Alone

I was staring out of the window when the teacher asked me a question. They often did this, thinking I didn't pay attention. I can pay attention and dream of being somewhere else at the same time, dummy-teacher.

I answered quietly. I didn't know when I stopped speaking loudly it's something that just happened. Maybe when everyone just makes fun of the way you talk you just stop wanting to be heard? I didn't know and honestly I didn't care.

My answer was correct so the class continued, but not without snide remarks and people mimicking my answer. I was too used to this by now. It still hurt. I could leave school after I got my wolf and I would. I couldn't wait for the day where I wouldn't need to be here anymore. Wouldn't need to talk anymore. I was counting the days until the next full moon. The next full moon would be called frost moon. I always knew I would get my wolf during that moon, that's why I chose this name. The frost moon symbolises freedom for me. I finally could leave the school. Maybe I could even leave the pack. Nothing would make me happier.

I knew many stayed in school after getting their wolf, my parents expected me to stay after getting my wolf. It would be okay, I told myself, you can go against them and leave. You can stand up for yourself. I actually had secretly made a lot of money with my photography. I would enter nature photography competitions and win regularly. I probably had more savings than my parents by now.

The day just slowly passed, it was a blur. People were talking, about me? To me? I couldn't tell. I was thinking about Minerva. I was thinking about the first snow when I would be able to see prints of animals again. I was mostly excited to see the big paw prints of our local lynx. The ghost of the forest. You only ever saw signs, but never the ghost himself.

I will see him once and then I will die happy no matter what happens in my life, I thought, the corners of my lips curled into a small smile. Seeing him will probably cost me days just spent hiding in the forest, waiting for him to come by. But I will have that time after leaving school. Just the thought about sitting alone in the forest for a few days got my heart beating faster. A little glimpse of comfort.

After school I went home. Someone had thrown the sponges at me that were used to clean the blackboard so I wanted/had to change clothes before going out. If I didn't, even more people would annoy me. I didn't want to hear anymore snickers behind my back, at least not for today. My parents were home. My mother had made sandwiches. We ate together as a family and no one mentioned the stains. Maybe they were too faint or they just didn't care. Not that it mattered.

I didn't feel like taking pictures today. If you don't feel it you just need to rest and get bored. People nowadays are always on their phone as if they are afraid of boredom.

I went to an old abandoned playground and sat down at the swingset. Lazily swinging while watching the sun turn red.

"Hi." James sat down on the swing next to me. I hadn't even heard him come. It's been a long time since we last talked, I looked around to see if someone was there but we were all alone. Good, so I wouldn't embarrass him by being seen with me.

'lo" I replied after being sure we were alone.

An awkward silence spread between us. I was surprised when James finally broke the silence and his question surprised me even more.

"Do you hate me?" He asked. I was stunned. Did I hate him? I explored my feelings. I didn't. I just felt nothing. So I told him the truth.

"Do you hate me?" I asked, looking at her lonely silhouette. She was quiet for a while, as if wondering how to answer. Or maybe she was wondering why I ask or care. To be honest I didn't know why I asked that. Then she answered.

"No. I don't hate you. Hating you would mean I care about you, but I don't. Not anymore. We used to be friends but now you are just a pathetic little alpha. You are not worthy of my hate."

"Pathetic?" I asked, confused. How could I be pathetic?

"Needing to take others down to feel good about yourself. Pathetic. Your ego is so fragile I feel bad that my answer will probably hurt it severely." I hadn't heard her speak that much in a long time, nor say such harsh things. Is that how she really thought about us? Me? My friends? That we were nothing? That making fun of her was the only way we could feel better about ourselves? About our insecurities? Was she right? Throughout all this she never raised her voice. She said everything in a monotone voice as if reading a news article about the weather. She couldn't care less. In her mind she was just stating facts.

I looked at her. There was nothing in her eyes. No hate, no love. She really didn't care. Not one single bit. Somehow that hurt me. I was thinking about her a lot, but she didn't seem to care about me at all.

We used to be best friends before school started. I used to see her every day. I used to talk with her and only her about our nerdy topics. We read Lovecraft together.

I still remember vividly our last Halloween, where she took me into the dark forest just to cite nevermore from Edgar Allan Poe to me. She had spent weeks learning this by heart to not ruin the atmosphere with a flashlight.

But that was all six years ago. In the last six years, the times we have spoken, I can count on one hand.

I can't recall her face anymore how she looked when I, for the first time, sided with my friends and joined them in making fun of her. Was she sad? Angry? Disgusted?

Now there weren't any of these feelings anymore. I wasn't in her eyes or heart anymore. I was just somebody that she used to know.

She got up and left. I watched her walk away into the forest like an idiot. Her words were still fresh in my ears and her emotionless eyes had stabbed my heart.

