Chapter 24 Pain Appears In Many Forms

**This chapter is dedicated to my best friend and rock and the literal person who I based Jack McCash off of, Abby. We've been friends for over a decade and she has always been so involved and supportive with my work and made me realize that this could mean something to someone. I had a hard time trying to navigate what to do and how to help when her mental health deteriorated, and she actually found comfort in reading a character going through similar feelings and thought processes as hers, and appreciated seeing how loved he still was despite all the pain. Writing about the subject of mental health is a very delicate thing but is so necessary. I spent a lot of time getting through this chapter myself making sure nothing comes across as forced or misrepresented or even romanticized because as I and so many others know, mental health problems should not be trendy or exploited.

With that being said, this chapter contains mature themes and if you are easily triggered by conversations of mental health and self harm and/or imagery of self harm, I highly suggest you don't read this chapter. The next chapter will also have some brief mentions but overall you can get through the story without reading this one. I love you all and if you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reach out to me or a trusted adult or friend or family member.**

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It's been a week since my first training session with Jasmine and Mavis. It's also been a week since we took a risk and decided that the former head of the base could've been the one coming after me... and to my surprise this place has been silent.

There's been a weird almost dark feeling in the air these past couple days. Slowly, the volume of places like the commons or the cafeteria, dimmed to an unnaturally calm murmur.

I thought I was honestly just being a little crazy... just afraid that things were changing.

But then, even my group started to grow quieter. Ethan and Mavis remained the same but I could tell Mavis was trying to keep her head above water and be peppy for me. Her eyes were less bright and I swear even her hair seemed less vibrant.

Jack hasn't even been sleeping in our room.

I try to stay up as long as I can hoping I'll hear his key in the door but it never comes. I sleep on his bed hoping I'll wake up to the groan of the mattress but I only wake up with a new day to deal with and no sign of Jack.

Today... today was especially bad. Ominous, even. People didn't look at me as I passed down hallway after hallway as if I'm suddenly invisible. The air was cold and thick with tension and heavy with this feeling like dread. No one showed up to our usual table today and since it was just so quiet, empty, and just awkward, I skipped breakfast and went back to my room.

I was painfully aware of how loud my footsteps sound in an abandoned commons.

I sped up as I rounded the corner to my room and felt my heart stop when it didn't open. Someone was inside and purposely locked me out.

"What?" I tried to laugh it off and tried again but it still didn't budge.

'Jack?' I tried lurking but if he didn't answer then I won't even know if I did it right or if I'm just thinking his name to myself.

Of course he didn't answer that.

I just... don't understand.

I backed away from the door and felt for my key when out of the corner of my eye I saw Jasmine slowly walking down the hall.

"Hey," I said, it bouncing off the walls around me.

She ignored me but turned around but I wasn't in the mood for this right now.

I called after her and jogged down the hall, before I could grab her wrist she turned around and I had to slam on the breaks to keep from running into her tall body.

"No training today. Go away," She said with the same dark tone as always.

"Where is everyone? And I mean everyone."

She shrugged, "In their rooms. I don't know everything."

"Jasmine I'm kind of freaked out I'm not trying to bother you but this is just-"

She narrowed her eyes down at me, "Of course you don't know I mean why would you." She shook her head, "Today does not concern you. You're not an Insurgent and you're not a rebel. So back off."

She began to walk away but I cleared my throat, "You know what I'm sick and tired of you talking to me like you could step on me and squish me. I didn't do anything to you."

She stopped and turned around, "You picked the wrong day to mess with me Ayla Gordon they might all love you but I don't give a shit if you found a way to wrap yourself around everyone's finger."

I blinked and shook my head, "Can you just tell me what's going on I asked you a normal question. I haven't seen Jack in days-"

"And he doesn't want to see you!" She screamed at me and I quickly covered my ears.

"If you know what's good for you you will stay away from him and stay away from his room so he can cope," Her voice broke which only made her facial expression angrier.

I shook my head, "What?"

Jasmine sneered at me, "It's Eveline's anniversary. Do whatever you want with that information since it doesn't apply to you but leave him alone to do his thing."

"Jack needs friends today and you are purposely avoiding him?"

She just stared at me. "I bet you don't know a whole lot about what pain does. How it affects people differently, do you?" Her voice was softer, lower, and it send shivers throughout my body.

"You love being alive and you love having all these hopes and dreams, I don't even need to get inside your head to see that. No wonder he likes you so much."

I gulped, "I'm not sure what's going on..."

She stepped closer to me, our chests nearly touching. "I'm telling you right now if you walk through that door you're not going to like what you find."

"He's in pain-"

"So am I! So is everyone else!"

I backed away as she stomped down the hallway without another word. Her yelling left the air hot and created a weight on my chest that I couldn't shake. What was she talking about? Why would she purposely ignore her friend on a day he might need the most comfort?

