veinte-uno

But I know I'll have to face Claire at some point. And as I slowly lift my lids, another tear steals from my eye. I'm actually scared. Claire has always been the one who understands me. she is there for me And just the thought of her believing this show makes my heart ache. Actually, she should be aware that I would never do anything with Zaret. She must know. Although we often avoid him as an issue, we are aware of our dislike for him. This is a fact that never needed words. Until now.

And as our eyes meet, Claire's bottom lip trembles. There is no disgust in the eyes. no hate only sadness And that hurts me more than any resentment could have done.

"Claire," I whisper, shaking my head almost imperceptibly. She must know that Zaret staged everything. She can never believe him. But instead of continuing to look at me, she vigorously wipes her cheek. Removes the last wet traces and turns from me to her room.

And finally I wake up from my rigid state, wanting to run to her, but before I can really catch up with Claire, Pete grabs me. "Kalota, what was that about?" His voice almost cracks. The anger is clear, but it's mostly the shock that resonates. He too knows how wrong that was. But right now I don't care about Pete. Let him go get excited. It just doesn't matter. So I shake his hand off and don't even look at him. Claire is already in her room and time is limited. She's going to shut me out. Won't let me explain. And Pete isn't the one , who still rules over me. No, that's Zaret. He probably always has been and I just never realized it. But now it's clear to me.

"Kalota," Pete yells, probably wanting to follow me, but before he can even set foot in Claire's room, I slam the door and quickly lock it. Tell him to fire me would look for another woman.

"Open up now." To punctuate his words, Pete bangs on the door and I jump at the loud bang. But that's not because I'm scared of Pete. Zaret's still in my limbs. His power. That lets me get jumpy. So I shake my head, trying to get it out of my thoughts, but it doesn't work. As so often happens. I do notice that Zaret is increasingly controlling my thinking. That I hear his voice in situations in which it doesn't even make sense, but I blame it on his constant presence, that even at home I can't rest from him anymore.

But I can't deal with that any further when Claire turns to me. Her face is set in stone and for the first time I don't see any warmth in her eyes. "Please let me explain," I start, but she interrupts me with a quick wave of her hand.

"I don't want to hear it." Although she looks steady, her voice radiates something else. It trembles badly. Shows that she is concerned about what has just happened.

And even though every fiber of my being wants to yell at her to listen to me, I only nod slightly, barely holding back a sob. God how much I despise myself right now. I would like to blame Zaret. But I can not. Even I'm probably aware that he's just processing the grief in his own way. And I laughed about it. It was only clear that he would take revenge. I should probably be glad nothing worse happened. "It's not what it looks like."

Claire laughs hard and adjusts her dress. "Do you really think I'm not aware of that? I know that Zaret is only playing with you." And now her mask falls off. Her hands start to tremble and another tear rolls out of her eye, falling straight to the floor. And I would normally go to her and her by now at the latest Hug her. Give her comfort. But Claire has a defensive attitude. Doesn't face me directly, but rather seems ready to avoid me at any time.

"Are you sleeping with him?" She's still tugging at her dress and I want to make her look at me. Now I suddenly understand Zaret, how often he grabs my chin and makes me look into his eyes to watch.

"No." It sounds more uncertain than I wanted. Probably because I'm not sure how much longer I can give this answer. Zaret is getting closer and closer to me. Today it was a finger, the next time the erection. And so on strange it is, the fact doesn't bother me as much as it did a week ago.

"But he lives with you?" And now Claire is looking at me. Her eyes are watery and red. The bags under the eyes also seem swollen and I'm starting to wonder what Zaret was doing with Claire before I came.

"Yes," I whisper, and finally I dare to take a step forward. But Claire immediately backs away and holds up her hand defensively. "Claire, but I can explain that. Really, you just have to..."

"I don't have to do anything!" She claws at her dress and now there is contempt. And hate. That makes me look at her beggingly, but she doesn't care. The woman, who usually has an open ear for everyone, is now the one who doesn't have any sympathy. Zaret really did a great job. He also snatched the last person I care about from me.

"What did he tell you?" Yes, I assume that Zaret already said a few things to Claire before I came. But that's the only logical thing to do. Otherwise she would hardly know that he is now living with me The thought of it sends an icy shiver down my spine.

"It doesn't matter what he said." The words are spat out and it's almost paradoxical that that should be Claire in front of me. She's not like that. She's a lovely person. Empathetic. But the problem is, that just shows how angry she is.

"But the fact of the matter is that you kiss him and let him sleep with you." She exhales in disbelief, as if she still can't understand what she's been experiencing, and with that my desperation grows immeasurable. I'd like to explain myself, but there's a huge lump in my throat, one that won't let me speak, that would only make sounds of despair.

