REGRETS

I laid on the sofa that night so frustrated at myself for letting things get this chaotic. how could i allow myself to fall in love with beth ?

i couldn't get the sight of her and lance out of my head. i wanted to go over there and drag him out of the house and beat the crap out of him. but , from where i was sitting it certainly appeared beth was co-operating fully. suddenly i knew i was going to be sick. i jumped up and ran to the bathroom, barely getting there in time.

I was restless all that night and awoke early the next morning. as i opened my eyes, my mind immediately went to work. did lance spend the night ? i think what really bothered me the most, was that beth had not even tried to contact me and try to explain. i got dressed and left for work.

Christmas was saturday, we were off on friday , which was christmas eve. jennifer's office party was thursday night at one of the five star restaurants in the french quarter. i left work early that thursday to make sure i was ready on time. i pulled into my drive about an hour later and opened the box to get my mail. i went inside through the mail on the table and went to get cleaned up. After taking a shower and getting dressed, i noticed i was about an hour early. I turned on the tv and grabbed the mail. as i was sorting through it i came upon a letter hand addressed. i opened the letter and pulled out a small piece of folded paper. on it was printed :

[ i know this is not fair to you. i can't imagine what you are going to think of me after you read this. i wanted to tell you in person, but i can't bear to look you in eyes and see the hurt i am causing you. you have been through so much already. know that i do love you but i have to try and make this work. ]

no name, no signature, nothing but those words. as i stared at the letter, i was numb. this was it ? after all we went through i was going to get a generic dear john letter. however, the more i thought about it, the more it made sense. no names. that way if i did decide to try and get even, nothing on the letter really proved it was from beth. in fact did she even write it ?

i went over to the drawer where susan had kept sentimental things she had gotten through the years. one of her most prized possessions was a letter that beth had written susan about a month before susan died. it was a touching letter that thanked susan for being the best big sister a girl could ever have. i opened it and compared the writing. as i thought, beth had not wrote the note personally, i am guessing so she could deny it in case it ever came up. i guess she had one of the girls in her office write it for her. i took both letters and put them in the same drawer.

i arrived at jennifer's condo about seven that evening. the last thing i felt like doing that evening was being around a lot of people drinking and having a good time. i would have much preferred to stay home and feel sorry for myself. i walked up to the entrance and pressed the buzzer for 4d. a few seconds later the buzzer sounded.

"jeff, can you come up for a second, i am not quite ready."

the buzzer sounded again and i pushed open the door. i took the elevator to the fourth floor, got out and found my way to 4d. the door was slightly ajar, so i knocked briefly, stuck my head in and announced i was here.

"come in and sit down, i will be right there.", jennifer called out.

i walked in and closed the door. i looked around and noticed how well the home was decorated. everything in it's place, very expensive furnishings. the kitchen was open to the main living room and it was spotless. i moved over to a large beige leather sofa and sat down. about five minutes later, the bedroom door opened and jennifer walked in.

she was wearing a long red dress, floor length. she had on black heels and her hair was pulled up off her neck and shoulders. she was absolutely stunning. the gown clung to her body like a second skin, showing off all of her natural assets. she scurried around the condo grabbing things and putting them in her purse. we quickly exited and made our way back to my car.

The party was pretty much as i figured it would be. people drinking too much, giving them an excuse to behave differently than they could under normal circumstances. All i could think about was beth and the letter i had just gotten. apparently, i must have seemed pretty down, because a young lady, maybe mid twenties, came over to where i was standing and said hello. she introduced herself as katie, she was one of jennifer's secretaries. she proceeded to fill me in on who was who in the rooms. jennifer was against the opposite wall talked to two other attorney's. Katie, then started to ask me questions. routine at first, but then getting a bit more inquisitive.

"have you ever been married before.", she asked.

"yes, i was once.", i replied.

"oh, so your divorced. yea been there, done that.", she quickly fired back.

"no, my wife died years ago. cancer.", i continued.

"Oh, i'm so sorry, i didn't have any idea.", she replied, and gently touched my arm.

"it's ok, i know you didn't.", i responded.

at that point, you could see she felt terrible, she hurriedly tried to change the subject. she told me jennifer had told her about our first date. i could see perhaps she had been coached in maybe finding out what my intentions were. jennifer soon joined us along with another young woman who jennifer introduced as one of her paralegals. after about an hour, the grand ballroom opened and the party flowed inside. there was a very well known local band on stage and the music started. by now the alcohol was flowing freely and inhibitions were fading. the band played a very nice mix of both relatively new songs and older classics. there were a few songs played that susan and i had danced to in our day. i saw jennifer looking at the couples slow dancing out on the floor. i was ready to go home but i knew i could not ruin jennifer's night. the band took a break of about thirty minutes and returned to the stage. the singer spoke into the microphone and announced to the crowd that this was their couples segment of the show, where they played only slow music. the crowd applauded and the music started. jennifer was finishing up a conversation with another woman just as the first song ended. jennifer walked over to me and grabbed my hand.

"you wanna dance once with me ?", she asked, shyly.

"um…well…i haven't danced in years, jennifer.", i replied.

"first enough of the jennifer, its jen, and second, that's not a problem, i haven't danced in years either.", she shot back.

"ok, jen…. i'll try."

we moved out on the floor just as the band started the second song. appropriately they started playing "open arms" by journey. i reached out and took jennifer in my arms, she responded in kind. i started moving nervously to the music, it had been a while.

lying beside you, here in the dark

feeling your heart with mine, softly you whisper

you're so sincere, how could our love be so blind.....

The band was doing a great job with the song. i noticed that jennifer had gotten a little closer to me, pressing her body to mine. she smelled very good, although the scent was unfamiliar to me. she had one hand on my back, the other on my shoulder. she was a very good dancer and soon she had me moving in sync with her. i could feel her warm breathe in my ear. as bad as i was feeling, she felt very good in my arms. i felt the hand on my shoulder move up slightly to the back of my neck. she began lightly stroking my neck, brushing my hair gently back and forth. i closed my eyes and wondered, how had i gotten to this point in my life. this was not at all what i had pictured. just when you think you have turned the corner in your life, up comes another hurdle. thankfully the song ended shortly there after.

Through the night we danced a few more times, and soon the crowd began to thin out. we decided to leave as well, it was getting late. on the ride back to jennifer's the topic of christmas came up.

"what are you doing for christmas ?", she asked .

"i have no plans, probably spend a quiet day at home.", i answered.

"you're not going to your mother in law's for dinner ?", she asked.

"no, they have been invited out for the day this year.", i responded.

she then asked me if i wanted to go with her over to her parents house for dinner. she explained that her entire family was gathering and it would be a nice day.

"no, one should be alone on christmas.", she explained.

"i have heard that.", i answered, "but, i am used to it. its really not that big of a deal."

"well it is to me.", she replied, "if you don't go with me, then i will bring you some food back on my way home."

i could see that my excuses were not going to fly so, i agreed to letting her stop over christmas day , later that evening, to drop off a plate.