Chapter 146 Long night

Avalyn

My hands gently caressed Nik's hair as I stared off in the distant night sky. It was the middle of night and I woke up to quite but terrified murmurs of Nik.

Usually, every night, we had sex, cuddled while talking about our day before going to bed. And our usual position would be his one arm around me, my head on his chest and his other hand grabbing my boob. It had been like this since the beginning and I had gotten very used to it.

But ever since I got pregnant, there was a slight change. We had stopped having sex. Apparently, our babies thought that their father was trying to hurt them when he was only pleasuring me. And knowing that it hurt me, Nik had made absolutely no advances to do anything sexual. I had suggested doing something other than sex but Nik was reluctant. He said that we had our whole life to pleasure ourselves but if Goddess forbid something wrong happened just because we couldn't control ourselves, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself. The vulnerability in his eyes tugged at my heart so I decided to not bring it up anymore. Both of us were suffering but sexual frustration was better than feeling pain and guilt.

So at night, we just cuddled and talked. A lot. Nik couldn't seem to stop talking. Or asking me to talk so he could hear my voice and know every single thought that passed my mind. It had been two weeks since Nik came back from his Adrik-hunt and I feel like we have gotten closer than ever now. We knew more about each other than we ever did. We didn't even have to do anything for the other one to understand our thoughts or feelings. It was because Nik refused to part from me so we spent every moment together—awake or asleep. Not that I minded one bit. In fact, I absolutely loved it. Earlier, he used to be so consumed with work, that the only time we got to ourselves was night time. I was focused on cherishing this time that we had together.

Our sleeping position had also changed. Earlier, it felt like Nik was protecting me from the world while we slept. That and I loved hearing steady, rhythmic beating of his heart that was like a sweet lullaby, Now, he slept with his head on my chest with my arms around him. He claimed that I got to hear his heart beat long enough and now it was his turn to hear mine and sleep peacefully. His head was heavy but I didn't mind it. I understood his need to know that I was alive even when we were sleeping.

Until a few days ago, I used to stupidly think that this change was caused because the month that we spent apart. And that he had missed me way too much during that time, just like I had. But even though that was the truth, I realised that this change was because Nik was terrified of losing me. He thought, no he believed that I was going to die. And he was trying to make sure I didn't drop dead any second and that he spent every waking moment with me before that happened.

And I realised this because I woke up a couple of days to Nik having a nightmare. In which he kept muttering pleas to me to not leave him, to stay alive, to stay with him, to spend my life with him, to abort, to kill those 'spawns of Satan'. Hearing him say that broke my heart because until then, I didn't know he had already believed that our children were spawns of Satan and that I was going to die. We had been trying so hard these past two weeks to find a way to open a portal to the Faye Dimension along with Headmaster Malone and to realise that Nik believed it would not work crushed my hope.

He hadn't said one word about it but just the fact that he dreamed about me dying made me feel like he thought and it, at least subconsciously. And when it came to aborting, he'd subtly bring it up at least once a day just to see my reaction but then drop it when I'd show him that I hadn't changed my mind.

All of this made me feel so stupid for not realising what Nik was really feeling all along. When I thought about all those looks of longing, even when I was with him all day, those times when he held on extra longer and was the last one to let go, those subtle, adoring touches he can't seem to stop all day, just so he can feel my presence, the lingering sadness in his eyes that he always tried to cover up when would look into them. And the biggest of them all—not once he had touched my bump. Not even a small, soft caress. In fact, he couldn't even look at it for longer than two seconds.

"Please..." Nik's hold on me got tighter, "don't go..." a small tear leaked from his corner of his eye, breaking my heart.

I caressed his back in hopes of calming him down without disturbing his sleep his small,  now incoherent mutterings didn't stop.

"I'm here, Nik," my throat felt choked as I whispered, "I'm okay."

His eyes opened and he searched for my face before he took in a deep, relieved breath. He reached up to kiss my lips, softly and deeply before he fell back on his own pillow. I turned so I could look at him better. "Are you okay?" I whispered, not wanting to break the quietness that had surrounded us.

