Forgiven

My life with my mate was better than I had ever imagined. Our new year together was perfect! She was so happy and seeing her smile made my heart skip a beat.

I hated myself in that moment for all the times I made her sad. Just thinking about it, I could have seen her smile for much longer! I had been such an idiot.

Ayla mentioned something on new years. I hadn't noticed it myself, but after she said it I noticed it was true. Muru had just taken over for three months instead of five. Did that mean that she stayed a few months with me without my knowledge? Was she slowly getting ready to forgive me?

The thought alone made my heart beat faster. I love Ayla, with all my heart, but the one I love even more than that is Muru - and I realised that too late.

Ayla is great. She is an amazing mate and the most beautiful and strong wolf I had ever seen, but I knew that Muru would complete me in ways she never could. It was as if Ayla was the mate to my wolf Argus and I was the mate to Muru. The four of us would be completely complete together.

I missed Muru. Her nerdy jokes. The way she could get excited over a H.P. Lovecraft story that she could talk about for hours on how he described something.

I remember one time when we were young she had confessed that she would love to take a picture of the architecture described in his stories, knowing full well that it was impossible.

"Damn I miss you." I muttered. But hey, maybe she was in the process of finally forgiving me! The thought alone made my heart flutter. If she forgave me I could show her how much I had changed. The therapy had helped me a lot - actually us, as my sister later joined.

She also wanted to talk to Muru whenever she was ready and ask for her forgiveness. She actually had told me a few months ago what actually had happened in the forest on that fateful day. It made me feel even more guilty. I had already apologised to Ayla, who had accepted my apology. I even saw her writing it into her journal. She thought she was being sneaky with it and I just couldn't bring myself to expose her.

Ayla could see how hard I was working on myself. How hard I tried to make us work. I would do everything and anything for her. I would never hurt her again. I had my anger under control now. That didn't mean I stopped my sessions. I would go once every month just to be sure. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever were to hurt her again.

I thought back to that day I beat her up. It wasn't the first time I had lost control, but it was the first time ever I lost control in front of her. I had known about my anger issues when it came to my little sister. Why didn't I go to therapy sooner? My parents had tried to get me into therapy several times, but I had always refused. Therapy wouldn't help if you didn't want it so my parents had to give up. I was so stupid back then!

I still remembered vividly what Muru said that day. She didn't hate me. It still stung, now even more than ever. I finally understood what she was trying to tell me. I was not in her heart or her mind. I wasn't worthy of being hated. They say the opposite of love is indifference and just now I understood that it was right.

If she hated me, she would at least feel something towards me. Anything. But if she didn't hate me - then I was nothing to her. I didn't want to be nothing to her. I wanted to be her world. I wanted her to feel safe with me. I wanted her to be happy with me - or even without me. Okay maybe not, but I would try my best. I wanted her to smile like she used to when we were children.

I still remember that smile, I see it often on Ayla. I cannot remember the last time I saw it on Muru. It just vanished over time, fading away, just to never appear again. I wanted it back. More than anything. Would I ever get it back?

"I hope you can forgive me." I whispered, looking down on Ayla in my arms. She stirred in her sleep. "Please forgive me, Muru."

I hoped she heard me. I really did.

Time is cruel. It passes faster the happier you are. Sometimes I wished I could just stop time, but we always wish for the impossible, don't we?

The times Muru had been awake had became even less. It had gone down to less than a month now. I probably should have talked to her sooner. I wanted to talk to her sooner. Hell, I TRIED to talk to her sooner. But how? She was barely awake nowadays! The few times she was awake and I asked, she distracted me with other topics. And like that time just - flew by.

But today was the day. I was already sitting in the train. This time we were traveling south and Muru would soon wake up. She wanted to see the ocean. I wanted to see the ocean, too. I was excited. She had asked me last time to book that trip for her and already to start traveling while she would wake up during the way. I was okay with it. I hated leaving James and Argus. I wanted to go back to them. I wanted to spend time with Muru. I wanted them all.

You can't always get what you want, I guess. Sounds cool right? When I told Argus that while complaining about my unfair situation on having to split time between my mate and my human half he just smiled and answered "but if you try sometime, you'll find, you get what you need." At first I thought he was super wise - until James told me that it was a song by the rolling stones. So much to Argus being wise!

I watched the landscape fly by and imagined a little wolf running along it. Jumping from treetop to treetop. I smiled watching him. Every evening I would shift into a wolf and run around as well. I hoped that the cabin at the ocean we rented would be lonely enough so I could run along the shore at night. In imagined it being magical with the stars sparkling on the waves and the salty ocean breeze on my nose.

"Morning Ayla." I heard Muru's sleepy voice.

"Morning." I answered. I gave her a little time to wake up.

"Where are we?"

"Three more hours until we arrive."

Muru hummed happily.

"We need to talk." I said, determined. This time we would really talk. No distractions! Not this time, nu-uh! This time this would not happen. I had a secret weapon. I had made notes!

"Sure, what is it?" She yawned.

"You are more and more sleepy." I said.

"It is just so comfortable." She smiled. "You are doing so great. How was new years this year?"

"Don't change the topic!" I clutched my notes tighter.

"What is going on?" I demanded to know. "You are not trying to forgive him are you?"

She sighed.

