Chapter 184

We are in a cab on the way to Lenox hill hospital in the upper east side and Arrick is straining forward on his knees as he texts Jake. His body rigid and huge neon signals that say he needs silence and space.

All he’s told me before whisking me in here is that his father collapsed and was rushed into hospital as a possible heart attack victim. Arrick is pale and quiet, meaning he’s reverted inside of his head and I have no clue how to react. My body churning with worry over Giovanni and torn about how to be there for Arry.

It makes sense that he would go tell his PA he was leaving his own do and I feel guilty that I jumped to conclusions in the bar. We’re sitting apart, not touching and I am getting the strong vibe he doesn’t want me to even try.

He’s lost in his brain, thinking about his dad, and probably tearing himself apart with the fact they have not been talking to one another since he resigned. I wish I had the words or the know how to make this better for him, but the reality is, I don’t. I don’t know what to do or say to have any sort of effect and I sit here numbly quiet, turning this mess over and over in my head.

He won’t be thinking about us right now, he will be obsessing over his dad and all the possible outcomes and driving himself insane. He loves his dad so much and even though it’s been tense between them, he will fall apart if Giovanni doesn’t pull through.

Nothing drives it home more than this moment that the world doesn’t revolve around just me and my problems. That Arrick’s whole focus in life is not on us and me. All year he has been juggling everything while I got to walk away and live in a little closed off cocoon of Arrick and Sophie. Where it seemed like everything was bigger than it was. The real truth is that we are so very small in the grand scheme of our whole lives and the people we love, and I have spent a year dramatizing and acting like I was losing so much and failing to see how much I actually had.

Now that I am faced with really losing it all.

“He’s in surgery.” Arrick blurts out absentmindedly, catching me as I gaze at the back of that sandy head and clear my throat to answer him.

“Surgery? I thought he had a heart attack?” I lean forward to be closer to him, but he leans back in his seat and makes it clear he isn’t in the mood for touchy feely. I don’t visibly react but my heart sinks at that tiny reaction.

“Jake said they took him straight into surgery to do something to his heart valve. He hasn’t really had a chance to talk to anyone as they rushed him straight in.”

It must have happened so fast. Jake was only on his way to his meeting before he dropped me here, so either Giovanni was already in distress when Jake got there, or it happened right away. I feel sick to my stomach with the thought of anything happening to Giovanni. He’s part of my family, my stability even if we are not as close as I am to Sylvana. I can’t even imagine how Arry feels.

He’s so closed off and so far away from me right now. I get to see what he was dealing with on the other side of things, this is exactly what I did to him when we lost our baby. It’s horrible, like mental cruelty and I did this to him.

***

We are ushered into a beige waiting room flanked by cream leather couches and Jake jumps up as soon as he sees us, coming forward to hug his brother before hugging me. He looks awful and it really drives home how scared they are that Giovanni might die. My stomach lurches with the thought.

“What’s happening?” Arrick sits with him on the couch right away and I am left to sit on the far side of the room alone. Jake glances my way with a hint of question but doesn’t say anything.

“They are opening a heart valve or artery or something… I don’t even know. I got to our meeting and everything was chaotic. Restaurant already had an ambulance there and he was being lifted to a stretcher. It happened so fast.” Jake sounds shaky and vulnerable and as they both sit close together, like book ends. There’s no disguising the fear in both of their faces.

“What about Mom?” Arrick glances my way absentmindedly and even though I throw him a soft look he turns away to Jake again without reaction.

“She won’t get here for a couple hours. I had to send the jet back for her.”

They both fall silent and it’s eerily calm, the sound of a ticking clock over my own rapid heartbeat and heavy breathing.

“Do you both want coffee? I can go find a machine?” I butt in hopelessly; not sure what else I should be doing. I’m so out of my depth, like they need alone time or something and Jake smiles warmly.

“Sure, that would be great. Do you need money?” He gets up to put his hand in his pocket, but I wave my shoulder bag at him that’s been across my body this whole time.

“I got it.” I glance down at Arrick who seems to be daydreaming at his own hands. Oblivious to me and it isn’t lost on me that I have never been a ‘nothing’ to him before. In all the years of knowing him, I always had his attention, even during parties and crowds. Him blanking me a foot away is like a slap around my head.