His eyes searched for something in mine before he spoke, "we've been trying for two weeks without any luck, Avalyn. And yesterday at the check-up, doctor said that we had one day to decide..." We had one day to decide if we wanted to keep our children or if we wanted to abort. Because then it will be too late for the surgery and my life would be at risk.

"I'm not going to kill our children, Nikolai." I chewed on my lip.

"But those children are going to kill you," he said in anguish. He took my hand and placed it over his heart, "please, Avalyn, I'm begging you," his eyes filled up with tears, causing my own tears to arise, "please live. For me."

"I will live," I said with conviction. "I just know, Nikolai, my children will not kill me. It cannot be in their blood."

"The curse is in your blood, Ava. And to kill one's own parent is in mine. I'm going to kill Adrik." His hold on my hand tightened. "It's in their blood too."

"You've already believed that I'm going to die."

"The proof is right in front of me." His finger traced the side of my face softly, "you're losing your appetite. You're losing a few pounds every day. I can feel your powers reducing in the same proportion your belly is growing. Which is way too fast to be normal. Or safe."

"I'm going to live." I argued weakly.

"My hope is dwindling. What if we can't find a cure? What if you do die?" He asked, pain lacing his every word.

"Hope is all we have," my breath hitched. Nik can't lose hope, not when we need it the most. "We will go to the Faye Dimension and then everything will be okay. We will work harder."

"What if Faelern doesn't have the cure?" He asked the question I didn't know the answer of. I hadn't even considered the possibility.

I remained silent.

"I find myself unable to love them." My heart stopped when he said those words. His tone was gentle but it did nothing to soothe the harshness of his words. "I certainly won't if they are the reason of your death."

I looked deep into his eyes and they reflected earnest truth.

I couldn't take it.

I rolled out of bed and walked out in the balcony, wanting some space between us. I couldn't believe he would say that. Feel that. Believe that.

I placed my hand over my belly which was double the size it was two weeks ago when Nik first saw me when he came back. I already loved them with all my heart. More than I loved myself.

A warm weight fell over my shoulders when Nik placed a shawl over them. "Don't walk away from me, Love. We need to talk about this."

"I don't want to talk," I paced away from him. I couldn't believe that any person couldn’t love their children, especially Nik. He had so much love to give.

"Tough luck. I've been putting this off since a long time," he caught my hand, "we're talking right now."

I sighed, knowing there was no way I was going to have my way when he was being like this. "Fine. Then talk."

"Let's sit," he led me towards the swing. Both of us took a seat side by side and looked at the starry night sky. The moon wasn't shining as brightly so we could see a lot more stars tonight.

"I think you're being unfair to me," he started. "You cannot force me to be a father just as much as I cannot force you to abort. I understand that it's your life, your body and you can do as you choose. But it's my choice too, it's my life too and I don't want to father any children or raise them when they are the reason of your death. You cannot force me to do that."

My chest tightened when I realised the gravity of what I was asking of him. I was taking his love for me for granted.

"You're right." I gulped. "But they didn't ask to be here," I caressed my bump, "they are here because of our actions. They are our responsibility."

"They didn't ask to be here just as much as we didn't want them to be here. I know this for a fact Avalyn, before you were pregnant, you had no intentions of becoming pregnant, did you?"

"No," I answered truthfully. "But now that I am, I cannot murder our children. I would hate myself for the rest of my life. I would not be able to live with myself. And I might even," my breath caught in my throat as I choked out, "hate you."

He sucked in a harsh breath. "Hate is better than nothing. I'll make you love me again. Even if you hate me for the rest of our lives, it will be better than you dying."

"You'd rather have me hate you till I die than die loving you?" I whispered, my eyes blurry with tears.

"Yes." He took my hand in his and pressed a kiss on the back of it, "I don't need you to love me. Neither do I need your love to love you." He kissed the back of my hand again. "I'm fine being the only one in love for the rest of our lives."

"How can you love me so much?" I sobbed.

He scooted closer and pulled me into a heart-warming hug before kissing my head. "I love you more than I can express with mere words. It shouldn't be news to you."

