Chapter 301

“I can’t, that’s why I rarely go home and fell in love with a girl who is nothing like that. I don’t want that kind of relationship, like my parents. I never did. There are enough lies and deceit in this lifestyle, I don’t want it between us anymore. I want something pure with you.”

I really want those words to be the truth.

“It’s hard to forget everything and take you at face value, you know that?” It’s not easy to go from a lifetime of trusting no one to trust the one person who wounded you deeper than most. Even if he makes it sound like a possibility within my grasp and something I might actually want.

“I know. If I could take it all back, I would. If I could shake the shit out of myself and realise what you meant to me way back then, I swear, Cam, I would. I am sorry for the shit I did to you; it still eats at me every time I look at you. You didn’t deserve any of it. I should never have hurt you, in any way.”

A lump catches in my throat, eyes blurring as tears threaten and I look away, not willing to let myself get emotional over this. I have to be stronger. I don’t want to cry and turn this into a sob-fest.

“I thought you said this date involved Chinese food.” I deflect immediately, that pang of fear circling whenever we move to us and can sense the way he looks at me. Appraising my expression.

He knows I’m moving away from getting too deep into conversation when it turns to us and he lets it go. He doesn’t want me to run and I have no energy for doing that anytime soon. I feel that subtle exhale from his body through to mine as he hides a sigh and I pretend not to notice.

“We have to call for a delivery, menus are in a drawer in the kitchen. We have till eight, then we’re going out.”

“Why, where are we going? I have to be at the club for opening.” I point out, alarmed as I didn’t think this would be anything other than dinner. I signed up to a date, and in my head, it was to end before opening time.

“There’s a private movie theatre near here that plays old classics every night at eight. I figured it would be something normal and date like to do. You wanted that after all.”

I did, but I thought we were doing dinner and then home. I get up sharply, pushing myself out of his lap, standing to face him down accusingly, with hands on hips.

“What about the club?” I remind him. Something he seems to dismiss whenever it suits him.

“I already told Mico to get Joanne to cover for you tonight.”

Ugh. I shudder at him saying it. I hate it when he says that wenches name. I hate the reminder of what he did with her and if I could physically peel her vile existence out of his mouth, I would. It just makes me narkier.

“So, you planned to make this an all-night thing then, without giving me a choice? And using my pale comparison to ruin my club without me pre-planning anything? I didn’t know this would be that kind of date?” It’s spat with hostility even he can’t miss.

He knows how to ruin a mood, even if I was warming to him and seeing the possibilities.

I look him over angrily, annoyed at being coerced, realising that he’s been drinking since we got here, and he brought enough booze to make driving home a no-go. Even Alexi doesn’t drive while drinking, and I doubt he brought his bike to then abandon it. I can’t believe I never thought of this or noticed his alcohol consumption.

Wanker walked me right into being stuck with him all night in a very inhospitable part of Little Italy with no way of phoning anyone to get out of here, and no money for a cab. No wonder he made me leave my bag behind.

Is there no end to how controlling he can be?

Just when I think I can trust him and have faith in the less devious side to him, he acts like a manipulating wanker.

“You didn’t?” He looks amused, surprised that I’m shocked at this outcome and I lean back and glare at him. Daggers and rockets all in one look. Proper rage moving in at being manoeuvred by someone who claims he isn’t trying to do that anymore, and I stare him down.

“You said dinner. There’s no after plans to that. I’m not sleeping with you if that’s what you intended. Sex is a no-go.” I point out bluntly, making it clear from the get-go that I won’t cross that boundary anytime soon. If he planned a little romantic night here, then he can go fuck off and sleep up there alone.

“We can share a bed without having sex. We don’t even have to get naked. Or if it matters that much to you, I can sleep down here on the floor. I have a fold out for when Gino or Mico used to stay.”

“Or option three … I go home after food and you sleep here alone!”

I strop off towards the kitchenette with my glass for a refill and yank out drawers for a menu, inwardly seething that he took liberties and decided what I was doing tonight while giving me no say in the matter. I swear I’ll get a cab home if he keeps pushing his luck. I will thumb one down and get Jackson to pay at the club door if I have to. I walked right into another Alexi dictated plan and stupidly thought he would be different.

Fucking control freak!

Alexi saunters up beside me, casually pulling a drawer open I hadn’t got to yet, slides out a pile of take-out menus and lays them in front of me quietly. I can feel his eyes on the side of my face and make a good show of ignoring him.

“You’re sexy when you’re pissed at me.” He has that whole husky, seductive tone going on and I grit my teeth and get angrier. I know what he is doing and it won’t work. I’m madder than hell and no Carrero charm will fix that.

“Well, I must exude twenty-four-hour seduction then, seeing as that’s how often you make me pissed at you. You are quite the expert in angering me by the hour.” I sulk and move to filling my glass slowly so I don’t spill any, and focus on deliberate, careful movements to convey just how furious he has made me.

