Chapter 29 Nine

Songs for this chapter are:

Still - Lecrae ft DaniLeigh

Wheels Up - Lecrae ft Marc E. Bassy

Saturday Night - Lecrae ft Jozzy

The beginning - Asa

OK OK - Asa

Nice Things - Wande, Taylor Hill

Sunday Morning - Lecrae ft Kirk Franklin

This chapter is dedicated to an amazing reader of mine Robiatyetunde6 she's been more than a reader of my books but a little sister to me as well. Love you to bits girl.

**

Life I know is not orchestrated to be a bed of roses or an endless series of joy, the longevity of life, success, and desired results. We fail, we die even before our time, we lose people dear to us, we cry and we some times get results that are way below our expectations and the number of efforts we put into it.

But by these occurrences do we learn and grow and scale through the maelstrom of life. If no one ever dies, we can never realize the worth of being alive. If we don't fail sometimes or get results that are way below our expectations, then we would never get to appreciate the value of process, growth and taking steps that lead to those results and if we don't cry or feel sad and downcast sometimes, we can never appreciate the true value of mirth.

Everything about life in itself is going to be empty and worthless.

I have always known that life is not a bed of roses. Animals themselves battle to stay alive every single day, how much more we as humans? My siblings are the perfect exemplar of the fact that life is anything but smooth.

My elder sister, Yemisi who is the firstborn of the family has had her share of ill-luck with in-laws especially with the first husband she was married to. Shortly after his demise, she suffered a great deal in the hands of her in-laws. They had the temerity to accuse her of his death and seized all of his properties that were in her possession but later on, she found love again and even though the love almost came crashing down due to a stupid betrothal that nearly got in the way, she and her second husband conquered all of their ordeals because life decided that she had had enough with hardships and Ill luck.

Even my brother, David who was so mentally deranged that he had to spend almost five years in the psychiatric hospital as a schizophrenic simply because he would not stop blaming himself for the death of one of my sisters when he wasn't even the one who murdered her still got healed. We all thought he was going to die in the hospital because it got so out of hand but he's alive now and is doing amazingly well like he was never for once insane.

My sister, Demi whose entire life crashed; she lost every single thing she ever would for. She had nearly when lost her child to the lassoes of bone cancer until she met with Jesus and he saved her life. Even though I do not really believe in Jesus and his cohorts, I could not deny that the heavens and its forces were on my sister's side. She was really lucky and somehow I couldn't dispute the fact that she deserved the liberation she got.

When I tried Jesus and even Allah for myself, the pain I felt never left. That was when I knew that it was my forte to be miserable and I wondered why my life was designed to be like that.

Even my brother, Alexander who suffered the implications of a terrible curse that my stupid mother had placed on his wife eventually still got to live a good life.

And my younger sister? She was raped by six hormonal beasts called men in just one day but right now, she is doing reasonably great with her career and her life as a whole so...

Why the hell was I so much of an exception? Why am I so hopeless?

Yes, my mum had the major part to play in the wreck that is my life but couldn't life have mercy on me for a second just like it did on my siblings?

Actually, life was merciful with you. Mustafa came into your life to make it better you messed it up, flipped it into a burnt toast, and sent him running out of your life. You messed every single thing up, you heartless, obnoxious bimbo!

Yes! Damn! I messed it up! I messed my life up and now I am thirty-three years old with absolutely nothing to account for it. I made a mess of my life and I should be responsible for the actions I made and I know I shouldn't be blaming anyone.

Mustafa did nothing to deserve the mockery I made of him and I feel exceedingly foolish for making him suffer as I did. Simply because life did me hard, I decided to return damage with damage by being the worst version I could ever be of myself to someone else when I really could have just tried to do my best to heal by doing things stemming from the good still left in me but why did I act so villainous? What did I do all of that for? Why did I ever treat him like that? All because I wanted to get the better part of life that I thought was still left for me but where I earth has that gotten me right now?

I have as many villas as I can perhaps remember but right now, I am relatively a hopeless nomad simply because I can not dare to pass the night in any of those villas without the truth haunting me for every second of my slumber.

The fact that I practically stole someone's money to acquire all of those mansions. Mustafa's money.

It only became understandable at the moment that all of the material things I endeavored to acquire was vanity.

The Vainest of all Vanities.

Because of what use were they to me right now? What was I doing half-naked in a strange, mysterious beach, sitting on the waterfront and staring hopelessly into the dull, colorless sky when I had so many villas across the country? Why was my face swollen and red with all of my tears and physical injuries I had purposely inflicted upon my skin when I could have just ordered for home service skincare treatment? Why did I feel so stranded and lost when I could travel to the very ends of the world without having to acquire a passport? Why was I a famous businesswoman, why did it faze me when people walked up to me to know more about my success story when currently, none of those people were here with me to comfort me and tell me there was no need to feel dejected?

