Chapter 182

“Feeling better?” Sylvana hands me a fresh glass of iced water as I sit out in the back veranda in the cool afternoon air. She’s put Mia in the playroom with the housekeeper, while the maid is in cleaning the kitchen and making me feel guilty as hell.

“A lot. I think it was the heat from the kitchen and I haven’t been feeling great since we landed back home.” I sigh and relax back, glad of the breeze. She comes and sits opposite me on another lounger and regards me with a concerned expression.

“The fresh air will help that.” She watches me pensively and I know there are questions waiting to come out of that mouth, I can tell, but she seems hesitant.

“I should go and let you get some time with Mia. I’m ruining your Nona day.” I go to get up, now almost back to normal, but she lays a hand on mine and stops me mid lift.

“Mia is fine, she’s with Colette making glitter paintings. You sit and gather yourself, you’re clearly under the weather.”

“I’m sorry about that… I haven’t been feeling great for a while, still recovering.” I avoid her gaze and look out across the garden, over the pool and at the distant huge greenhouse that contains Sylvana’s beautiful flower collection. Arry and I used to sit in there on rainy days and find peace in being in a miniature botanical garden. I can’t help the smile that comes out of nowhere when I picture us walking through her rose arches inside the great glass structure. This place holds so many memories.

“I need your honesty, Sophie… Are you and Arry breaking up?” Sylvana cuts to the chase, brining my attention back to hers and I catch my breath with the sorrow I see there. Seems Jake was right, and everyone has been speculating my Arry-less stay. I’ve been ignorant in my little bubble, that any of them would notice.

“No. I wanted some time here after being in Europe for a year and Arry had things that needed done in the city.” I answer with a half-truth, avoiding her eyes and feel incredibly guilty.

“So, you are saying you are fine, your relationship is fine?” She looks unconvinced and I nod a little too enthusiastically. Hands getting clammy with my dishonesty.

“Yes.” I look away finding her expression too painful, ripping my heart apart at the fact I can sit here and bullshit her.

“You wouldn’t lie to me though?” The accusing tone and way her eyes seem to eat through to my core makes me extremely uncomfortable and I squirm in my chair before antsy legs make me jump to my feet.

“Sylvana, please.” I mock laugh as though she is being ridiculous and realize a little too late that my acting abilities have their limits.

“My son is broken; he has been since you got here and then he leaves without a goodbye… I saw it… So please, Sophie, be honest with me. I’m not here to take his side and judge; I just want to know what’s happening between my babies. You are both precious to me and my heart is aching.” Her voice breaks, tears fill those familiar green eyes and I sit down like a scolded child as waves of cold and shame rack through me. Lying to her of all people is a huge betrayal and I can’t look at her anymore. I kick the grass under my feet and stare at my boots awkwardly.

“I… I… I’m sorry.” I don’t know what to say. I’m overwhelmed emotionally suddenly and ashamed of myself. Caught in a lie by the one woman who matters so much.

“Did he do something? In your time apart, the long months and the agony of long distance?” She’s blinking at me with a broken expression and I can barely hold myself together at seeing her so distraught.

“No! Arry would never… He loves me too much to do anything stupid.” I defend him, aching for him in this moment for his mother’s sake and for mine, because I know it’s true. He adores me so much. He would know what to say to soothe her if he were here and be my grounding force and hold my hand. Like he always is.

“Then what?” She’s pushing, grabbing my hand, and enveloping it in her soft fingers. Pleading at me with her manner, to tell her that Arry and I are okay. I wish I could, but I don’t want to keep lying.

I watch her for a long moment, the weight of my burden bearing down heavily, and I can’t do it with her. She has been so much to me, so crucial to my life in so many ways and I don’t want to keep hiding about any of this. He is her son; he wouldn’t want me to lie to her.

“I lost our baby.” It comes out softly, heartfelt yet calm and even though the words are painful. I don’t fall apart or cry. I accept that it is what it is and it’s okay to not be okay. My body pulses with the effort to remain so but it feels better to tell someone properly. She sits in stunned silence and stares at me for a moment. Saying nothing, doing nothing as I turn to her and cover our connected fingers with my other hand.

“Arrick is broken hearted, and I stupidly pushed him away when he needed me the most. He’s not here because I asked him for space.” I say it as though it’s so very clear for the first time and feel like an absolute failure in every way.

