Chapter 181

“Sophie?” Sylvana’s voice startles me as I get to my own pathway. Walking back from dumping my idiot brother on his couch to pass out as she appears with Mia in tow, looking cute in a unicorn fluffy Onesie with sneakers. Obviously having a girl day with her grandmamma. Mia is going through a phase of living in Onesies and rather than try and talk her into day clothes, Jake decided to buy her about fifty themed Onesies, so she never had to wear the same one twice. Emma seems to have let it go and I wonder if all kids are weirdly cute like theirs are.

Little geeks.

“Hey.” I give them both a hug, one after the other and get a huge kiss from Mia on the cheek that absolutely melts my heart. The older she gets, the more she looks like Emma, yet there is something of the Carrero in that beautiful little face too. Her personality, however, is all Jake.

“Did you get fat?” Mia asks rather innocently and prods me in the stomach in a really unamusing way.

Sylvana giggles at her grandchild’s little cute mouth, despite her appalled expression and I frown at her

“Thanks… And No, Mia, I happened to gain a little weight and curves since living in France.” I point out, knowing fine well that I can explain the few pounds I did inherit in the last month, well maybe months, seeing as I did gain non-related pounds in Paris and wonder when the boobs and butt are going to slim again. I haven’t really seen any trimming around the waist even if the change is so slight most wouldn’t notice. I guess it’s still really early days to see anything. It doesn’t feel like days, it feels like it’s been weeks of hell.

I do however feel defensive that she noticed it in one area that I don’t want it to be noticed. I guess because it’s eye level and I used to have a flat athletic shape whereas now I have softer curves. I’m becoming feminine as opposed to boy shaped. Arrick pointed it out a lot over the last year, he loves it, says it’s crazily sexy, but I’m not so sure getting a little soft around the edges is that great.

“Mia, what have we spoken about many times when it comes to things we say to people?” Sylvana is attempting to tame our little honesty girl but I know it’s futile, she has Jake’s knack of cutting to the point in everything.

“To think if it will hurt their feelings, Nona.” Mia flutters her eyelashes sweetly and I spot the cheeky in that look, playing her grandma like a pro. I sigh and grin at our little wild child.

Carrero’s produce amazing kids. I can’t deny it and the ache of longing that consumes me hits home once more. It’s getting easier to accept it and not push it down quite so fast, but it’s still no less painful. I wanted my Carrero mini me. I can’t get that gutting feeling to leave me alone, always lingering in my head even when other things take precedent.

“I didn’t mean she looked bad, Nona, only that she gives nicer cuddles.” The innocent little diva smile and sweet girl eyes almost kill me, and I have to hide my urge to burst out both crying and laughing simultaneously. She knows what she is doing, and I am both amused by her and heartbroken at the same time. Sylvana pats her head with pride and turns back to me.

“We’re making cookies before dinner; do you want to come and join us? We have ourselves a Mia and Nona night twice a month… Lucah and Ava prefer daytime playtime, but Mia likes a day of baking and a sleepover.” The pride and love in Sylvana is evident and the pang of loss is really starting to gnaw at me. I can’t help wondering if she would be this way with Arrick’s kids, even if we stayed in the city and saw her less often.

Kids? What are you even thinking about? A month back you didn’t even want one.

“Sure… I’d love that.” I smile convincingly, hiding my turmoil, thinking of nothing better I would rather be doing right now instead of going back to my old room and thinking about Arry and what he’s doing without me in the city. Talking to my mom is out of the equation while she is dealing with Bree and Rylanne’s drama, and to be honest, I still haven’t found the courage to say the words to her yet. I don’t think I’m ready to be poked, prodded, examined, and reminded. I’m still raw in so many ways.

Jake’s taunts have stayed with me too and I keep picturing Arrick with that dumb whore, PA, driving myself crazy. I have to curb the urge to text him and call him because I really do need to let this lie for now. I have to trust him and take a time out. Although all day I have kept wondering exactly what the hell I need a time out for anymore. I’m less insane being back here, less erratic, and emotional as reality has slowly been sinking in.

Without him feeding my spoiled brat tendencies, I am starting to get a grip on how out of order I am when it comes to how he’s been feeling. Arrick deserves a better girlfriend and I don’t like being here without him. I miss him.

***

Baking with them brings back a lot of memories, good and bad. Many a time I sat in this kitchen over the years and let Sylvana in her own way help me get through. I met Arrick in this very kitchen for the first time and even though I stayed to get some free head space, he’s plaguing me crazily.

Maybe I should have gone somewhere alone and booked a hotel for a few days, instead of the place where most of our memories lie to get at me with every turn. I thought I needed space from him, yet my own insanity is keeping him forefront in my mind constantly.

