Chapter 146

“I just … I dreamt you died.” I break into a sob and there’s nothing but silence between us. I know she must feel awkward, she doesn’t know emotional Emma, I don’t think she’s seen her for a very long time. She’s no idea how much I’ve changed, what Jake has done to me or even that I’m with him at all. Last time we saw one another it ended so badly and she’s probably wondering what’s changed.

“I’m fine, darling … I’m just bobbing along, you know … Getting on with things.” She sounds wary, she doesn’t know what to say, which helps me reel back in the tears and regain my equilibrium, back to the Emma she’s more able to deal with. My mother isn’t one to be overly emotional and she sounds uncomfortable at the evidence I am.

“I think I might come home for a few days … With Jake.” I add, surprising even myself. Knowing her, she won’t even ask why I would bring him.

“Oh, that would be lovely … For both of you to come, he’s done so much for me and I would like to say thank you in person.” She beams down the phone. It’s obvious the last time she saw him she was enamored with the impressive Carrero heir. She doesn’t even ask about us, about what relationship we have. Just accepts that I’ll bring him, and she doesn’t mention our last meeting. This is how she is; this is what she always does. My life is of no interest unless it has some point in hers.

“I better go and let you sleep.” I finally add, my need to speak to her dissipating now, that inner nudge of disappointment she always makes me feel grows steadily inside of me.

I don’t know why I always delude myself that she will be different. That for once I’ll get some sort of emotion. The affectionate names are all just an act.

“Okay, sweetheart.” She pauses as though she wants to say more but doesn’t. “Just text me when you’re going to come, and I’ll get your old room ready,” I say nothing, knowing we will stay in a hotel close by; too many harsh memories to stay there. We say our goodbyes and I hang up, feeling only marginally better. A different kind of emotion waving through me now.

I sigh and send Jake a text for him to get when he wakes up, part of me hoping he wakens with the vibration of his cell. I need to hear him.

‘We’re going to Chicago to see my mother … I finally bit the bullet and called her. P.S I miss you xx’

I slide my phone onto the bedside table and lay down reluctantly; he won’t be awake at this time. Jake has the ability to fall asleep anywhere and quickly, he’ll reply when he gets up and maybe call me. I settle into the bed, trying to get comfy and toss and turn before I finally start to drift back off.

* * *

I wake early slightly energized, knowing he’s coming home today, and it thrills me in ways I never thought possible. I feel like he’s been gone forever. I jump up and shower with renewed happiness, the memories of last night returning and thoughts of Chicago dampening it down again. I’m not regretting calling her but somehow, in the light of a new day, I regret agreeing to go back there. I know Jake doesn’t quite see my mother in the same light anymore either, so maybe taking him with me isn’t a good idea after all.

Jake calls me a little after seven, he left it until after his gym workout and run time in case I was still asleep, and I’m so overjoyed to hear his voice again.

“Hey, bambino.” He’s happy and I grin at the mere sound of him and melt at his usual affectionate term.

“Hey, sexy.” I giggle, elated.

“Did you miss me? I missed you last night.” His voice takes on a husky tone which sends shivers through me and the sudden urge to have him wrapped around me claws at my chest.

“Of course, not … Hardly noticed your absence.” I jest and he laughs softly. He knows me better than that, can’t get anything by him.

“I couldn’t sleep last night, I think I tossed and turned until almost three before I finally got some shut eye,” he says. “Think I was yearning for my live teddy bear.” There’s a smile in his voice.

“That’s odd, I woke up just after three with a horrendous nightmare.” I admit “I dreamed my mother died and … Vanquis was here.” It comes out a little too shakily as though I’m more torn about it than I am.

Maybe I am …

My hands are trembling at the memory.

“I wish I’d been beside you, miele.” He sounds somber and his joyous tone drops. “I hate that you woke up alone after that.”

“I don’t have nightmares when you’re here,” I add in haste to reassure him, my heart aching at the tone of his voice. The guilt he feels at not being here.

“I hate that leaving you means they come back then … You stopped having your night terrors when we started sleeping together?” He sounds genuinely surprised.

“I guess … I haven’t had a dream like last night in a couple of weeks and that one night we shared a bed in Chicago I never had one either.” I admit, my face flushing at the memory of that night and kissing him. I still haven’t told him that I initiated it, maybe I will. He’ll like that.

“It makes me happy to know that I keep them away, that in some way I’m protecting you from the past … Is that why you called her? Why you want to see her?” His tone changes subtly and it makes me a little wary.

“Yes … You don’t think I should anymore?” I push gently.

“She’s still your mother, maybe I don’t favor her as much as I did, but only you can choose what relationship you have with her.” There’s a noise from behind him, it’s Daniel’s voice and Jake tells him to get lost, playfully.

“Do you need to go?” I ask, disappointment washing over me as he sighs lightly.

“Yes, but I’m not going to … Stay on the phone, baby.” The noises coming down the call suggest he’s getting up and moving around, maybe putting his shoes on. “Daniel is eager to get breakfast, but not here … The menu is as bad as the room.” He jests, and I conjure up images of seafood platter banquets and overelaborate poached egg dishes. Jake hates fussy food displays; he likes food to look like food and a bit rustic. “I can still talk to you while I walk, though.”

“Do you think you’ll get everything sorted today?” I know I should ask, after all, it’s the reason he’s out there, but even uttering the words causes me a great amount of heartache. Life would be perfect if it weren’t for this little hurdle.

“I hope so, I don’t want to be going back and forth with lawyers for much longer … I’m not leaving until some sort of legal agreement is reached in terms of money, visitation, boundaries.” His voice goes quiet as he moves the phone away, I can almost imagine him sliding his jacket on. I close my eyes to see him in my mind’s eye, aching to touch that face and those biceps.

“You think she’s ready to agree?” I force myself to open my eyes again and not get lost in the memory of his touch.

“Yes … I told her that if she wanted me to have any sort of relationship with the baby she needed to back off because my love life was nothing to do with her.” He comes back clearer and louder, the phone obviously back where it belongs. “I’m not going in there with her calling the shots on this … I made it clear that it goes my way or I’m on the first flight home.” He sounds determined, typical commandeering Carrero on a role. Marissa has no idea what she’s trying to come up against.

“I forgot you were the king of negotiation.” I laugh, he’s the king of manipulation and getting his own way more accurately.

“Right, bella, I’m heading into the elevator so I’m going to lose you … Ti amo, piccola ragazza,” he says it so seductively my insides tremble.

“I love you too … Goodbye, Jake.” I smile down the phone when he utters his goodbyes and then, he’s gone.