Paradise

She's been gone for one day and I already miss her so so much. To think that he will be gone for whole two months! Two months with barely any contact.

How am I going to survive this? I know I agreed to all of this when I signed her damn papers and right now I regret doing so. I wanted her to stay by my side, to never leave it. But maybe one day she will?

Argus and I keep telling us that she needs time. We hurt her badly and we promised her to show that we have changed. We promised her space. But why was it so hard? I could barely sleep at night without her by my side. Just thinking about all these nights to come... . I didn't want this!

I picked up my phone and was about to call her for the fiftieth time, just to put it back down. She didn't even tell me where she went. Just north, that was all she said.

I glanced at my phone. Instagram. We had this, right? I opened the app. Did she notice that I hadn't written her since Ayla was with me? Since she had been with me?

I looked at my messages. She hadn't written to me either. No surprise, as we were together most of the time and if we weren't together Ayla was out with friends. When would she had time to write to me?

I opened our chats, or at last tried to, but she wasn't there. Confused, I looked for her profile but I couldn't find it.

I switched to my official instagram account and looked for her. I couldn't find her either. Did she delete her account?

I somehow couldn't believe it. She was so proud of her work.

Distraught, I made a whole new account and searched for her name. There she was. That could only mean one thing: she had blocked me.

But why? Did she find out? If yes - how?

I brushed through my hair with shaking hands. What now? My secret line of contact had been cut. How do I now make sure she is okay? How did I now know how her day was? How she was doing?

I broke down crying. Our apartment was too big and lonely without her. I didn't know what to do anymore. What could I even do?

I had to admit the time I spent with Ayla was the happiest I had ever been. I had never felt more at peace. But I missed Muru. How would it have been if I would have spent the time with both Muru and Ayla? If I could just turn back time. If I could just stand by her side always. From the beginning. Making sure she would never get bullied in the first place. I had been such an idiot. She used to be my friend.

I started to pack my bag. At last for the time she is gone I will move into the pack house. The silence was killing me.

"Hey James, what are you doing here?" My friends greeted me when I entered the house.

"Muru is on vacation."

"Oooh, were you lonely?" They teased me.

"Yes." I admitted and made eye contact. They didn't expect that and looked at me speechless.

"Well, let's order pizza and watch movies then."

Gratefully I plopped down on the sofa while we argued about which movie to watch.

"By the way, I met Muru a few weeks ago." Mitchell mentioned.

"Oh, and?" I asked.

"Ah, she was at the Café meeting your sister. You were right tho when you showed me the picture. She is now hot af!"

"You told her?" My voice broke when I asked him.

He nodded. "Yeah, was it supposed to be a secret?"

Now that I asked, I never told them to keep that between us. Was that when she found out? But that would mean she only ever showed that picture to my instagram account. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I was hiking through the untouched wilderness of lapland. It was beautiful. Although it was already late April there was still over a metre of snow covering the ground. The small evergreen trees looked like little hunched over men covered in a cloak and hat made of snow. The sun was rolling over the horizon and in the night the auroras were dancing in the sky, inviting me to dance along with them.

I never had experienced such a peaceful and happy feeling. I was content with what I had. I actually felt more at peace here, alone in the wilderness than I ever had around people. Or at last I thought so.

I walked back to the small log cabin I was renting from a friendly reindeer farmer. I had already seen quite a lot of reindeers. I often even went searching for them during my days. The sound their feet produced on the snow was unique and I couldn't get enough of listening to it.

The sun was still up so I sat down in front of the cabin. In front of me was an all white clearing - it was actually a lake, but it was covered underneath ice and snow, making it look like it could as well be a field.

Sometimes I imagined it indeed was a field and in the summer it would be full of flowers swaying in the wind. Wouldn't that be beautiful?

I blinked at the warm evening sun, watching it paint the snow in warm colours, making me fall for this place all over again. Every evening I would sit here, watch the sunset and fall in love with this place again and again. It was like an unspoken promise we renewed every evening.

A lonely smile played around my lips. It is weird how addicting loneliness can become. When the sun vanished behind the horizon I went back inside, made a small fire and sat in front of it, writing into my new bought diary what I had seen today.

I never was one to write diaries, but now I thought, if I could leave something just full of happiness in this world, that would be nice. So I started to write just small little things that made me happy. Like today one of the trees actually lifted its snow hat when I walked past. And I saw a few of the reindeers again. That is what I told my diary. And I told it about the beautiful sunset. Every one of my entries ended with me praising the sunset.

Tonight was a clear night. I woke up Ayla and together, we walked outside again, watching the lights dance over the sky. We joined. Dancing with them from the ground. Disturbing the snow and letting the little flakes be blown around us by the wind, glittering in the moonlight. This is happiness isn't it?

