Chapter 58
GRACIE
He wouldn't leave his room, but I noticed the frequent glances he threw in our direction from the bedroom window. So I sent Hazel to him, I knew he would listen to her.
And he did...
Going out for some air would refresh all of our minds a bit, not to mention that it would also make Hazel happy.
When we returned it was already quite dark, I would say everything went fine even though he had barely spoken no more than two words to me, it felt as though he was avoiding me.
Hazel's eyes were already drooping closed when the car drove to a stop. We entered the house and I quickly ran her a bath and tucked her in bed.
Sometime later I noticed his presence behind me
"She's asleep " I whispered
He nodded slowly and took a seat beside the bed, his hand brushing over mine, I looked up wondering if it had been intentional, wordlessly we watched Hazel sleep for a while. I sat rooted to my spot, after a while he walked straight out of the door, probably to his room after kissing Hazel goodnight. he had paused for a moment, giving me a look that told me he wanted to reach out for me but decided against it at the last moment.
A sigh escaped my mouth when he totally disappeared from view.
It wasn't going to be easy for the both of us, everything couldn't just be erased in just one day, I bet he was fighting an internal battle with himself just like I was. we both needed some time, so I decided to leave him alone and lay down beside Hazel on the double bed.
I closed my eyes as I slowly drifted into a dreamless slumber.
*
*
The next morning I searched all over for him, I finally found him in the gym, I don't think he realized my presence as he kept delivering hard punches to the bag.
The upper part of his body was completely bare, his wet hair tossed over his forehead, I stood in the doorway watching him for a while.
He delivered one final punch and went to a stand to grab a towel to wipe his glistening body.
He turned around and for the first time I got a full view of his face, if he was surprised to see me he didn't show it, it made me think that he'd been aware of my presence all the while but had just decided to ignore me.
I approached further into the room
"Hayde..." I had barely started when he cuts in
"Do you need something? "
"No, but.... "
"Then I'm leaving " he made his way past me and just reached the door when I called out.
"You said you would try for us then why are you avoiding me? "
He paused midway, I took it as an opportunity to stand in front of his path...
"What makes you think I'm avoiding you? "
"It's obvious, even this moment you are running away "
His gaze flickered like he was struggling with himself.
"Because I don't want to hurt you dammit! You really don't understand? " He clenched out.
"And you think you won't hurt me if you ignore me? "
"I don't know " he whispered, I read the confusion in his distant gaze like he wasn't sure of what he was doing himself. I inhaled deeply and took a step closer.
"But I don't want you to avoid me, you already promised you won't hurt me and I believe you"
His gaze snapped to mine, his gaze searching, probably to find if my words were true.
He exhaled aloud as he closed his eyes before flickering them open once again.
"Don't " he croaked out, then made a grip on my arm his gaze urging and pleading...
"I don't even trust myself...your trust makes me feel....."
"Afraid? " I completed, I knew because I was afraid too, afraid of the way I was completely giving myself to him, afraid to allow myself to love him, instead I cupped his chin gently bringing his gaze back to mine.
"Then It's good... It shows that you're willing to try not to, I'm also afraid, but I'm willing to trust you... "
My gaze focused on his bare chest, He added more tattoos over the years but my gaze still found the faint scar on the left side of his chest.
"It must have hurt a lot " I murmured slowly reaching the tip of my finger to trace the scar, he flinched a little but didn't move away.
"It doesn't hurt anymore. "
I looked up to find his gaze on me, the nerve in his jaws ticked twice as his hands reached to enclose mine.
"Me living without you was like death ...every day was so hard," he murmured under his breath.
"But then I decided not to find you anymore, I really wanted to let you go, it was so hard to let go... but I knew you were better off without me "
I was surprised at his confession, He had decided not to search for me, no wonder it took six complete years.
I didn't interrupt so he continued
"I knew if I find you I knew I was going to hurt you..... and .....I didn't want to do that.But Sebastian took it upon himself to bring you back to me..... and I'm glad he did, but I knew you hated me and would never return to me... So I kidnapped our daughter, in her innocence she trusted me, but I took advantage of it... Do you see why you can't trust me? You can't! "
A lump clogged up my throat at the hopeless deserted look in his gaze.
"But you did not hurt her Hayden, I think you even love her, you are still capable of loving, you were so perfect yesterday, I know Hazel adores you already "
"Perfect? No baby... I'm far from that can't you see?.... I couldn't give you anything ."
"You are willing to try... That alone makes me happy...besides you gave me Hazel remember? And she's much worth than anything else in the world "
His gaze flickered over mine. He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. His gaze smoldered with need as he backs me against the wall.
His arms supported me as he Kissed the corners of my jaws, burying his face to nuzzle on my throat.
"Don't leave me " he whispered inhaling sharply, his gaze found mine once again, my throat was so tight, I couldn't make out any words.
Instead, I Kissed the faint scar on his chest, allowing my lips to linger there, a raw vibratory sound escaped his throat as his fingers caressed my back and came to settle on my stomach.
"You had my baby... Carried her here, if anyone deserves to be called perfect then it's you."
I closed my eyes briefly as he enfolded me In a tight embrace.
I wasn't perfect in any way.
Only in his gaze, he saw it that way.
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