Chapter 68

After speaking for about five minutes, I made my way back over to my seat. It was cathartic. I spoke about myself, my issues and about Em. Big Mike's surprise was evident when he heard how I fucked things up with her. I expected compassion, what I got was a mixture of anger and frustration flashing across his face.

There was a ritual to the meeting and a sense of community. It was like revisiting something that had put me back together when I thought I was broken beyond repair. There were echoes of that healing for me and parts of me that were frayed began to reattach. For some reason, I was hungry for a really good burger when we finished up. Mike and I stopped on the way back to the office to get my car and had two giant, juicy cheeseburgers. I saw some families there and I thought I'd lose my appetite, but I didn't. I was just consumed with 'what ifs' and 'what might have beens'.

Big Mike took a deep pull of his Cherry Coke and signaled for the waitress. "Can I get the check and another one of these," he pointed to his plate. "to go? Thanks."

"I got it, Mike."

"Nah, you get the next one."

"Okay, thanks. So, Leia did really good, right?"

"At what?"

I paused. "The recital. Playing. Nervous, but she settled in. She even did that little foot stomp thing like Jimmy. Cute as hell."

"Wasn't there, but good to hear it went well."

"You... What? Sure you were. She saw you. When she first came out."

"Nope. Forgot all about it. I'll make the next one."

"You shitting me?"

"I said I'll be there, I'll be there."

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

"Yeah, whatever."

Pushing back in my chair, I looked across the table at him.

"Are you pissed at me?"

He threw his napkin on his plate. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fucking pissed. It's been a quarter of a fucking century. What the hell is wrong with you? I wasn't close to Rebecca, not like I was with you, but I knew her. Probably better than you think. Who did she call when she couldn't reach you? Who made sure she had cash when she needed it? Who arranged for her to fly in to sets? So, yeah, I knew Becks. She wouldn't want this bullshit, man. If she were here she'd slap you senseless."

My heart clenched hearing her name. I hadn't heard anyone say it in decades, not when referring to my wife. That shit was kept buried deep, deep, deep. All the emotion that hearing her name could drag up was just too much. But he was right. He had his own relationship with Becks and he had a right to talk about her. I just wished it didn't almost drown me in memories and regret.

"I know, I just..."

"If you know, start acting like you know. You're 52 years old. You can't stay until she wakes up even if you're fucking scared shitless? Grow a pair. You better have a heart to heart with that girl and let her know what's up and I'm telling you one thing." He took a deep breath and paused. "If this fucks things up with Leia, you and me are gonna have words."

Big Mike tipped well and gave the meal to a teenager sitting on the curb. The kid looked homeless and Mike left a twenty on top of the styrofoam box. He dropped me off and I took my car home. I wasn't good, but I was better than I had been.

Spending most of the next day in my office, I made some good progress on a song for an up-and-coming pop star that Bryn and I were writing for. Around 4:00 I made my way over to Mike's office. We spoke for a while and he tossed me a CD for the father/daughter band. He'd gotten them back and they looked good. The artwork was strong, the song selection was tight and the artist captured something of their personality. We obviously lost money on them, but they'd sell better for than what they had previously. I checked the giant board he had on his wall and saw that the Poplin Family Jug Band was due in again the following month.

"Looks good. How many you have made?"

"500."

"Cool. The money all goes to charity?"

"Yup. Vets."

"Great. Listen, I'm gonna cut out early. I'll..."

"Mr. Mike!"

Leia came barreling into his office, a box in hand.

"I saw you and you were right there and I was really scared but you gave me the thumbs," she stuck both of her little thumbs-up, "and I knew it was going to be okay."

"You did real good. Here." He tossed her a flash drive. "A friend of mine was there with his camera, so I asked him if he could tape it."

"Yeet! Can I watch it now?"

"You got a lesson, right? It'll still be there when you're done."

Sitting there silently, I just listened to them. First off, Mike clearly paid someone to video her playing. Second, I couldn't believe she was there for her lesson. There was a weight gone that I didn't notice until it left. I wondered if Jimmy brought her.

Leia handed him a box of Thin Mints. "I ate some of yours from the freezer a while ago. We had to order these special, so it took a long time to get them. I didn't want you to think I forgot or get you upset or anything."

