I’ll be the one

I am restless. I stayed for hours sitting on the floor where he left me, before I came into my room just to cry again. I badly wanted to come into his room but that’s not the best decision to do. He probably doesn’t want to see me after saying all those words.

All I felt was shame. This relationship is a daydream and a nightmare at the same time. Funny how this relationship turned out like this and I am accountable. Even if I wanted to explain things, doing that will do no good. It will just prolong the pain because the end of the tunnel is still the end of the road.

He’s right. He did nothing but to love me and save me from all the agony of my life. He let himself get involved in my life for the sake of my mother’s wish, when in fact my mother is also one of the reasons why his family is dead. My father is his parent’s murderer, while the child is the one who broke him in the end.

That kiss may be unintentional, and even if I explain to him what happened after that kiss and how I sided with him, it’s still nothing. Because I still confided in Angelo and trusted that man more than him.

I went into the closet and got the bag that I brought when I first came here. My clothes that I totally forgot about are still here so I put it inside my bag as well. My mother’s photo, I looked at it and kissed it before putting the other one on the table, because that belongs to him. And the books that I brought as well, I put it on that bag because I’m afraid he might just throw it due to anger.

While packing up, I burst into tears again so I needed some time to calm myself down before changing  clothes. I wore the clothes that I own and not the clothes that he gave me. I fixed the bed and made sure that no trace of me would be left. My tears fell on the pillow thinking about the times we made love here, how we cuddled and how he woke me up with his tiny kisses. I wasted it all.

”It’s okay, you’re good now.” I talked to myself.

After doing that. I’m all set. For the last time, I sat on the massive single couch in front of the glass wall and watched the city lights. I scanned the whole free place with my eyes. This view that I’ve been deprived of before, I’m seeing it freely with my own eyes now. And it’s all because of him.

I’ve reached the pit bottom before, but he’s the one who picked me up. He loved me without doubt and loved me even when I see myself undeserving to be loved. I am a trash in my eyes, but for him I’m the jewel that is priceless, rare and his greatest possession. I wasted it all.

Staring at the blank piece of paper, I didn’t know where I will start. Do I start with saying my apology or telling him that I love him so much? I think he wouldn’t believe me anymore.

Tears fell on the paper while I was writing, the ink of the pen got wet and the words spread and looked so dirty but I still went on. I just wrote what’s inside me and what I’ve been feeling. This time, more honest and more straightforward; no holding back, no secrets. I just gave my all and said the words I think he deserves to know.

After that, I wept again for the nth time. But that is not the right time to stop and give up so I helped myself. I got my bag and for the last time, scanned the whole room thinking about all the memories I and he made here. This room was once my sanctuary, he gave me this personal space as a sign of respect and privacy. In here, he bid hide good nights and kissed my forehead. He visits me in the morning when he’s leaving early while I’m still asleep.

I wasted it all.

That doesn’t end there. Because as soon as I opened the door, I saw his door just a few meters away. Even though seeing him will be heaven to me, I don’t want to cause more pain. He had enough. He doesn't deserve to be inflicted by the pain I’ve caused.

”Hello, Sibal?” I tried to sound so casual.

”Yes ma’am?”

”Meet me at the foyer.” I said.

”Right away.” he said attentively.

I hid my bag at the back of the large vase which is the partner of the vase that had been broken a while ago. When Sibal arrived, I faced him.

”I need you to buy this medicine for Aciel. He’s out of this in his stocks. And some alcohol and gauge as well.” I commanded.

I noticed how his eyes scanned me so I butt in immediately. “Please? He’s bleeding and he needs it right away.”

I’m not lying about that though. I saw his hands bleeding a while ago after he punched the wall. I just don’t know if he has all these things in his kit.

Gladly, he agreed and obeyed my request. I waited for minutes before deciding to finally leave. For the last time, I glanced at his place and smiled while my tears were flowing. I left the phone he gave me on the table because that doesn’t belong to me. With tears flowing, I turned my back and left the hallway.  I cried while waiting for the lift to come down.

This is the right thing to do right? I am making the right decision.

It’s already midnight and I’m still wandering on the cold and empty street. It took a while before a car service stopped and took me to the place I decided to go. The driver is probably thinking of me as a weird person because I’m bawling my eyes out for the whole trip. Like some sort of miserable woman.

Arriving at her place, I knocked and waited outside his apartment in the middle of the cold night. When she opened the door I saw how shocked she was. No words needed, she embraced me.

”What’s wrong? What happened?” she whispered.

I cried in her arms and shook my head. I couldn’t answer her. I just want to cry until I'm out of tears.

I know Aciel so well. Even after hurting him this badly, I know what the things he’ll do next. So I’ll be the one to leave him. I’ll be the one to let go. Because if I stay more, it will be the end for him and that’s not what he deserves.