The only way he knew

I was in my oversized sweater while I waited for him to come home. I am restless. I can’t count how many times I practiced what I’m gonna say to him. I didn’t know what to say to be honest. I couldn’t decide on things. I just cried and blamed myself all throughout. That’s why when the lift opened and his figure showed up, I was tongue tied.

”Aciel,” I uttered his name.

His dark and tired eyes fixed into me. I stood up to meet him so I could start to explain, but really, no words would come out of me. When I was a meter away from him, I smelled the strong scent of liquor. I knew immediately that he’d been drinking.

I reached for his face. “Aciel-”

”Stay. Away.” he warned.

I gasped. Tears clouded my eyes without my own consent. I am hurt but I understand. I pressed my lips and nodded, stepped back a few steps before I opened my mouth to explain.

”I-I… I can explain Aciel. T-that…That’s not true.”

”And what is the truth? Are you trying to say that those photos are tampered? Are those photos lying?” he scowled at me.

Even though I wanted to say a word, I couldn’t counterfeit his words. Every corner of my reasoning just doesn’t make sense. I’m wrong in every part of that story.

”Tell me that’s the first time you meet with that motherfvcker, Alia.”

My lips opened as I wanted to say a word. All I was able to do was to look at his eyes. And by that, he immediately knew my answer.

His shoulders fell and his eyes went down. Little curses escaped from his lips as his laughter continued to escalate. A laughter that doesn’t ring any humor but plain insanity.

”Damn. Damn.” he laughed. “Fvck it!”

I held my mouth when he pushed the tall vase on the entrance. Tears fell and my knees weakened with so much fear and pain. He’s mad and violent. I didn’t know how to react.

I saw his hands shaking and how beads of tears fell in his eyes which he immediately wiped away by palming his face. He turned his back to me like he didn't want me to see his face.

”I trust you. I badly want to understand you but this is just too much for me, Emma. What the hell did I do to deserve this?”

”I-I’m…I’m sorry,” all I can say.

I tried to come near him again while he looked at me with so much madness and it seemed like he couldn't control his anger, I thought he'd lay a hand on me but instead he found the wall behind him and he punched it immediately.

”I said don’t fvcking come near me, Alia. I don’t want to hurt you. I beg!”

My jaw dropped and my tears couldn’t stop flowing. My whole body weakened and my knees reached the cold floor. Sobs escaped and all I can do is to cry endlessly.

”I’m sorry.”

I continued on saying, even though he might think that my words are losing it’s meaning, I still continue uttering those words because that’s the only word that will make sense.

”You’ve been meeting with that man? And for what? Have you been fvcking behind my back?”

”No!” I cried.

”Then what? Enlighten me because I don’t fvcking understand! I don’t understand all this and nothing makes sense anymore! I gave my all to you, Alia. I gave everything that I have to you. I supported you in anything you pleased only for me to get this in return?”

I shook my head and looked up in his eyes, tears won’t stop flowing. He’s right. Every word he says just makes sense. He doesn't deserve me.

”Fvck , please. Don’t fvcking cry in front of me. You know I’m breaking when you’re like that.” he breathed heavily and grabbed a handful of his hair.

”I’m sorry.”

”I don’t want to say these things to you because you didn’t ask me to love you in the first place but damn all this! I just want to know why? Are your feelings for me even real?” he asked dumbfounded.

I answered attentively. “No. I did not lie to you, Aciel. I love you. Please don’t doubt my love for you.”

”That’s all I could do Alia. There’s nothing more I could do but to doubt, especially on how you’ve been treating me for the past month. You asked to leave and have your own place. And don’t deny it when I say you’re intentionally drifting away from me. And now, those photos?” his voice turned weak. “Where should I put myself in you, Alia? Is my love not enough for you? Am I still lacking-”

”No! Please no! Don’t say that.” I bawled.

My heart ached so bad. That my body automatically crumbles in so much pain. Giving him this kind of thoughts, making him feel like he’s not enough is giving me so much torture. This is what I get from all that wicked plan.

”Then why? Why have you been fooling me all along, huh?”

I shook my head and cried. I supported myself with both of my arms because I’m almost gonna meet the floor because of crying too much. I cried and cried in front of him like there’s no tomorrow. I wanted to tell him so badly about the truth but with all that’s happening right now, I don’t even know how to blurt it all.

My sobs are the only noise in the whole place. I thought his words are the most painful but no, his silence hurts me more.

After God knows how long, I felt him hold both of my arms. I lifted my puffy eyes; full of tears and almost begging. I saw how his face darkened more, having a hard time seeing me like that.

I held his arms back. “I know what I did to you is unforgivable. But p-please, don’t doubt my love for you.” my voice cracked.

His bloodshot eyes blinked and his nose flared up. He sighed so heavily and helped me stand up. I’m reading the room, trying to figure out what he’s gonna do next.

”I never knew happiness until you came into my life, Alia. All my life has been all about pain and betrayal. That’s why now that you’re treating me this way, I don’t know where to find myself again. This is the only way I know how to love. And it’s my deepest regret if my love is still ain’t enough for you.” he uttered calmly weakly.

I held his nape and bowed my head because my crying is getting worse. He held that hand and removed it softly.

”I’m sorry for the curses and violence, baby. You need rest. Stress is not good for you.” That’s all he said then he left me there.

That’s when it got me, that it will be the end for us too.