“If all I wanted was to fuck you then I wouldn’t have brought you here. I would have just made a play for you at the club and not put any effort in. I know how to get your panties wet.”

I blanch at that statement and catch the smirk on his face.

“Why do you always say such wanker things?” I turn on him aggressively, completely enraged now, blood bubbling up inside me and outraged at the shit he says. Alexi takes the bottle from me as I get dangerously close to overflow and puts it down.

“It’s honesty. I didn’t bring you here for sex. I brought you here to get the hell away from the usual us. From who I always have to be when I’m home.”

Well, he failed majestically at that. Pretty sure at home he is also a major fucking egotistical control freak with no qualms about bending me to his will.

“I think you need to take a class in romance 101. You're incredibly bad at it! And honesty isn’t always a good thing, especially when it’s crass and ignites more rage!”

Alexi turns me so my arse is up against the counter, not caring that I stiffen and try to resist as he cages me in. With an arm on either side of me, he moves in so close his nose almost grazes mine. It has the same effect as a dampening blanket on a fire, and I recoil feebly within myself when pinned in the clutches of a man who very recently told me he has clinical reasons for being a violent, cold-hearted tosser.

I should pin that to my mental noticeboard as a reminder not to push any psycho buttons on purpose.

“I want you; I won’t lie and say sex isn’t on my mind anytime I look at you, but you mean more to me. I want something real with you and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. Even if that means getting out of my comfort zone in every way, opening up, and living a celibate existence around you for however long you need.” He leans in slowly so that his nose does graze mine and my breath catches, losing all ability to stay mad when he has me trapped in his space. Air thinning as my lungs and head are filled with his smell. Always so heady.

He pauses, so close I almost move forward myself to bridge the gap. Impatient suddenly with what he is withholding even though I gave him shit for kissing me already tonight.

I hate that he can make me want to kiss him, even while telling myself no. It’s satanic.

“Say I believe you and I’m willing to see where this goes … what is it exactly you see for us?” I clear my throat, aware of the way my eyes are straying to those chiselled lips that are ripe for kissing. Cursing myself for this insane weakness in me for him and guessing that downing my wine on an empty stomach was a bad move. All the shit of the last twenty-four hours has clearly messed my head up, and sanity has jumped off a bridge. All I keep thinking about is his touch, even while telling myself to stay guarded and distant. Plans going to shit due to my lack of willpower.

“A relationship. A real one. Exclusive, just you and me and no bullshit. No lies. No games. I want to be the man you need me to be and I want to treat you the way you deserve. As my queen. I’ll move heaven and earth to make you happy, Cam.” Alexi lifts a hand and trails gentle fingers down my cheek tenderly, igniting a trail of small explosive goosebumps as my insides lurch with emotion. His words and touch are an effective combination, and I’m falling fast and heavy, with no chance of being saved.

He’s leaning so near I’m almost salivating with the need to be connected to him and the urge to be kissed grows wildly stronger. His words are those I have longed to hear from him for so long and a part of me, a tiny little part, wants to believe what he said is true.

I want to believe and hope he can be what I have always needed. What I have wanted since I first fell for him.

“If you fuck this up, I’ll go. I’ll leave you without a word and just disappear back to where I come from. You won’t find me a second time. There’s no room for mistakes. I won’t let you hurt me again.” I whisper so quietly I’m not sure he hears it until he nods. Wrestling myself for self-control and hating that all my decisions are crumbling to dust as I surrender slowly, with every second I’m with this version of him. My fight is dying, and I know it.

I wasn’t prepared to meet this side to him, and if I thought cruel Alexi had the real power, then I was wrong. This one, he can get into places inside me, without touch, I didn’t think anyone could. He’s breaking me down and pulling me in.

Alexi is inside of me in every way, and it’s only a matter of time before I lose all fight and rejection and give myself to him all over again. It’s terrifying knowing I have no will to stop it.

“That goes without saying. I know I have no room for error where you’re concerned. Just take a chance on me, that’s all I ask. I want this more than air.” Alexi grazes my nose with his softly, tingling my skin and erupting my senses to a fever pitch so I almost stop breathing. Poised and waiting for what I now need, rather than want. I need him to kiss me so badly I can almost taste it, but he stays still, unmoveable, and I wonder if this is him showing me, he will adhere to my boundaries. I said no to kissing and as much as he obviously wants to, he isn’t going to.

He really chooses the most inappropriate times to toe the fucking line.

I get so frustrated I throw caution to the wind and kiss him instead. Push forward and stand on tiptoes to close the last little distance to him. Fast and impulsive with a passion that ignites the second his warm lips touch mine.

Fuck this shit.

I want him to kiss me and I don’t care if I said no earlier. I’m aching all over for that bind to him, that much-needed affection within my grasp and I take it.

Screw logic, fear and plans. I like getting lost in his kiss, and the mental silence it gives me whenever he does. Thinking is overrated anyway.