"Upset? Honey, I didn't even notice. You eat all the cookies you want. That was really good of you to replace them."

I interrupted them. "Leia, we're going to use studio six. Why don't you head over there?"

"Okay."

When she left I just stared at Mike. He stared back. Finally, he broke.

"Shut up."

I smiled, got up and went to studio six.

We had a good 80 minutes. There was a part of me soaring knowing that I hadn't lost her and another part of me was wondering how she'd become so important to me in so short a time. She talked and talked about the recital, going over every minute of it. Leia wanted to know when the next one was taking place and seemed disappointed that I didn't know.

She mentioned how she asked her mother if she could play with her uncle at his next concert while they drove over here and Em told her he wasn't doing that right now. Leia seemed sad and confused and I felt even worse about my part in shutting down Jimmy's career. When we were done and walking out, I stopped with her when we reached Mike's office.

"Hey, I need to talk to your mom. Can you hang out with Mr. Mike for a couple of minutes?"

Ember looked up at me when I walked into reception and then passed me, as if looking for Leia.

"Can we, uh, talk for a minute?"

"Is it about Leia?"

"It's... No."

"Then no."

"Look... I don't blame you for..."

"Oh, you don't blame me? Wow, I'm just so blessed. How lucky I am, the great Fingers Franzetti doesn't blame me. Do you have a handkerchief? I think I'm getting the vapors."

I sighed. This wasn't going to work but I at least owe her an apology. Looking around the room, I took a seat two away from hers.

"Listen, I'm going to ask a favor. I'm hoping for a yes, but I don't expect one. Have a coffee with me. Let's go to the 2244 Diner, have a piece of pie and some coffee and when we're done, if you never want to speak to me again, I'll understand. Give me 45 minutes or an hour and I'll put everything on the table. Please? Lini and Mike can hang out with Leia until we get back."

"She..."

"Please?"

Em stared at the wall, not looking at me. She finally got up and walked over to the receptionist's desk, calling out to the office that was behind that barrier. "Lini? You have a minute?"

Lini popped out, a cruller in hand. "Hey, Em. Settling up for the lesson?"

"Uhm, yeah." She started fumbling for her purse. "But also, can you do me a favor and watch Leia for about an hour?"

I held up my hands towards her as if in prayer. Lini looked at me over Em's shoulder. "Sure. That'll be fine."

Lini and Em went to talk to Leia and then we headed to the diner. She was silent on the way there. We got a booth, ordered some food and just sat quietly until the waiter brought us our waters.

I studied my fingernails as I began. "Earlier? Not blaming you for what happened? That's not what I was saying. I was trying to say that I don't blame you for hating me. I... Look, I have issues, okay? I don't want to throw psychobabble at you, but I've got a lot of self-loathing going on." Placing my hands palms down on the table, I forced myself to look Em in the eyes. "I woke up and just stared at you, knowing I didn't deserve you. Deserve whatever we were or might become. It freaked me out and like a little bitch, I ran. I panicked. Mike, he took me to a meeting last night. It... Yeah, I'm rambling. The point is there's no excuse."

"No, there isn't."

"And, yeah, this is going to... I'm not even sure how to say this, so I'm not going to couch it somehow in the right words." I looked away from her and put my hands on my lap. "I'm Curt Llama. I wrote those articles. You deserve to know. Both of you do. He... Well, yeah. I should have told you a long time ago."

I've never seen anyone turn so red. It was almost frightening. She turned from a pissed off woman into a mama bear in the span of five seconds.

"You're lying. You are so not Curt Fucking Llama. You didn't almost destroy my brother on a whim. You... You... You piece of shit! What the hell is wrong with you? He's a kid! What, are you some jealous old fossil who couldn't stand his having what you used to? So you bang his sister and try to steal his niece? Is that it? I thought he was suicidal. I thought my brother was going to try to kill himself, you... you..."

Her voice was getting louder and louder and she looked around at the other people that were staring at us.

"Yeah, keep watching. Never seen someone have pie with a piece of garbage before?"

Emotions were running through me. Shame was there, fear was popping its head in, but lurking in the back were some hints of anger. Yeah, I was at fault, but only partially.

