thinking thoughts

News went around that I had woken up and many pack members visited me, even those whom I didn't know, but I noticed that after four in the afternoon, no one came. I learned from Frances that Archer told the pack that they could visit me, but that no one was allowed to come after that time.

In a way, that made me feel thankful, although I still wasn't on good terms with him.

He visited every morning before he went training and every afternoon after he was finished with his work. Although when he came in the morning, I mostly pretended to be asleep and at the afternoon, we didn't really talk much.

"Did Archer come today?" Suzy asked as she was peeling oranges and handing them to me to eat.

I turned to face the Gamma's mate. "Yeah, this morning."

"You two are worrying me, you're here getting rested up while Archer is killing himself with work. How do you two even communicate."

I squinted my eyes at the girl. Sometimes her words were acid, but I know that she doesn't mean anything bad by it. She spoke her mind and she isn't sorry about, and perhaps it's what I needed.

"Well, fate is playing a game by having us as mates."

Suzy stops with the oranges and furrows her eyebrows at me. Oh damn it, did I think too loud?

"Oh don't say that, from what I see, you both need each other and match quite well. That doesn't mean that everything will be sailing well, though. People think that just because you're mates, everything will be perfect. Although you are bound by the mate bond, you still have to work to get to know and understand each other if you truly want to love each other."

Wise Suzy was back.

There were so many sides to her that it just made one chuckle. I smiled and let out a small laugh. And then I was back to staring out the window where a few teenage wolves were running around.

"I'm trying, Suzy. And Archer said that he was also trying, but it's hard to believe. I'm sure you know this, but it's hard to trust him when I'm constantly being reminded that I wasn't the first one who had his heart."

Without realizing it, I found myself opening up to Suzy.

Suzy turned me towards her and held my hand comfortingly before leading me to sit down on my bed.

"Look, it's not my story to tell, but I want you to know that Archer may have loved Jessica from the past, but that hasn't been the case for a long time now. The problem with Archer is that he feels responsible for how Jessica is right now and that's why this is how things are right now."

Feels responsible? Why would he?

And just like that, the Archer-Jessica question rolled in my head again and again and I found myself sighing.

"And not just that, Archer is someone who can't express himself very well as he grew up in a very strict environment. You may already know it, but his dad is part of the Council and so his parents are in the Capitol, but they never had a good relationship."

Ah, that's right I had heard about that. Archer's father was a famous political figure among the werewolves, that he was a strict and powerful man. But it's my first time hearing about his relationship with his only son.

But then again, that wasn't much surprise.

"How was he as a child?" I found myself asking and immediately, Suzy smiled.

"No! I won't answer that question, you should find out for yourself. Archer may seem cold and hard to talk to, but he's surprisingly very caring and sweet. Especially if it's you. You may not know this, but he always asks us take care of you." she said and was sending me meaningful looks which made me laugh again.

"I think you've stayed long enough Suzy, I wouldn't appreciate Derek blaming me for the lack of attention you're placing on him."

As if it was a reminder, she looked up to the wall clock and saw that it was thirty past four.

"Ah! I forgot! I told him I was going to meet him at four! See you tomorrow Hazel!" she said, leaving an orange half peeled and dashed out of the room.

What a character she is, well at least she cheered me up... although what she also told me just now weighed on my mind.

I did agree with Suzy though, Archer definitely wasn't what the rumours painted him to be, but he wasn't an angel either.

And wait-- he was always asking Suzy to take care of me? I can take care of myself just fine... right?

I shook my head. I don't want to stress myself out thinking all of these things.

As I was to lie back down on my bed, Archer entered the room.

Great, just the person I wanted to avoid. He looked exhausted as if he had not slept in days. And then I remembered Suzy telling me that he was overworking himself and although we weren't on the best of terms at the moment, I still felt for him.

I doubt he has even eaten yet.

He walked through the door and stopped when he saw me observing him. I was taken by surprise when he smiled at me.

What the-- what's his deal, he never smiles.

"I thought you'd be sleeping." he said and walked towards me. I sighed and took one the oranges and started peeling it.

"Did you already eat?" I asked and looked down. I'm pretty sure he hasn't yet. He sat down at the chair in front of my bed and I sat facing him. I gave him the fruit. "Stop overworking yourself."

He took it from my hand. At just about this time, Suzy's words came back to me. To find out things for myself.