"Have you forgotten everything he did to us? What he did to you?” And now her voice cracks. Shrillly, each word whips through the room and slams straight down on me. One blow after another is pounded down on my heart and I rub my face. Trying to regain my composure somehow But it's so hard for me I'm so scared of losing Claire God please at least let me have her.

"I haven't forgotten." I should sound strong. Or confident. Something that shows strength. Instead, I sound like a dog that's been beaten , then I go." This is serious. I will tell her everything. Starting from Platura, up to Xerxes. I do not want to loose her.

But she just shakes her head and points towards the door. "I don't want to listen to you right now." And now she straightens her shoulders a bit. And just that small gesture makes me sob. It breaks my heart to see her like this. Claire wants to exude determination. She's way too thin, too. The sternum is sticking out a lot from the skin. It shows that we are the same. God, we have so much in common. And now? Now I'm alone. And I can only shake my head helplessly. I would like to introduce myself open the door and stop her from kicking me out, but that would be the wrong way. Even I know that. So I can only watch as she turns the key and once again she stands a little more upright. She seems so vulnerable .For the first time I recognize what the others see in me, when I want to radiate pride. It's nothing but appearances. The posture can't hide the broken soul underneath. At least for the people who have a good eye. They know that only one mask is shown.

"I'll come to you when I'm ready to listen," she whispers, and those words make me tremble. When I'm ready. What does that mean? Tomorrow? The day after tomorrow? Or is it just a lie? A simple excuse to get around me to get rid of.

"Claire please..." I can't get any further, then she opens the door and steps aside. It seems as if she's disgusted with me. That she won't tolerate touching me under any circumstances "that she now sees me like everyone else. Like an insect. And the worst thing is that she has every right to look at me like that. I'm the scum of this society. I don't have the strength to stand up to Zaret. So go." I slowly pass her. I just look at the floor. I can't bear to look at her. That she's grieving because of me. Nevertheless, I pause before I go through the door.

"I don't want to lose you." My words trail off in sobs, and I only get a low whimper from Claire as well. And that shatters something inside me. God, I would take any torture from Xerxes to fix this . But it's out of my hands. Again I can only watch my life crumble. And even as a tear warms its way down my skin, someone grabs my arm and pulls me with them.

I don't even have the strength to look up to see who it is. It does not matter. I can hardly even feel my hand. The paralysis seems to be spreading to my body. Takes me in and this time I don't want to fight it.

"That's probably the complete cheek." Pete. Just the knowledge that it's him makes me drift further. Let him complain. So I just let him pull me along and don't offer any resistance.

"I should fire you." He waves his hand in the air and I just barely suppress a snort of disdain. Does he really think I care? God, I don't give a damn. The doors pull again of the girls past us. Here and there one looks at us. But no one gives me an encouraging smile. You all already know. Know that I now belong to Zaret. And that's true. After all, I work for him. Although I'm now thinking that's the wrong word for. I'm his doll. Not an equal member. That's more appropriate.

Then we are at the door and Pete pushes me forward with a strong jerk. I trip easily but can keep my feet up. Unusual. I can't even seem to feel my feet anymore and yet they work. Hold me in an upright position.

"If you lose the rich man because you think you have to fuck around with your lover, then you're no longer welcome here either," he snaps and the door is slammed shut. I wince again at the muffled sound and actually I should at least explain to Pete what that was. But he wouldn't be interested. Yes, he couldn't even begin to understand it. And above all, I'm not in the least interested in giving an account of Pete. I don't want him to hear the words, but Claire But she doesn't want to So I wipe my cheeks again, wipe my tears away and just walk away.

And this time I really do seem like a ghost. It's slowly getting light. The sky is no longer black, it's turning dark gray. It is tomorrow. And so I meet the first people on the street. But nobody looks at me. They all rush past me to work. Usually that bothered me. Not today. It's fine with me to continue on my way without being seen. Did my mother feel the same way? So uncaring? But in the end it doesn't matter. I can't do anything about it anyway. The ice is here. It's spreading. And will eventually freeze my soul. But then at least it's over and I don't have to deal with all the things I've lost.

And as I get closer to my cabin, I'm getting more and more nervous. It is clear that Zaret is waiting for me there. I don't want to see him. And yet he is now the only one left to me. It's crazy that he of all people is the last thing left for me. Still, I can't help ducking my head automatically as I slowly advance. And the only reason why I don't think I'm going to just stop is this miserable tiredness. Maybe he'll let me sleep now? After all, he shouldn't have slept a wink until now. And that thought encourages me, so I grab the handle and quickly push it down. Actually, I would tell myself that I'm not afraid of him, but that would be a lie. I have to admit that to myself. My heart is beating in my throat. Makes me feel a bit dizzy. But I just hope he has tormented me enough today.