Devastated
It was the day of the next full moon. I was excited. We would have three new wolves joining us tonight! They all had their first shift last full moon and now they would come back from their month of isolation and meet the pack.
Maybe someone would meet their mate! It was always a big celebration when that happened.
"Muru will be there, too" I thought and couldn't help but feel guilty. The last time I saw her I had beaten her up badly. I probably should apologise - if she would take my apology that is.
Worse was I knew she was that girl from Instagram. Frost_Moon. The next day after I had beaten her up I went to the hospital again to get painkillers for Jane and I. It was the same time as Muru had been found and brought in. Her face was so swollen she was barely recognizable. I walked past when they cut open her shirt to investigate her chest. I later heard she had a few cracked ribs from one of the nurses. But that was when I saw on her collarbone a mole shaped like a butterfly.
"Fuck." I thought. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." Even now, remembering that all I could think was "fuck, fuck, fuck."
To make it up to her I had been talking to my friends doing my best to convince them that Muru wasn't that bad of a person. That she was funny and nice when you got to know her. And I told them that she was beautiful, because often they referred to her as "that disgusting ugly bitch."
They didn't believe me so I showed them the only picture I had from her, The one Frost_Moon had sent me. No one believed that it was Muru, which kinda bummed me out a little, but I didn't give up. I just wanted them to treat her better so I could feel less guilty, or at last this is what I told myself.
Before we went to the full moon meet, my parents and I dropped my sister off at a friend's house. My sister technically was old enough to stay alone, but ever since the attack on her years ago we - and her - felt better knowing she wasn't alone.
The full moon meet was on a beautiful clearing not too far off from the town. We usually made a fire. Some of us shifted and some didn't. We had a special private place for shifting behind some thick spruce trees with emergency clothes just in case. I actually had made sure yesterday that there were enough clothes in different sizes available. The older I became the more my parents let me take over pack related duties so I learned what all needed to be done. I would be the future alpha after all.
We arrived at the clearing. Some pack members were already there. The greeted us with big smiles.
"I made some extra food, the new ones probably are starving when they arrive here. It's hard to find food in the winter under all the snow." Maddy our cook happily chirped. She loved cooking.
With new ones she meant those who just got their wolf and shifted for the first time in their lives. I tried to recall my first shift but I couldn't remember much.
"It was painful." Argus, my wolf, said. "And I was so inexperienced, luckily it was summer so we could eat berries you found for the first week." I nodded. I had completely forgotten about my month alone in the woods. Just too much had happened since then.
Slowly more and more people appeared. Some shifted into their wolf form and some stayed normal. We chatted and laughed. Each month we had this get-together to greet the new wolves under us and else just to drink, talk and catch up, because often pack business could get so busy, that there were months where you just didn't have time for this otherwise.
Soon the first new wolf arrived. It was a large brown male. After he shifted behind the bushes and threw on some clothes he went straight for the food. I knew him from school so I nodded as he went past me. Next was another grey wolf, another male, another classmate.
Then Muru came. I could smell her from far away. "Mate!" My wolf said. "No." I thought, with mixed feelings. I wanted her to be my mate, but at the same time I was afraid of her reaction, afraid that she would reject me. Muru was an off white small wolf with long legs, because of the wind she hadn't smelled me yet, she didn't know yet. I noticed she had something in her snout, but I couldn't see what until after she had shifted and came to the clearing. She had a dead rabbit in her hand. She went straight to the alpha and handed it to him. She said something to him but I couldn't hear, but my father seemed very pleased.
My legs moved on their own, or Argus moved them, but in no time I stood in front of her and she looked up, finally smelling me. Her eyes went wide. I expected to see hatred and disgust on her face, I expected her to start crying, but for a moment she just looked at me with wide eyes and then I saw an expression on her face I had never seen. It wasn't hate, anger or disgust. Later I recognized it for what it was, but at that moment my heart leaped. Didn't that mean she didn't hate me? Didn't find me disgusting? Didn't find the idea of us disgusting?
Her expression back then showed pure and raw desperation. I think the moment I became her mate something in her just broke and I never noticed. Instead I smiled at her like an idiot.
"Mate", I whispered to her. She didn't respond, she just looked past me with a frozen expression. Then she said with an emotionless calm voice "give me some time" and went to get something to eat. Leaving me back dumbfounded. It took all my control to not run after her, to not grab her and hug her until she forgave me. What had just happened? Was this now positive or negative?
"Our mate hates us after what you did to her doesn't she?" Argus asked me, snapping me out of my trance. "No. I don't think so." I said, now that he said that I wasn't sure anymore. Did she hate us? Would she reject us? I probably deserved that but Argus did not!
"What is this full moon called?" Ayla asked while we were on our way to the clearing. "Winter Moon." I answered. She smiled.
