Chapter 185

I wake up in bed to the gentle strumming of what sounds like Arry’s guitar and blink in the darkness of the apartment bedroom. I crawled in here when I got back and willed myself to try and sleep in his absence and must have finally passed out.

I sit up and listen hard to what might have been a dream, but I hear it again, soft, distant like he’s playing his guitar but not near the couch where he would normally sit. I blink awake with the realization he may be home and pull myself upright to rub my face.

Without hesitation I get up and almost fall over the end of the bed in the unfamiliar space, head still used to our Paris bedroom in pitch blackness and curse myself out for being so ungraceful. I’m wearing one of his t-shirts, I needed the comfort when I got here and slide out expecting to see him on the couch but he’s not there.

The noise of a low melody draws my eyes to the long glass wall of the apartment behind the dining space and I catch sight of his silhouette on the rainy skyline. He has the throws and scatter pillows on the floor by the window and is sitting cross-legged strumming his guitar in the grey light of an early hour dawn as he looks out over the city. He looks haggard even from here and I hesitate about whether I should go over to him or not.

It’s obvious he wants solitude, but I can’t stand not being able to console him and touch him. I now understand why it’s so hard for him to give me my space when I need it. Your heart over rules your head and you want to be with them to fix it in any way you can. It’s agony to watch the one you love suffer when you feel powerless about it, a longing so bad to mend them.

I wander cautiously closer and recognize the song he’s strumming quietly, softly tugging the strings, so he doesn’t make a lot of noise and I wonder if it’s because he didn’t want me to come to him or if he didn’t want to wake me.

Arry’s playing one of his favorite songs and the lyrics I know so well are not lost on me. The Scientist by Coldplay, lingering in the air between us and I my heart hitches up in my throat. Emotion spiking inside of me and I wonder if this is his way of telling me something.

A song about falling apart and going back to the start. A song about parting, and I can’t take it anymore. it’s like the worst kind of message from someone’s heart that you never want to hear and it’s almost like I’ve already lost him.

Why else would he play this to himself? It’s totally a breakup song.

I can’t even begin to accept it at all or take this song as anything more than him playing songs he likes. I can’t. I’ll die if Arry doesn’t want to be with me anymore. We’re two halves of a whole, we make each other complete. He’s told me so a million times and I won’t let him push me out of his life after everything.

I won’t lose him, not now, not ever. I will fight for him.

I walk out into the space behind him and stand almost a foot from him before he looks up and sees me. He doesn’t stop strumming his guitar, but he falters when he catches sight of me in his t-shirt and naked legs. I know I must look like a kid in an oversized top, but I don’t care. Words stick in my throat as I hesitate, head swirling with so many things and panic gripping my insides. After a moment he stops and gazes at me sadly.

“I didn’t mean to wake you. I came over here, so I wouldn’t.” He looks back down and shifts his instrument to get comfier and goes back to strumming random chords. I cross my arms over my chest and for a second, despite our weirdness, I get a slight hint of hope that he seems less angry. More somber but not really as hostile as he was and maybe, just maybe I have a chance of talking him out of whatever this is.

“How’s your dad?” I edge forward and slowly kneel down on the edge of the throw bed he’s made on the floor and watch for signs of resistance, but he doesn’t seem to acknowledge me sitting down in front of him. I inch a tiny bit closer and nestle myself down in a bid to make it clear I’m staying.

“Okay. Well, he will be. They had to open a clogged valve in his heart, and they are working out treatments in the next few days to make sure he’ll be around for a few years more.” He sounds relieved, but he doesn’t look it. He seems exhausted and I wish he had come to bed when he got home instead of sitting out here inside his own head. I know what he’s like. He would have been sat here overthinking life, torturing himself over the past few weeks of not talking to his dad. Blaming himself.

I ache to wrap my arms around him and end up hugging myself tighter, pulling my legs under me to curl up while watching him focus on the strings as he keeps strumming away like he isn’t interested in me being here.

My hearts hammering through my rib cage, hands clammy and my mind prompting me to say something, anything to him to break this huge frozen wall that’s built between us, but my voice betrays me and won’t function. I sit and hopelessly look at him and feel like a massive failure in life. I should know how to do this for him. How to be a girlfriend, how to support him when he needs me.

“Go back to bed, Sophie.” He commands softly, and I know it’s a huge hint that he wants to be left alone. I’m obviously making him feel agitated with my silent sitting here and it wounds me. I get up automatically without thinking, bruised and scalded by his rejection and close to tears. Little kid Sophie, impulsively walking off instead of facing the problem, but my feet won’t move. An invisible barrier holding me still and urging me to stay.

My heart and soul are sitting three feet away from me, hurting and I am being completely shit at any sort of consoling or showing him what he means to me. He loves me, I know he does. Underneath all the hurt and doubts and chaos in that brain and I won’t let him drift further away. He can’t have lost how he feels about me in a matter of days after, eight years of infatuation. I need to stop being so immature. Swallow my pride and be brave for once. Take the lead, be what he needs even if he resists.

