Chapter 70

And those days were the hardest days of motherhood I'd experienced.

Leia lashed out at me. I didn't blame her. She was angry, upset, and discovering the crushing realization that life isn't fair. How could I blame her for being upset as her childish sense of justice was questioned and destroyed? She wasn't wrong: it wasn't fair, it didn't make sense, and I was kind of a poopy-headed meanie.

Although, I'd still sent her to her room after she called me the last one. It wasn't fair, either, but she wasn't allowed to talk to people like that.

I could hear Leia sobbing in her room from where I stood in the kitchen. After taking a moment to compose myself, wiping my own tears off my face, and putting my "mom" face back on, I went to her room.

"Sweetie?"

She sniffed loudly, her face buried in her pillow.

"Leia, honey. I know this isn't fair. I'm sad, too."

She sniffed again, a bit less dramatically, and turned her head so she could look at me with one eye.

"You are?"

I nodded and sat on the edge of her bed.

"I'll call Al—uh. I'll call the studio again tomorrow and we'll... we'll see. Maybe Uncle Jimmy can come over instead and help you learn some new songs."

She sniffed again, wiping her face with the pillowcase before sitting up.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you, Mommy," she said. "I didn't know you were sad, too."

I had to blink very rapidly and stare up at the ceiling as she hugged me.

She was practicing her guitar a few minutes later, quiet strumming as I gently closed her bedroom door and went back to the kitchen. I picked up my phone and scrolled back through the messages.

I'm sorry. I didn't know. Can we talk?

Ok, if you don't want to talk, that's fine. Can you just let me know you're ok?

Should I bring Leia for her lesson tonight or no?

Called Lini, she just said you're not there. Alex, just tell me if you're okay. I'm worried.

It's been four days. Are you even fucking alive?

You asked me to keep bringing Leia for lessons but I can't do that if you're not going to be there. I need you to let me know.

Ok, so we're communicating through Lini now? Thanks a fucking lot.

I'm sorry. I was mad when I sent that. There's no real guideline for how to deal with shit like this. I'm not going to beg but I'd really like to talk about this.

Please.

Sighing, I typed a final message to him.

Lini called. I'm not bringing Leia tomorrow night. Sorry.

I wasn't expecting a reply, and didn't get one. Instead, I sent a message to Jimmy.

Will you help Leia learn some new songs?

Yeah, I guess... something wrong with Alex showing her?

Don't want to talk about it. Come over tomorrow night. I'll make spaghetti.

I busied myself after that. I cleaned the kitchen, made dinner, cleaned the kitchen again. Leia was sullen, a stoic sense of acceptance and disappointment in her innocent eyes.

"Can Baylee come over?" she asked when we were done eating.

"If Kelsie says she can, sure. I'll send her a message."

Of course Kelsie said yes. She was over before I had even finished cleaning the kitchen. Even Baylee seemed to be affected by the sadness that permeated my house. She said her usual cheerful greeting to me, then quietly walked to Kelsie's bedroom.

"How are you doing?" Kelsie asked. She picked up a dish towel and started drying the dishes I'd stacked in the sink.

"You don't have to do that."

"Whatever." She dried a plate and slid it into the cupboard. "Answer my question."

I stared at the dish I was scrubbing.

"Okay," I said after a moment's thought. "I talked to Lini. I'm not bringing Leia for any more lessons."

"What the fuck? Really? Has he messaged you yet?"

"No."

"After all that, he doesn't even have the decency to—"

"Don't, Kels. I'm not pissed."

She fell silent.

"Lini said he's been having a rough time. He almost started drinking again."

"Shit."

"Like, bought a bunch of alcohol and almost... Don't tell anyone. I mean, Lini told me but I don't know if—"

"Yeah, yeah. Cross my heart, all that stuff. So he's, uh... relapsing? Is that what's it called?"

I shrugged. "I feel awful."

"It's not your fault."

"I know it's not. I still feel bad for him."

"So you think it's over? Like, whatever the two of you had?"

"I guess so. He doesn't seem... you know. I don't blame him. How do you get past that?"

"But you still wanted it to go somewhere." It wasn't a question. "You still do want it to go somewhere, don't you?"

When I didn't respond, she put the dishtowel down, wrapped her arms around my shoulders, and let me cry.

