Her Letter

To the man who loved me,

I’ve been wanting to do this since the very beginning, but never did I have the courage to do this. I wish I could say this all in your face, but I think doing that will just cut us more.

I can still remember the first time I saw you. It’s a cold night, my cold birthday night. I’m celebrating my freedom inside my head on the day of my legal age and yet I saw you. You are wearing this dark suit and tie, the first three buttons are unbuttoned. Your dark brown eyes that change color straight looking at me, sitting on our dirty couch, you look so intimidating.

Who would have thought that that man would be my knight in shining armor? The prince who’s riding his expensive wheels, is a pain in the ass for me. You ruined everything. That’s how I saw it. I tried to fool you, surrendered myself to you and lure you with my selfishness, just to end up being fooled by myself.

While I planned those things, I didn’t know I was falling. The man who I never saw in books is now my daydream. The man who tells me goodnight, the man who picks me up at school, and the man who supports me in all of my propositions.

My love, to be loved by you is a dream. It’s a torment of roses and butterflies. When I felt like I’m the lowest of low, you picked me up and made me feel like I’m the greatest possession you could ever have.

That’s why in this heart ache, I think the sun would no longer shine.

I didn’t want to go this way, because from the very first start, my intention is to stay. I was here for our love, for the security, for the smiles, good nights, date nights, and any of the love that you offered. But I guess I’m not the woman who’s courageous enough to stay for the fights, for the battles, confrontation and shortcomings. Or I guess not as well? I guess I am not just the right one for you.

I wish I could tell you how many night I wandered, how many night I suffered and tortured myself for breaking my own heart, planning to break yours. But I failed. All I thought of was the consequences of the past that we are now suffering today. I can’t help but to think, what if this encounter of ours is not what we both think. What if we are meant to see each other to set things right? What if we are meant to be at this encounter because the debts from the past need to be paid now.

That kiss… I never wanted that. I didn’t insist on it. In fact, I pushed him after he did that. I fought back and stood for you when he called you names and badmouthed you. From that moment, I realized that I never knew I didn’t have enough for you until someone broke mine as well. I never knew I used you until someone used me as well. But I guess? Justifying it won’t be a good idea right? I was wrong. Cause maybe, I am after all a traitor.

I’m no different from my father, and so is my mother. This will be the hardest thing to accept, but Aciel, I want you to know that the only thing that keeps me and Angelo together is because of my father. He found my father and he got the chance to know about the feuds and twists of our family. My father murdered your parents, because of loath that grew cause of my mother and your father’s infidelity. Angelo loathed you for so long that he helped to build this path and fall into their right places. He believes that you’ve taken everything from him, because you blamed the wrong people.

I want you to know that it was never your fault  and so, Angelo. If it’s not because of my family, both of you will not end up this way. Both of you will still be with your parents, while I’m just collateral damage.

That is my wish. If only I could turn back time, I would choose not to go on. That way, you couldn’t have met me. That way, no one will break you this hard. No one will hurt you like I did.

But can I be selfish for once? I know in my unconscious mind, I’m begging to be with you. I’m fighting myself to stay and to love you more. But I think, sometimes, not all battles are deserved to fight for. I choose to be fair and not to be good.

You’re wrong when you told me that I deserve the world, because you’re the one who deserves that. Now, I understand why God works in such a mysterious way. Plenty of times I asked him why am I the one who’s suffering when bad people don’t, only for me to realize that I’m also the bad man.

Now I know that not all good people can be shown with a bright smile or greets you with flowery words. Sometimes, they are just sitting on a dirty couch wearing a black suit and tie, glaring with his intimidating eyes.

Please let me love you. .I’m not asking you to forgive me, but please let me love you. No matter where the world may take us, I will always be that one person who will love you from afar. I will be the silent person who’ll cheer you and celebrate your victory silently.

My last request for you is to love yourself more than anything in this world. You are my world, you are the world… you are more than anything. So please, I don’t deserve the chasing. Once the time permits, I’ll be on my knees begging the world to come back.

-Alia

For the nth time, I held the lifeless paper filled with honesty and burning words. The other side of my lips lifted up after realizing that I seemed to improve. After all those plenty of times I’ve read this, I feel like this is the first time I read this without halting, without doubting and without having second thoughts.

Right, it’s a cold night for me as well when I saw this letter from her. She left it in front of my door, and I saw her left as well. Crying, and painfully leaving me.

I let her do that. Not because I’ve accepted for us to go that way, but because I was too sure that I’ll look for her and I’ll chase her no matter what. I just let her do that to embed in her head that it's the end for that dark part of our lives.

Of course, I knew about all this. I know that her father killed my parents and I know that her mother is my dad’s mistress. I didn’t reached this level for be that dumb. I know how the world works, I’m the smartest when it comes to all the things that’s laid for me.

But the single person who puzzles me, the single person that I can’t read, is her.

It hurts to know that after all of those months that we’ve been together, she still doesn’t trust me enough to confide. Why? Did she think I would throw her out and hate her because her parents are the cause of my miserable life before? Well damn, that is long gone. I’m not the type of person who relies on the past so much.

But as she says, maybe people are meant to encounter each other for a purpose. For a year, I looked for mine. Because to be honest, I only see my purpose when I’m beside her, when I’m with her. So fulfilling her wish is the hardest thing to do for that year.

I nearly gave the whole Evans just because I feel like I’m no longer capable. That those things didn’t matter anymore because she’s gone and left me to rot. I am mad. Deeply mad. But soon that madness disappeared,

As I kept on reading her letter, I let myself be immune. I let myself hurt more and more each day, just to understand her little by little. At first, my purpose is for her own request until I realize that I’m doing it for myself already.

I didn’t look for her. I didn’t try to chase her. I loved myself like what she said because I was hoping she’ll come back to me, on her knees begging. But that’s not the real intention of her words.

I’m no longer a slave of my feelings.

”Babe!”

My eyes lifted up when Celest peeked in my office. I smirked when I saw her. She saw the paper that I’m holding and the smile on her face disappeared. She walked into my direction and that’s when I started to fold the paper again and slid it into my drawer.

”Reading her letter again?”

I cleared my throat because I didn’t know what to answer. Her brow shot up and she gave me a sweet smile again.

”I’m an hour early for our movie date but I guess we can go now right?”

”Sure,” I answered, which made her smile more.

Just like how I hid that paper. That will be the last time I’m reading that. Because it’s all in the past now, that’s where it should be.