I step towards him instead of away and lean down to pull his guitar out of his hands impulsively. Scared to death of how he will react but determined to do this. He flinches with surprise as I whip it away and lay it down on the floor beside him carefully. He’s looking at me like I have lost my mind yet says nothing as I try to not let my nerves get the better of me.

I don’t stop to wait for an invitation, pull his arm out of his lap and climb onto it, straddling his crossed legs so we are chest to chest and wrap my arms around his neck to cradle my head against his chest. My legs tuck around behind his butt, so he is fully encircled by my body and I hold my breath for the reaction I know is probably coming, focusing on hugging him the best I can. It’s the only thing I know how to do for him, and I know what his cuddles do for me when I need consoling. I am praying this is enough of a start to fix what’s broken.

He stiffens and doesn’t move at my affectionate assault. Even though my body is shaking with adrenalin and fear, I refuse to back down and get off him. If he wants me to let go, he’s going to have to physically remove me and I don’t intend to make it easy for him.

I want to cuddle him and touch him and wrap myself all the way around him, whether he wants me to or not. He needs a hug and I am the most qualified person in the world to give it to him. He feels exactly like home for me. His body heat and unique Arrick smell surrounding me, and I screw my eyes tight as I cling on for dear life.

This is my place; this is my heart.

“What are you doing?” He breathes into the top of my hair, his arms still by his side and I only squeeze him more, closing my eyes tighter as I breathe him in and try to get lost in how he feels. I have missed him so much. I can’t remember the last time we held each other this way and it’s what I need.

“I’m giving you a hug, because I think you need one.” I sigh against his chest. Savoring the strong solid mass of my boy and how much his touch can change everything. I need him more than I think he knows, and I hope he still needs me too.

It seems like an eternity of strained silence, of hugging a statue before there’s a twinge of reaction from him. Slowly I feel him move, his abdomen tenses as his shoulders flex and my heart drops, feeling his body get ready to evict me from his. I hold my breath when his hands slide over my hips and softly cover them as he grips on. I’m waiting for the push, the old ‘get off me’ removal, but he doesn’t. Instead he snakes his hands around me and circles my body with strong arms before hugging me tight in against him bodily. Every inch of me molding to his snugly and he sinks his face down behind my head and breathes out slowly with a long exhale, like releasing pressure.

I pause, tears hitting the back of my eyes that he’s holding me too, so afraid to break the spell by saying anything. I have to fight the instant sob that tries to escape and cling to him desperately. My glimmer of hope that he might still want me. It feels so big I can’t control the pain it causes my heart and soul.

“Don’t hate me” I whisper sincerely, barely audible as I choke on feelings that are erupting within me. Face dampening with subtle tears. We hug, for what seems like minutes before he says anything. His voice tickling my skin delicately down the back of the shirt I have on.

“I don’t hate you. I love you. I just feel like it’s all one-sided, Sophs.” That revelation wounds me deep inside and I pull myself back, so I can push my nose against his. Tears trickling down my cheeks as I find his eyes in the dim light.

“It’s not one sided. I love you more than life, and I need you. I’ve been stupid, selfish, and broken. I would die without you. I can’t function when I’m not with you. I came home because I need you, always.” I press my forehead to his and cup his face with flat palms, aching to kiss him and heal inside. Needing more than anything to hear him say that we can fix this, we can still have a future. Arrick looks right back, so much hidden below the surface and I can’t read him at all.

“You let me down.” He utters and although his tone is more of a statement than accusation, like a knife in the chest and I nod at him.

“I know I did.” Tears bite at me as more roll down my face and I jump a little when his fingers touch my cheek to wipe some away.

“You have to learn to trust me. I’m not sleeping with Amanda. Nothing’s going on there, nothing ever will.” He looks me straight in the eye and I nod again.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Heart pounding with the relief that he’s letting me in, that his wall is coming down slowly.

“I can’t always be the strong one when things get tough; sometimes I need to be able to lean on you, or all of this, it won’t work.” Arrick lifts me up a little and pulls my pelvis to sit against his more snugly so he can wrap his arms around me low down. Still nose to nose, still an emotional wreck but I am slowly calming down with the realization that he’s not done with us yet. I feel like sobbing in sheer relief and my inside are fit to bursting with how he is making me feel.

“I swear I will learn; I will try.” And I mean it with every fiber of my soul.

“We need to grieve together… The baby was real. We’re hurting, but we will get through it.” He sounds determined and his strength makes my heart crumble fully. I press our noses together and angle, so we are practically lip to lip. Arrick’s hands come up and slide into my hair, cupping my face so he can hold me close and rest our faces against one another a little more intimately. “No more pushing me away.” He says it sternly and I shake my head, more tears falling freely and willing to agree to just about anything he asks of me right now.

