Chapter 148 The hard way

Avalyn

Faye Dimension

I felt a connection with him. A familial one. It was a lot like the one I felt with Papa and for that reason, I really wanted him to like me.

And I knew that he seemed like a villain, he sure acted like it. But I felt the good lying underneath the tough exterior. It was hidden by eternal misery, anger and resentment. But the fact that he came to Jivan looking for his mate Fiyona told me just how much he loved and cared for her. It was enough to hold on to the hope that she was alive and to search for her for more than a century.

I didn't care that he knew about my pregnancy and didn't tell us, it wasn't his responsibility to do so. And we needed to build a good relationship for there to be any chance for him to help us.

"You came to look for Fiyona that day, didn't you? You thought I was her." His expression changed when I mentioned her name. It was a mixture of anger and hurt yet, his face had somehow remained impassive.

"Uttering that name is a punishable offence in the Fatum Dimension." He clenched his jaw. So the name of the Faye Dimension was Fatum. He looked at me with pure fury in his black eyes. But I instinctively knew that he wouldn't hurt me. I just knew.

"You appeared only after I turned into a full faye. You felt my energy and thought it was her. And you came there in search of her." I deduced and his expression told me that I was right. "You miss her." I concluded softly.

And for a second, his pained yet hard eyes made me rethink everything. Was this how Nik would be if I did die? Cold, impatient and unwilling to show any emotion other than anger.

A cold shiver wrecked my body when I realised that it was very much possible. The Nik I know and fell in love with would be gone. Who will my children look up to? Nik said he didn't want to raise our kids, that he couldn't love them. I had always discarded his words thinking it was impossible, that he would love them the moment he rests his eyes on them. I never believed his words.

Looking at Faelern now, I felt like I was looking at Nik's future. While I knew that he wouldn't hurt me, he didn't seem to have any inclination to help me either. He seemed okay with me dying. Did his anger for his daughter—my mother, run deep enough for it to extend it to me too?

And then his expression changed to fury. "Be careful what you speak of, I can throw you out of Fatum with a snap of my finger." He thundered. "Be grateful that I allowed you inside in the first place." Could he control who went in and out of the whole dimension? Being the King, maybe he could.

"Thank you," Nik took over. "I assume that you know what we are here for."

"I do. And nothing I have or know can help you." He said.

"You know that's not true." Nik spoke. "There must be something. Please." Desperation seeped in Nik's voice.

"The only solution is to kill them." He said cruelly. "And then since you two will never be able to have children again, the stupid curse will finally end." My heart squeezed painfully at his words. But it was true, two different species from different dimensions could never breed. It was the law of nature. If something happens to my children, I'll never be able to become a mother ever again.

"Any solution but that one." I pleaded. Nik had been telling me this all along. But I couldn't kill them. I just couldn't.

"There is no other solution." He said, finality ringing in his tone. "And if there was, I am under no obligation to provide it to you."

"You are," Nik's anger spiked. "It is because of you that the curse was given in the first place! You have to help cure it too!"

"You do not know what you speak of, wolf." Faelern thundered, rising from his throne. "Now get the hell out of my Kingdom!" He snapped his fingers and the next thing I knew, we were back in our bedroom.

I immediately clutched Nik's hand and tried to take us back to Fatum Kingdom again but there seemed to be a barrier that I just couldn't seem to cross, or break down. And then I was getting tired and I was in pain so just brought us back home.

"We can't go there anymore, can we?" Nik asked, sounding pissed.

"No," I whispered, angry tears rising in my eyes. All this time and energy was down the drain. All my hopes were crushed. I'll never be able to see my own children. I'll never be able to see Nik. I'll never be able to... I was feeling breathless.

The fact that I was going to die soon just hit me.

"Abort." Nikolai said. "Please Avalyn," he clasped my shoulders. My eyes snapped up at him. Both our eyes holding the realisation that this was it. I either kill my babies and live or sacrifice myself and give them the experience of life. "Please. Live. For me. I'll never ask anything of you ever again, I'll—I'll do anything you want," his voice got caught in his throat. "I -I can't lose you. Not you too."

"I can't!" I cried. I cannot kill our babies. I just couldn't!