Were all of them avoiding Jack?

When I'm sad I hate being alone, I knew that for a fact. Jack is supposed to be able to rely on these people but it seems they're not there for him emotionally and that's not fair.

I went back to our room and put the key in the lock when I heard groaning on the other side of the door. My heart started racing as I slowly opened the door.

Jack was nowhere to be found but I heard the same groaning.

"Jack?"

I heard a yelp, "Get out." It didn't sound threatening, it sounded breathless and defeated.

I went to to the stairs that led down to Jack's parked car and saw his legs sticking out from under the deck.

This didn't feel right... I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I walked down the steps and watched his legs panic and shrivel up next to his body.

"Jack I know today is a very hard day for you and with the way you live, this pain isn't something you can ever forget. Not that you should forget but hearing all these things people say must be so unimaginably unbearable."

I rounded the corner of the car and stopped, staring at Jack slumped in a dark corner under the deck.

My eyes trailed down to something shining beside him. I couldn't tell what it was so I stepped closer but Jack yelled at me to go away and covered his face with his hands. He was shirtless and sweating.

A razor blade.

I felt my throat go dry and suddenly it clicked. He wore sleeves every single day, the same black shirts everyday even while he slept, every time he came to work out with us there was always a cuff on his left wrist that he said was for some torn muscle. And what Jasmine said...

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do about this... do I do something? Do I grab the blade or sit down next to him-

"I said get out!" He sobbed.

"Mavis..." I whispered. She'd know what to do. I slowly backed away.

"No no no Ayla please don't leave me alone I can't- I can't," Jack choked and dropped his hands. He was breathing through his mouth, his face bright red with beads of sweat dripping down his forehead and temples and mixing with the tears dampening his cheeks. "Oh god."

He broke into a string of sobs, his hands moving around his chest, hiding his skin, gripping his shoulders and holding himself.

"I couldn't do it this time." He wailed and let his head fall onto the brick wall. "I just couldn't-" His voice cracked and he cried out again making my heart stop and body flinch.

I closed my eyes and tried to tune out the crying. I don't know what to do- I never imagined that people actually did this to themselves.

I opened my eyes and slowly sat in front of him, my eyes on the razor blade that sat clean on the ground.

"Jack it's o-"

He cried out again and banged his head into the wall, "She's dead because of me," He sniffled, "They're all dead because of me." He bit his first and whimpered, closing his eyes.

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes... this was something I never would've imagined him doing. I knew he was in pain and that it was all too much for him... I knew he said it should've been him and that guilt was eating him alive.

"Jack that's not true," I said softly. "You are here for a reason, okay? No one died because of you, the choice was not in your hands. Terrible people made the choice to take your family away, that's what you told me when my parents were gone."

It felt like a good point but the wrong thing to say right now once it left my mouth. Jack's mother and father loved him... I remember the way his mom fought for him when my mother threatened the school if they didn't expel Jack. I remember how hard she cried but still fought and how she didn't even say anything rude back to my mother, that's the part that always stood out to me. Jack lost a family, I lost people that had the same titles but not the feeling that I know should come with family.

This wasn't about me. This was about Jack.

He's done too much for me to lose him.

"What do you want me to do-"

"I don't trust myself," He gagged. "Please don't leave me please don't go get Mavis."

I kicked the razor blade and watched it slide somewhere out of sight under the car. "Can I touch you."

He looked at me with glowing red eyes and lips in a thin mine, his face glimmered with wetness.

I slowly knelt down to the ground and pulled Jack towards me, laying his face in my chest where he instantly balled into the fabric of my shirt. His hands were shaking as they gripped the fabric and part of me wanted to break down in tears too but I knew I couldn't, I had to be there for my friend.

"I miss her so much," he croaked.

My fingers entangled themselves in his hair. "I know," I whispered. "Just take a deep breath."

I felt him inhale and his chest stutter from his sobbing. I hoped he couldn't hear how hard my heart was pounding.

He did this every year... they knew... and they let him.

I gave him a squeeze and let my back hit the wall with a sigh. "Just breathe..." I whispered.

I remembered when I first met him and how I put all Insurgents under one umbrella, all had to be evil. I remember how Jack even said he doesn't see himself as human and yet... I've seen the most good and human people I've ever met here. I realized now that being an Insurgent doesn't make you bad or inhuman, it's if you let go of your humanity.

What makes people human? Is it the choices they make or how they interact with others? Did they all see being human as the equivalent to goodness? Did they think they're just monsters with sins they couldn't be forgiven for? I'll never understand the thought process, and I don't think there's anyone alive with the right to answer such questions either.

I closed my eyes and buried my crying face into his hair. Breathe.