Chapter 30 Sisterly Love at Seas

Songs for this chapter are:

Self Discovery - Lecrae

Deep End - Lecrae

Nothing left to hide - Lecrae ft Gwen Bunn

Who needs love? - Tory Lanez

One week later

Being alive right now when I could have just let the ocean consume me a week ago made no significant difference. It only vexed me to see that I was still alive one week later. If it hadn't been for my sister, Yemisi who tracked my location by ways known to her, I really would have left this world to join my Dad a week ago.

"Sandy! What do you think you are doing?" immediately I heard her call me Sandy, I knew it was her because she was the only one who called me that.

Sadly, I had barely gotten to walk farther enough into the ocean for it to be able to drown me to my death when she called on my name and I wanted to ignore her.

I really wanted to.

I wanted to keep walking into that water, letting that incoming waves consume me but for some reason, I could not. I just could not try to take my life away any longer especially when my sister was already there, watching me. The sorrow underlying in her voice alone had caged my willingness to become extinct. When I felt like I was already sure that nothing else was going to stop me from the decision I already made, her voice broke that willpower of mine.

Maybe, it was because I knew she always rooted for me no matter what, or maybe it was because of all the sacrifices she made for my sake when I was much younger just so I could be a great person in life. I could not forget the years when life struck me hard and I could no longer stay at home. All of the work I had occupied myself with couldn't even liberate me.

She had accommodated me and let me live with her family in her house without asking me why I wanted to when I simply could have just stayed at home with my mother.

She was a marvelous sister to me and that was exactly the more reason why I should have killed myself because I disappointed her and all of my lovely siblings. Gravely so as a matter of fact.

I could remember the years of my life when I was fortunate enough to get counsel from people but it was no one's fault but mine that I was no longer getting counsel from anyone because the last time I got counseled, it was my sister, Demi who was telling me the plain truth about how I was really messed up by keeping secret contact with my ex-lover when I was dating Mustafa but I discarded her advice like filth and made my actions seem justifiable.

And what became of my life afterward? What would it be like for my siblings to learn that, at thirty-three years of age, my marriage was an extreme failure simply because I was stuck on my captor? How would they take it if they learned that my children were not of the same father? How disgraceful it would it be to then to see how badly I had tarnished the image of my family all because of my promiscuity?

I knew I needed to end my life but I could not. Well at least, without saying goodbye to her.

I stood still, letting the waves of the sea crash in and between my feet, completely unable to move till I felt her arm on mine, pulling me away from the sea until I felt my feet on the waterfront again as she pulled me out of the water.

In no time, her hands were roaming all over my wet, swollen face as she took in ragged, sharp breaths. I could feel her hot breath fan across my face wiping out the mighty, cool sea breeze in a fury.

"W-were you really going to drown yourself If I didn't appear?" her eyes were red in an instant, laced with tears, each iris darting from end to the other, as she examined my face. "A-and your face. Why is it so swollen? What is all this, Sandy? Why would you ever want to kill yourself? Did you think of Alex and David? Or me? Or even Ebun who is so close to you?"

"Trust me, if you know how much I have failed you all, you will let go of me this instant, " I said, almost whispering and even surprised by the fact that I could still utter something.

"That, I would never ever do. Let's go to my house right now. I know about everything that happened between you and Mustafa and I am insisting that you follow me so I can look after you?"

"Where is he? Did you meet with him and he spoke to you about getting a divorce right? I'm sure he did. If you want me to follow you, then take me straight to him so I can sign the divorce papers. He shouldn't be glued to a woman like me."

"Actually, he's waiting at my house right now so you two can sign the papers. He's been coming consistently like that for days now so he can get it over with but you have been absent and he told me you weren't at the house or else, he obviously would have brought you along with him to sign the papers. He told me you were with Dan but Dan was not the best person to ask about your whereabouts since I have locked up somewhere temporarily but when I spoke with him, he said nothing useful and only uttered his rubbish about not wanting to ever let you go since you both have a child together which made me want to kill him but tell me Cassie, did mum really sell you into slavery?"

Her voice was raspier than ever as her fingers fidgeted, losing its stance as it was clasped over my shoulders. I swallowed.

"Yes, she did but it is a voluminous story that I no longer feel like sharing because when I wanted to share it, none of you believed me because mum was everyone's hero. Also, I messed up severely and that is true and that's exactly why I want to sign the divorce papers so I can die a peaceful death."

"You aren't going to die, Sandy."

"How did you even find me?" I asked, ignoring her statement.

"I-I had to find you the way I could but more essentially, mum was in the car with me when she called you a couple of minutes ago. I gave her one of my unused phones which explains why the number was unknown. She insisted that I let her use that particular device to talk to you and I watched her apologize to you while your voice was on speaker and so I heard every single thing. I was really mad at her and I yelled at her for being so bad to you. It didn't even occur to me to call you first when I found out that you were absent but I'm grateful she called you because I never would have known the truth, " Tears slipped down her cheek.

"So, she came here with you?" I nearly had to yell since the cool sea breeze was starting to overpower my vocals making the wheezing sound come first before my words.

"No, she didn't. I got into a serious fight with wit her but when I heard your voice on the phone, I could hear the sea so I knew you were at the beach. I just had to find out what beach it was but none of that matters right now, " she sniffed. "I'm sorry for not believing you for all these years, Sandy. We all didn't believe you. We never saw through the pain you were feeling and the trauma that you had to deal with. I know how irritated you must have felt to be surrounded by people who did not believe you and even worse, trying to stay under the same good with a woman who is supposed to be your mother but saw you as a commodity yet we were still trying to make you love her. If we had believed you and truly understood your pain, you would have not gone astray and all of these would not have happened. I'm so sorry, Sandy."