“You’re my favorite, auntie.” Mia announces sweetly as she rolls out cookie dough on the kitchen table, standing on a chair to reach the surface. She is covered in flour, wearing a little frilly apron over her nightwear but looks so angelic while clumsily doing so that I may die from cuteness overload. Mia knows how to make me feel a whole lot better with just that face.

I have a huge soft spot for her, I guess because she was the first baby in our families, and one I was around a lot as she began to grow. There from day one and spent so much time with her in her early years before I moved away. Mia will always be my little Princess and I often wondered if I would ever have a little girl like her.

I think I’d like a little Mia.

“More than Leila?” I poke her in the cheek and get a tiny little Jake Carrero glare thrown my way at daring to prod her. It almost kills me it’s so adorable in a freakish way. There is no denying who this girl’s daddy is anyway.

“She doesn’t understand unicorns… She doesn’t like rainbows either.” She pouts as though some great injustice has been done to her and I sit opposite her at the table and shake the flour from my hands from helping mix batches of cookie dough. I think Sylvana is planning a cookie store with the amount she’s running up. Although knowing her, these will be for something specific. A charity bake sale or something worthwhile; she’s t good to her core, like her sons.

“Unicorns are simply where it’s at… I don’t think she understands the profound quality of mystical unicorns.” I pick up some of the dough and pop it in my mouth, savoring its rawness with relish. I always did have a weakness for all things sweet, even though this has a weird metallic taste coming through and I have to swallow it quick before gagging as the aftertaste turns it sour in my mouth.

Weird.

“She doesn’t buy me the best presents on my birthday either… You do. I still have Princess Sparkles, still looking after her like you made me promise. So that one day when you have a little girl she can look after her too.”

My heart literally catches in my throat and I stammer for a moment. Knocked sideways by this instant reaction. I swallow hard to push out a response quickly.

“I told you that she could stay with you as long as you loved her… So that could be forever.” I reassure her, over the stuffed toy I bestowed upon her when we moved to Paris a year ago. It was my way of telling her I would always come back. Princess Sparkles was one of my prized possessions, a stuffed unicorn Arrick won for me in the first month of life here and my bed partner ever since that day, until he became my snuggle bear and I didn’t need her anymore.

Stop missing him so much, Sophie.

“Do you think you will have a little girl who loves unicorns? Someone to play with me? Ava likes cars… And Lego.” She is unamused as she stares blankly at me and I frown in agreement, making sure I at least look like I agree that it’s a travesty to have a non-unicorn loving sister. Inside however, my heart is shredding, and I can’t think straight.

“Maybe one day… Here, add more flour when it gets sticky.” I try to distract her from her topic and look around for help in the shape of Sylvana, but she’s busy icing cookies that are cool in the far corner and seems to be letting us have bonding time. I take a deep breath and turn a bright smile back to my little cherub.

“Uncle Arry will have nice babies… He’s handsome, like daddy. I think he will have a baby that looks like Lucah… He looks like uncle Arry.” Mia is lost in her own little thought process and I don’t know if it’s because I miss him like crazy or if it’s t the things she’s saying, but I start welling up inside, my throat constricting as though I can’t breathe.

“He does.” I almost choke saying it and feel Sylvana’s eyes stray to me, even from this angle. My face warms and my insides start to swirl alarmingly, but I try to ignore it.

He really does though… The older little Lucah gets, the more I see it in him. He started off really dark haired and green eyed as a baby, but his hair has been lightening as he grows, and his features are still soft for a kid, instead of more squared out like Jakes. Arry has a softer face, and Lucah right now is like a mini him with green eyes. Also, the quiet nature and all-seeing wise eye he has for being so young. I wonder if Arry had a son, if he would look like Lucah, and the thought gives me another wave of intense pain in my chest that feels like it’s forcing my rib cage to cave in.

I’m instantly dizzy, walls starting to close in, and I get really hot as my skin prickles all over with warning bells that I am not okay. I get up quickly and fan my face, trying hard to breathe through it, but nausea hits hard too. My ever-circling friend, like a tidal wave that buckles my knees and I end up crumbling back into my chair and putting my face on the table to let it pass.

“I’m too hot.” I try to breathe through it as I feel Sylvana’s hands on me and her soothing tone as she asks if I am okay. That tunnel vision coming in at the edges that threatens to make me pass out and I’m clawing to get through it.

It will pass, Sophie… Breathe.

I’m trying to push the sense of impending vomit away and take slower breathes, swallow it down and let the blackness of a dizzy spell fade back out, but the next thing I know, a rumbling volcano from my gut overtakes all control and I throw up spectacularly on the floor.