“EMBRACING LONELINESS”

A sorrowful sigh escaped my lips as the memory lingered, heavy and bittersweet. I couldn't contain the torrent of mixed emotions swirling in my heart at that moment, each one vying for dominance. The room felt both empty and suffocating as if the walls themselves were closing in on me, amplifying the silence that followed our latest argument.

I glanced again at my child's crib, where he lay sleeping peacefully, his tiny chest rising and falling with each breath. The sight brought a fleeting sense of calm, but it was quickly overshadowed by the ache in my chest. I sighed once more, the sound echoing softly in the quiet room.

"I really wish you were here. Like last night, when we slept side by side," I whispered to the stillness, my voice barely audible but laden with yearning.

The memory of our closeness felt like a distant dream now, something just out of reach. I sighed again, feeling that somehow, in this small act of exhaling my sorrow, I might alleviate my longing for Marius, even if just a little. The emptiness beside me in the bed was a stark reminder of his absence, a void that no amount of sighing could fill.

My thoughts drifted back to our last conversation, just this morning. The way his voice had hardened, the tension that had crackled between us like a live wire. We had argued again, a familiar pattern that left a bitter taste in my mouth. The memory of it made me sigh yet again, a deep, weary sound that seemed to rise from the very depths of my soul.

I turned my gaze back to the crib, watching the gentle rise and fall of my child's breathing. It was a small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless. I wished I could hold on to that peaceful image, let it soothe the raw edges of my heart. But the reality of Marius's absence loomed large, a shadow that darkened even the brightest moments.

The night stretched ahead, filled with the promise of more solitude and reflection. I could feel the weight of it pressing down on me, a tangible force that made each breath feel like a Herculean effort. And yet, there was a strange solace in the stillness, a quiet acceptance that this was my reality, at least for now.

I quietly laughed at myself afterward.

It seemed like all I could do lately was sigh. Somehow, I felt that with each sigh, I might alleviate the heaviness in my chest, but it never worked. The weight of my sadness remained, as persistent as ever.

I missed Marius so much.

I longed to be with him, but my pride held me back. It wasn't just pride, though. There was also the heavy burden of mistrust that made it hard for me to open up to him again.

Sighing, I looked around the room that felt too big and too empty. The shadows in the corners seemed to mock my loneliness, growing longer with each passing moment. My eyes fell once more on the crib, the only bright spot in my life right now. The sight of my sleeping child was a small comfort, but it wasn't enough to fill the void left by Marius's absence.

I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to ward off the chill that seemed to seep into my bones. The room was quiet, save for the soft hum of the baby monitor and the rhythmic breathing of my child. It was a stark contrast to the whirlwind of emotions inside me, a storm that refused to settle.

I remembered the way Marius used to hold me, his arms a sanctuary where I felt safe and loved. But those memories were tainted now, overshadowed by our arguments and the doubts that plagued my mind. I wanted to believe in him, to trust him, but my heart was still raw from the wounds of our past.

Another sigh escaped me, heavier this time, as if my very soul was exhaling its pain. I knew I couldn't continue like this, trapped in a cycle of longing and mistrust. Yet, I didn't know how to move forward, how to bridge the chasm that had opened between us.

The night seemed endless, each minute stretching into an eternity. I glanced at the clock, willing time to pass faster, hoping that with the dawn, I might find some clarity. Until then, I was left with my thoughts and the unrelenting ache in my heart.

In that state, I suddenly felt my phone vibrate and light up.

My heart pounded in my chest as if I were nervous, even before I saw who was calling. The sensation intensified when I read Marius's name on the screen. Almost reflexively, and in a rush, I grabbed the phone.

My hands trembled slightly as I brought it to my ear, the anticipation making my breath hitch. What could he want? The question swirled in my mind, each possible answer filling me with a mix of hope and dread.

For a moment, there was silence on the other end, a silence that felt like an eternity. Then, I heard his voice, deep and familiar, tinged with a softness that made my heart ache.

My grip tightened on the phone. A thousand responses ran through my mind, but none of them seemed right. I wanted to lash out, to tell him how much he had hurt me, but at the same time, I wanted to fall into his arms and forget everything.

"Marius," I began, my voice calm and steady, hiding the rush of emotions swirling inside me.

I forced myself to sound normal, masking the longing I felt for Marius. After all, I didn't want him to know just how much I missed him or how much I craved his presence.

"Sam, how are you?" he responded, his voice a familiar comfort that stirred a mix of joy and apprehension within me.

A sweet and wide smile automatically spread across my lips as I heard his voice. I sat up from my lying position, feeling a flutter in my chest as memories of our past encounters flooded my mind.

"It feels like we just saw each other earlier today," I said instead, letting out a soft laugh. This time, I couldn't hide the excitement in my voice, the thrill of reconnecting with him palpable.

I could almost hear the smile in his response. "I know. It hasn't been that long, but it feels like ages."

There was a brief pause, filled with an unspoken understanding between us. The silence was comforting, almost as if we were sitting together in the same room, sharing a moment of quiet companionship.

"I couldn't sleep," Marius replied.

I didn't immediately respond to what I heard. I knew where Marius was leading with his words, and I wasn't wrong.

"Sam, I miss you," he said.

His words felt like a gentle stroke of an angel's wings against my heart. I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could say what I wanted to, Marius beat me to it.

"Do you miss me, Sam? Don't you miss me?" he asked me.

I found myself momentarily at a loss for words upon hearing Marius's statement. It was as if time stood still, and the weight of his words hung in the air between us. My heart fluttered, caught between hope and apprehension, unsure of how to respond to such a candid confession.