I do admit I made mistakes, but I always thought she'd understand. It was just to protect her. If we were officially friends then they would make fun of me, too. My parents wouldn't allow that. I couldn't allow that. I was going to be the alpha of the clan, I couldn't be some nobody who likes lovecraft and is into nerdy shit. No way!

And come on, what we did to her wasn't that bad? It was just some jokes! We would all forget about it once we were older. A scream interrupted my thoughts and I dashed into the dark forest. That sounded very much like my sister Jane.

I followed my brother secretly. If he had a hidden girlfriend or found his mate without telling me I wanted to be the first to know.

And maybe I could use that to my advantage so he would finally agree to switch rooms? I had much more stuff than him. It was unfair that just because he will be the next alpha he got the bigger room!

James rode his bike around aimlessly and I followed, getting more and more confused. Then he stopped and went to an old abandoned playground.

This playground hadn't been used in ages because it is not very close and all it has is an old swing set and a slide. It's far from the city centre, too.

Even if you go there, there were rarely other children and what is the fun and visiting playground when there are no other kids to play with?

I stop dead in my tracks when I saw someone sitting on the swings. Someone familiar. Muru, that stupid bitch. I sneered inwardly. What was she doing here? Maybe she knew that she was the laughing stock of the whole pack and that is why she was hiding out here. Who would take a wolf like her seriously? She was quiet, no matter what you did to her, she never spoke up.

She was a failure of a wolf, that much I could tell. She didn't even participate in pack activities - like ever. My parents (the leaders of the pack) had many celebrations each year and all of the pack members would help out in at least one. All except her.

What was my brother doing with her? I knew they used to be friends, but once they went to school my brother saw her for what she was and abandoned her for more suitable friends.

I watched my brother going to her and sitting next to her on the swing. They seemed to talk for a while.

After a while Muru got up abruptly. Shit shit shit. I thought. He would be angry if he found me snooping! Hurriedly I got on my bike and drove into the forest. I missed a root, slipped and fell. Sharp pain shot threw my arm. I screamed.

"Oww." I whimpered and tried to move my arm, but that was impossible. "Ow ow ow." I repeated. I must have broken my arm. I carefully got up, looked at my bike, and decided to leave it. I either get it later or make my parents buy me a new one. I smiled at that thought.

I hadn't gone far when Muru suddenly was in front of me.

"Are you alright?" She asked with her quiet, calm voice that made me feel sick to my stomach. You are a werewolf, act like that!

I didn't know if my brother was still close by, but I decided to take a gamble, I screamed as loud as I could and backed away from her. I could see the confusion and worry on her face. Even now she was more worried about me than anything. She would be a liability for our pack, I was sure of it.

"Jane!" I heard James calling, then I heard rustling and a moment later I found myself in the warm embrace of my brother.

"What have you done to her?" He snarled at Muru. That was perfect!

"James, she pushed me very hard. I think my arm is broken. I don't know why she did that." I sniffed, forcing out a few fake tears. I knew that this would trigger James. As a child I had been badly beaten up by a different pack and I nearly died, ever since my whole family was babying me a little much.

"You lied to me." James hissed at her. "Why would you do that? Is it that you do care about the jokes and you just act like you don't care so you can secretly take revenge on my little sister?"

Muru looked at him with a blank face.

"Whatever." She said. As expected she didn't even care to clean up that misunderstanding. I had watched her for a while. She never did. If she got accused of something, even if she hadn't done it, she wouldn't care. She would just let people scream at her and when they were done she would leave, as if she didn't give one single damn about who was screaming at her and why. As if she was better than all of us and didn't need to justify herself. That's why I hated her so much. I always started crying when someone would scream at me and I hated this weak side of me. But she didn't. Just then I realised that I had never seen her cry - ever.

"Did you push my sister?" James growled. Muru just stared at him with her dead eyes, waiting.

"Did you?" He asked.

"Does it matter?" She asked quietly and for a second I thought I saw a hidden sadness in her eyes that nearly, but only nearly, made me feel bad for her.

"Yes, it fucking does matter!" James had gotten up and was right in her face. She didn't even flinch, she just shrugged. Oh, I hated her so much!

I hated her guts, I hated how she always seemed so strong, indifferent and cool.

A loud smack brought me back to reality. James had punched her. And he kept punching her.

"You dare to hurt my sister!" He screamed enraged.

I was shocked. I had never expected that. Muru didn't even defend herself. She was just lying there, curled up in a ball while James let out all his rage.

I thought he would stop soon but he just kept going and going. Finally I hugged him.

"James, please stop. My arm hurts, bring me to the hospital." I begged. "If you kill her you won't be able to live with yourself." I thought. James slowly stopped and looked at me.

"Hospital. Yes." He agreed, then he picked me up and carried me like a baby to the hospital.

"Let's never talk about today." I whispered. I had looked back on Muru when he carried me away, she was barely breathing, but she was still alive. Good. Now I had to protect my brother.