"It's not like I have a choice." he answers. Well, true. I can't imagine just how busy he must be to be taking care of such a big pack, especially without his parents' help.

I took a deep breath and mustered my courage.

"Let's go out for a walk." I tell him and extended my hand to him. He looked up to me with a questioning look and I was for sure that he was going to reject me, but he took my hand and stood up.

He started leading me outside but then he stopped at the door and turned to me. He took off his sweater and handed it to me.

"Well, thanks." was all I say and wore it. While at it, I put on the sandals that he brought me the other day.

We passed by the people working at the infirmary and they all greeted us, when we went down and the teenagers playing around saw us, they stopped to greet us too.

Archer was the one who led the way and I simply followed him. I haven't gone outside since I woke up and I really enjoyed the air right now.

When we got further from everyone, Archer took a slower pace. I wonder if he knew that I wanted to ask him some questions.

"Let's go to the river." I suggested and he immediately looked at me in protest.

"No, you're not going near the river." he objected. At that, I pouted.

"I wasn't in the right mind when I jumped in. I'm fine now. And besides, you're with me, what can go wrong, Alpha?"

I found it funny how he squinted his eyes at me, obviously hating that I was calling him by his title. He probably felt that I was mocking him.

Finally, he sighed. "Fine, but you stay right by my side."

Sure thing.

But I didn't say that out loud. I only nodded and we made our way.

When silence filled the air, I felt that it was time for me to say something.

"Did you know? I killed dozens of people when I was five years old?" I turned to him. Archer didn't stop walking, but he definitely slowed down and turned to me. He searched for any lies he could detect in my face and in my voice, but he didn't find any.

"No, I didn't."

I smiled and nodded. "No surprise, the pack and the Council covered everything up, blaming it on some rogues. You may not know it, but I was born with a command tone that's stronger than Alphas' command tone."

"Is that what you tried to use on me before?" he asked.

Ah, that's right. I tried to use it on him before.

"Yeah, but it didn't work. I figured it must be because you're my mate."

"Well, that gives me assurance." he teased and I laughed a little.

"Anyways, when I was little, I could not control it. When I spoke, people around me took it as a command and for a child, that's a little bit too dangerous. My parents tried to ask the Council for help since it was getting out of hand and they decided to send pack doctors and researchers to see what was up with me.

I don't remember too well, but all I knew was that I didn't like them. They took me away from my parents and brought me to one of the weapon test areas. They baited me with toys and candies and so I went with them. While I was playing, I learned the word kill. They were always talking about killing someone.

When I got bored, I wanted to go home, but of course they didn't let me. And so, I did what any five year old would do when they miss their parents, I tried to run away. When I got caught, I realized what the word kill meant and I realized that I was the one they wanted to kill.

In the middle of the night when I was escaping, they were all after me. When they almost caught up to me, I got so scared that I commanded them to kill each other."

Silence fell between Archer and I again as I recounted what happened in my childhood. I waited for his reaction, I waited for his face to turn into disgust or into fear.

People always thought that I was a monster for doing so.

"The night was painted red. I watched them kill each other in front of me. There was bloodshed all over and since I was in the middle of it all, I was showered with their blood and bodies. It took the next day, I was found by my parents and some pack guards when they were visiting me. They found a child in the middle of a pile of bodies."

I cringed at the memory. I still hated remembering myself covered with blood from head to toe. It was ever since then, I couldn't look at blood the same way, especially if I was the cause.

"Is that why you're afraid of blood?" Archer asked and we stop in front of the river. He turned to me and I nodded. My eyes went down once again to his neck where the injury I caused him wasn't visible anymore.

I hesitated, but I stepped closer to him and reached my hand out to his neck.

"Yes, and that's why, I'm so sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't see blood caused by me anymore. I was just so... angry and frustrated." I apologized bitterly. I hated to admit it, but it was true.

I was rather surprised when he put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him.

"No, you don't have to apologize for anything. It was my fault, I realized I've been leaving you in the dark and that must've felt terrible. I'm sorry."

I felt my insides warm up, the sparks felt especially stronger this time around, but I let it be.

"Took you long enough, asshole." I said and pouted, trying to hold back the tears that were rising up.

I heard him chuckle and he let go of me and I stared at him straight in the eyes.

"Will you please be honest with me, Archer? What is it with you and Jessica?"

And with that, his smile dropped.