"What kind of question is that, Marius?" I finally managed to utter, my voice betraying a hint of disbelief and longing.

Marius's next words, delivered with a tone that resonated with longing and sincerity, only added to the tumult of emotions swirling inside me. "Sam, I want to see you," he expressed, his voice carrying a plea that tugged at my heartstrings.

I couldn't help but let out a sigh, my mind racing with a myriad of thoughts and emotions. "Y-You can visit here at the house to see your child, Marius," I replied, my voice trembling slightly as I struggled to mask the longing in my words.

Deep down, I yearned to hear Marius admit that he missed me too, but I dared not assume. Despite his straightforward expression of longing, I couldn't shake off the doubts and uncertainties that clouded my mind.

"Sam, it's not just MJ I want to be with. I want to be with you too," Marius said softly, his voice carrying a hint of longing that tugged at my heartstrings.

His words sent a rush of conflicting emotions through me. Part of me wanted to embrace his confession, to acknowledge the depth of our connection and the unspoken desires between us. But another part hesitated, held back by fears of what could go wrong and the uncertainties that lingered between us.

I mustered a smile, masking the tumult of emotions swirling inside me. "Marius, I'm feeling quite sleepy now. Can we perhaps continue this conversation tomorrow?" I suggested, trying to buy time to sort through my feelings and thoughts.

Silence hung in the air for a moment, filled with unspoken sentiments and unexplored possibilities. I couldn't deny the pull I felt toward Marius, the yearning to hear more of his words and to delve deeper into the unspoken truths between us. Yet, I also couldn't ignore the cautious voice in my mind, urging me to tread carefully and guard my heart.

As Marius agreed to postpone our conversation, I couldn't help but wonder what tomorrow would bring. Would it be a chance to unravel the complexities of our feelings, or would it deepen the mysteries that entwined us even further?

"Tomorrow I'll come to see you. Can we go out? Have a stroll with our child?" Marius asked in quick succession, his tone implying a mix of request and demand, seeking an answer from me.

"But aren't you going to work tomorrow?" I countered.

I heard an amused chuckle from the other end of the line before Marius spoke again. "Have you forgotten, Sam? I'm the boss, remember?" he reminded me.

I couldn't help but smile broadly at Marius' words. "Oh, that's right," I replied, chuckling softly. "Alright, see you tomorrow?" I added.

"We'll meet tomorrow, Sam. I'm eagerly looking forward to it. Honestly, I might have trouble sleeping tonight because of how excited I am," Marius exclaimed, his voice tinged with anticipation and eagerness.

I couldn't help but feel a surge of happiness hearing his excitement. "Sure, let me know what time you'll be arriving," I replied, trying to contain my excitement.

"Probably in the morning, so we can have more time together," Marius responded, his voice carrying a hint of longing for our upcoming meeting.

As our conversation came to an end, I couldn't help but reflect on the joy and contentment that Marius's words brought me. Despite the sense of solitude that often accompanied my nights, that night, I drifted off to sleep with a genuine smile on my face, filled with anticipation for the new day ahead.

*****

"AND why does it seem like you woke up so early?" Calum found me the next morning, having coffee in the kitchen.

I glanced at my friend and smiled. Just then, one of the uniformed helpers approached us and placed a freshly brewed cup of coffee in front of Calum.

"I was thinking about whether to cook breakfast," I replied, taking a sip of the coffee and savoring its warmth.

I shifted slightly in my seat, trying to appear nonchalant as Calum's perceptive gaze fell upon me. The early morning sunlight streamed through the kitchen window, casting a warm glow over the room and highlighting the subtle tension in the air. Calum's raised eyebrow spoke volumes, his expression a blend of curiosity and suspicion that I couldn't quite evade.

"Why the sudden urge to cook breakfast? Is there a celebration we missed, or perhaps an unexpected visitor on the horizon?" Calum's voice was laced with a hint of skepticism, his eyes narrowing ever so slightly as if he could decipher the truth from my every move. His meaningful look seemed to penetrate through my attempts at composure, leaving me feeling exposed and vulnerable.

Caught off guard by his probing question, I instinctively adopted a defensive stance, hoping to deflect his line of inquiry. "Why are you giving me that look?" I replied, my voice tinged with a touch of defensiveness as I avoided meeting his gaze head-on.

Calum's response was a subtle eye roll, a silent gesture that conveyed his impatience with my evasiveness. "Let's cut to the chase. Is Marius scheduled for a visit?" His words were direct, cutting through the air like a knife, leaving little room for ambiguity.

My shoulders slumped slightly as I realized the futility of trying to hide the truth from Calum. With a resigned sigh, I finally admitted, "Yes, he mentioned wanting to spend time with his child." The weight of my confession hung in the air, mingling with the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, creating an atmosphere charged with unspoken emotions and the anticipation of what the day would bring.

"So, are you going to cook him breakfast? Why didn't you just agree to his idea in the first place?" Calum furrowed his brows as he asked, his words laden with curiosity.

"Idea?" I echoed, still trying to make sense of his statement.

"Didn't Marius offer you to live with him temporarily along with your child? What other reason is holding you back from agreeing? Honestly, I'm certain that what happened between you two will happen again and again. Am I right?" Calum's questions were direct, hitting me with unexpected clarity.

I hadn't prepared for Calum's final statement. Yet, despite the undeniable truth in his words, I managed to compose myself, silently grateful for his candor. It was a conversation I hadn't anticipated having, stirring emotions and thoughts I had tried to bury deep inside.