"Look, did he deserve those articles? Not the way they were written, no. But did he deserve them in general? Yeah, he fucking did. Okay, I could have been less acerbic and gentler. I'll cop to that. And yeah, him bottoming out had to scare the crap out of you. But where did you think he was headed? I know people in the industry, Em. We talk. I do research. I spoke to people in LA and NY. Shit was getting dark. Real dark."

"Oh, so it's okay that you ruined his career and sent him spiraling to the point that I was going over in the middle of the fucking night to make sure he didn't fucking off himself because he's better now?"

Eyes still flashing, she leaned back and looked at me, waiting for me to continue. I guess that was something. She wasn't just storming out.

"I'm not a psychic, and I'm not trying to make any stupid claims that make me into anything other than a jackass that shit all over Jimmy, but his wasn't a story with a happy ending. And yeah, I was a dick. I got it. For the time it took to write those articles and for all the effort it took to avoid telling you it was me, yeah. A big dick.

"But I'm not going to fall on my sword and pretend that's the whole story. He's sober. He didn't just get sober, he's staying sober. He's cleaned up. He's playing better than ever before. You know where he was yesterday? He was the reward for a high school band class. They averaged an 85 for a big test or some shit and he went in and spent the afternoon with them. Jimmy. Mr. Rockstar spent his afternoon jamming with some high school kids because they got good grades. He plays with Leia all the time. You think he likes Taylor Fucking Swift? And yeah, part of that was Mike, but part of it was me."

"You don't get it, Alex. He's my brother but he's not just my brother. I fucking raised him. And yeah, I fucked that up, but you hurt him. I'm supposed to just get over that?"

"I'm not making excuses, I was flat out wrong. But I'm trying, Em. I'm really trying. Can you at least see that? I have him working on songwriting with one of the best in the world. We work on technique every day. Mike has him being part of the community and helping other people. All he talks about is Leia and you and his craft. He actually calls it that. His craft. Nothing about labels or women or tours. No crazy stories about getting arrested and having the label bail him out."

"I love where he's at now, but you don't get the credit for getting him there. He could have just as easily gotten worse. And what was I to you? Just another 'fuck you' to Jimmy? You fucked me and took off, now you're expecting... what? Me to just... accept that?"

"I'm not expecting anything. Actually, that's wrong. I'm expecting you to say no. But if you give me a chance, I'd like nothing more than to try again. All of this was me. All of it. I fucked up. Let me make it right? One chance?"

"Look, you have no idea what it was like waking up alone and you didn't even have the decency to leave a note or call or text. I don't know, Alex."

"Fair enough. This is on me. For what it's worth, I'm truly sorry. If I can ask for one thing, please don't let my bullshit stop you from bringing Leia down."

"No, that's totally independent of... anything else. I wouldn't do that."

"Thanks. You done? We should be heading back."

When we returned to the studio I went and got Leia and brought her back to reception. Leia waved goodbye and they started walking towards the exit. Ember paused and turned back to me when they reached the door.

"Alex? Let me think about the other thing."

"Yeah. Sure. Thanks."

*****

Ember

"...barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite... favorite song... when you said you looked..."

"Baylee, I told you I don't know this one good enough yet."

"My singing will help you learn it better!"

"But you go too fast!"

"That's how fast the song is!"

"Girls." Kelsie's voice was tired.

The girls glanced up to the balcony from the lawn where they were sitting, looking guilty. Pepper got up and bounded across the yard, likely thankful to be released from his role in the audience. I raised my eyebrow at Leia. The squabbling ceased and she started playing the song again.

"As if I didn't hear enough Ed Sheeran on the fucking radio," I muttered.

"Okay, so let me just get the whole thing straight," Kelsie continued, soft enough that the girls couldn't hear us. "So I went through all that effort of getting you two alone and conveniently scheduling an impromptu sleepover so you two could hook up, and he just fucking left?"

I nodded and took another sip of beer.

"And then he tells you he's an alcoholic with self-loathing issues, he admits to you that he wrote those articles, which like, I still can't fucking believe he wouldn't take that secret to the grave because oh my God, and he's sorry but not entirely sorry because Jimmy's doing good now?"

Nod. Sip of beer.

"And then he asks you to consider giving him a second chance?"

Nod. Beer.

"And you... you're actually, legitimately... considering it."

"Well..."

"You're actually fucking insane, did you know that? Em, you're insane."