None of those things could fix the misery I was currently plummeting in. The pillars I tried to build for myself had come crashing down under the dictates of my inescapable misfortune. In the presence of so many estates and villas, the shelter from someone I could have loved or been with was painfully absent. In the presence of riches, the means of making use of it to make me feel better was absent simply because misery was my lot.

Where do I go and who should I live for? My children? I'm a big disappointment to those innocent infants and I'm definitely the worst person they can ever wish for as a mother. What would I tell them when they are grown-up if they ask for their father? That they are not of the same father? Or worse still, I was married to one father for my selfish purpose and I was dangerously attached to the other one who was my captor? How would they ever deal with that?

I didn't even care to be happy any longer. I didn't want to pursue anything. It was exhausting to do so because I had nothing more to inherit from life. Or maybe, I could at least inherit the last benefiting thing from life – a transition from life into the cessation of life.

Extinction.

Yes, that's what I-

The irritating cuckoo sound of my phone ringing pulls me rudely out of the realm of thoughts that were just about to transform into actions, making me wonder why I still have this stupid mobile device with me and why exactly I haven't tossed it away into the sea. I see an unknown number on the screen but I go on to pick the call for reasons unknown to me.

"What is it? Who the hell am I speaking with?"

"It's me, Cassandra, " Her shaky, morose voice comes to my hearing.

"And why are you contacting me? I thought I warned you not to call me or talk to me ever again."

"P-pl-please forgive me, my Sandra. Please forgive me for everything. I beg you. It's been years filled with pain for me knowing that you hate me with a passion."

She dared to call me, "my Sandra" The bravery!

"And I still do. I hate you. Vastly so as a matter of fact and you have no idea how many years I equally had to suffer or even more just because of you and your actions. If it wasn't for you, I would never have met Dan, and my life would not have been so chaotic like it is now. I can't stand you. I can't forgive you. I can't be around you without looking at you as the cause of all my problems including this annoying sickness I have, " Tears laced in my eyes as I regrettably watched the sea kiss the waterfront.

"Dan? The guy who used to drop flowers for you? And what sickness is that?"

"How would you ever know about my sickness? You don't even need to know about it. Dan's Dad was the loan shark you borrowed money from and guess what the bastard did all thanks to you? He asked his father to abduct me for his own benefit. I suffered when I was undeserving of it! Just look at that!"

"So...he was the one?!" she gasped, choosing not to question my sickness any longer because she knew better than to do so.

"No, it was you. It was no one else but you and I don't care if you paid the money back because if you had never done something that terrible in the first place, Dan and I would never have crossed paths. I would have never been held captive but he made use of what seemed to be a perfect opportunity for him simply because you made it handy. Besides, how did you know that he used to drop flowers for me? I never told you about it. I don't think you know him either."

"I-I have met with him a couple of times and I thought he loved you very much so I kept letting him bring the flowers whenever he came by the house. You were always out of the house. I knew that most times you were always getting industrious just so you could avoid me for as long as you could but I hoped you would come home to see the flowers. I just wanted you to be happy because I was so worried for you and it ate me up gravely knowing that I couldn't dare to care for you myself."

"So, you were the one who let him drop those flowers without even getting to know him properly. Oh God! What exactly is your problem? Why are you always trying to sell me off to people? So you thought that by allowing a strange guy drop flowers at the house, it was going to make me feel happy? You always make things ten times worse for me just because of your inability to think. Always. Do you know the kind of havoc those flowers alone caused me? Do you know how much of my life those flowers took away? Do you even know how much of a bad mother that you are?"

"I-I'm sorry, Sandra. Please, forgive me. I've missed you for—"

"I am not forgiving you. That is never going to happen. Forget that I was ever your daughter. Erase all of the beautiful memories you have in your head of me up until I turned nine years old. Throw it all away because I am going to do just that. Actually, I already did that a long time ago."

With that, I raise my phone high up above my head, not bothering to disconnect the call and I tossed it deep into the ocean, the effect of the phone sloshing into the salty waters, certainly insignificant to the mighty oceanic body.

I got up from the floor, dusting the particles of sand off my shorts as I walk right into the ocean, into oblivion. I wished I never turned nine years old. If only I had died a day before my ninth birthday or if only I had inherited my Dad's genotype, I certainly would have died before I even turned five years old. I would have writhed in excruciating pain but I would have been in the bosom high above the earth, resting and oblivious.

But I have been a quintessence of waste. I lived this far for nothing but prolonged episodes of trauma, seasons of affliction, and panoramas of terror.

Now, I shall walk till the waters sway my feet away, until feet sink away into the deepest abyss of unmeasurable liquid, until the liquid fills my nostrils, blocking every part of my body that takes in the air until air ceases from my very existence and until my existence becomes just like my father's.

Daddy, I'm coming...

**

Psalms 55:12-14 - "For it is not an enemy who reproaches me; then I could bear it. Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me; Then I could hide from him. But it was you, a man my equal, my companion and my acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked to the house of God in the throng