Sexual Assault
I know this is not easy but I never thought it would be this hard. Damn. I knew it. I fucking knew it! I feel like I’m slapped by cold ice. It’s shameful. He knows. He knows what I’m trying to do but he didn’t make it clear.
For sure he doesn’t know the purpose of it all. He just knew that I’m trying to hold him on the neck so I can do whatever that I want, right? Or does he know all along?
I palmed my face while I’m at my room. Now I’m torn. The child-like attitude didn’t take effect. The bitchy attitude isn’t effective as well. The sweet and submissive attitude is something I can’t stomach, not to say that he’s sometimes acting like a sulky boyfriend. Now what should I do?
”He knows now.” I whispered to myself while seeking every cell of my brain to think of plan B’s and C’s or even until Z’s.
Should I just pretend that I like him? Do I agree with anything he says? But would I look so desperate and pitiful in that way? He might think that I’m the one insisting even though it’s the other way round.
”Well, he told me he likes me.” I reasoned out on my own conscience.
The scene that happened at his office flashed in my head again. That’s the closest we’ve been so far. The most intimate… Wait, why does my cheeks feel like flushing just by remembering that?
“Ugh!” I surrendered after all the unending thoughts inside my head. I’ll just wing the shit out of this.
The next day, the same routine happened.
”To the library again, ma’am?” Sibal asked.
I stared at him coldly and nodded. I can’t help but to feel bitter because of what happened yesterday. I know I shouldn’t be blaming him but. I just can’t help it, okay? It’s his work but anyways… I hate this feeling of having someone eyeing you the whole time. I feel controlled.
Me:
I’m heading to the library again.
I texted Aciel and he replied right away.
Aciel:
Make sure with that ‘library’ Emma.
I rolled my eyes and ignored his message. ‘What a pragmatic and controlling jerk.’I thought to myself. I saw Sibal eyeing me from the rear mirror. I let him see the screen of my phone.
”It’s Aciel. No need to report this too.” I said.
He cleared his throat because he became so uncomfortable by my sudden bluntness.
Arriving at the library, Lulu welcomed me again with the same amusement. Just the way she is. As what we’ve talked about, when I’m here we’ll tackle some things needed for my plans.
And right now, she gave me a compilation of the information about my father.
”As what I’ve told you, he’s been all over the place. Loitering like he’s no home.”
”And that’s-”
”Because he had the money. Your analysis.” She cut my words.
I raised my brow. “You’ve been standing for this long ago, Lulu. What made you think that there’s another reason why he’s been hopping from one place to another?”
She seems hesitant about answering. She rummaged through the file she gave me. And when she found the right paper, she handed it to me.
”What’s this?” I frowned holding the paper she gave me.
”Any familiar names?”
My forehead creased more. Huh?
The paper consists of names. I scanned those papers and to me, it’s just a plain list of names. I shrugged confused.
”Who are these people?” I asked. “Why are you showing me these?”
Her face is still serious. She got the paper from my hand and grabbed another sheet of paper. She made me read it again and saw mug shots of different men.
My mouth dropped. “T-these...”
”Yes.” She continued my words for me. “They are the same names who were convicted just the same month your father sold you.”
I looked at her with so much shock. She nodded with gritted teeth.
”A coincidence?” she asked not minding for any answer.
”Of course I don’t know any of these people. But it was the talk of the town, Alia. They were all convicted with almost the same reason. Most of them? Sexual assault.”
My jaw dropped even more. My hands shake as I hear those things from Lulu. These people… I don’t know their names but they are all familiar to me. How can I forget the faces of those people who abused me? Their faces are still embedded inside my head clearly.
”You’re saying… they’re all behind bars now?” I said while still scanning the mug shots of men who abused me.
”Obviously. And all in the same month huh?”
”B-but how?”
’That’s exactly what’s inside my head, Alia. Who the hell would do that when you just got out of your own cell.” she said with a bit of exaggeration.
I can’t still process it inside my head. Lulu is spitting facts right here. Who would even do this, aside from me?
”Maybe my father?” I asked.
Her face turned grim after I said that. I stared at her asking for her second motion but it didn’t come.
”That’s the reason why I showed you that.” she said with an almost whispering voice. She glanced once at Sibal who’s standing outside and closed some space between our seats.
”Alia, I don’t want to disappoint you. I do hope that your father is the one who did all this. But you’re forgetting that the authorities are also looking for your father and mother right? So how?”
My shoulders fell hearing another blow of fact. I was too in denial that my ego tried to look for easy to reach out answers. It’s looking for some answers that are reasonable for me, and the right pathway of answers. She’s right. How would my father be the reason for this all while all our life we’re hiding because of that reason.
”So my father’s runnin’ away?” I whispered.
”Yes. Exactly. Finally, you got it right.”
I felt a little ashamed after all the realization. Lulu did all these and all I had to do is to analyze it all. But I’m just getting it all now.
”Thank you, Lulu. I know I’ve bothered you so much.” I said in a low voice. Mixed with guilt, gratitude, and confusion.
”No, never. This is nothing compared to the things you’ve gone through. I’m more concerned about you. What’s your plan after knowing all this?” she asked.
I gulped.
”I want to know who did all these. You told me this is not a coincidence. So I wanna know, Lulu.”
She nodded repeatedly and touched my hand. I look at her because she seems to have something to say.
”I’m not asking about that, Alia. About your plan of revenge. What’s your next plan?”
For a while my mind seemed to be empty. Right. What is my plan again? For a short period of time, I felt like I’m lost. Like I have nowhere to go. Like I’ve come to a place where I’m not supposed to be at.
”Isn’t this the reason for all these, Alia? To seek revenge or justice? It’s the end for them. How about you? When is your end?”
I pursed my lips. The building pressure inside my throat is blocking my breathing. I’m stoned. I don’t know what the world has done to me. But I’m different now. This is not just about revenge anymore.
”When are you planning to end this?”
I looked at her with bloodshot eyes. “Once I’m free, Lulu.”
Her lips parted and her hold unto me softened.
"Once I'm free from him."