“Sophie, Bambina” She gets up from her chair and leans over me, squeezing me in an awkward hug from her angle and despite myself, fighting every ounce of the emotion building up, I start to cry. Like a release of pressure in a really needed way. I’ve been all over the place with my emotions lately and I give up trying to remain in control when I clearly have no skills at it anymore. I break down, not overly so, just a lot of tears and blubbering as I sit there looking broken.

“I sent him home, selfish as ever, so I could be alone with my childish brain to figure out how to feel about all of it.”

The same brain that has done nothing but pine for him ever since and I keep ignoring it because I am stupid and stubborn and don’t want to admit that I am wrong. I cannot self-heal while being in the Hamptons, I cannot get through this and then go back to the city and fix us. Arry is the only one who ever knew how to help me heal myself.

“I think it’s a bit harsh to say you are selfish. In pain we tend to only focus on ourselves and forget that maybe others might need us too.” Sylvana isn’t reacting like I expected. She’s soothing me, holding my hand as she returns to her seat and brushes away my free-flowing tears with gentle strokes. I can see where her sons learned to be an emotional support to their loved ones. I am seeing it at the source. That gentle caring nature that takes away all blame.

“Arrick wanted it… I think he was happy it happened. I was so wrapped up in what I was losing and how it affected my dreams and plans. I have been a living nightmare for him and then as quickly as we knew it existed, it was gone.”

And my reason to feel anything but empty went with it.

“You never had time to let it sink in… It’s terrifying as a woman to find yourself pregnant when it’s not planned. Especially when you’ve had the past you had, my darling child. You had a plan and goals and aspirations, and you were at the beginning of that journey. You’re young and naïve and not gotten to the point where you realize babies do not mean an end to that. I don’t blame you for acting in fear and pushing him away. That’s what you do when you’re scared. We all know that about you.” My tears become silent, yet keep falling, soaking my face and dripping onto the bodice of my jersey dress and I let it all out. It needed to come out and no better person than her to trust with this. I think I needed to cry and have someone impartial listen to me.

Well, as impartial as Sylvana can be.

“Arrick never gave me a chance to let it sink in… He swept in and started taking care, taking control and he wouldn’t listen to me or give me time. In two weeks, it felt like I wanted to run screaming.” I admit it and yet it seems pathetic in hindsight. Little Diva who was tantrumming and making her boyfriend’s life a living hell. I was a brat of epic proportions and that sobering thought is like sticking a knife in my own gut.

“Smothered you with his need to love you… To take care of you.” Sylvana nods knowingly and smiles gently. She knows her sons well and that look of gentle adoration only makes me feel worse about how I have been towards him.

“It’s my fault, I let him do it all the time. I let him indulge me and take care of everything. I don’t do things for myself when I know he can do it for me… So, he did what I always expect of him and then I hated him for it when I lost control of everything that he couldn’t fix. I let him do so much more than he should do and then I act like an ungrateful brat when he’s jumping through hoops to please me.”

When did I lose sight of how grateful I should be for having him?

“Relationships are a two-way thing, Sophie; growing together, compromising, and finding your place with each other is not a quick thing. It takes years to find that balance between you and a role that you’re both comfortable with. Arrick carries guilt from a rocky beginning, he told me so many times. I think he overcompensates to try and show you how much you mean to him and he tends to be a little overbearing with that care.”

“And then I repay it by acting like a spoiled baby and pushing him away when he needs me to take care of him.” I sigh with regret, seeing my part in where things started to fall apart, long before the pregnancy. I kept putting all the pressure and frustration I felt on him, ignoring how much he was putting himself through to even come home to me and keep trying to take care of me. He proposed to me to prove how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. He flew home, dropping everything when I told him about the miscarriage, and I know his father and he still are not talking to one another over his resignation. His relationship is a mess because he chose me over Carrero Corp.

That thought is sobering on so many levels.

Arrick should leave me and find someone who appreciates all he does.

“It sounds like you two have a lot of talking to do.” Sylvana dabs my tears and it’s then I realize she dabs her own face too. I wasn’t aware she had even begun to cry, and I’m more ashamed of all that has come before.

“He’s in pain and I don’t know how to fix him. Instead I wanted to ignore it, so I didn’t have to deal with it.”

What kind of woman does that to the man she loves?

“You need to fix each other, together, by talking about this even if it’s something painful. Holding each other up equally. You want to be his wife, then you need to find your place and your voice within your relationship. It’s okay for him to take the lead sometimes, but he needs to learn that you are capable of doing it too and you need to take on some independence and show him you can. You need to be his rock as he is yours.”