"Another nice name." I hummed in agreement. We were in our wolf form, carrying a big rabbit we had hunted. It was an old tradition long forgotten, but I had read about it. After the first shift on the next full moon bring the alpha fresh caught prey to show the pack that you will be a valuable pack member. I didn't care about that, I wanted to leave the pack anyway, but Ayla wanted to make a good first impression on the other wolves, so here we were, carrying fresh prey
I arrived at the clearing. After shifting behind the trees and putting on some clothes I let Ayla bring the prey to the alpha. She happily told him about the tradition and he just as happily accepted it. I think this was the first time I made a good impression on someone in a very long time. It felt kinda good. I was so lost in thought that I hadn't noticed James approaching us.
"Mate!" Ayla yelled in my head. I turned around and looked at James. It is hard for me to describe the feelings I felt at that moment, but I could feel something in me break as my hope shattered. Probably because of my distress Ayla didn't jump and hugged our mate although she could have easily done so.
"Mate" he whispered. His voice made me want to throw up. This had to be a bad joke. What had I done to the moon goddess to deserve that?
"Muru, what do we say?" Ayla sounded panicked. I could feel her wanting to say 'this is our mate in front of us, what is wrong with you? Why aren't you happy?' but she didn't and I was grateful for that.
"Give me some time" I finally said and went over to the food. "We'll talk later, Ayla okay?" I told my wolf. She nodded. "Let's just get through the evening, then I will explain everything to you."
The evening went agonizingly slow. As soon as it was socially acceptable we left the party and went back deep into the forest.
I sat down under an old oak and explained everything to Ayla. Now that we couldn't leave the pack, now that we would be the future luna I had to come clean to her completely and so I did. At the end Ayla was crying.
"What are we going to do now? Do you want to reject him?"
I could hear the fear in her voice. Fear of me rejecting her mate.
"No. Can you handle a few months without him?" I asked. She nodded.
"But why?"
"I need a little distance from everything, time to think and therapy so we can make that shit work." I sighed.
"So you are not going to reject him and instead work on our issues so we can be with him?" The hope in her voice killed me and made the broken shards of my hopes and dreams dig deeper into my heart. But how could I ever reject her mate? How could I be willing to hurt her just for something as worthless as myself?
"Yes, I will work on the issues or find some solution that'll work for us." I promised. I could feel her relief.
"Then let's go and do that! The faster the better!"
I nodded and together we made our way back.
"What is this full moon called?" Ayla asked while we were on our way to the clearing. "Winter Moon." I answered. She smiled.
"Another nice name." I hummed in agreement. We were in our wolf form, carrying a big rabbit we had hunted. It was an old tradition long forgotten, but I had read about it. After the first shift on the next full moon bring the alpha fresh caught prey to show the pack that you will be a valuable pack member. I didn't care about that, I wanted to leave the pack anyway, but Ayla wanted to make a good first impression on the other wolves, so here we were, carrying fresh prey
I arrived at the clearing. After shifting behind the trees and putting on some clothes I let Ayla bring the prey to the alpha. She happily told him about the tradition and he just as happily accepted it. I think this was the first time I made a good impression on someone in a very long time. It felt kinda good. I was so lost in thought that I hadn't noticed James approaching us.
"Mate!" Ayla yelled in my head. I turned around and looked at James. It is hard for me to describe the feelings I felt at that moment, but I could feel something in me break as my hope shattered. Probably because of my distress Ayla didn't jump and hugged our mate although she could have easily done so.
"Mate" he whispered. His voice made me want to throw up. This had to be a bad joke. What had I done to the moon goddess to deserve that?
"Muru, what do we say?" Ayla sounded panicked. I could feel her wanting to say 'this is our mate in front of us, what is wrong with you? Why aren't you happy?' but she didn't and I was grateful for that.
"Give me some time" I finally said and went over to the food. "We'll talk later, Ayla okay?" I told my wolf. She nodded. "Let's just get through the evening, then I will explain everything to you."
The evening went agonizingly slow. As soon as it was socially acceptable we left the party and went back deep into the forest.
I sat down under an old oak and explained everything to Ayla. Now that we couldn't leave the pack, now that we would be the future luna I had to come clean to her completely and so I did. At the end Ayla was crying.
"What are we going to do now? Do you want to reject him?"
I could hear the fear in her voice. Fear of me rejecting her mate.
"No. Can you handle a few months without him?" I asked. She nodded.
"But why?"
"I need a little distance from everything, time to think and therapy so we can make that shit work." I sighed.
"So you are not going to reject him and instead work on our issues so we can be with him?" The hope in her voice killed me and made the broken shards of my hopes and dreams dig deeper into my heart. But how could I ever reject her mate? How could I be willing to hurt her just for something as worthless as myself?
"Yes, I will work on the issues or find some solution that'll work for us." I promised. I could feel her relief.
"Then let's go and do that! The faster the better!"
I nodded and together we made our way back.