I climbed into his lap and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "I love you too. So much," I sobbed.

"Then please love me more than you love them. Please live for me, Ava." He cried into my neck, his shoulders shaking as he did.

"I can't kill them, Nik, I just can't!" I cried harder.

I don't know how long we sat there, in each other's arms, crying and hugging and relishing in each other’s embrace. When the first rays of sun finally hit the sky, Nik said that it was time for breakfast and that I needed to eat.

So we went into the dining room that was already bustling with activities.

"You two look like absolute shit," Max and Nat came in.

"Shut it," Nik snapped, in no mood for some teasing. He had bags under his eyes. And anyone who knew him well could tell he had been crying. And I was sure I looked worse,

"How are you?" Nat took a seat beside me while Max took a seat on the other side of Nik with clear intention of annoying him further. But if that took Nik's attention away from our long night, then I welcomed it. And somewhere, Max knew it too and that was why he was doing it.

"I'm fine," I forced a smile on my face. "How are you?"

Truthfully, I didn't even need to ask. The happiness she radiated was proof of her mental and physical health. She had gained a little weight and her belly had grown but it was still half the size of mine.

"I'm good," she smiled. "And I've been meaning to talk to you about something act-" she fell silent when Althea entered with Dimitri in tow.

Tessa had placed an omelette sandwich and an assortment of fruits in my plate, which used to be my favourite but right now, I didn't feel like I could stomach anything.

"Good morning!" Nat and I greeted the couple.

"Morning!" Dimitri faked chirpiness while Althea faked a smile before they took a seat leaving a few chairs between us.

Nik and I usually had breakfast later than the rest so I didn't know if this was normal but Nat's look told me it was. Dimitri's behaviour had taken a one eighty degree turn. He didn't smile, joke or even tease anymore. In fact, he barely talked to us. I hated it.

I picked at my food when Max said, "do you know what will help?"

"What?" I asked.

"Blood." He answered. "I do it all the time. Marinate the food with a little blood and it tastes a hundred times better," he suggested.

I looked at Tessa who nodded and went back into the kitchen and brought out a glass of blood. I took it from her, opened up my sandwich and unsurely poured a little inside it.

"Not like that," Max rolled his eyes before he dragged my plate towards him and took the glass of blood before generously pouring it all over the insides of the sandwich. And then a little over the fruits too before he drank the rest of the blood himself and passed me the plate, "try now."

I did and true to his word, it did taste better, "thanks," I smiled. But even though it tasted better, it didn't mean that my appetite increased. Regardless, I forced myself to finish everything on my plate, knowing that Nik would appreciate it.

He was talking to Max, talking about pack business and was still on his second stack of Nutella pancakes while Nat and I finished out breakfast.

"Let's go out and talk," I told Nat who nodded and we stood up.

"I'll come too, I'm done," Nik pushed his half-eaten plate aside.

"No you're not done," I knew he wasn't done. He just didn't want to leave me alone. "Finish your breakfast first. I'll be fine. We're just going to the living room for some girl talk."

"No, I'm really do—" I gave him a look and he sighed. "Fine. But don't go out for the walk. I'll come with you."

"Okay, Alpha." I rolled my eyes with a smile and both of us walked out.

"What's up?" I asked Natalia once we settled in the couch. It felt a little uncomfortable so I placed a pillow behind my back, groaning at the relief as I did.

"It was about Althea," she said quietly.

"What happened?" I asked. I hadn't talked to her in a while. I had tried to initiate conversation a few times a couple of weeks ago but she had shut it down by quickly excusing herself of talking rudely. I didn't feel like insulting myself by trying to talk to her again and again so I decided to give her space and letting her come to me now.

"I think you should be on your guard when it comes to her. Don't trust her and don't be alone with her." She rushed.

I frowned, a little peeved by her behaviour. We should try to make the girl comfortable, and welcomed and not treat her like she is an outsider. "What the hell is this about? I mean I know she doesn't like us very much but it doesn't mean we can't trust her. She's Dimitri's mate after all."

