Feelings

It was already Wednesday and I had not heard a single word from Beth since Saturday night's amazing encounter. I was beginning to think that she felt she had made a huge mistake. Even though that night was the most incredible experience for me since my wife Susan had passed away, it was not worth losing Beth's friendship over. Several times that day I had picked up the phone to call her but was overwhelmed by panic every time. I made a promise to myself that if she has not called me by Friday night, I would call her.

We both live in the same gated subdivision and I actually have to pass Beth's home several times a day, as they live on the main street in the community. I usually leave about five o'clock in the morning and rarely return until maybe seven o'clock in the evening. When you have nothing to come home to, you're never in a big rush to get there.

For several days, I slowed down passing in front of Beth's, hoping to see her outside or perhaps in her vehicle. By Friday morning I still had not heard from her or run into her at home. I decided that I would call her when I got home that evening. All that day work seem to drag on, my mid wandering on my problem. I decided to stop on the way home and get some takeout, take an early shower and stay in.

After getting out of the shower, I ate my dinner while watching TV, as I usually did. I kept staring at the cell phone trying to get up the nerve to call her. Finally at about nine o'clock that evening I called. The phone rang several times then I got her recorder.

"Hey Beth, this is Jeff. I haven't heard from you all week, I hope you're ok, call me when you can."

Several hours passed and nothing. Now I knew something was wrong. Beth never took this long to call back. I decided to leave one more message then leave it in her hands.

"Beth, call me when you can. Take care."

I went to bed about midnight but couldn't sleep. This was my wife's sister, my sister-in-law and a part of my family. What had I done ? And more importantly, what if Beth feels really bad about this and opens up to Lance about it. I was not afraid of anything physical between Lance and I, he was too timid around men, he only bullied women. But I just knew he would love to tell the rest of the family what had happened. My in-laws were great people and this would devastate them. They both took Susan's death really hard. She was their oldest child and her mother's best friend. Although Beth and her mom got along real well, she was closer to her Dad. Susan and her mother were two peas in a pod. They spoke at least twice a day on the phone. This was becoming a disaster.

I awoke the next morning and immediately grabbed my cell phone. No messages. This was the nightmare that I had feared. I got up, showered and prepared to run errands. Then finally, the phone rang and it was Beth. I took a deep breathe and answered.

"Hello", I managed to muster in my best nonchalant voice.

"Hi Jeff, its Beth, how are you ?", was her reply.

She began to tell me how busy at work she had been that week. She said that she had thought about calling a few times but never got up the nerve. I confided to her that I had did the same thing. Suddenly two people who used to always get along were now struggling to even hold a normal conversation.

"Look Beth", I told her, "I think we should have a talk when you have time. We can't leave things like this between us. Can we meet up when you have some time."

"Sure", she replied, "I am working today. I am at the office alone on Saturdays. This would be a great place to talk with no interruption".

"That will be great, Beth. How about noon or so. I will stop and get lunch if that's ok".

"Good, I will see you about noon."

I stopped and picked up lunch, then headed to Beth's office which was about twenty minutes away. On the drive I was trying to think of what to say and how to say it. I arrived and was glad to see only Beth's car in the parking lot. I still had a key to the building since Susan had been Beth's partner for years and I still owned half of the building along with Lance and Beth. I locked the door behind me and headed up the stairs to Beth's office. As I reached the top landing, I called out to Beth as not to startle her.

"Back here.", she called out from the Conference Room.

I walked in and set the bags of food on the table. She looked amazing as usual. She hugged me and gave me my usual kiss on the cheek. Not good, I thought as I sat down. I opened the bags and laid out the food as she finished up on her laptop. She soon joined me and began eating. We made small talk and it was obvious neither one of us wanted to start this conversation. Finally, I decided to be the one.

"Beth, I don't know what to say, but I have to say something. The other night was amazing but I somehow sense it may have been a mistake." , I said, looking for some sign of how she felt in her face.

She looked down, then finally spoke.

"I had a wonderful time too Jeff. It's just that I don't know quite how to relate to you now. I mean, what exactly are we now. Are we friends, are we more ? I just don't know."

"I really don't know either, Beth", I replied, "But we need to figure this out."

"Yes, I know. Lance knows something is wrong with me. He has asked at least a dozen times this week what is going on with me. I have just been telling him I'm exhausted, but I don't think he is buying it."

"Beth, if he finds out, you know he will tell everyone in the family." , I told her.

She nodded her head in agreement as she took another bite of food.

" I just think the best thing to do right now is just take some time to think about this Jeff."

"If that's what you want Beth, I am ok with that. I just don't want to this to come between what we were before it happened."

"I agree." she replied.

We agreed to take some time and think about what had happened and to weigh the situation out completely. We talked for a few minutes more and I left her to her work. As I drove home, I knew I had to put any romantic thoughts of Beth as far in the back of my mind as I could. On the way home I did my usual errands as the next day I was going to see Susan's parent, which I still did at least once a month.