Christmas

Being off on Christmas Eve, it gave me a chance to get the entire house cleaned and all the laundry done. I went to the market, bought groceries and returned home. I was putting away the groceries when the phone rang. It was Beth. I just didn't have the heart to answer it. I let voice mail pick it up and finished putting away the groceries. When I was done, I sat in my chair and listened to the message.

"Hey Jeff, its me, I.. I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. I know its not what you ... I mean…..I was hoping…..Oh hell, take care, talk to you later.", was the message.

Funny, I thought. We went from being so close, to an unsigned letter and a strained voice mail in a few months. Life changes so fast sometimes, you can't keep up. That night I did a lot of thinking about Beth. As hard as it was to accept, it would be extremely difficult to be with Beth. I had no clue how the family would react, then I know Lance would be as difficult as he could be. Perhaps, this is for the best. I decided to call it a night about eleven and go to bed. As I climbed into bed, I realized that a year had passed since my first encounter with Beth. Somehow, it had not seemed that long ago.

The phone woke me up the following morning about nine-thirty. I looked at the clock, surprised at the time. I answered the phone, it was my mother in law.

"Merry Christmas, Jeff." she said, "Dad and I love you."

"Merry Christmas Mom, I love you too.", I replied.

It was always hard for us during the holidays. Even after all this time, you never really get over it. She then asked me if I had spoken to Beth. I told her no, but that she had called. She went on to tell me that Beth and Lance had reconciled and he had moved back in. I had really figured as much, so I wasn't overwhelmed by the news. I could tell by the tone in my mother in law's voice she wasn't elated by the news. If you only knew, Mom, I thought.

The day passed slowly and I had a lot of thinking to do. Early that evening, I had come to two conclusions. One, any thought of a relationship with Beth was over and two, I had no clue as to how to explain to Jennifer that I was just not interested in another relationship. She of course had no way of knowing about Beth, and I had no intention of telling her. I just felt that I was better alone, it worked for me. And deep down in my heart, did I really think anyone could replace Susan ?

Jennifer called around six, she was on her way over. I had everything done, so I just watched TV until the doorbell rang. I went to the door, opened it and invited her in. She was dressed in blue jeans, a red sweater and white blouse. She looked really nice. I closed the door behind her and led her to the great room.

"Wow, your house is gorgeous.", she said, "Not what I pictured for a single man."

"I can't take credit for it Jen, I didn't decorate it.", I replied.

She had a card board tray with two plates of food, covered in plastic wrap. She offered them to me and asked me to sit down and eat. She had brought enough for both of us, so I asked her to join me. We sat at the table and had a very nice dinner, the food was excellent. We cleaned up and she asked if she could see the rest of the house. I obliged giving her the grand tour. Finally I took her out to the rear of the home where the sun room was. I had this room built about two years before Susan died and it was one of her favorites. The room had a complete glass wall across the back that looked out into the garden. In one corner, I had a very large Jacuzzi, the rest of the room was decorated with wicker furniture with floral cushions. The floor was slate tile, and there was a flat screen TV mounted to the adjacent wall, so you could sit in the Jacuzzi and watch TV. I could tell by her excitement, Jennifer liked the room.

"Now I could definitely relax in here." , she exclaimed with a smile. "Too bad , I didn't bring a suit with me."

"Maybe another time.", I offered her, "I am never very busy. It never gets used anymore anyway."

We went back to the great room and sat down. She seemed very interested in my past and somehow the conversation drifted to Susan. After two hours, I think she had probably heard my entire life story before , during and after Susan.

"I can tell how much you love her.", she said, "You get a certain look in your eye when you talk about her."

"I still miss her everyday.", I said looking down.

"I know.", she replied, "I can tell."

She then asked me if I had ever entertained the idea about another relationship. I told her, not really, that I had grown comfortable living alone and never really gave it much thought. She pretty much told me her life had gravitated to the same place. It was kind of surprising because Jennifer was an extremely attractive, very educated woman. Looks and money usually don't last long in the single market. I had never been the kind of man who is comfortable around women. I see some guys that are smooth as silk when they talked to women. I am the exact opposite. Susan always told me that is what made me attractive to women. They love the innocent little boy persona that I gave off. And like Susan told me, with me it's the real thing, it's not an act.

"Jeff, can I ask you a question.", she asked, "And please be honest with me."

"I'll try.", I replied meekly.

"Are you attracted to me at all ?", she asked.

Once again, the kind of question that I just am not good at answering.

"I think your very attractive , Jen. Downright gorgeous.", I replied, "Why do you ask ?"

"Well.... I was just wondering…. You know….most guys after one or two evenings out, they always try to take things further….., she answered.

I went on to try and explain to her why I was so guarded around women. No one can understand how someone feels who lost the love of their life at such a young age. There are all sorts of cliché's that are used, but none of them worked for me. You feel what you feel, you can't change it, or at least I couldn't. Then after all those years, I let my guard down with Beth, only to see things fall apart. Of course I couldn't tell her about Beth, so I skirted the issue as best as possible.

"Then let be honest with you.", she stated, "I enjoy being with you. I feel very secure when I am with you. You make no demands, your very easy to be with."

"I guess what I want to know is.... Do you think we might have a future together ?", she asked shyly.

To be honest, I had never really considered anything along those lines with Jennifer. I had always really felt that Beth would come to her senses. That and along with the fifteen year age difference between us, made a relationship not something possible.

"I never gave it any thought.", I replied.

"Oh.", was all she said," I was kinda hoping... oh, never mind."

"No, what did you want to say ?", I interrupted.

"Well, I was kind of hoping, we could…go out together New Year's Eve?", she answered.

Suddenly my mind raced back to last New Year's Eve and the party at the club. Where had the time gone? All at once, I felt a cold breeze on my neck, bringing me back to reason. I don't know what made me speak out but I did.

"Sure, I would love to go.", I blurted, "You have anywhere in mind ?"

"Well yes, Every year my best friend gives this huge party. I always go alone, but I would very much like you to take me.", she said.

"Ok, it's a date.", I smiled.