Chapter 94

It’s almost dawn and I’m lying on my bed. I’ve barely slept, waiting for him to come back, with a million thoughts running through my brain, tormenting me into oblivion. His phone is here, not smashed thankfully, despite it hitting a marble floor. At some point I regained enough sense to wander over and pick his things up, like a mute zombie trying to find something to do besides stare at a closed elevator. I left them on the kitchen counter. I paced like crazy, cried myself sick with heartbreak, disappointed in myself then ended up in here hoping to try and sleep.

I’m wretched and anxious and all I keep seeing is that ragged torn look on her face, as though I had just slayed her entire family with a dirty spoon, right before her eyes. All I keep thinking about is the way he ran after her, like it was all that mattered and left me here to be alone. The excruciating pain that causes me. To ponder what is even happening anymore.

His actions told me loud and clear, I never really came close to what they have, whether I understand it or not. He chose to go after her, when the choice was thrown in his lap and his instincts took over. I can’t stop turning that over in my head. Like a torturous agony that rips my mind to shreds.

I’m empty and numb, exhausted, and cried out, and don’t have it in me to do anything else except stare into space in a semiconscious state.

A noise at the outer door has me sitting up sharply, ears tuned to the ping of the elevator that we somehow missed earlier, shuffling, and then the swish as the doors close, leaving someone clearly moving through the foyer. I hear the footsteps, of shoes on marble, slowly yet definitely walking.

I’m out of bed in a flash, running to meet him, heart rate instantly zooming and I skid to a halt outside my door as I catch sight of him, walking through to the lounge then turning at his bedroom door. Both of us seem to freeze as we come face to face, yet still feet apart. Seeing him makes my chest cave inwards, overwhelmed with the urge to run to him and throw my arms around him tight. I need the harbor for my soul he has always been.

He’s tired and disheveled, his pallor pale and eyes dark with fatigue, hair messy and clothes crumpled. I move out further to stand outside my door, taking him in with questioning glances, not caring that I’m in my skimpy semitransparent tank and lace panties. Not when just hours ago I was naked in front of him with his hands, and mouth, on this body. He skims my attire and is instantly overcome with an almost painful expression.

“Go cover up. I don’t need this right now.” His voice is hoarse and raspy, and he moves to open his own bedroom door as though dismissing me. He’s closed up, emotions hidden and even a little icy towards me, as though somehow this is my fault.

“Arry?” I call gently, tears finding a new lease of life and welling up in my throat, halting him as he goes to walk in. He stops, stiffening instantly as he sighs heavily, his body seeming to deflate.

“Go back to bed. I don’t want to do this now.” There’s something in his demeanor sending off alarm bells, panic rising inside of me, desperately and painfully. Like a sixth sense that I already know… already feel it. Hanging there between us.

“Do what?” I choke, knowing in the pit of my stomach that I’ve been laid all night waiting to hear the words I really don’t want to hear. I knew this was coming, knew all along that she always had more of him than I could ever hope for. No matter what happened between us, there’d still been a tiny little ray of hope that maybe, just maybe, he loved me enough to change things. Going after her tonight was all that I needed to see, to kill that tiny light dead. In turn, killing a part of me too.

“Sophs, please.” His voice drops and he makes to move again. He can’t seem to look at me, his distance hurting me badly and making me feel worthless and cheap. I never had him, not in that way.

“You’re going back to her, aren’t you? Despite what she saw, she loves you enough to still want you?” the tears fill my eyes before I even see the answer in his face. Accusation in my voice that comes out pathetic and childlike, and I hate that I reverted to this.

“She thinks we can get past this. I told her everything, all of it.... Even the kisses before. This … Us ... It never started, and it won’t. Not now I’ve seen how much damage it can do to someone I love. It’s not worth the pain I’m causing her.” Arrick has closed that brain, thinking through all the logical decisions to try and keep everyone happy and pushing his heart to one side. Or maybe he really does love her so much more than he could ever love me, I really was just a new shiny toy for him. A moment of ‘what if’ and ‘the grass is greener’.

I shake my head, refusing to believe that it’s true, trying to sum up everything I know about him, and why he would choose this. My mind a chaos of agony and hysteria.

He wanted me, he peeled my clothes open and pushed it further than a kiss, he did that, not me. He would have made love to me if she hadn’t shown up, I’m sure of it. I was there, I felt it, I was so sure of it. I refuse to believe that there is nothing inside of him that doesn’t want me as much as her. Everything about how he was tonight screaming that he cares about me that way.

“What about me? What about my pain?” I start bawling, as it hits home that he’s telling me this is over, and I know he means every word. I know how set in that stubborn head he can be when he decides something important. He isn’t going to ever get his head out of his ass and give me a chance, he’s back peddling. Despite everything he said, everything he feels when he kisses me. He’s pushing me away. So he doesn’t have to be the bad guy who destroys Natasha’s heart, because he thinks that’s more important, deluded that he can keep both of us without ever having to choose. He doesn’t want to lose either of us and this is his stupid compromise.

“You’re stronger than she is, you proved it when you cut me off once before. You have more ability to bounce back; this is nothing, Sophs. Some crazy fucked up grass is greener bull shit, and this will mean nothing to you in years to come We’ll move past it and be like before. We’ve overcome worse together.” He splays his hands in agitation, bristling with emotion that I can’t read and refusing to look at me. I’m rooted to my spot, like the earth is opening up to slowly swallow me whole. “This was infatuation, maybe lust, something new and exciting and a lot of what ifs. I got caught up in it, bored with my relationship I guess, and we both know it will never work. We would never work this way. Love isn’t meant to be this hard, and with you, it would be because to get this to work we have to hurt people, hurt her. Think of how this would look to everyone; what would your family think? They would question every second I have ever spent with you in the last few years, question trusting me and what exactly we’ve been doing together alone… every trip, every sleep over. You were a kid … I wasn’t. All people will see is that I took advantage, and I’m manipulating you to need me this way. That I groomed you and probably abused you all these years.” He turns away from me, that analytical crazy head of his spewing nonsense and grasping for more reasons to justify his decision. He’s rambling, scared, and lashing out because he’s angry at himself for hurting Natasha.

