know. I'm not too worried because you have Calum with you," he said.

"Yeah, aside from you, you know he's my other best friend, right?" I said.

At that moment, Calum was inside the house, having breakfast.

"If your friend needs a job, just tell me. It's the least I can do for him. It's my way of making up for the way he looked after you when you were pregnant and alone," Andrew said.

I smiled widely at what Andrew said.

My brother is really kind.

"You're the best, Kuya," I said.

"Oh, by the way, before I forget, Lana has been pregnant, for two months," he informed me.

I was so surprised that I quickly covered my mouth with my hands. In an instant, I felt my lips longing to congratulate my sister-in-law.

"Congratulations, Kuya. I'll be seeing my sister-in-law soon. I'll just convey my greetings to her," I said, hugging Andrew tightly.

He patted my back. "I understand," he said.

I could sense the meaning behind Andrew's words as I looked into his eyes. A lot has happened in just a year since I was away from them. But now I'm back. And I have a different story to face with them. Although, because they're family, they're still part of that story.

"Just give me a call, okay?" Andrew said as he got in front of the steering wheel.

I nodded. "I'll see you soon, Kuya. I love you!"

"I love you too," he replied before driving away.

I just watched the car drive off. In my mind and heart, there's still the longing that I could experience accompanying Marius to the gate every time he goes to work.

"I still love you so much, Marius. Despite the immense pain you caused. I still love you so much."

I wish the words I uttered could be carried by the wind to reach Marius.

I wish everything could be simple.

Because I'm so eager to be with him.

That's why I know I need to be strong when we meet again. I need to bury the old fragile version of myself. So that I won't get hurt again.