Warmth

I was back in the cottage in lapland. I could feel the end coming. My consciousness was slowly fading away. It made me happy. It made me sad. I had asked Ayla for privacy on my last day and she had granted me that wish. We had spent the lats night together, dancing underneath the ever wavering lights of the nights.

I was a little sad, because I would never see the beautiful scenery in front of me again. Never again hear the sound of reindeer hooves on snow. See the trees putting on their snowcoat in the middle of winter and the auroras would never dance before my eyes ever again.

At the same time I was happy. Excited. The pain I felt every day would pass. I would not feel it anymore. The never ending struggle my life had been would come to an end on my own terms. I made it. It's a weird feeling to describe, but I felt at peace with myself.

I doubt that anybody except Ayla would even notice my passing. Was I sad about this? Yes and no. Yes, because no one cared about me, no, because at last it wouldn't make anyone else sad. No one except Ayla would shed tears for me and that was okay. I was in enough pain all my life, I didn't wish to inflict any more pain on anyone.

I just wanted to leave peacefully. I just wanted the pain my existence was to come to an end.

Ayla had asked me if she should be there for the last of my days. I had declined. Just one last night was all I could give her, willing to give her. Loneliness can really be addicting. The more time had passed the more I enjoyed being by myself. By now I felt the most comfortable when I was all alone. When I am honest, with Ayla around I often felt guilty. I didn't want to feel guilt on my last day.

People scared me. People hurt me. Words hurt me. Eyes hurt me. But here, I was alone. No one would look at me, no one was here. I could just do what I wanted. No one would judge me. No one would say hurtful things. It made me feel at peace.

Was I Happy?

I like to think so, but maybe I forgot what real happiness felt like. For me happiness was to feel at ease. At ease to just be myself without worrying that someone was judging me. Now when I thought about it, maybe all the bullying did more damage to my mind than I wanted to admit. People scared me. Every look, even if it wasn't, I always felt like it was directed at me. Every laughter I thought was about me. It probably wasn't. I guess they broke me down good, without me even noticing.

I wiped away a single tear that had fallen from my eye. Where did it come from? Did it even matter? Soon the pain would end.

It was April and there was still about a metre of snow on the ground. I was sitting in front of the cottage drinking cocoa watching the sunset. The sun was painting the snow in all warm colours. I fell in love with this place once again.

Sitting in the warm evening sun I closed my eyes. Enjoying the warmth. Enjoying the loneliness. The happiness and warmth I found in my loneliness. I was happy.

I was finally at peace. No more struggles. No more lies. No more life. No more me.

I had gotten a frantic phone call from Ayla. I didn't know what had happened but she sounded devastated. I traveled up north to the cabin. Traveling always takes forever when you are in a hurry.

When I finally held Ayla in my arms she was a sobbing mess. "She is gone." Ayla cried. "Who?" I asked and felt as if my heart stopped beating in my chest. I knew the answer. before she said it.

"Muru."

I swallowed.

"What do you mean gone?" I asked. I felt like I was disconnected from reality.

"There is a letter for you." Ayla said pointing at the door of the cabin.

I stepped inside and Ayla followed me. She pointed at her dusty journals.

"She never read a single one of them."

I was devastated.

I read the letter countless times. It was from Muru. To me. She apologies for lying. It broke my heart. From the beginning she had never given me a chance. She had never unblocked me on instagram so all I could do was use my new secret account to look at her pictures. She never watched Ayla and me. She didn't care about all the progress I made. How much I changed.

She had given up. Given up before I had even started. Ayla told me about the picture incident. If I would have had a chance if I had never shown her picture around?

Ayla told me she doubt it. She told me about Muru's try at therapy. It broke my heart to hear that Muru had just given up. That she just... left.

But time went on. Without Muru.

How am I doing now?

Well... I regret. But life went on.

Ayla and I got married a few days ago. I am happy. I am sad. I miss her. I love her. I love them both. I will never have her. She was never mine to begin with. I destroyed that with my own hands and no regret in the world will give her back to me.

She had the biggest heart of all people I know. She vanished so her wolf could be happy because she knew she could never forgive me. I often hate myself. I started going to therapy more often again. Ayla is helping me through it. It is hard. For both of us.

Ayla is going to therapy now as well. We talked about children. We both are not ready yet, but we will have some in the future. I will treat them well. I will not let anyone harass them. I will make sure Muru's tragedy will never happen in my pack again.

I made changes because of that. I even have a therapist that is at school just to pay attention if bullying like we did to Muru happens. Children are cruel, but they don't know better. We need to protect them because the mistakes they make then will carry on to their adult lives and they might come back to haunt them, like they did with me.

I don't want anyone to ever feel like I did when I read that letter. Sometimes I think I deserve it. Sometimes I hate Muru for her decision. Mostly I am just terribly sad.

Except me no one knows about Muru's passing. No one even asked about her. Not even her parents. Her parents just see Ayla and are happy. Ayla doesn't like Muru's parents that much, but for Muru she makes an effort to see them once in a while.

Sometimes I ask Ayla why she still is so nice to Muru's parents. "Because Muru wants it." She always says.

"But why?"

"Muru said her parents tried their best. It is just, they had too many children for them to handle. They are only humans as well. They tried their best. They never hit her and they tried to pay attention to her hobbies, it is just that she is too different from them."

I couldn't understand that. But it was her decision not mine. I did make a note of that too, promising to myself to do better with my own future children. Let's see if I manage. I am only human, too, after all.

Today was one of the sad days. I was looking at all the beautiful pictures Muru had taken throughout her life. Ayla is amazing at taking pictures too. Her account is full of beautiful pictures. But Ayla's camera is always directed at herself. In 90% of Ayla's pictures she is in them. Muru took exactly one picture of herself. All other pictures are directed at what she saw.

Ayla shows herself to the world, Muru showed us the world.

"Are you okay?" Ayla asked. I looked up at her and nodded. She hugged me.

"I love you." She whispered.

"I love you, too."

The End.