"No." She admitted. "I was thinking about it for a moment, few years ago, but he destroyed my last bit of trust. I don't want to anymore."

"How did he destroy your trust?" I asked.

"At the café years ago. You were supposed to meet Jane..." She began.

"The picture incident." I whispered.

She nodded.

"Sooo, you will never forgive him? Are you just planning to sleep like forever or what?"

I could feel guilt from her.

"Wait, you do? Is that what you mean with you don't want to anymore?" I nearly screamed.

"It's alright." She tried to calm me down but I was having none of it.

"Is this what the spell actually does? Makes you more and more sleepy? I don't want that. You said it was so we can all be together. You said you give him a chance. He has changed you know? He put in so much work for you!"

"Lied..." She admitted quietly.

"What?" I literally screamed.

"I lied to you. It's not a spell, it's a curse."

"Then we break the curse."

"Cannot. Not anymore. Too late now." Her voice was soft and barely audible. I could feel her guilt but also her relief that the cat was finally out of the bag. I could feel she was telling the truth but I didn't want to admit it.

"No! Why would you do this? How could you do this to me? To us? To our mate?" I cried. "You know James has been in therapy for years now. He did it all this for you! And you never even gave him a chance! You are cruel! You are selfish! How can you treat our mate like this?"

"He's not my mate." She answered gently. "It's alright, Ayla. Everything is going to be alright."

"Nothing is alright, Muru. You are dying! It's your life we are talking about!" I growled. How could she just throw her life away like that? Life was precious!

"Everybody dies. It's normal." She shrugged. How could she be so okay with this? Was she not upset? We could have rejected him if that was what she wanted. We could have.... found another solution.

"Why weren't you honest with me? How can you decide this just all by yourself?"

She was quiet for a while.

"Because I don't want to live in a world where our goddess is so cruel. The moment he became my mate I was just done with this life, with this world. Don't you understand Ayla? I am just too tired of people. I have been for a long time."

I sighed. I could feel how defeated she was, how sad. I never felt this before. Had she kept even her feelings hidden from me? It was such a deep sadness I felt like I was stuck in deep dark hole I could never get out of. Even the sunlight outside the window couldn't reach me. It just took a moment before Muru gained back control of herself and the emotions vanished. Was this how she felt all the time?

"What will happen now?" I asked flatly. Tears were burning in my eyes but I refused to let them fall. I was still in shock from the deep emotions I had felt. Feelings she had kept hidden from me for years. She was still hiding. I thought we were a team and shared everything, but she had hidden things from me and lied from the beginning.

"I will fade away. I am already nearly gone. There's nothing you can do anymore."

"Why?" I asked and wiped my eyes. The tears had started to fall if I wanted or not. I was happy the train was nearly empty. How stupid must I looked to people? Sitting in the train and crying for no reason.

"I really just couldn't anymore. I know you hate me now, but when I am gone you will be free. You can do all the things you cannot do with me around. You can finally live your life fully. You can get married, You can have pups. I know you want them. But with me present you could never... "

"But what about us? What about you?" I felt left alone and betrayed. I wished mate was here.

"I got a happy life just as I wanted. I got my little happiness and now I step back so you can have yours."

I sniffled. What she said was true. I wanted babies. She didn't. We had fought about it a few times already, but she was adamant. She couldn't handle the thought of having something that was half him inside her. Technically she could have slept the whole pregnancy, but what then? Leave the child alone for a few months each time? She wasn't sure if she could love the child. She was terrified the child would turn out like her.

She didn't want a child she might not be able to love. She didn't want a child that might experience what she had. "No one deserves to feel unloved." She said that often during our arguments. I could hear the pain in her voice whenever she said that. I knew that is how she felt for most of her life. Unloved. Unwanted. Although she would never admit it, probably not even to herself. Guess I wasn't the only one she lied to.

I knew she sometimes wanted to die. At last earlier,m when she was younger. She had told me. I thought it stopped when she had me. I really did. How could I have been so stupid?!

She had tole me that often the only reason she didn't kill herself was the illusion she kept up, that if she wasn't there to get bullied someone else was. So in that case, her existence was helping someone. She was useful to some imaginary person. Someone who might not even exist. And even if that someone existed, that someone would never know. These thoughts helped her. The illusion of being of use to at least someone.

I never understood how deep that loneliness and sadness in her really were. I never understood her. I never understood. Maybe if I wouldn't have let her stop the therapy back then we still would have had a chance? If... .

"But I don't want to lose you." I cried. All the lies. I hated her. I loved her. I understood her and at he same time I understood nothing. I cried and cried while Muru took over the control.

"It will be alright. The pain will dull over time. Your children will take all your time and you probably might even forget about me most of your time." She tried to console me. I knew she was right. Each of her words pierced my heart like a knife attack nevertheless.

"What about you?" I asked once again, stubbornly.

"Like I said. I had my life. I was happy. I did what I wanted to do. This time I want to see the ocean and my last days I will spend back at the cottage in lapland. After that life will be yours."

"No." I mouthed, but I already knew there was no changing it. In no time we arrived at the ocean. We saw the water. We heard the waves. We smelled the salt. It was all over in the blink of an eye.

Time is cruel.

The past is full of what ifs and regrets, the present just vanishes in the blink of an eye and the future is unknown.