Chapter 83

I’m doing what he’s making me do, my body moving in time to his, held captive by his mouth and hands. Climbing again, only so intently I know I’m going to rip apart. I don’t know how to react. How to stop it. I don’t want to stop it … but I have to … I’m scared that it’ll overwhelm me … Marissa invading my mind, what we’re doing, doubt searing through me. It’s too much, it’s too intense, writhing under him, trying to keep control, but he grabs my wrists roughly as I try recoil, holding them down to the floor while making my senses reel back to him. He stops fucking me.

“I’ll stop, Emma … Do you want me to stop?” his tone is serious and dark, but his eyes are wary and begging me. It’s like he drags my focus back in from all the messy over thinking that is pushing in and I shake my head … I don’t want to face the after … It can’t stop. I don’t want him to stop.

“Don’t,” I pant, scared of the intensity in his look, just how overcome with lust he is and how desirable he is to me right now. He visibly relaxes and starts moving hard and fast inside me, as though he knows I may change my mind, pulling my thighs up for leverage and holding me more firmly with every thrust. His desire drowning out sense and Jake really goes for it.

Every part of him against me, his mouth on mine again and I’m lost as his tongue caresses my own. I relinquish all control. That last piece of him entwined with me, drowning out the last of the voices in my head. His kiss, my savior from myself, while he pounds me like he just can’t stop.

It sends me off the edge and I erupt so suddenly; I can’t even prepare as it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I cry out, scream his name, digging my nails into his shoulder blades while spasms explode inside and out, causing a million sensations to ignite at once. My brain spins and jerks in ecstasy … It’s devastating … It’s amazing and overwhelming all at once as my thighs clench around his waist forcefully. He thrusts hard into me once more, heightening my completion, causing another volcano eruption of stars which have me spiraling out of control, up and over the crashing waves, free falling, crying out and clutching for dear life as he holds me. Spent as soon as the shudders recede, Jake stills with me, falling on top of me, panting as much as I am so I guess he found his own climax inside of me while I was mid orgasm.

“Emma … Merda.” He breathes and groans into my neck, laying heavily over me after his own cumming. I lay sated and breathless as the world slows around me and my senses start to calm. My body is tingling all over, and I’m exhausted. Suddenly emotional and all too aware as sense loses its lust fog. The self-consciousness in me rolls over and it’s like I suddenly see what we just did which shakes me before kicking me in the gut with a rude awakening. I’m semi-naked and entwined with him on the floor of our suite. This is more than an “oh shit” moment … That’s a massive understatement. This is more of a “I’ve lost my fucking mind” moment.

I shrug out from under him, instantly mortified, cold, terrified, ashamed, unsure, and he rolls away reluctantly. Kicking his pants and underwear from around his ankles. I start to tremble as this hits me properly, and I scan his naked body in panic.

What we have done?

My face starts burning and my legs turn to Jell-O … I can’t breathe as anxiety tears my mind open, my body still basking in the aftereffects, yet also regret swooping in. I try to get away quickly, but he hauls me back to him, against his naked body and I stiffen all over.

“Emma, don’t.” He warns, with an unreadable tone.

“Don’t what?” I sound small and terrified and I hate that voice, it’s betraying the overwhelming hysteria growing up inside of me like a tornado, about to engulf my entire world.

“Don’t close that door … not after this.” He stretches out beside me on the floor, voice low and raw but I want to die with the shame at what I have just allowed him to do with me. No better than all the whores he beds.

I can’t … I can’t do this. What the hell have I done? I’ve just destroyed my relationship with Jake and my entire career in one fell swoop. I’ve just opened Pandora’s box on a whole host of chaos I can’t deal with.

My mind’s running at a hundred miles an hour. I’m seeing everything we are, and I’ve worked for, crumbling away to dust. He can do casual sex and brush stuff like this off, but me? I just completely surrendered what was left of my heart to the one man who would never want it, and I can’t go back. He’s ruined me for anyone else ever!!!