And then he dropped down to his knees, holding on to my hands for dear life as he cried, "I'm begging you Avalyn! Please. Stay with me. Live with me."

"Nikolai," my heart wrenched in pain seeing him kneeling and crying in front of me.

"Please," he begged, agonising desperation oozing out of his every word. "Stay. Please. Choose me. Love me more. Live with me. Spend your life with me."

I kneeled down so we were on the same level and then I grabbed his face, making him meet my eye. "They're our babies, Nikolai!" My heart broke as I tried to explain it to him. "Our blood and flesh. They're made out of love, we made them out of love...." my breath hitched. "I -we can't."

His face crumpled up with so much pain that my heart cracked. "You said you loved me. You're just a liar."

"I do. I do love you." I cried.

"I know you do," he whispered, lowering his head, "just not enough." He shook his head before he stood up and backed away from me. He was shutting me out. "You don't love me enough to choose me."

I cried harder.

My hands rested on the floor to hold myself up, "I -I don't know what to do, Nik!" I sobbed. "I'm trying to do the right thing, I'm tryin—"

"The right thing would be to live," his voice was hoarse. "You're my mate. You made promises to me. I need you. The whole Kingdom needs you. You need to fulfil the promises you made to them too."

"And when I realised I was pregnant, I made a vow to my children that I'd do my best for them." I whispered, my throat aching.

"How can you do your best when you're on the brink of death?" His voice was thick when he asked a question I had no answer for. "You've grown so thin. So weak. You can barely use your powers. You barely eat. Or drink. You can barely walk for ten minutes. You're constantly tired. You barely come out of the west wing. You've shut everyone out—you've shut yourself out. You're dying in front of my eyes. I can't bear to see it. It physically hurts me to see you hurting."

Sobs wrecked my body upon hearing his words. I hadn't thought it would be this hard for him. I hadn't been thinking much about him at all.

"I'm telling you my heart's honest wishes, Ava. You're the one whom I love the most. You're the only one I love. I find myself incapable of loving anyone who is the cause of your pain. And realistically speaking, even if I try to love them, it wouldn't be from my heart. I don't want to become like my father. A man who displayed affection to his son in front of everyone and cruelty behind closed doors."

"You're not your father, Nikolai," my heart clenched upon realising his biggest source of insecurity. "You love your family. And they're not even your blood. Our children are. I'm sure you will love them. I have no doubt. You will be an amazing father, Nikolai." The tears in my eyes resurfaced. I'll never get the chance to be a mother. "How about we do something similarly to the mate-pact? The only difference will be that you would join me on the other side of the moon once our kids are a little older and can take over the Kingdom? I'd say eighteen years?"

Eighteen years. I'd have to spend eighteen years apart from him. Even the thought filled me with dread. I could barely control myself the one month we spent apart.

He shook his head, "too long. And there's no saying when one is truly mature. Age isn't a factor. I'd join you as soon as you go anyways. Let my brothers be useful for once and raise them."

"They're our kids and our responsibility, not theirs. And I'd hate for them to grow up without any parent." I whispered. I would not subject upon my children what I had gone through.

"We're at an impasse, Love," he looked away.

"I don't know what to do."

"Are you really okay with dying?" His tone tugged at my heart. "Not knowing when we'll see each other next. Not being with me? Not living with me? Our family? Our people? You've barely started living your life. You haven't seen a fraction of what the world has to offer. You haven't even seen all of what I have to offer. We've barely been together for a year. I'll be good to you, Avalyn. I promise. Everyday. I'll do what you want, just as you like it. We can celebrate more birthdays. Go to more carnivals, see different countries, try out different food..." he didn't need anything to bribe me but himself.

"Sounds tempting but I—"

"I saw a future with you. I saw us spending our whole lives—centuries together. You're my soul mate. You're supposed to love me more. The most. If a future without me doesn't break your heart then I don—"

"It does, Nikolai, it does!" I cried, hugging him to me. "I'm scared out of my mind. Don't you see that? Don't you realise that? I'm terrified of dying, not knowing what  life is after death, I'm terrified of living without you. And I'm absolutely petrified of our children never knowing me, growing up without me, forgetting me, or worse, never loving me!"