She looked around to see if anyone was around. "Leave us alone. And give a signal when anyone is coming," she told the few slaves who were cleaning. All of them promptly bowed before leaving.

"I didn't want to tell you everything but I think it's best if you know. I'd rather you know what's going on around you so you can take appropriate measures if any situation calls for it." She let out a breath, as if she was readying herself to spill her guts. That scared me a little. Was it that bad?

"We sort of had a fight. Althea and I." She whispered. "Let me start from the very beginning actually. I heard her saying rude stuff about Dimitri to her slave. I got pissed and lashed out."

I don't think I could ever think negatively about Nikolai, much less talk about it to someone. I didn't know how someone could do that to their own mate. "Maybe something happened between them..." Dimitri was the best person ever but he had darkness inside him. Maybe he said something in anger? But I just couldn't imagine Dimitri ever getting angry. Maybe she misunderstood his words or actions? "It's their personal matter. You shouldn't interfere."

"Well this isn't the first time we got into an argument." She snorted. "And it certainly will not be the last if she continues act like such a bitch."

"Natalia!" I admonished.

"Do you know what happened the first time?" She asked and I shook my head.

"Well she said that she knew about the bomb blasts and believed that the High Council did the right thing. She said 'it was important to pull the weeds out from the garden for the flowers to survive'. Dimitri was nearby and heard it all. The poor guy ran off and Althea didn't look like she cared. And then I went off on her. I told her about Sofiya and her family and that she was Dimitri's sibling. Apparently Dimitri had told her about it all but she still sided with her father's decision." She released a breath, still pissed about it. "This happened before Nikolai told her off but still!"

"How can she still side with her father? How can she not care about her own mate? And how the hell do I not know about all of this?" I asked.

"Well with your uncertain pregnancy and everything, we didn't want to risk anything, not before Nikolai came back at least." She answered. "And I don't know how she believes all of this. But then I went after Dimitri and talked to him, gave him some clues about what to do. At the time, I used to think that it was best not to insert myself in their problems. But Nikolai's trick of telling her off worked. She kind of feels bad for what it did to our family and that there is a possibility that her father was wrong. And that we are her family now and she needs to accept it and deal with it."

"But she still doesn't talk to us?" It confused me.

"I thought so too, so I decided to be the bigger person and initiate a conversation. At first, she was talking normally so I let my guard down a little. She was asking simple questions about the pack, the people, how things work and how we handle things. And then she kept asking questions about Nikolai, just as the Alpha King, his style of handling things, ruling, dealing with people and that sort of thing. I answered them but she seemed almost...obsessed. It felt weird so I steered the topic towards you and told her about the stuff you've done as the Luna Queen—for the slaves, the people and your business and how Dimitri, being your beta helps you with stuff."

"And then she asked about the relationship between you two so I told her about your sibling bond, the pranks, how you've saved his life once. She then asked me about the blood oath so I told her the whole detailed story. Maybe she got jealous so she started insinuating things between the both of you."

She got riled up as she went further into the story, "I feared that she'll fight with Dimitri so I tried to clear things up but she seemed obsessed with finding problems in things that didn't have any. And she said that..." she abruptly stopped herself.

"What did she say, Nat?" I pressed.

"She basically said you were juggling the brothers. In different words." Nat whispered, hurt clear in her words. "And she told me to be careful about you and Max."

Those words felt like a punch to the gut, "no, Nat...I wouldn't, I'm not...I'd neve—"

"I know," she hugged me. "Please don't insult yourself or our family bonding by justifying anything. She doesn't know anything."

I kissed her cheek.

"I don't know why you're telling me this," I whispered.

"I don't know why but she seems to have a special hatred for you or something." She looked concerned, "Max must've already talked to Nikolai about this by now and I wanted to tell you this myself. But be careful, Avalyn. She is not to be trusted."

"She's harmless, Nat..." I trailed. "The palace's powers are enough to save me."

"She doesn't have to physically harm you to hurt you." She said gently, "I don't have a good feeling about her. Just keep your guard up around her and take care, okay?"

I nodded, gulping.

Do we really have an enemy among us?