Chapter 93

He has no idea what kind of strength and grit that takes. I was only a child, alone in a cruel world and instead of crumbling, just like so many kids who walked the same path, I thrived. Clawed some sort of existence, battled through hell and pain to come out the other side. He has no idea what sort of depravity and shit I have endured.

‘’You used to trust people you know? You used to see the good in people and give them a chance.’’ Gino sounds saddened suddenly, and my ears perk up, stifling my sobs. Interest peeking through my anguish and any hints at more about Alexi is like a drug—I need to know more about him. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to him. No matter what he does, I have an affliction when it comes to him.

‘’Don’t start this bullshit again. I know this shit is why you keep trying to use her to get me to snap. I’m wise to your attempts at it, Gino.’’ Alexi sounds mad again, his moods all over the place, and yet I can’t stop eavesdropping.

‘’Is it wrong to want my brother back?’’

‘‘I never went anywhere. It’s all in your head. I am still your brother! I still come home for every family event like a good little kid and play the adoring Carrero, as expected. What more do you want from me?’’ Alexi is reverting to a cold tone and closing out emotion. I guess this is a subject he doesn’t like, and I strain to listen through the railing some more, pushing my fear aside to just get snippets of the man. Leaning forward and straining as they move into the room and voices drop so it’s harder to hear.

‘‘The thirteen-year-old who was like me. Before that day, before this life, the kid who used to do normal shit and behave like a normal human being sometimes. He would never have treated a girl like this. He’s still in there somewhere, still lurking in the darkest shadows and I hate what stepping up in dad’s shoes has done to you.’’

Thirteen? Why is he being so age-specific?

‘’Gino, go home, this conversation is old and boring.’’ Alexi sounds icy and controlled. Gino’s heading into dangerous territory and should leave Alexi alone, even I can tell from up here without even laying eyes on him. ‘’You think I don’t see that’s where it all went wrong. You didn’t need to follow in dad’s footsteps to forgive yourself for it. It affected all of us, and it was okay to not be okay.’’ Gino sounds emotional, his voice breaking, and I hold my breath, urging him to be more specific. It’s too vague and I need details, craving information. Straining like crazy to hear and forget my own self-pity for a moment.

‘‘I’m not doing this. This isn’t a mask or a front—this is who I am. I don’t pretend to be a cold bastard and not care … I AM a cold bastard who doesn’t care.’’

I can vouch for that.

‘’You care about your family, the ones who are blood, and if you can care about them then you can still care. You can care about her. It won’t bring your kingdom crumbling down.’’

‘‘What do you need Gino huh? You need me to tell you that it’s okay and you can stop feeling guilty? Well you can. I shot him, not you. I pulled the trigger and killed him at point-blank range to protect both of you. She put a gun in my hand and I did what I needed to do to make sure all three of us got out of that car alive, it’s not on you how I became or what life I chose thereafter, and it’s not on you to feel guilty for it because I sure as hell don’t.’’ Alexi sounds less manic and more controlled as he gets a grip on his own emotions and calms down.

My head is racing with possibilities. From the mention of his mother, I know it has something to do with the situation with Santagato and I wonder if someone came after his mother when they were just young boys. Alexi shot their attacker, and from what it sounds like it changed his life for the worse.

Oh Alexi, I wish I had known you before that. If you were thirteen, I would have been nine … Two children not yet fully touched by what was coming for them, and I wonder who we would have become had our lives taken another path.

‘’We were kids. Mom should have pulled the trigger herself to protect us, not you.’’ Gino sounds broken, like this still affects him deeply and there’s a hint of something more when he mentions her, betrayal or blame maybe. He clearly holds his mother responsible for Alexi.