Stop letting it be a one-way thing. Arry gives and I take. That’s our problem. I got so used to being his Princess and not having to ever repay what he does for me. When I was faced with having to do so, I bailed.

“I told him I didn’t think we should get married.” I’m ashamed of how much that must have hurt him, especially after proposing me to me after two years of waiting to do it. Proposing to me to fix us, to make me feel secure. And I made him doubt I even want to.

Good going.

“You don’t want to marry him anymore?” Sylvana blanches, that shock shoots across her face and makes me wince.

“I do… I feel like we’re broken, and a wedding wouldn’t fix anything.” I gaze out at the greenhouse once more and get pangs of pain at all the memories of all he’s been to me.

“That must have hurt both of you, but you’re right. You can’t just put a band aid on it with a wedding. You have to face the core of why you’re not working anymore and work it out first.” She pats my hand gently, bringing my eyes back to hers.

“I’ve been so immature and blind. Paris was for me and it destroyed everything. I kept making him feel like it was his fault that we were drifting.” I sigh and let out the heavy breath I have been holding.

“Long distance relationships are hard, Sophie, and despite how often he flew home to you, that was what you were doing. Arrick was always desperate to go back to you whenever I saw him. He hated the way your lives were going. He hated not being with you.” She smiles softly, and I see him in that face and those dimples.

“I hated it too, but I kept pretending I didn’t, so he wouldn’t worry.” We hid truths and that’s where we started to disconnect.

“You pretended for his sake, while he was pretending for yours. Miserable and fragile. Then you threw in an unplanned baby and boom… It all unraveled. No wonder things began to fall apart, Sophie. You’re both so young and still finding your way.”

We were both living lies to try and make the other believe it was all okay. We stopped talking, sharing and being honest. The proposal was a quick fix on the surface, but we never really addressed all that was going wrong. We didn’t reconnect or find ourselves again. We took a time out before stepping back to the same scenario. Coming home right away might have put us on the road to starting to undo the damage but the baby threw it all in the air before we had a chance.

“We were coming home… School done, life looking set to come back to what we had before. Then he told me I had to stay because I couldn’t fly, and I felt like I had no choice… He wouldn’t talk about other options, made it clear we were having a baby and that was it; blinkers on, stubborn headed Arrick. He wouldn’t listen to me. So, in good old stubborn Sophie fashion I rebelled against him and dug my heels in, refused to face reality.”

That’s what I do. Stupidly defiant even if it only hurts me too.

“All the while your hormones were going crazy and you were already miserable where you were. Oh, Sophie… So much you two had to contend with.” Sylvana pats my hand and smiles sympathetically with so much compassion.

“I’ve been really unfair, haven’t I?” That reality is like being sat on by a very large animal. Crushed by my own guilt and longing for my boy, right here beside me, right now. I would give anything for him by my side in this moment.

“I think you needed to make your own way to this conclusion and learn from it. That’s how we grow as people. You see where you lost your way and you take steps to fixing it. That’s how life works.”

Like an overwhelming release of mounting pressure, my brain almost pops with the effort and I am left feeling completely clear on one thing.

“I want Arrick.” I burst into heartfelt tears this time, emotions overwhelming me from all angles as it hits me hard. I wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to see me again. He should be here with me, hugging me, sleeping beside me and healing with me. Instead he’s nursing a broken heart and wounded pride because I told him I didn’t want him. Sylvana regards me seriously and squeezes my hand in hers purposefully.

“Then you have a choice. You either call him and wait for him to arrive, because you know he will come at the drop of a hat. Or you go to him and make things right and start taking a little responsibility in your relationship. Give and take, equal roles, Bambino.”

Sylvana is making it clear. Stop making him chase you when he’s not the one who should be groveling. Stop making Arrick the one who does all the leg work when things go wrong. Grow up, Sophie, and realize that he doesn’t owe it to you to always fix everything and do everything. None of this is his fault and it never was.

It’s about time I am there for him. Love is a two-way thing and for a long time I have made him keep appeasing me for his past mistakes.

Punishing him for how we started out and hurting me a long time ago and getting too used to having him run after me and always do what I want him to do. I’ve been abusing his devotion to me for so long I was blind to it.

Thinking about all of that. About how it feels to be wrapped up tight in that strong embrace, listening to his steady heartbeat; it hurts me so much with a pang of longing and loneliness.

“I want to go home and see my boy. I miss him. I love him.”