Chapter 9: Hope and Fear

Constantine took revenge on me. He teased me mercilessly until I screamed, but he didn’t want to give me the ultimate pleasure. When I begged him after he kept seducing and teasing me, finally, he joined our bodies together.

I was almost asleep when he whispered, “I don’t know what will happen later. But I promise I’ll protect you with my life. I failed in the past life. I don’t wish to repeat it.”

The night came soon. I woke up but couldn’t leave the bed as Constantine’s arm held my waist. When I tried to move his arm, there was a kiss on my shoulder.

“You woke up. Where are you going?”

“I need to go to the bathroom,” I said.

“Okay, but you should return here immediately when you are done.”

He released his hold on me so I could go to the bathroom. After having a leak, I looked at myself in the mirror. As I guessed before, there were bruises on my waist and some red stains on my neck, chest, stomach, and thighs. Considering how rough Constantine and I had mated, I guess it was expected.

Then I walked back to the bed, snuggling into his warm body again. He kissed my lips.

“Have I told you how beautiful you are?”

“Not yet.”

“Then I have been ignorant. If I were a painter, I would create you on the canvas. You are truly a delight to my eyes.”

“You are quite a delight to my eyes too.” I cupped his face, then touched his eyebrows. “I love how thick your eyebrows are. Then I love your nose too.” I kissed the tip of his nose. “But I mostly adore your lips.”

“Your lips are enchanting too, my darling.” His fingers moved to follow the curve of my upper and lower lips. Then he stared deep into my eyes. “Your eyes are so expressive, but sometimes I sense you hide your feelings. Why?”

“I don’t like to be an open book.” Especially with you now, you might find me unattractive and dull if you could see me through quickly. So, I didn’t want you to read me since I needed you to fall for me, profoundly and eternally.

“Why did you become my mistress? I mean in our past lives. You said it was the only way for you to be with me.” His thumb created little circles on my jaw. “Your skin is so soft. I like it.”

I smiled a little, loving the distraction from what he said about me. But, as little as it was, I received the compliment as if I drank blood in the past: greedily and yearningly.

“Well?” His black eyes gazed into me, penetrating to search for the answer he wanted to know.

“I saw how kind you were with street children. Two of them were my relatives. It touched my heart, and I felt I wanted to spend my life with you.” I sighed, recalling the past when I met Constantine for the first time. “I was a new vampire who knew no one. Then I was tired and thirsty. Yet, seeing you so kind with the children warmed my heart. I instantly fell for you.” Still, until now, I was madly, desperately, and stubbornly in love with you.

His thumb, creating the circles on my jaw, stopped moving. “But how could you fall in love so easily? You didn’t know me, did you?”

“If I could decide of love based on my logic, how convenient it would be.” I chuckled a little, as I didn’t know how often I thought about it. Somehow it would escape me from years of heartache and despair. Sadly, I couldn’t. “I loved you, but you didn’t love me. You saw me as a beautiful partner you enjoyed inside and outside of bedroom. Yet, that’s it, and nothing’s more.”

Saying the fact was bitter. Yet, I loved this man. Regardless of how much I wanted to give him some ideas that he loved me, I didn’t want a fake one. Did I expect too much?

Then Constantine kissed my forehead. “Please listen to me. I told you I saw the vision of your death and mine. I heard myself say that I love you.” He kissed my lips. “Maybe I wasn’t the most expressive man with words.”

I burst into tears. It would mean everything if I could hear him saying those magical three words, but not now. Not when he hadn’t felt it. I did hear him tell me the vision, but I didn’t pay attention well. Then, hearing him repeat those words swept me to a scary point: hope.

In my past life, I lived hoping to win his love. I wished to carry and give birth to his baby so he could marry me. Even if he didn’t marry me, having his love was more than enough. Now, I heard him say that he loved me in his vision. Could he love me again?

I closed my eyes to think. There are two sides of hope. When we put our hopes high, we might feel alive. We could have extra power to do anything. However, when hope was crushed, we also put out our energy in life. I was frightened. What should I choose? Should I bear to live a similar life as before?

Constantine’s kiss on my eyelids startled me. I blinked my eyes a few times to see him observe me.

“What did you think? You seemed frightened and confused when you opened your eyes.”

Should I ask him? No, it was not the right time. I needed more time.

“Victoria? My darling?”

I bit my lower lip. But the Highest One granted me a second chance. Didn’t I need to be bold?

“My pretty girl?” Then Constantine was quiet, as I hadn’t answered him yet. “My love?”

My heart pounded so loud that I wondered if Constantine could hear it too. “I thought to ask you something. But I’m not sure if I should ask you.”

“Ask me. You won’t know if you don’t ask.”

“I-I ….” He was right. I should ask him. “C-can you love me?” I bent my head, afraid to see a pity in his eyes and hear rejection on his lips.

But then he lifted my chin. “Since I loved you in the past, I think I can love you again. But please be patient with me.”