"Then don't put yourself in the position to face those fears!" His voice raised.

"I'm not going to kill my children!" I screamed, getting off his lap and putting distance between us. He refused to understand where I was coming from.

"Our children." He corrected.

"Really, Nik? Our?" My stomach churned as I readied myself for the fight I knew was coming. "That's rich coming from you. Not once have you caressed my belly that hold 'our' children. Hell, you've not even touched it! Not once have you referred to them as your children. What do refer to them as? Spawns of Satan. That was it, wasn't it?"

He cringed when he realised I knew. And that made me angrier than I was.

"You're just a sperm donor." I hissed, glaring up at him. "That's all you are. My father gave away his life for me. It's a shame my mate isn't half the man he was."

His self-depreciating smile made me want to hurt myself for saying hurtful words. "I never claimed to be a good man. I've always been the villain. The monster. A hero would kill his Love if it meant he was doing something good for the world. I would burn the whole world down to ashes if it means you're mine forever."

His love was for me ran so deep, it was so intense, that sometimes, it scared me.

He paced around the room, trying and failing to search for the right words. Finally, he sat down on the edge of the bed, rested his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He remained silent for what seemed like hours but were mere minutes. But I could feel him reeling in his scattered emotions. He was closing off. I could no longer feel his emotions.

"I can't do this Avalyn." His voice was void of all emotions when he said it.

I know it was incredibly selfish of me to ask him to raise two children he never wanted, especially when I couldn't be there myself. But they were simply innocent little lives growing inside of me each second. I counted myself lucky to even experience this. I'd remember this forever, this was the only experience I would be able to have as a mother. And despite everything Nik said, I refused to believe that he would not be able to love them, especially once he rests his eyes upon them. I've seen him with children, he adores them. There was no way he'd hate his own. He has to love them. He just has to.

"Yes you can, Nikolai." I asserted.

He shook his head, not meeting my eyes all this while, "you just don't get it, do you?"

"You're being stubborn." I pressed my lips together.

My breath got caught in my throat when his dark grey eyes met mine. They were void of all emotions. Except that of finality. He had decided what upon something. I knew it. And judging from his cold behaviour, I knew it was something I would hate.

I backed away from him, covering my belly with both my hands.

He stood up and I felt a dark...aura rolling off of him. Whatever he had decided was not good. For the first time in my whole life, I was scared of him.

"Stay right there, Nikolai," I warned. For some reason, I felt like I had to protect myself from my own saviour. I instinctively knew that I was in danger. It was a mother's instinct. And right now, all I wanted to do was run away.

Did Fiyona feel the same way when she ran away from Faelern and came to Jivan?

No. I wasn't going to run. I had no one else. My kids had no one else. Nikolai was all they would have. I need to make this right.

"I love you, Mi Amor." I said in a sweet voice. He didn't feel like my Nikolai, my saviour. I almost couldn't recognise him as he took slow, measured steps towards me. And I kept backing away.

For the first time, he didn't say those words back.

I need to bring my Nikolai back. I needed to remind him that I was his mate. I had no idea what had gotten into him.

"I love you so much, Nik. So much. Since the day you bought me, I've been grateful to you for saving my life." No! Don't talk about saving my life! "I love how much you love me and respect me, how much you respect my wishes. I love how you always think of my feelings and happiness before doing anything. I lov—"

"Do you know that when I bought you, I didn't think you were my mate?" He tilted his head to the side, not giving away anything.

I shook my head in answer.

"I never thought that I'd love you as much as I do." His eyes softened for the first time. "I love you more than anything in the world, Avalyn. Always remember that." His words were as soft as the breeze.

But I shivered at the chill that passed down my spine.

"I know, I love you too."

He smiled. And for the first time, I saw why everyone was so afraid of him. I saw why everyone was so ready to do his bidding. He hadn't said of done anything that should make me feel like I'm in danger. His expression hadn't given away anything either. But the danger lurked beneath his smile, beneath his eyes.

This Nikolai wasn't like the teddy bear I had once pegged him as. He was the ruthless Alpha wolf everyone was afraid of. And for the first time ever, I was too.