“I promise.” It’s so breathy it’s barely audible.

“We’re better together, we always have been. We need to learn how to handle shit when things get hard. We need to figure out how to be stronger for the next hurdle.” He frowns at me, overcome emotionally too and his eyes mist over a little like mine as I nod.

“We will.” I swear on my life that I will try my hardest.

“We also need to figure out what is happening with this.” He lets go of my face and catches my hand, pulling up the finger with my engagement ring as he runs his thumb over it, and I close my own around his tightly.

“I don’t want to cancel our wedding, I never did. I still want to marry you. I know it won’t fix us and it’s dumb to even still want it to go ahead so soon, but I want to be yours always. I never want to lose you.” My insecurity peeking through and he finally leans in and kisses me. Tension severed and I sag into him.

Soft slow and gentle. A grazing of lips that make the last ounces of me explode. Heart soaring as he teases his mouth against mine and finds my face with his fingers again to cup my cheek and get me closer. His kiss restores the parts of my soul that have been bleeding for days and I sink into it to let myself get lost in how right this always felt. An eruption of fireworks and low churning ache in my stomach that we really are okay. That Arrick still wants me the way I want him.

When he finally pulls back, wrapped up in each other and still a hair width apart, he sighs heavily.

“Let’s just do it. Fuck everything and have something good come out of this year before it’s over. We can work out the kinks along the way. I’m tired of all the shit that always stops us being happy. Let’s be dumb and spontaneous for once in our lives.” He leans up and kisses me on the forehead as I wrap myself back around his neck and refuse to let go.

“I like that idea.” Even if sense is telling me it’s crazy, considering the turbulent few months we have had. “On one condition.” I add in afterthought as he rubs his thumb over my bottom lip and pulls me close again with the intention of another kiss, I stop him with a palm on his chest and he frowns at me.

“What is it?” He looks worried, brushes back my hair and gazes at me as though the sun and moon really do rise and fall in my face. I don’t think I have ever felt such giddy relief in seeing him look at me the way he is doing right now. That glimpse of indifference and lack of love for me in the past few hours terrified me to death. I don’t think I would ever function again if he ever stopped looking at me the way he is doing now.

“Rip up your resignation… Make amends with your dad. He loves you, Arry, more than you know and your family business is important to not only him, but us. For you to still be a part of what he’s building, to hand down to your own kids too. Our kids. You need it… You need that drive, that focus in life. You won’t be happy otherwise. After what’s happened with him tonight, you need to still have that time with him as much as you can.”

His fight career will dwindle down one day, and he will be left with nothing but time and regret to fill his days. I want his happiness. I want him to still be a part of the world in which he belongs.

“You’re a hard act to refuse, you know that, Sophie Huntsberger.” He sounds more normal and second by second the layers of closed off and distant are peeling away. I can feel the tension dropping out of him as he relaxes with me.

He swings me sideways, so I end up on my back on the fluffy floor with a squeal at the sudden maneuver. He gets on top of me slowly, leaning his weight into me until he’s got us both comfy, face to face while flat on my back.

“You wouldn’t be happy with an easy life… It’s not in you.” I tease him softly and trace that gorgeous face with inquisitive fingers. Amazed at how one person can take you from empty devastation to safe and loved in one mood change. I really am hopeless for him and my entire happiness depends on him always being in my life this way.

“It wouldn’t have been the end… You know that, right? I was pissed and hurting, but I would never let you go. I need you to know that. I need you to hear it from me after how I acted.” He looks remorseful and it twinges at my heart strings.

“I wasn’t so sure.” I admit painfully, honestly and he brings down his nose to mine. Hos eyes narrowing as the green pops out more.

“I told you once before, didn’t I? That no matter how big it feels, how broken we seem … I will never walk away from you for anything in the world. You are a part of me. The best part, even if sometimes you make me crazy. I may get mad and act like a jerk, say stupid shit I don’t mean, but I will always come for you. Always want you.” He traces my necklace around my neck and pulls the little puzzle pendant to sit in the dip on my throat before leaning down and kissing me right there. “You’re the missing piece of my heart. You make it beat. You make me whole.”

I close my eyes to the feel of him against my neck and wrap my arms around his neck once more. Consumed with so many emotions all at once as my eyes glaze over.

I love you more than life, Arrick Carrero.

“It’s hard to believe when I go and break everything to pieces.” I smile remorsefully when he comes back up to look me in the eye once more. Tracing the tear which rolls down my cheek before he kisses that away too.

My gentle Arry is back with me in all his glory and I have never felt more complete in my life. I need this part of him more than air. I never knew how badly until this very second.

“Well I happen to be good at gluing things back together. You’ve given me a lot of practice.” He smiles cheekily and this time dips in for a kiss on the mouth that blows my mind and ends anymore conversation.