Chapter 69

It wasn't the kind of place I expected Alex to live. Or, well, maybe it was. The Alex that wore khakis and golf shirts might live here, but the Alex with the leather jacket and the jeans and the tattoos... Either way, it seemed strange to see the neatly manicured lawn and well-tended flower beds outside the house. Then again, maybe he had people to do that for him.

Before I even knocked on the door, Alex opened it.

"C'mon in. Want something to drink? I have, uh... water."

"An impressive selection, but I think I'll just go with water."

He chuckled and motioned to the couch in the living room. I perched almost nervously on the edge of the couch. The room was tidy, minimal in decoration but clean and welcoming. In one corner sat a music stand and chair, in another a bookshelf with stacks of magazines, photos, and other small knick-knacks, and a large leafy plant in a third. I looked around the room, looking but not really seeing, until he set two glasses of water on the coffee table and sat beside me. I swallowed as I felt his eyes on me, patiently waiting for me to speak.

"I told Jimmy."

"About you and me?"

"About Curt Llama."

"Ah."

There was a tense, awkward silence.

"I mean, I didn't really tell him. He kind of overheard."

"How pissed is he?"

"Um. He said that was 'classic Alex,' called you a fucker, and said he was going to ask for a raise."

Alex laughed, startling both of us.

"Shit. Well, he probably deserves it at this point."

Again we fell quiet. I sipped water to fill the silence.

"When you said you'd make it right if I gave you another chance, what did you mean?"

"I want to do the right thing," he said.

"What does that even mean, though?"

Alex put his glass of water back down on the coffee table and hesitantly took my hand. I let him, my heart fluttering when his fingers brushed against mine.

"Well, for starters, if I was lucky enough to spend a night with you again, I wouldn't leave while you slept. I have realized that it's a shitty thing to do."

I couldn't help it; I laughed.

"I'm not gonna keep shit from you. No secrets, no... no other alter egos. You know them all now, I think."

"Fingers, Llama, and Alex?"

"Yep, that's all of 'em."

"Three for the price of one. How lucky."

He chuckled, then shook his head, suddenly serious.

"Look, Ember." My name almost rumbled from his throat. "I can't promise you I'm gonna be perfect or anything. I dunno what the fuck is going through your head about this, I dunno why you'd want to...I mean, you're young. You're hot. You're a hell of a good mom and a really fucking awesome person. I want another chance with you more than anything. When I say I'm gonna make it right, I mean I'm gonna show you you're not making a mistake."

I wanted to jump into his arms, but I was still hesitant.

"It's one thing for Jimmy to forgive you. Sure, it's his career that took the hit, but I was the one picking up the pieces. At the same time, you've helped my daughter, you've helped me... I mean, this is stupid but you're one of the first people I've told about my, um, modeling who hasn't like, immediately either lost his mind or looked disgusted. And then you're also the same person who just... left. Like I meant nothing to you."

"You didn't mean nothing."

"I don't know what to make of all this." I looked up at him, hurt and confused and uncertain. "I have a kid, Alex. She adores you. If I give you another chance and it doesn't work out, she's going to be devastated and that'll just be another person in my family I have to pick up the pieces for."

A determined resolution was set on Alex's face. His fingers squeezed mine firmly before he spoke again.

"There isn't a chance in hell I'm going to fuck this up again," he said. "I don't have a crystal ball or anything. I dunno what the future will hold and I can't promise you things will work out the way we—well, I, at least—want them to. But Ember, I fucking promise to try my hardest."

Kissing him wasn't quite a conscious decision. One moment he was simply holding my hand and swearing he would try for me, for us. The next I was pulling his face to mine and pressing my lips to his.

I hadn't gone over to Alex's with the intent of anything aside from talking. That electricity between us, those sparks and chemistry and unyielding tug of enticing attraction, had another idea. Was it what I wanted? Yes. Was it a good decision? That remained to be seen.

Whatever it was, Alex seemed to want it too.

He kissed me back eagerly, almost celebratory in his enthusiasm. Strong arms wrapped around my waist as I shifted on the couch. He pulled me into his lap, clutching at me like he almost couldn't believe I was there.

"You're not gonna regret this," he murmured.

"Don't make me regret it."

"Never."

His tongue slipped into my mouth and that was it for talking, at least for the moment.