"You're such a good girl, Ava." He smiled, taking another step towards me. Every cell in my body was telling me to run, to protect myself.

I took a step back and my back flattened against the wall. He had strategically cornered me against the wall. "You're scaring me, Nik." I didn't like it one bit. I wanted my mate back.

I caressed my bump. Mama will keep you safe.

"I'm not doing anything, Love," he pressed his body against me. My belly pressed against him and he lowered his head dig his nose in the juncture of my neck. He inhaled sharply. "You're as lovely as always." He sucked on my mark. Despite everything, a moan escaped my lips.

He started peppering kisses along my neck before opening his mouth further and tasting my skin with his tongue, leaving open mouthed kisses and gentle nibbles.

Maybe I had read it all wrong, maybe, I—

A shuddering breath escaped me when he palmed my breast, "you're fucking perfect, Avalyn."

My back arched as I pushed more of myself into his hands.

"I love you so fucking much." He rasped against my lips before capturing them in a bruising, toe-curing kiss.

And then his hand slid lower till it settled on my belly.

My breath hitched. Nik had changed his mind! I opened my eyes to look into his and found his was already on mine. There was no lust, nothing in his eyes.

He closed them again and began kissing me harder.

Something felt off. He still felt withdrawn.

We were arguing about our children not even ten minutes ago and now he was caressing the bump he hadn't even touched. He normally skipped my mid-section and reached straight for my pussy.

He didn't do it today.

His aura felt dark. His eyes felt empty. I tilted my head as naturally as I could when I kissed him and opened my eyes. The sky appeared dark. Like a snowstorm was about to occur. It was the afternoon of a bright summer day.

It felt off. Everything felt off. Nik felt off.

And that's when I felt it. The sharp tips of nails.

His hand had turned into a claw. The same hand that was on my belly. And then suddenly, it thundered loudly, making me jump.

His other hand reached up, cupping and squeezing my boob before reaching for my neck, like he was going to pin me again the wall.

And he could. Very easily. He was much more stronger than me. And I barely had any strength to use my powers.

My heartbeat escalated as I realised what he was doing.

He was going to kill them.

For a split second, I refused to believe it. He wouldn't do that. He couldn't. Not without asking me. Without talking to me first. Without considering my feelings. He couldn't... could he? Would he?

I realised he could. He totally could. He loved me that much.

He was ready to destroy the very foundation of our relationship, he was ready to destroy my love for him just so that I lived. He was ready to be the subject of my hatred if it meant that I lived.

His love for me was that strong.

He really didn't need me to love him to love me. He just needed me.

And for a fraction of a second, I thought that I'd let him do it. Because living without Nik seemed impossible to me, even on the other side of the moon.

But my love for my children burned brighter than my selfishness.

With all my might and my power, I pushed Nikolai away.

Lightning struck the sky as a hiss escaped my mouth when his claw tore the top I was wearing along with skin of my belly, drawing blood.

My head snapped up and I realised that I had used more strength and power than I thought I had. He shattered the glass window and flew out of the balcony.

Oh my Goddess. He really was going to go through with his plan.

And then uncontrollable anger filled me.

He was going to kill my children.

I rubbed my belly. Mama will protect you. Mama will never let anything happen to you.

I uncurled my wings and flew out to find Nikolai laying on the grass, cradling his wrist that was clearly broken. He must have used it to break his fall.

He looked up at me with glistening eyes.

"You broke my trust." I couldn't fathom that he even tried to do it. To kill his own children. How selfish could he be? Tears rose in my eyes when I realised what could have happened. At the hands of my own mate. If I can't trust him, whom can I even trust?

"I'm so sorr—" I raised my hand, silencing him. I knew what I had to do. Even if I knew I would regret it till my last breath. But it had to be done so that my children can take their first breath.

"I don't want to see you ever again," a tear trailed down my cheek as I said it.

"Avalyn." His voice cracked when he said my name.

"If you have the least bit of conscience in that selfish, wretched, shrivelled little heart of yours, you will leave. And come back only when you are ready to take the responsibility of a true father." I said.

His face crumpling in pain was the last thing I saw before I flew back inside our bedroom and cried my heart out.