“How can you say that? Don’t be stupid.” I sob, coming to him and closing the gap desperately, grabbing onto his arm like some pitiful needy girl. My heart shredding, knowing this isn’t just a decision to choose her in life, it’s a decision to end us.

Not just this... But all of it. He is making it clear that there’s not going to be room in his life for me anymore. How could there be? Now she knows, now she saw us. If he wants her in his life, then she won’t allow me to come close ever again. I know him, he’ll do everything in his power to fix his mistakes, even if that includes promising to never see me again. And she will… he’s naïve to not see this. I’ll be the first thing she makes him cut off.

“Because I would have to live with knowing I had to destroy the heart of someone as sweet and loving as her, to be with you. I can’t do it. I promised her a life; I told her I loved her a long time ago. This was just some spur of the moment thing that will die just as quickly. Sex, Sophs, that’s what this came down to, an attraction of the forbidden. We’re more than this.” Arrick tries to remove my hands from his arm, avoiding my gaze, even though his voice has gotten hoarser and his breathing shallower. While I’m falling to bits. Breathing rapidly as panic sets in and kills me from inside out.

“You don’t mean it! You can’t say that to me, you’re just scared and tired, hungover.” I ramble trying to curl my fingers into his clothing, tears streaming down my face pitifully as my soul is wrenched out, sniffing back the mess pouring out of my body. Arrick grabs my wrists and gives me a sharp vicious tug.

“Stop it, Sophie, for fucks’ sake. Stop it. I can’t deal with this or with you this way.” He yells at me, silencing me with the shock of it and drops my hands in front of me harshly. Glaring at me with a stony face and narrowed eyes, brows crushing his expression. “I didn’t want to do this now, but you pushed it, and it’s come out like this and made everything fucking worse.... … I’ll find you a hotel until we sort out an apartment, I think it’s best if we both have some space for a while to cool off and get some perspective. Let you get started in school and settled in while I” .... … He trails off, staring at the ceiling to avoid looking at me once more, sighing as though his life has completely gone to shit. Lost with how to deal with the problem that is Sophie, like is always the same in the end. Always going to be that puzzle with the missing piece that he forever tries to fill in and fails. I have no place in his life anymore.

I’m instantly numb, standing with wet cheeks, but no fresh tears after he shocked me to a standstill; the part of my heart that always disables crippling pain, moving in to protect me with steel walls and cold emptiness. Like a welcome friend draping a blanket around my body.

“While you play happy families with your girlfriend and forget all about me.” I wipe my tears off my chin with the back of my hand, suddenly calm, heart closing up and demeanor icing over. I glare at him hatefully. Heart wounded deeply, but my pride is unwilling to let him ruin me again, ever, ever again. I lift that defiant chin and stare him down as though he means nothing to me anymore.

Taking one last heavy deep breath of resignation, I turn on my heel impulsively and start to walk away, not going to keep making a scene, to my bedroom without looking back, pulling myself together. My heart too full of shearing pain to do this anymore. He’s broken me for the last time and he’s never going to be what I need. Not anymore. We’re just fooling ourselves that we can ever come back from this. Batman and Robin, Catwoman, whatever the fuck…. need to walk on opposing paths from now on.

“Sophs?” It’s a soft almost desperate whisper from him, like he hesitates, but I ignore it. Knowing all this is futile. We lost who we were the first time I told him how I really felt and this since, has just been an agonizing game of bullshit and tears for me that I can’t take anymore. Part of me is relieved that he’s making me walk away. I should have kept it that way from the start, never let him in to do this to me and stuck to the plan of getting over him. It’s so much worse than anything I’ve ever endured in the past.

Arrick is lost inside his own head, his decisions are final. He isn’t the type to let emotion cloud his logic when that cold manner moves in. Too busy always trying to juggle everyone’s happiness and ignoring his own. Even if he kills me along with it. I used to be the center of everything and now, he doesn’t seem to care that everything he does is wounding me to the core. That’s not the Arry I love. I don’t even think I like this version of him, let alone love him. I’m worth more.

I’m sure he loves me in some small way, deep down inside somewhere, but he is so far entrenched in denial that I know I have no chance. I don’t have the energy to fight it out of him, and why should I? This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I deserve more, and I’m just beginning to see it.

Jake chased Emma to the end of the world for her heart … Arry won’t. That’s what I need to remember. He chased her … not me.

Just because I love him doesn’t mean he deserves me.

“I’ll be gone by the time you get up. I’m sure I can find my own hotel and you can send on the rest of my stuff on. I’ll be Jake’s problem now. I’m not going back to crashing with friends and turning into some drunken idiot, so you needn’t worry. I’ll do fine without you like I intended. I don’t need you anymore. It’s time I grew the fuck up!” I answer him coldly, good old Sophie pushing him away at a hundred miles an hour and presenting that bitch face to the world, so they never know they’ve struck me down.

Only this isn’t angry, lashing out while my heart screams for the polar opposite. I mean it. I need more, I need someone who will move mountains to be with me and I know I will never move on with him in my life, never get from him what my soul needs.

He says nothing, just lets me walk to my room, close the door, and shut him out. Silently. I know this will be the last time I see him. I’ll get up early and go. He won’t stick around to see or even try to stop me either. He has a girlfriend to win back and I am just a thorn in that relationship that has no place in his life anymore.

End of Book One – Book Two follows on.