Chapter 56
HAYDEN
An irritated look crossed my face as I stared at the called ID
"You sure took enough time " he spoke as soon as I answered
"I had business to handle, you could have picked a better time brother "
"By the way why did you find her back? You've ranted for so long how she isn't good for me so... "
"Because you didn't want to find her anymore ... and it was changing you into a person we all don't recognize "
"And you think she'll be able to help me? That's fucking stupid "
You can always let her go if you're not too keen on having her back "
A pregnant silence followed but I could imagine the mocking expression I knew he had on his face.
"I thought as much. "
A low sound escaped my throat at his words, he shouldn't sound so confident that he did the right thing. She might just end up destroying me instead of fixing me... Not that I believe I can be fixed anyway. I'm too far damaged for that.
"Since you seem to know about everything then did you also know you have a five-year-old niece? "
Another long silence followed, it
"What did you say? "
The shock in his voice told me that he didn't know that..... well until now.
"I thought as much " I repeated
We discussed for a while, which was the longest we've ever done in years, it couldn't have been more than ten minutes though because I was impatient to return to her...
There was a job, but that would have to wait for now. I ended the call and made my way back to the living room, only that she wasn't there. Neither was Hazel
I found her in the bedroom, she stood facing the window, her back faced to me, as if sensing my presence she turned around to face me...
One glance at her told me something was terribly wrong.
Her eyes were red and swollen like she'd been crying ....maybe for the past ten minutes.
"Gracie ?" I couldn't control the way my body tensed in alarm as I scanned my gaze around for what could be the cause.
After another glance at her expression, I found the quick answer to my question.
It was me.
She was in this state because of me.
I walked in hasty steps to complete the distance between us.
"What happened? " I spoke softly this time.
Her gaze looked distant even though she was staring at me.
"It's nothing, it doesn't matter what I want anyway does it? " as she spoke, a low bitter laugh escaped her mouth
My heart clenched tightly at the bitterness and sadness in her tone.
"Tell me..... please"
She tilted her gaze to look at me then as if observing me for the very first time.
"I don't want to Hayden, don't do it please " there was a strong plea in her voice even though it sounded firm.
I stared at her confused for a moment, I searched her gaze wondering what she was referring to.
I was slightly taken aback when she made a tight sudden grip on my arm.
"Please don't force me. I really don't want to...if what you meant earlier is to marry you I really don't want to "
"Gracie.... "
She closed her eyes briefly before a silvery glassy stare found mine again.
"let me speak, after I say these words you might really hurt me.. for real, allow me to say them while I still have the courage "
Hurt washed over me like a bucket of ice ....the full conviction written on her face... that I was really going to hurt her.
"I'm merely human Hayden, if you continue to treat me like this I'll be hurt. Then I'll cry..because I'm not strong enough to fight you. " she paused briefly to inhale deeply before her gaze found mine once again.
"You don't love me....that's okay, I don't ask for your love, I'm not sure I'll be able to bear the burden of it, but you also don't care about me..."
"I do fucking care about you! " the low growl escaped my throat before I could stop it.
A deeply pained expression flashed across her face and I felt a painful pang in my heart which mirrored the bitterness I saw on her face.
"Then why don't I see it, Hayden? Sometimes I really think you care about me, you even got shot to save my life back then...but other times? other times you simply don't care...if I'm happy... If I'm sad...but I'm not an object, I do have feelings too... "
"I also want to be happy too. .. I really want to be happy but even you can't give me that, it's just like a faraway dream, one I'll probably never see the day it comes to a reality .... "
Fresh tears escaped her eyes and she wiped them furiously ...but I didn't see hate in her gaze as she stared up at me, I only saw deep weariness, like a person who had fought a lost battle for too long.
"You really are a very selfish person, you want me, what about what I want? does it really not matter...even the least bit, that isn't enough and it won't be! " Her voice cracked as she wiped her eyes with a quick swipe of her sleeves.
A long silence followed, my heartfelt so heavy... filled with so many words I wanted to say, but it came out empty.
"I'm sorry"
I couldn't find another word to say, she was having a mental breakdown but I couldn't make out any other words to say.
She was right...
I really am a selfish bastard...
Because she seemed to draw out every naked emotion inside of me, exposing them raw.
The best of them... And the worse.
I couldn't control the way I feel making it all go wrong.
Just like an addiction.
A fatal one that wouldn't stop until it ruined us both.
I closed my eyes because I couldn't look into her eyes, the raw emotions I saw there tore at my heart, threatening to rip it off my chest.
"I really want to care. really want so much... So much that I can't give and .... but I don't know how to do all that...I really don't"
I stiffened when I felt arms wrapped around my mid-level tightly.
I inhaled and exhaled continuously feeling nothing but confusion.
Why was she doing this?
I couldn't give her anything, I deserved all her hate, even though the thought of her hating me made me feel so cold and empty.
"Then I'll help you... allow me to help you, Hayden. I can teach you how to feel then ..help us" she murmured
I tensed even more when she pressed her lips softly on one of my shoulders.
"Why are you doing this? " I croaked out in a rough voice I didn't recognize to be mine.
"I know you won't let me go..... how about I try to be happy. We'll both get what we want right? "
I learned to touch my forehead with hers, caressing her nape with my fingertips softly.
"What if that isn't what I want and all I've ever wanted was you're all of you... I mean everything ... for you to need me as badly as I need you, for me not to have to force you to stay... That what I deeply crave the most is your love, will you give that to me then? ....we'll both get what we want, will you still help me then? " I couldn't suppress the turbulent emotions growing deep inside of me even as I felt her whole body tensed against me.
I