“Do you want coffee? Arrick?”

Jake looks down at him too and nudges him with his knee, snapping Arrick out of his zombie state and he blinks at me weirdly.

“What?”

“She says do you want her to fetch a coffee for you?” Jake seems to be quickly summarizing the vibes between us and trying to help.

“Yeah, sure.” Arrick goes back to his hands and even though I catch Jake’s eyes narrowing at his brother, I turn on my heel and head off in search of a vending machine or cafeteria in this place. It’s a private hospital and I’m sure they must have some place to get decent coffee.

I need to occupy myself with doing, rather than thinking and not to take anything that’s happening between us at face value right now. Arrick is in distress and I have to understand that.

I end up walking the corridor for a few minutes before a nurse redirects me to a tiny kitchen area with an array of machines and a real coffee pot. It doesn’t take long to make them their drinks as they both take them pretty black with a dash of cream and nothing else and I carry them back to the room slowly for fear of sliding on the polished cream floor. The hospital is creepily quiet and looks like every other one I have ever been in. Sterile, cream, and bland with an array of warren like hallways.

When I finally wander back into the waiting room there is only Arrick, standing by a window looking out into the darkness and I hesitate for a moment.

“Where’s Jake?” I break his trance and he turns to look at me, before coming and relieving me from both mugs, laying one on a low table before going back to where he was before.

“Calling Emma. All we can do is wait until we have news. It could be hours.” He sips his coffee and then lays it down on the windowsill and leans against the white painted frame. His body sagging, and I wish I had the courage to walk over and hug him.

“Right. You have to be positive though, he’s in the best place and he’s a fighter. Your dad is strong and stubborn, and he won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.” I move closer, but he tenses, and I can’t stand this anymore. I get that he’s mad and hurting but even back when we were just best friends, he never had a problem with me touching him. My head falls apart and the only reason staring me in the face is that he has touched someone else.

“Are you seeing Amanda?” I blurt it out stupidly, insecurity peeking out and he goes rigid. Holding my breath as I watch that jawline tighten and that tiny muscle twitch almost untraceable and subtle. He takes a heavy breath then pinches the bridge of his nose with his finger and thumb for a second to compose himself before he turns and glares at me.

“Really?” The accusation in his tone and the way he looks so fed up with all of this make it painfully clear that I am way off base with this and made things worse. My heart flutters and I go into fast backtrack in complete panic.

“I’m sorry… I’m stupid… I…” I falter, heart rate elevating and instantly panicking at my own dumbness.

“Just go home. I’ll come back when I know what’s happening with my dad. It’s pointless you being here, and I don’t need this.” He cuts me off and dismisses me again, going back to look out of the window. I could slap myself for bursting out and accusing him, but I am literally going out of my mind with this. It’s agony being on the side of wanting to get into someone’s head and I now know why it made him so crazy.

“Are we over?” I can’t leave without knowing. Falling apart, and I need to know where I stand. It’s sheer desperation clawing at my heart. Arry sags and sighs, glancing back to look at me and he looks exhausted.

“I don’t know what we are, and I don’t have the emotional energy for any of this. Go back to the apartment. Give me some time to deal with one thing at a time. I’m begging you, Sophie.”

I don’t want to go and sit for endless agonizing hours, but this is futile. He’s right. He’s not here with me and he won’t be until his dad sees him. Or at least knows he’s okay. He doesn’t want me near him so all I will do is sit on a cold couch all night in silence and I don’t think my nerves can take it.

I hesitate, thinking about arguing over this and realize I shouldn’t. I should do what he asks and give him his space. Isn’t that what I kept asking him for in Paris and then got mad when he couldn’t leave me alone? That’s what I’m doing. Hovering, fussing over him and teetering insecurely instead of letting him be. Now at least I know how it had to be for him and drop my chin to my chest sadly.

“I guess, I’ll see you when I see you?” I can’t conceal how upset I am, but he doesn’t react. He stares out into the darkness outside and wills me to go.

I know where I’m not wanted, and I leave without making any more of a fuss. Try not to make this worse for myself as I drop my chin to my chest, turn and leave quietly without a backwards glance.