Chapter 59

“All I know is that without you in my life, Sophs, I fall apart, and everything just sucks. I can’t seem to pull myself together, and that raises some major fucking questions as to what Natasha is to me.” His face crumbles, fusing brow over lost boy eyes and the heaviest sigh ever.

My heart almost stops beating, my voice caught in my throat at this confession of sorts, and I no longer know what to do, or what to say. Tears start free falling down my face as Arrick gently wipes them away with soft fingertips. Watching me, agony mirrored in his expression.

“What do you want from me?” I blurt out, unsure what to even think or feel anymore, heart constricting with the return of my pain and suffering.

This is what I wanted, wasn’t it?

Then why does it still feel like he’s pushing me away?

“I don’t even know. I don’t know how to feel or what to do. That’s the honest truth. All I know is that when Jake called me today and told me you were missing, the world stopped turning. I couldn’t breathe, and I dropped everything to start looking for you. I walked out on Natasha during a fight and haven’t been home all day; she only knows I’m looking for you. I just needed to know you were okay, that you were safe. I just needed to find you.” Arrick seems to struggle with the closeness and steps back again, dragging air into his lungs heavily, screwing up his face as though battling something in his head and rubs his hand up the back of his neck and hair in agitation. “I didn’t think beyond finding you, and I never intended to say any of this to you. All this shit wasn’t why I looked for you. I just wanted you home and safe, to know where you were, and that you weren’t out there alone with some idiot hurting you. I couldn’t get it out of my head that you needed me and wouldn’t call me.” He seems broken, making my heart break too, but still, the nagging doubts in my heart are pushing me in so many directions.

“But Arrick.... You told me you didn’t feel that way about me though, you were so sure. I can’t understand how you can go from that to this. How you can say you don’t feel that way and then do a complete turnaround?” Clutching, trying to get my head around it and really not doing it well. Brain slowly rehashing everything he has said, and really verbalizing to process. Grasping at straws.

“I was wrong! It was a knee-jerk reaction because of how many things about this are wrong. This is so fucking complicated. You and I; there are like a million moral reasons why I shouldn’t see you in any other way, so many boundaries this crosses. It’s not exactly easy to realize that the kid I was so sure was like a little sister to me, is someone I can even contemplate wanting in that way. You have no idea how messed up my own head is with every fucking little detail of why this isn’t right. It’s You... Mio Mimmo, my Sophs. My sidekick, my Robin, and my best friend. My brother is your godfather for God’s sake, and you’re the adopted kid of a family that has been an extension of my own since I was born. I put you on the very firm side of platonic, and put up a million boundaries so long ago, mentally shelved you on the ‘never go there’ and ‘never see you in any other way’ pile.” He rubs his face with both palms roughly, giving me space, yet again, and so obviously in turmoil. “You trust me, everyone trusts me when it comes to you. How can I cross that boundary? That’s without even getting to the fact that I have a girl who loves me, sitting in my apartment right now, and completely trusts that I would never hurt her like this.” He’s more ravaged with every word out of his mouth, suddenly so clear as to why his head is in the throes of world war three and he’s acting like a guy going out of his mind.

“I … I don’t know what you expect me to say.” I’m completely bewildered as it runs through me, calming my tears and instead of pain or fear, or even confusion, I just feel weirdly detached. Like this is all some dream and I no longer have a connection to my emotions. I think I may be in shock, like all of this has gotten too much to absorb, so my mind has taken a timeout, or my heart has. I’m so disconnected.

Arrick picks my bag off the floor and puts it back on his shoulder, running hands down his face and exhaling slowly, as though somehow trying to regain control of this situation.

“Let’s just get to my apartment, Sophs, take one thing at a time. Deal with your family and this mess you created and worry about us later.” He sounds exhausted, defeated and I am so not ready to have this conversation swiped away.

“You can’t just hit me with this then drop it.” I snap at him, aware of the hypocrisy in that statement.

“I can’t deal with this right now; I don’t have answers or a solution. Natasha is waiting in my apartment, with no clue as to where I am, other than looking for you. I have a life and a relationship. I never thought I would find myself torn between two women I love like this. What do you want me to say? I’m an asshole? Yes, I fucking am. I never thought I would find myself contemplating even kissing you, let alone fucking up my life, or the life of my girlfriend, over it.” He raises his palms in desperation, his face ashen and crushed. I am a little stunned with the way he phrases it, as though he actually thought about throwing everything away for me.

“Do you really want to be taking me back to your girlfriend after this little conversation?” I shake my head at him, completely bewildered in some sort of dream state that this might be an alternate reality.

“She knows nothing about this, about us. Not yet. I haven’t been able to figure out how the hell I’m going to tell her any of this yet. I can’t just turn off feelings and throw her aside after eighteen months of my life with her. I need time to figure this out and get my head straight, you know, that thing you keep asking for. She knows something’s wrong; we keep fighting over how I’m being, and I can’t blame her. We’re on a break, I asked her for time to get my head out of my ass and some time to be single, to think things through. It’s the least I could do, not carry on like everything is okay when it’s clearly not.” He reaches out to me, gesturing for my hand as though trying to get us moving, but I only stick them in my pockets and walk past him with my chin in the air. A little unsure how I should take the revelation that he has currently broken up with the woman I thought he would be with forever. I just feel prickly right now, and maybe I need a little processing time too.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be touching me a whole lot anymore. Especially it’s not so innocent now.” I snap childishly, leading the way to the bank of elevators. Arrick doesn’t respond, he just follows me and walks into the first one that opens. I follow him in and press the ground floor button as he moves to the corner and slumps into it. I can feel his eyes on me, but I ignore him. Somehow rage has found its way crawling back up inside of me, to try and dominate. I have no idea why I am even so fucking angry, like every mood I ever have. Zero logic and I’ll be damned if I know how to dissect this one. All I know is I’m mad, pissed as hell, and it’s aimed at him.

“I like your hair, not sure about the color, I always loved your natural blonde hair, but the cut suits you. You look beautiful, Sophs. I almost didn’t recognize you at first.” He sounds sheepish, trying to make polite conversation to calm the atmosphere, I guess. I turn and give him a doubtful look. Not sure how to behave around him now, that hint of hostility still brewing inside of me.

“I wanted drastic changes. Tired of the old me and the way people treat me.” I answer flatly. Arrick frowns, the silence stretching between us as it seems to take an age to reach the ground floor.