I can’t
“Are you alright?” Aciel’s first words when he saw me. I couldn’t look him in the eye.
”You made me so damn worried. Where did you go and why did you leave your phone?” he continued questioning me.
My yes passed by his worried face. I bit my lip and avoided his eyes.
”I’m… I was just looking for an ice cream parlor.” That sound so dumb but who cares? I couldn’t think straight anymore.
”What is that?”
My body turned cold. I know what he’s trying to pinpoint here. He tried to touch it but I turned my head to the other side.
”I bumped into a street light a while ago. Can I go to my room now?”
His lips are in thin straight line. I couldn’t read his expression but I’m sensing he’s not buying my reasons. All I did was to look at my foot while waiting for his answer.
”Alright. I’ll call you for dinner.”
I lift my head. Wasn’t expecting that.
”Actually, can I just skip dinner? I don’t have my appetite.”
He eyed me. His eyes lingered more. I became more nervous thinking that he’s really gonna ask me questions. Gladly, he let me go.
”Sure. I’ll prepare some food for you if you ever get hungry.”
I just nodded and left him. I know he’s probably wondering why I’m acting like this. But that act seems effective right? I need to make up my mind that’s currently in chaos right now.
Summing up all the information I got on this day, I kind of realize that this is not a dream. After my father left the apartment, I was so stunned that I couldn’t speak anymore. I didn’t even worry if he’ll get away now that we have a grasp of him. All inside my head is the truth that he told me. And Angelo proves it as well.
Mom became Aciel’s father’s mistress. I don’t know how they all got tangled up like that. Maybe we were too young? Or we are still not born when all of those things happened, but that’s not what’s important anymore.
The past affects the now, and that’s what we have to suffer.
I look up to my mom so much that knowing she became a mistress would make me in denial. All my life I believed that my mother and my father couldn’t meet just because they are hiding from the authorities. But I am wrong.
”You’re looking at your mother way too high up. Why? If it wasn’t because of me you probably have died now! If she loves you then why did she leave you to me huh? Why didn’t she just take you with her? No! Because she still wants to tail that man’s life! She couldn’t accept it all until the end! She chose them over you! Over us!”
I shut my eyes and crumpled myself on the bed remembering those last words of my father before he left. He’s right. He’s making sense. And knowing my father, he wouldn’t utter words he didn’t mean. He might be harsh and evil but he meant every word he said.
It’s been so long since that last time I cried in pain. Being with Aciel for months really changes my whole life. But to think that all the agony is coming back now horrifies me. What kind of a world is this?
As much as I wanted to grieve, I couldn’t. Because I feel like I’m not entitled to do so. People around me suffered as well. Angelo and his parents. They are the most affected here. And now, this is the perfect definition of you won’t understand a person until you put yourself in his shoe.
I judge Angelo, but now I understand him. Now I know where he’s coming from. And he’s entitled to feel that. Aciel probably focused on his parents business rivalry thinking that they are the reason for his parents death. Not knowing that it’s all because of my father.
I cried the whole night. I cried thinking that I probably suffered for all those years because I am the payment for all the family that suffered because of my mother and father’s wicked existence.
The next day, I intentionally woke up late so that I won’t have any interaction with Aciel. I know he’s early at work. I succeeded on that part. I know Sibal is also wondering based on his stares at me in the car when we were on our way to the university, but gladly he didn’t ask me questions.
”Oh my! Nonono! I’ve been waiting for you. You won’t believe this missy!” Zoey’s high energy greeted me.
We’re completely opposite. I didn’t answer her and just continued walking. I’m like a zombie trying to pretend that I’m a human. I’m just so out of the mood right now. I couldn’t think straight and talking to people will just worsen my situation.
”Remember my manager? He told me to say this to you since he wasn’t able to get your number last time you guys met.”
I looked at her. “Zoey, can we talk later? I’m not feeling well.”
”Nonono. This will be fast. So as I was saying,” she continued.
I sighed in frustration.
”A client wants you to model for their brand! You see? I told you! Congrats!”
It shocked me a bit. But the feeling of gaiety didn’t come. I was just out of bound. Zoey noticed my reaction. I couldn't answer her and I just looked away.
”W-why? What’s wrong? Didn’t you hear me? There’s a brand that wants you. You have a client now.” she repeated again, but this time slightly confused.
It’s just one of those times when the whole felt like it’s crashing and all fell on my shoulder. Sudden build up of emotion struck me so suddenly that tears started to flow on my cheeks.
My lips trembled due to suppression of emotion. Zoey was so shocked to see me act that way. With just a gasp she hugged me immediately and caressed my back, comforting me.
”It’s supposed to be good news. Why are you acting this way?”
I cried and embraced him tighter. I don’t think I could tell Aciel that my parents are his parent’s killer. I don’t want to be selfish but he’s the only one I have. I can’t bear to see him despise me for being the daughter of his parent’s murderer. I can’t.