I hadn't kissed Alex with the intent of anything further coming from it. It's just, once his arms were around me and his lips were searing hot and demanding against mine, I couldn't resist.

He led me to his bedroom, turning as he entered and taking me in his arms again. I was as eager as I had been the first time, but Alex had other ideas. He kissed me deeply, each movement precise, each moment purposeful.

There was no lack of passion as he removed my clothing piece by piece. First my shirt, taking his time to caress my body as he lifted it over my head. Then my bra, staring a little longer than strictly necessary at my breasts. My clothing removal was paused so he could run his tongue along the piercings on each nipple, making me shiver as arousal surged through me.

He undid my jeans, not saying a word as he stripped them from me. He took a moment to take my mostly-naked body in his arms and kiss me before jerking his head towards the neatly-made bed.

"Lie on your back."

"What if I don't want to?"

The smirk that crossed his lips was almost arrogant, almost infuriatingly cocky.

"You're gonna want to."

As it turned out, he was right about that.

Alex removed his shirt and jeans before joining me on the bed. His fingers slid up my calves, tracing along the tattoos on my legs before gently parting my thighs. He moved between them, kissed my lips again, and then proceeded to kiss everything else.

Every inch of my body was subject to Alex's attention. He kissed along my arms, my chest, and of course my nipples. He caressed my hips, trailed his fingers along my legs, pressed against my stomach. I was squirming beneath him by the time he finally peeled my panties off, and whimpered as he kissed up the inside of my thigh.

When he finally pushed his face against my pussy, I almost lost it. My hips had a mind of their own; my hands clutched at his head as my legs tightened around his ears. I felt Alex chuckling, felt the smirk on his face as he began lapping at me.

I was hardly able to keep my eyes off him, watching as he fervently ate me out. He glanced up to see me biting my lip and pinching my own nipple as he ran his tongue over my clit again and again. One hand reached up and cupped my other breast; the other moved between my legs so he could push two fingers inside me.

I cried out as he did, my eyes squeezing shut. Alex didn't stop, just kept licking and sucking and thrusting his fingers inside me until I was grabbing his hair. I gasped, a stream of babbling nonsense pouring from my mouth that Alex seemed to understand better than I did. When I came, I came hard, my back arching off the bed before I shuddered beneath him.

As soon as I was done, Alex pulled himself from between my legs.

"Glad you laid down?"

"Don't push your luck," I gasped. "But yes."

He laughed, eyes crinkling as he nestled between my legs. His lips pressed to mine again, lightly at first, then more insistently, almost pleading with me.

I brought my hand between us and tugged on the waistband of his boxers. He assisted me in sliding them down, then returned to kissing me as I wrapped my hand around his cock. Alex exhaled a quiet groan, a trace of relief on his face as I began to stroke him slowly. Then his hips were shifting and I was guiding him inside me, his lips were pressed against mine and he was sinking into me.

Tender and sweet were not words I generally associated with sex. I didn't really do tender and sweet. With Alex, though, there was no other way to describe it. He moved with purpose, like it was a piece of music. He started slow, took his time, and built up. He kissed me, held me, touched me as he took me, and when I came again it was more than just bliss.

I wrapped my arms around him, holding him closer to me as he finished. Just like our first time, he kissed me as he did, his groan muffled against my mouth as he spilled inside me. We stayed that way for some time, clutching each other.

"I have to get home," I eventually murmured. "Leia's got school tomorrow."

My face was flushed and my throat was dry. My hair was a complete mess and my clothes were rumpled from being tossed on the floor. I tried to straighten myself out as much as I could while Alex laughed, pulling his jeans back on as I flattened my hair.

"Do you mind if I have some water before I go?" I asked.

"Hmm, I dunno. Water's in short supply these days." He kissed me again. "Lemme grab you a glass."

While he was in the kitchen, I made a mistake.

Well, not really a mistake.

I made a discovery I would have rather not made.

It wasn't Alex's fault, the same way it wasn't my fault. Neither of us could have known, neither of us could have ever even suspected.

While he got me a glass of water, I wandered into his living room. I looked at the things I hadn't really seen earlier, the pictures and the knick-knacks on the bookshelf in the corner. There was a picture of Alex and Mike, an older couple that might have been Alex's parents, and a school portrait of a girl with wild brown hair and freckles. A niece, maybe, or a friend's kid.