“We crossed the line, Jake … we can’t go back from this.” There are tears in my eyes, because I know this changes everything. He swears under his breath and rolls over me, leaning in while trying to bring me back to him, but I resist. His eyes searching my face, trying to gain contact. Caging me in with his muscular arms but my walls are rising.

“Emma, don’t do this … It’s sex … Don’t over think it.” His words are like a slap in the face. This is the problem right here! This was just another meaningless screw to him … Another faceless woman. But it wasn’t. It was me … Emma! And now everything is destroyed, and I’ll never go back.

“I’m not you!” I spit angrily, I shove his chest hard, the emotion bubbling up, ready to burst forth. That inner self-doubt and fear flooding through. “I can’t just have sex then shrug it off meaninglessly.”

Why did he have to say it like that? Like this is nothing. This is why I should have never let it get this far.

“You think that’s what I’m going to do?” instant hurt, then anger, all at the same time, his arms tensing over me, keeping us apart to glare eye on eye. His face a picture of rage and betrayal but I am so far gone in my own mind.

“Maybe I should ask Marissa!” I snap at him, close to breaking down. Jealousy ripping through me at saying her name. Heart wrenching pain hitting me hard and my own eyes smarting with the instant need to cry.

Is that what he does? Screws and then forgets it … Is this who he is? Why am I shocked at this? … I know that’s who he is … I’ve seen it a million times.

“Fuuuck … Emma.” He groans, dropping his face into his hand, rolling onto his back, away from me once more. It sounds like he’s asking god for strength as he pushes up and moves away completely, jumping to his feet and stalking off toward the bathroom to deal with the condom. I turn away, I don’t want to see him naked. Not now … Not ever again.

I leap up, fully submerged in emotional madness and regret, and run to my room. I slam the door, locking it behind me and brace myself behind it panting, unable to reel in the chaos inside of me. The beginning of a panic attack overwhelming me.

I let him kiss me … I let him have sex with me … I let him touch me in places with his mouth no one ever has … How can I go back to normal after this? How can I just rewind and delete what happened? It’s monumental. It changes everything between us; how I feel about him.

A minute later he pounds the door behind me violently, causing me to jump and hold the handle tightly. My heart racing in sudden fear and I just can’t face him.

“Emma, open the fucking door.” He sounds livid.

“No.” If I do, I’ll break, and I can’t break, I have to stay strong. I need to put distance between us, until I can get a grip on what we’ve done. “You’re being childish … We need to talk about this.” He’s enraged and it just closes me down more.

“Why?” I spit. So, he can inform me that it’s casual sex, and I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.

Is this the chat he has with every woman he fucks?

“For god’s sake … This is the fucking problem with you, Emma. You’re like a fucking swing door.” He raps the wood with a slap, and I jump, still clinging to the handle.

What the hell does that mean? He’s the one with the crazy moods and bad temper.

I glare at the door and flinch away when he pounds on it again. My body a trembling bag of nerves at his reaction.

Seriously, Jake!

“Open the door or I’ll fucking kick it in.” He is beyond mad, and sounds terrifying … I’m scared, I’ve never known him this insane; Jake has never intimidated me before in this way. Maybe the night he beat Ray, but now I’m shaking so badly I think I may throw up or pass out. I believe him, that he will kick the door in, he’s strong enough. Angry enough. And it makes me pale. Memories of a thousand angry men flitting through my brain as my blood runs cold and I shrink back.

“Jake, you’re frightening me,” I cry out desperately, my voice overtaken with emotion. Tears stinging my eyes. My body trembling as I revert to teen Emma. He seems to still for a long drawn out pause.

“Open the door. Please,” he switches to talking through gritted teeth, lowering his voice as though he’s trying to quell his temper and soften, but he’s still so pissed. The shrill tone of the buzzer of our room door goes and he curses, only quieter, as though he’s turned his face away from me.