Two weeks went by. Jimmy started coming over regularly, helping Leia with new songs. She still asked about her lessons, still cried when I said we weren't going to the studio. She would make Jimmy promise that he'd tell Mr. Mike hello from her, and Jimmy always came back the next day saying that Mr. Mike said hello back.

She asked him to say hello to Alex as well. I didn't listen to see if Alex had also said hello back.

Jimmy was in the living room with Leia when Alex finally texted me.

Can u tell me how u knew him?

*****

Alex

"They" say that a parent should never outlive their child. The ubiquitous "they". There's truth in that, but it's not a worst-case scenario. "They" don't seem to have an aphorism that covers how parents shouldn't be responsible for the death of their children.

"They" also say that you need to take things one day at a time. That was actually of more help to me, both in my sobriety and in dealing with the loss I was responsible for. A lifetime of living with the guilt of my wife and son being crushed by that truck because I was in rehab instead of with them was inconceivable, but today? Yeah, I could probably make it through today.

Another truism was that the best way to help yourself is often to help others. So, that's what I did. Big Mike got us a chartered flight to New York and we spent a week volunteering at a center for veterans with addiction issues in Westchester. It was good, for both of us. Mike had to scale back his scary bad-ass persona since we were dealing with some actual scary bad-asses. I was able to get some perspective on who I was, both to myself and others.

Lini held down the fort. In addition to everything else, it was humbling to see how little we were actually needed. We like to pretend that we're hard-core and knee-deep in the business, but the truth is that it was often just a fancy clubhouse for not-so grown-up little boys. While we escaped our privileged lifestyles by sharing a room and doing grunt work for a while, Lini made sure that the trains ran on time, the bills got paid and everyone was happy back home at the studio.

Em sent texts. Lots of texts. I couldn't deal and Mike threatened to take my phone. I've known for a while that it was okay to be selfish when it came to my sobriety. If she was triggering me, I needed distance. But that was while I was awake. I'd lay in that uncomfortable, narrow bed ten feet away from a snoring Mike and start to think of her as I drifted off.

I wanted to answer her texts. Fuck, I wanted to just grab the phone and call her. That's what I wanted, but not what I needed. Besides, what was I going to say? That I was 1,500 miles away handling my shit so I can't help Leia today? Instead, I leaned on Lini again. She'd tell me that Em would call and what they discussed. I was an open book. I was being honest when I told Em that I didn't want there to be any more secrets. Lini had carte blanche to tell her anything.

After putting the mop and bucket back in the closet, I went down to the kitchen. Mike was doing food prep. He was surprisingly good. He had a staff member telling him what was needed, but if he put his mind to it, there were few things he couldn't do. I grabbed an orange and a sandwich and sat next to him while he chopped some celery.

"When you're done eating, pack your shit. We have a flight back at nine."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. LaGuardia."

"You don't ever get tired of just making all the decisions, like I'm gonna follow you around like your puppy or some shit?"

"You wanna stay, Alex? Got some more stuff to work through? Wanna clean a few more toilets?"

He continued when I remained silent.

"Didn't think so. Car service is picking us up at seven."

"Okay."

Lini gave us a thorough debriefing when we returned to the office two days later. I'd had a cleaning service come in and scrub down my house. It smelled vaguely like some industrial-strength antiseptic, but at least I was able to go back in my bedroom. I still slept in the guestroom, but at least the bedroom didn't hold too many ghosts of what could have been.

"Give me some good news, Lini. Seriously, anything. Tell me something about your church or the studio or your kids or something."

"Okay, how about this? Jimmy picked up four of your studio sessions and the clients were pissed as hell. Before the session. When they left they couldn't stop talking about him. He also went through your notes and worked on some songs with Bryn. When they were done, Bryn called and begged me to get you back to work, but he appreciated Jimmy's trying and said he was working his ass off."

"No shit?"

"I'm not making it up, if that's what you're asking. And we've had this discussion before. It's your studio. You and Mike and everyone else can do whatever you want anywhere else, but in my office, please watch the cursing."

Sometimes I forget that Mike and I aren't normal people. Lini is the epitome of middle-America and is probably the most decent person I know. The woman's already starting college funds for grandkids that haven't been born yet.

"Uhm, yeah. Sorry."

She smiled. "It's okay. Just... I need my own little space sometimes. You get that, right?"