I sighed and finished my beer, placing the bottle firmly on the patio table with a loud clunk.

"Was the sex actually that good?"

"That's not what this is about."

"I can't believe you're considering it."

"I don't know what to do. I really like... liked him. And like, maybe I could've forgiven the, you know, hit-it-and-quit-it thing he pulled... but he hurt Jimmy, Kels."

"You just fucking said it," she pointed out. "You could have forgiven it. But you can't forgive him for hurting Jimmy."

"It's not that simple, though. He... he's also tried to help Jimmy. He feels bad."

"Oh, he feels bad," mocked Kelsie.

"Come on, I need your help, not your sarcasm."

"Does the judge let a robber go because he feels bad about holding up a liquor store?"

"What if the robber's already punishing himself over it and is also, like, giving the liquor store owner a bunch of money and helping it be a better liquor store?"

Kelsie folded her arms.

"So you want to forgive him."

"No, I... I don't know. It's complicated."

"No, it's simple. Look me in the eyes, right now." She stared back at me, face incredibly serious. "Pretend I'm Jimmy."

"This is stupid." Pepper whined from beside me suddenly and I shushed him.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me the whole thing. Seriously. If you can't tell Jimmy, how the fuck are you going to make this work?"

"Stop it, Kels, I'm not doing this, just help me figure—"

"If you can't tell Jimmy that his sister is fucking not only his boss, but the guy who ruined his career, then maybe it's not a great idea to continue!"

"You're fucking my boss?"

Kelsie's beer spilled all over the balcony as she knocked it over. Both of us turned towards the back door, where Jimmy was standing holding a stack of songbooks for Leia.

The only saving grace was that Leia hadn't seen him yet.

"Inside!" I practically shoved Jimmy through the door. "What are you doing here?"

He held up the books. "Thought I'd drop by on my way home from work. No one answered so I just came in."

The door slammed shut behind Kelsie as she followed us inside.

"Jimmy, let her explain—"

"Wait, so I heard that right?"

He stared at me, face oddly blank as I tried to figure out what to say.

"What, um, do you think you heard?"

"Uh... Em is fucking Alex, and Alex... wait, by boss you mean Alex, right? Mike's not really your type."

"Oh my God," I mumbled. "Yeah, not... not Mike."

"Okay, and the guy who ruined my career?"

I stared at Jimmy, willing him to understand, willing him not to make me explain. He didn't get it, just stared at me with a strange look of disgust.

"They're, uh, the same guy."

I watched the wheels turn in his head as he processed the rest of the statement. Though, maybe that wasn't quite the right turn of phrase. It was more like watching the entire universe crash around my brother's eyes, a million galaxies' worth of crushing gravity hitting him all at once.

"Jimmy, let me explain..." I begged quietly. "I didn't know."

"Alex is Llama? Curt... Curt fucking Llama?"

I swallowed hard and nodded.

Still Jimmy stared. I waited for him to blow up, almost poised to pounce if he tried to storm past, imagining he would get into his car and drive to the studio and do... something. Something to Alex, maybe.

When he started laughing, Kelsie and I exchanged bewildered looks.

"Jimmy? You okay?"

"You know, I should be pissed, but that's just... that's just classic Alex." He shook his head, grinning. "What a fucker. Thank God he did it though, am I right?"

"What... classic Alex...?" Kelsie repeated.

"You're... not mad." The words came out flat, almost monotone with disbelief.

"Shit, no. I mean, it was a dick move, for sure. But I would've ended up in the same position either way. Fuck, I owe everything to him, Em."

"Um..."

"Not everything," he added quickly. "But I mean, besides you, no one's ever, you know. Helped me like he has."

"So you're not going to... I don't know, kill him?"

Jimmy's mouth scrunched a bit as he thought.

"Nah, that's probably a bit much." His face brightened as he grinned devilishly. "I mean, maybe he'll give me a raise. I'll ask tomorrow."

He plopped the songbooks on the counter and let himself outside to see Leia. I stared after him, then looked at Kelsie.

"Emotional maturity?" I gasped. "From... Jimmy?"

"Holy shit," Kelsie muttered. "I mean, I'm still pissed at Alex, but damn. He really has turned that kid around."

"Kels, I'm giving him another chance."