"Please, stop being sorry. This is all my fault."

"No, my little sister. You made so many mistakes, had so many misconceptions about life that we could have helped you clarify if only we were there to guide you and be there for you. I only want to help you and Mustafa get divorced because it is fated. He is hurt by everything you did and I have to understand where he is coming from but that does not mean I will push you away because I'm not happy with you. It doesn't make you any less of my sister. You still are I don't want to lose you."

"How about the mess I have created? I am still stuck in between two men with children belonging to both of them. I know I can no longer be with Mustafa even though I wish I can go back in time to rectify all of my wrongdoings or to prevent them ever happening and I know Mustafa doesn't mind fathering the children that being to him but its a crazy thing to deal with especially for the fact that Dan is not willing to let go of me either and you said he is locked up for the time being which means he would still come for me sooner or later and make my life a hellhole as he did in the past. Isn't that a big problem for myself and for you? Shouldn't you be scolding me for everything?"

"Yes, I really should but I won't because the deed has been done. All I can do now is to do all that is left to do to make things right and that is to make you my focus; to protect you, to be there for you now that I know the entire truth and to look for a way to make Dan suffer excruciatingly till he dies. About your children, you can always keep them in my custody and you know that."

"Yes I know but—"

"It's okay, Sandy. All you need right now is to be loved. To be loved genuinely as you've never been loved before and to be protected without feeling like you are in captivity of any sort.

Dan exploited you and took control of you, sneakily making it look like he was the safest home you could ever run into whenever you felt unsafe and unloved and even though you could have made the choice to break free from his snares, we are sometimes so entrapped in the shackles of slavery and captivity that even running away from it feels wrong and it is understandable that you were not able to break free, because while grown-up, you were never surrounded with much love that you could bask in.

Dad who was the only true exemplar of love died early so you felt Dan was the only one who loved and understood you and it made you stuck on him that even when true love came your way, you weren't able to detect it and even if you could, the first and only love you received from him held you dangerously captive. I understand your trauma, Sandy and I'm here to love you the way I should have since all these years. We all know and understand so you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. So please you don't have to run far away. Please come home with me, Sandy."

With that, she pulled me closer and wrapped me in her arms, as we both wept and not even the wind emanating from the sea was able to overshadow the sorrow in our tears. It was as though the wind had even stilled for a moment.

I followed her to her home and truly, I saw Mustafa waiting for me in the living room with a really empty expression on his face. I couldn't read into it but eventually, we both signed the divorce papers.

But before he left, he said a few words to me.

"For the sake of our children, please become a good person. If you don't, you would become a total danger to everyone and to yourself and just for the sake of the next man who comes into your life, please become a better person. You made me your scapegoat and you thought you swindled me but you didn't. It is only going to backfire on you and you would but terribly by it."

His words seared my soul like fire and at the same time, made me think for a moment that I still had the chance to love. Who the hell was going to marry me? I was already a danger and the last thing I wanted to do with all that's left with my life was to be there for my children because they were the only ones I could live for if I wanted to live at all.

But medically, the odds are not in my favor.

Yes, my olfactory hallucinations had been renovated into a terminal disease comprising of damage done to my lungs in the long run. I'd gotten to learn that when I visited the doctor a few days ago in a pursuit to take my own life so whether I made the resolve to live or not, I was going to die anyway and it was going to happen soon.

Has my life been worth it? The struggle, the defense mechanisms I built up to keep myself going, the love I tried to develop. Was it all worth it?

What is going to happen to my children after I cease to exist? What if Dan finds a way out of prison and claims the three of them?

Looking at my first set of children, Ahmed and Youssef, I knew they had been good children to me in as much as I'd been a bad mother to them and I could deny it. They never gave much trouble irrespective of the fact that they were boys. As little as they were, they could comprehend the minuscule emotions I made visible to them which were mostly unintentional. If they felt I was sad, they would never approach me to bug me with their needs. They either went to bed, went to the game center to play football, or followed their dad to the mosque if it was time for prayers.

And my only daughter, Farida. She was fierce like her father, Dan. In as much as it hurt me severely to absorb the fact, I knew she took after him but she was a ball of encouragement and strong will. Telling by the energy she used to do things that a child would, I knew she was going to grow up to be a woman of will and purpose, unlike her father who wasted his life even when he had the opportunity to make it meaningful. In as much as I wished to hate her, I was happy to have her as my daughter.

But these were the children I birthed for monetary purposes and not for the joy of being a mother and now that I began to realize how much of a blessing they would have been to them if I had loved them, it hit me that they would be motherless in due time and would live the rest of their lives, questioning who their parents were. These children are amazing and I should have lived for them.

Now, it's way too late.

Starting aimlessly through the window of my sister's room as my kids snore peacefully on the bed, I wondered if I could prolong on my days on earth even though I'd sought to end it only a few days ago. I could see the sun setting on the road as the vehicles passed by but as the city was bathed with the orange colors from up above, and with smoke rising out from a tall building afar off, it felt like I'd just seen an omen.

A bad omen signifying turbulent days ahead comprising of blood, sweat, and tears. Unlike other evenings when the sunset making me feel at least a tinge of hope for my life, it felt different this time.

I knew my life wasn't going to be better and there was no escaping it, I was going to die.

Even in my last days, I have been the captive in every ramification of my life; stranded in the emptiness of the fight for freedom. Whenever I tried to make a choice, whenever I tried to break free, whenever I tried to live. Every good thing I got to gain from life only came with its chains bounding me down in the deep until it became impossible for me to decipher what shackle to break free from because even when I tried to, I only found myself captive in another phase filled with so much emptiness.

Sinking, drowning, floating for a minute, and then going even lower in the wells of voidness than I'd been before.

A devouring life filled with endless notches of captivity...

The end