"Sure. You're the mom here and that's not your job. I'll try to do better."

"Thanks. Oh, he also gave two tours. One to some high school students and one to a manager who has some acts he thinks might want to do some recording. Honestly, he's like a different person. He's nothing like the arrogant kid that was yelling at everyone that first day."

"Yeah. Pretty crazy."

"Alex, I was complimenting you. That didn't happen in a vacuum and it wasn't an accident. You know he looks up to you, right? Like a... Well, he looks up to you."

"I, uh, yeah. Well, it's him. He's doing the work."

She just smiled. "Sure."

I was back a week before I finally sent Em a text of my own.

Can u tell me how u knew him?

She didn't reply right away. I'd fixed most of Jimmy's work with Bryn and sent it over to him and I began making some notes on what changes I'd made and why. I'd been avoiding Jimmy and going over what he'd tried to do and my thoughts would be a good way to break the ice. We clearly needed to talk.

I got the text as I was finishing my notes.

We went to the same school. Then he moved down the street from us with his mom. I didn't know about you. I mean, he talked about his dad all the time but he never said what you did, who you were. Just that you traveled a lot. I spent a lot of time at their house. She was really nice to me, I told you that. It was like having a stable home or something. After... I really missed them. A lot. I'm sorry.

It wasn't a lot, but it was something. What I really wanted was to hear her tell me about my son. A story, an anecdote, a favorite joke; anything that I could latch onto. Something in me wouldn't let me ask. I hoped against hope that she'd volunteer something.

Popping my head into studio four, I waited while the musicians carried their stuff out.

"Jimmy, got a few minutes? Can we go over the stuff you did with Bryn?"

"Yeah, sure."

He sat down in my office a few minutes later. I got up, closed the door and then sat back down.

"I'm not sure where to start. I owe you an apology. I'm not going to sugar-coat it. I'm not sorry for what I did, but I am sorry about how I did it. On top of that, I should have told you as soon as you started working here. Not many people know I'm Curt Llama, but you deserved to know."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, we're good."

For better or for worse, guys were a lot less complicated than women.

I told him we were bumping his pay up to $1,500 a week and then we went over the songs. We discussed his approach, what his thought processes were and why I went in the directions I did. He asked the right questions and seemed excited.

"So, uh, feel free to say no. I, uh, I sorta started working on my own stuff. I mean, I've always done that. If you play, you don't really have a choice, but I've sorta gotten serious about it. If you could, uh, maybe take a look? When you have a chance? Or not. Whatever."

I smiled at how nervous he was. "I'd be happy to, Jimmy. Nervous?"

"Yeah, a little."

"First time?"

"No, I've been nervous before."

I laughed. He must have watched the movie with Em, just like she said.

A few days later he casually mentioned that he'd been stopping by Em's house on the days that I used to teach Leia. He'd sit with his niece in their living room and he'd teach her what he could. It was fine. Actually, it was the way it was supposed to be and was sort of full circle. I stepped in to do the job because he was in rockstar mode and refused to, in spite of his promises. So, yeah, it was fine.

Which was confusing, because it left me feeling like shit.

I kept my head down and nose to the grindstone for another week before I found myself standing in front of my rack of guitars next to the wall of amps. My thumb was acting of its own accord as it slid back and forth across the calluses on my finger. After throwing some picks and a package of strings in the pocket of my leather jacket, I grabbed the Taylor acoustic and headed out to my bike.

Standing in front of their door, I had to wipe my sweaty palms on my black jeans before knocking. It took a minute before the door opened. I couldn't read her expression. All I knew was that she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and that my heart ached as I looked at her.

"Uh, Jimmy, he's doing some session work. I thought, maybe, if it's okay, maybe I could step in for him? With Leia? If it's all right?"

*****

Ember

If it was all right?

All right?

He thought he could show up on my doorstep without warning, without so much as a message, holding a guitar and wearing those black jeans and that leather jacket and was... was that a motorcycle?

I blinked those thoughts away as I stared at Alex. Regardless of how good he looked, we still hadn't spoken in weeks. We hadn't talked about Eddie. We hadn't talked about the way that information had sent him spiraling. We hadn't talked about how guilty I felt, how worried I was, or how hurt I'd been that he refused to talk to me.

