Chapter 57
GRACIE
"What if that isn't what I want and all I've ever wanted was you're all of you, for you to need me as just as badly as I need you, for me not to have to force you to stay with me, that I deeply crave the most is your love, will you give that to me then? ....we'll both get what we want, will you still help me then? "
I stiffened a bit at the dark burning look in his gaze.
There were so dark, you could barely see any part of the iris left. It was raw with need...desperation and..... fear?
We were both alike...
As much as he damaged me I still need him, maybe somewhere in the line I got addicted to him as well, but a deep innermost part of me was dark with fear, that his dark side would scald us both..... Maybe not intentionally, but still...
But I already came this far, there was no turning point for me, I could only delve deeper and deeper and see where it leads.
I lifted a palm to cup his chin
"I'll give you what you want, I will...I'll love you Hayden "
His gaze smoldered with.......in pain
"Don't do that !" he hissed gripping my shoulders firmly.
"There's nothing else I can do... all the pain.. the hate is gone, the only thing left to give is love, that's why I'm going to need you... Love you"
A strangled sound escaped his throat, his breath coming out in harsh pants and for the first time after that night at the hospital six years ago.
And slowly drops down his chin
"Why do you do this, I don't. I don't know, I'm afraid of hurting you.....I don't want you to hate me but I just can't control my emotions when it comes to you!. " The rough strain in his ragged spoken words mirrored the insecurities and I saw in his searching gaze.
Amidst tears I found my lips tugging upwards in the tiniest bit of a smile.
"You won't do that... I still see hope, you won't hurt me, I see that look in your eyes whenever you look like our daughter... I know you can still feel something.....we can do this "
I stood on tiptoe to brush my lips against the corners of his chin... tasting his salty tears, I lingered for a moment shutting my eyes tightly close as I inhaled deeply his familiar musky scent.
His arms wounded tightly around me until it was difficult to draw in a breath. But I needed this closeness....his familiar masculinity....the feel of his arms around me as we both let our emotions take over... It was like a strong wave of air to my burning lungs.
"Thank you " His voice came out so faint that I almost couldn't make it out.
He was my darkness but only inside of him, I could still see a glimpse of light. I felt like I was floating in a sea of clouds, perhaps this was what it meant to be free.
All those pent-up emotions suppressed for so many years finally let loose.
*
*
HAYDEN
I don't know for how long I stayed inside the room, I couldn't go out, I don't think I was ready to face her yet again.
I stared at the orange sunset from the huge glass window as the day slowly turned into night.
I don't think I've ever been this nervous in my whole life, not even the time I had my first kill.
Why does she have to be so different from everything and everyone I've ever known, her kindness and willingness to move on was what everyone took advantage of it... And I was chiefly included.
I observed them both for a while before averting my gaze, it was somehow unbearable to watch at the obvious fact that they would have been so happy without my existence.
Hazel would always have a loving mother and Gracie? She would be carefree without any dark spot smearing her life.
Where do I begin?
She gave me a chance, willing to give me all that I so craved, she'd only asked to allow her a little freedom and a chance to be happy, the nervousness returned eating its way slowly through every part of me. what if I screwed everything up and disappointed her?
It wasn't that her happiness hadn't mattered to me before but I had always managed to suppress it each time, but today... I couldn't push it past, I didn't want to brush whatever she wants aside anymore.
I want to give it all to her.
I felt a slight tug on my trousers, staring down only to realize Hazel had been talking to me while I was lost in thoughts. I looked around but didn't find Gracie anywhere in sight.
I scooted down to her level as she spoke excitedly.
I and Gracie were already connected in the strongest and deepest of ways.
The bond of a child.
How did I being so fucked up ever managed to have produced life so beautiful?
She was the most precious thing I've ever had a hand in.
"Uncle Hayden can we go have ice cream, mom said we can't go because you are really busy"
She probably had said that to her because she thought I would have refused.
With the way I feel right now I don't think I could actually deny her.......the both of them anything.
"Well I'm not busy anymore, so we can.... "
"Really? Then we can go? " she cuts in with a hopeful glint dancing in her gaze.
I couldn't hold back a chuckle at her excitement.
Was she always this alive at the slightest things?
I extended my palms and she hastily slides her much smaller ones into mine.
"Let's go tell your mom, shall we? "
At her eager nod, we ventured out of the room, halfway we bumped into Gracie,... There was it again, the tightness returned to my chest as her gaze wandered from Hazel to me.
"She wanted to play and get some ice cream, I would like it if you could join us...will you? "
Shit!
Why was I feeling nervous, I didn't even take a breath as I awaited her response.
A small smile curved on her lips which slowly blossomed into a full smile, I saw something.......almost like relief pass through her gaze
"I would like that, up I'll just hurry up and um...change my clothes "
My gaze followed her until she disappeared into the room.
****