Then there was the photo tucked just behind those ones.

My back was turned to the kitchen when Alex entered.

"Snooping already?" he laughed. He stopped laughing as he came up behind me and saw which photo I was holding. "Uh. Sorry. That's my... was my... wife. And my son."

"Eddie."

I thought he might drop the glass of water. The surface of it shimmered as his hand shook. My stomach turned as I took a shaky breath, putting the photo back on the shelf.

"How'd you know that?" he asked.

I shook my head, still staring at the photo.

"Ember, tell me."

"I would've named her Eddie."

"What?"

"If Leia was a boy. Eddie was always Han Solo. I was always Princess Leia. He... he was my best friend. And his m-mom always watched out for me."

Alex said nothing. He took a step back, nodded once, then turned and walked through the house silently.

After a moment, I let myself out.

*****

Alex

I wasn't angry. How could I be angry? It was just. No matter how fucked up things got, you could only get truly angry if you thought that things weren't fair and just. I deserved every bit of this. Ember was fate, slapping me in the face and telling me it hadn't forgotten what I'd done. Two and a half decades had gone by and I'd successfully hidden. My guilt was in the past and I was living my quiet grey life. No love, no glory, no fame but also no pain.

Then she strode through the wreckage of my life, making me remember what was possible and what I had lost. I'd fucked women over the past twenty-five years. I'd had good times since my world ended. There were even times when I was happy. But Ember was the first thing since they died that was real. She was the first new person that I felt that I might be able to love. And she turned out to be my son's best friend and I was such a crappy father that I didn't even know she existed.

Well played, Fate.

I couldn't go back to my bedroom, to the smells and sights and memories. Grabbing two pillows from the couch, I went to the guest room. The sensors turned the bedside lamp on when I entered the room and I laid down and put my hands behind my head. I'm not sure how long I remained there staring at the ceiling, but I eventually rolled on my side, grabbed the lamp and hurled it against the wall. I didn't want to see, I didn't want the light. I wanted oblivion.

*****

"She's crowning. Would you like to watch? It's almost time."

I'd played before 50,000 people without butterflies and yet here I was with my wife, a doctor and two nurses and I felt like I was going to yack.

"No, I... I'm good here."

Becks had my hand in a death grip. I used the cloth that had been in the now tepid water to wipe the sweat from her brow. "Love you, Baby. You're doing amazing. You're a fucking miracle."

She took time from her grimacing to look up and give me a half-smile tinged with pain. Becks squeezed my hand and looked back down at the doctor who was between her legs.

Time passed. It could have been a minute or a year. I heard a squall and the doctor looked at Becks and then at me.

"Congratulations. You have a healthy, beautiful son."

*****

"Becks! Becks! Becks!"

She came running out the back door and onto the patio where I was kneeling in front of Eddie.

"What? What's wrong? What..."

"Shhhhh! Listen. Quiet." I waved my hand in a downward motion and she joined me, confusion on her beautiful face.

"Da..." He giggled. "Da..."

Tears pouring down my face, I grabbed him, stood and spun around. Pulling him close, I whispered in his ear.

"Yeah, buddy. I'm your dad."

*****

"Just get home. Right the fuck now." She hung up the phone.

She didn't seem pissed, but I'd never heard her like that. I put down the guitar. "Sorry, guys. Gotta go. Something weird's up."

I raced home in my Mustang. If the album was as big as the label thought it was going to be, I could finally trade it in for something reliable. Becks had the Volvo. That thing was like a tank and would run forever. She needed the good car, I didn't.

Slamming on the brakes in front of the house we rented I ran through the front door to see my wife and Eddie sitting on the floor of the living room. Becks looked at our son.

"Look, Eddie. Where's Daddy? Where's Daddy?"

She lifted him up to his feet and held him. "Where's Daddy?"

He pointed at me excitedly and then turned. She let go of him and he took a step towards me. And then another. Then he fell on his butt. Getting on his hands and knees, he carefully got back on his feet and wobbly took another step. Towards me. Towards his father. I got down on my knees and held out my arms, crying like a little bitch.