And, as I processed his words, it was unlikely he was there to talk about it now.

He was there to see Leia.

I'm ashamed to admit I almost closed the door in his face. I almost used my daughter as a punishment, withholding her from seeing someone she cared about simply because I was angry he wasn't there to see me. He wasn't entitled to see her, not really. He wasn't family, he was just her guitar teacher.

Except he wasn't just her guitar teacher.

Not to mention, if Jimmy was working and couldn't make it, Leia would be devastated yet again.

"Don't get her hopes up," I said. "You tell her it's just today. Just today. And if she asks why you aren't teaching her anymore, you say it's because you asked Jimmy to take over because he needs to learn how to teach guitar lessons."

"Okay, but—"

"And if she asks why she can't go to the studio to do her lessons, you say it's because you're fully booked and there's no room."

He nodded.

"You have one hour." My voice broke a bit and I turned away from the door, hoping he didn't notice. "Don't go over."

"Em, wait."

"Leia! Come here please."

"Ember, please."

His voice cracked and the barely-healed scar on my heart had split open. A forlorn yearning, almost physically painful, filled my chest. I swallowed hard, taking a breath before responding.

"I don't hold it against you," I said quietly. "I understand why you had to... why you didn't call. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt, Alex. So just... just do the lesson, okay?"

"Can we—"

"Alex!" screeched Leia. She practically bowled me over as she raced to the door and threw her arms around him.

I listened from the kitchen over the next hour-and-a-half as Leia chattered at Alex, her talking interspersed occasionally with the sound of their guitars. I listened to the low rumble of Alex's voice as he responded to her and his bright laugh when she said something funny. I tried very hard not to picture the smile that accompanied that laugh, that smile that made me melt, knowing that if I did my heart would break all over again, knowing I couldn't have him.

When the one hour mark passed, I almost went in to end the lesson. Instead, I started making dinner.

Half an hour later, I stepped into the living room. Leia was in the middle of playing a new song, Alex listening carefully as she strummed. I folded my arms, leaning against the doorway as I waited for her to finish.

I didn't owe him anything. I didn't owe him the chance to talk to me, or forgiveness, or an apology, or an explanation for why I wouldn't listen to him. I had done nothing wrong, and really, neither had he. As I watched him quietly listen to Leia's guitar, though, I realized I owed it to myself. I needed closure as much as anything else, and it wasn't worth refusing it just to make a point.

Alex looked up at me when Leia finished the song.

"Think that's all the time we have," he said to Leia. "Smells like your dinner's ready."

"Okay," Leia said sadly.

"You did good, kiddo. Jimmy's a pretty good teacher, hey?"

She grinned again and nodded as Alex stood up.

"Sorry. I didn't realize it was an hour. Uh, I think that clock over there might be broken." He motioned at a clock I had hanging on the wall, the time frozen at 4:43.

"Battery's dead," I replied. "Just never bothered replacing it."

He nodded. "Well, sorry."

"Stay for dinner."

Alex's eyes widened just a bit, but he managed to contain most of his shock.

"You sure?"

"It's just Kraft Mac and Cheese with hot dogs. Hope that's okay."

I ate quietly, as did Alex. Leia ate slowly because she was talking so much, only finally finishing her small portion after I pointed out that the longer she took to eat, the less time she would have to walk Pepper with Baylee before she had to come in.

"Right!" she exclaimed. "Alex, you can come with us to walk Pepper, if you want!"

"Uh..."

"Alex and I have something to discuss," I said firmly. "Kelsie said she would walk Pepper with you girls."

She hadn't, but she usually came with me and the girls, so I held out hope that she'd agree to it. I managed to give her a head's up via text while Leia enlisted Alex to help her clear the table, and she was over just a few minutes later to pick up Leia and the dog, raising her eyebrows meaningfully at me.

After they left, I returned to the kitchen. His back was to me, wrist-deep in a sink full of suds as he washed the last of the dinner plates.

Whoever said there was nothing sexier than a man who did housework was wrong. There was nothing sexier than Alex, specifically Alex, in his dark jeans and black T-shirt doing dishes in my kitchen. He put the last dish on the drying rack and turned to me, wiping his hands on the dish towel.

"So," he said.

"Did you come here just for the lesson or was that a cover?"

"Both."

I snorted and a lopsided half-smile crossed his face.