Living. Breathing. Not being afraid or worried when the next pain will come. No one was here to judge me. No one was here to hurt me. I could just be myself and live.

I never knew I could be this happy alone. I never knew such happiness existed. A happiness far away from everyone. It is very addicting. Loneliness is addicting, once you get used to it.

Today was the third new year I got to spent with James and Argus. It's hard to believe that we've already been together for so long!

James and Argus took care of me. They loved me.

I helped James often with pack business. He will be alpha soon and I was the future luna. His parents were teaching us all we needed to know. I was grateful. There was still so much I needed to learn.

I like my life nowadays. At first I had been very scared - of course I didn't show it, as I am a strong independent wolf. But when I am honest, the first time Muru proposed her deal I was terrified. How could a wolf survive without guidance from the human part alone living a normal human life? It's like throwing a toddler human into the forest and hoping that it will survive.

Muru had been great though, through her memories and guidance I learned the basics. James and Jane taught me the rest. Sometimes I was afraid to lose my own identity, my wolf identity but not anymore. I am still a wolf and so much more!

I got up and started to make breakfast. I was a morning person. James would cook dinner later. This was our routine. I made the breakfast, he made the dinner and every evening we would sit together and tell us about our day before we would watch Netflix and chill. ;)

This evening we would celebrate the new year. Usually friends would come over but this year we had decided to celebrate just the two of us. It sounded romantic!

After I made the breakfast I sat down. James was still sleeping. He really wasn't a morning person. I got out my hidden journal and wrote another letter to Muru. I really hoped she would see how much he had changed. I tried to write her letters often, after I noticed different from her promise, whenever I was in control, she would just sleep most of the time. Kind all the time when I was honest.

I reminded her a few times of her promise and she always said she would do better but she never did. So I started to write letters into the journal, hoping she would read them when she was in control, because I was not sure how much of our normal life she saw. She slept more and more.

After explaining in my letter how much I was looking forward to the evening and promised to write tomorrow how it went, I looked out of the window, deep in thought. Although I was annoyed that Muru was barely (not at all) present, mostly people didn't seem to care.

Jane used to sometimes say that she likes me more than Muru. It pained me to hear that. But lately she had been saying it less and less. Muru's family was still always calling me Muru. I think they don't even really see a difference between Muru and I.

I can't blame them. Some parts of our personality are the same while others are the complete opposite. We complete each other, or at last we should. And together with James and Argus we would be completely complete. If that makes sense?

Thinking about it, I opened my calendar. Muru had five months each year, but this year she had only taken two and a half. Why? The agreement said five months each year! Should I complain? I hadn't even noticed, because I had been so happy to stay with James.

"Muru?" I called but she didn't answer. That was another thing that had slowly started to happen and it scared me. Her sleep was getting deeper and deeper. Was I losing her?

Before I could think more about it, James finally had gotten up. Sleepy, he sat next to me and started eating his breakfast.

"Good morning." I greeted him and pecked his cheek. He smiled at me. I melted. His smile was so beautiful. I could look at it for hours!

"Let's get into the car." He said after breakfast.

"And go where?" I asked.

"I rented a small cabinet in the mountains for us to enjoy the new year."

I squealed. It was going to be even more romantic than I had hoped! I kissed him, again and again until he finally pushed me away laughing.

"Go pack your bags!" He said. He didn't need to tell me that twice!

"How long are we going to stay?" I asked while packing.

"Two days." He said.

I had packed my bags in no time. Soon we sat in the car and he drove us out of the town and up the mountain.

"Muru would have loved this." I thought and felt a little bit guilty. As if I was stealing her chance at happiness. Shouldn't she be here as well enjoying the awesome surprise our mate had for us?

We would spend the new year in a cosy mountain cabinet! Just the two of us! I glanced at my backpack. I had packed my journal and Murus' camera.

"Maybe we can take a few pictures?" I asked.

"Sure." James smiled. There was this beautiful smile again! I melted once again. Our mate was perfect! Well mine, it should be Muru's mate as well but till now she had never accepted him.

"What are you thinking about?" James asked. He had noticed my face darkened.

"Just... Muru." I said quietly. Muru was like a forbidden topic between us. We rarely brought it up. Most of the time we danced around it and acted as if it didn't exist. It was the elephant in our room.

"What about her?"

"She gave us more time this year, I am grateful." I said with a smile. James nodded. Would it have turned out different if I would have told him right then?

It was a two and a half hour drive. After the awkward conversation about our elephant we had turned on the radio. I sang along and James joined. We had fun. The cabin was beautiful. The rest of the day was beautiful and the night was amazing.

At midnight we sat outside a blanket wrapped around us and his arms wrapped around me. We watched the fireworks bloom like flowers in the sky from the city underneath us. It was perfect.

The next day we went hiking and I took a lot of pictures. I loved it. I loved him. I was happy.