*****

"It's his first day of school! Don't give me some bullshit about you working on songs all night. I can hear you, Alex. You're slurring every word. Get a damned cab and get home. Now."

My head was splitting, and she was so insanely loud. "Look, we're right in the middle of something. It's really good. Joe found an amazing hook and..."

She spoke slowly and without inflection. Her anger pulsed through the phone line. "Alex, listen to me carefully. Call a cab. Get in the cab. Get home. This isn't ever going to happen again. It's a once in a lifetime thing."

"I'm not... I'll be there by this afternoon. Promise. We just need to..."

She hung up. The bitch hung up on me. What the fuck? So I missed breakfast. Who gives a fuck about breakfast? I have to be there for him to have some fucking Corn Flakes? I leaned back into the couch, hung up the phone and the bottle of Jack in my other hand fell to the floor.

*****

Blood was everywhere. Mike's nose was a wreck and I was about to hit him again. Some part of me knew that he let me hit him. Stepping close, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and just held me.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"No, it... No..." I tried to push him away, but he wouldn't let me. I finally leaned into him, rested my head on his shoulder and squeezed as hard as I could as I screamed, over and over and over.

They were gone.

*****

Waking up, it took me a minute to realize where I was and why. After laying there for a while, I got dressed and looked at the key rack. The Porsche seemed like a good choice. Going out to my huge garage, I passed the other cars, got into the red Porsche and pulled out onto the street. Within minutes I was at Big Bear Wine and Liquor on Hailey Lane.

They didn't have places like this before my hiatus from drinking, that was for sure. It was like a Home Depot for alcohol. The store was tremendous and had aisle after aisle of wine, beer, and liquor. I breathed deeply, feeling a melancholy lifting. Songs ran through my head, dominated by riffs that were hard and fast. This is where I belonged.

I put the two six-packs and the bottle of Jack on the counter. My hand lingered on the bottle. I'd missed the feel of its edges, how they caressed my hand. I could afford anything they carried now. Hell, I could afford to buy the place, but the bottle of Jack seemed fitting and right. I was going back to where I started.

"Find everything you were looking for?" She was a cute kid. Probably early twenties. Way too perky and happy, but life would beat that out of her.

"Sure did. Sure did."

I gave her a fifty and let her keep the change. Getting back in the car, I was up over 110 by the time I got to the studio. This was home. Where I lived was just a house, a building where I kept my shit. Going into Mike's office, I took out what I wanted. He thought he was my caretaker. Big Mike kept all the stuff he thought I'd want someday. It was all garbage, trinkets and worthless crap.

There'd been a time when I'd dream of the burn as the liquid slid down my throat. More than anything, that's what my subconscious thought of as I slept. The slightly harsh burn was a Pavlovian trigger, signaling that release was on its way. Those dreams haunted me for more than a decade. That's not what I hungered for now. I just wanted what only my curse could give me. It would let me forget, and that's what I craved.

My mouth was dry, and my head was pounding. I smelled some sort of flowers. Blinking slowly, I opened my eyes. I was on the couch in reception, the Gold Records for "Dance of Death", "Carrion Fever" and "Tomorrow Corpse" were laying on the floor among four of my Grammys. Mike was crouched down, staring at me from less than a foot away. Twisting my sore neck to my right, I realized that my head was on Lini's lap and what I was smelling was her perfume.

I looked back at Big Mike. "I didn't... They're unopened. I didn't."

"I know, buddy. I know. Let's get you to a meeting."

*****

Ember

"You are being so unfair! Mommy, please!"

Leia burst into tears and it was a struggle, a real fucking struggle, not to cry with her.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but we can't go tomorrow."

"That's what you said last time, too! I haven't seen Mr. Mike or Alex or Ms. Lini forever and Alex said we were gonna learn part of the puppet song and he said learning new songs is important to get better and... and..."

"I'm sorry, Leia."

She wailed, a heart-wrenching cry of pure misery, and ran to her room. It was only when she got there that I let out the breath I'd been holding, along with a small amount of tears.

Being a mom was the hardest thing I'd ever done. It was harder than raising Jimmy. It was harder than having shitty parents who didn't feed you enough and didn't buy you school supplies. It was harder than walking to your best friend's house after not seeing him for three days, knocking on the door, and having a strange woman answer and tell you that Eddie wasn't ever going to be able to play again.