childhood ghosts

I saw how visibly conflicted Archer seemed. He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hazel hair.

He sat on the grass and motioned me to do the same, somehow telling me that this would be a long story.

"Jessica lost a lot of things because of me," he seemed to have a hard time finding his words, "no--, she lost everything because of me."

I furrowed my brows trying to make sense of his words. I could feel the guilt and regret dripping in his words.

He turned towards me and smiled half heartedly. "Do you want the long story or the short story?" he asks jokingly, but I knew that it was something deep for him.

I tried to smile. "Whatever's comfortable for you."

He took a deep breath once again.

"Jessica's parents died because of me." Archer started, but I already felt the heavy blow. I had no idea where all this was going.

He smiled, but I didn't fail to catch the sadness behind it.

"Well, I guess it would make sense to start telling you about our childhood. Jessica and I are the same age and because we're the pack leaders' kids, Jessica being the Gamma's daughter along with Allan, the Beta's son, we all practically grew up together. But Jess and I have always been close to the point that our parents started predicting that we were mates. It wasn't something new, most of the times, it happens.

So then, her parents thought that it would be best to prepare her to be come the Luna, my Luna. And might I say, that consumed them. The environment she grew up in wasn't the best, to be honest. Her parents constantly compared her to daughters of high ranking wolves and always made her felt worthless.

When her parents died protecting me when we were attacked, coming back from the Capitol and she was stripped of the title of a Gamma's daughter, she stuck herself to me. With her parents and high rank gone, she failed to see her worth. She felt that by sticking to me, protecting me and doing her best to become the Luna, she was fulfilling what her parents always pushed her to be. To her, being with me was giving her a sense of worth."

Archer looked up the sky, probably blaming himself that Jessica was raised that way because of him.

I wanted to just embrace him and tell him that it wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault that her parents chose to raise her that way and it surely wasn't her fault.

When he suddenly turned to me, I was caught staring at him and he smiled. Although the emotion behind his smile was something I wasn't able to understand so I chose to look away.

"I would be lying if I said she wasn't my first love." Archer started again.

This time, my heart ached.

So that's what it was, he really did love her. But the question is, does he still love her?

I could feel him observing me, probably trying to see what reaction I'd show, but I tried my best to stay composed.

I mean, it's normal. We had met other people around us, growing up and plus, I also had a different first love!

But... hearing it like this, it still hurt a bit.

"At first, I only pitied her, but as we grew up, I realized that I actually really liked her. And there's also the fact that everyone, including us, believed that we were mates. There are cases when mates find each other before their coming of age and we all though that that was the case for us. And when I asked her to be my girlfriend, that pretty much assured it to everyone. We really thought that we were mates." his voice took a different tone, this time, he sounded regretful.

"I was the first one to turn eighteen, but when I didn't feel the pull towards her, everything changed. Jessica became so frantic, the whole pack was disappointed and shocked and I was too because... we were all so sure. We thought that it was because Jessica wasn't of age yet so we waited. It was an agonizing four months of wait. I didn't know how to approach her, I didn't know how to comfort her especially after knowing that she might not be my mate.

When she came of age, it was confirmed. We weren't mates. It devastated her. It was what she lived for, to be my mate, to be the Luna. And it just so happened that at that time, a Beta family from the north was staying with us and that Beta's son felt the mate pull towards... Jessica."

I couldn't help but hide my shock. I had no idea all this happened and this type of issue would be the one rumoured all around and it's a surprise that I haven't heard anything of this matter.

They must have covered it up.

"She didn't know what to do and I didn't either. At that time, everything was a pure mess to her. She had just learned that all her aspirations were a product of wrongful assumptions, how was she supposed to face her own mate.

How was she supposed to face him when everyone knew that we were together, how was she supposed to face him when he knew that she already--" he stopped and swallowed hard, his fists clenching and unclenching, evident regret and guilt over pouring all over him, "--when she already lost her virtue to me."

That came as a punch in the gut.

I immediately looked away from him.

The revelation gripped my heart although it was something expected, again, to hear it from him, from my mate, it was an indescribable pain.

The thought of Jessica in his arms, of her beside him when he woke up. It was a shattering thought that I had to quickly rid of my mind or else it would be poison to my mind.

"His name was Raymond and I could see how hurt he felt by everything that was going on. When he looked at me, I always felt like he was going to lunge at me and kill me and if he had, I wouldn't blame him. I understood where he was coming from. He tried to understand her, he told Jessica that he could accept her, but that wasn't good enough for Jessica.

She was extremely distressed by everything that was going on, she was in a state of shock and disbelief, she couldn't accept it. Finally, she rejected her mate because she insisted that she loved me and believed that I would do the same for her. No matter how many times I tried to explain, she wouldn't have none of it." he finally took a deep breath and released the breath as if a heavy load was lifted off his shoulders.

"In the end, she rejected him because of me."

"And what happened to Raymond?" I found myself asking just for the sake of asking, although I didn't really want to know. I just wanted to fill the silence because I was afraid that I would break down.

"He... he left. Nothing was ever the same after that. Although Jessica tried to act like everything was fine, nothing was fine. It destroyed her inside and it showed when she started harming herself again. Of course, I had to carry on with my duties as an Alpha and as the official Delta of the pack, she carried with her duties too. But I've seen how affected she is by the rejection, I've seen how affected she is with all of this, especially when I met you."

My eyes widened at the mention of myself but I was even more surprised when he took my hand on his and kissed the back of it.

"You have every right to be mad, you have every right to be angry at me and suspicious of my relationship with Jessica and I'm extremely sorry about that. But know that you are my one and only mate. I'm trying to handle things quietly as of now, I'm dealing with Jess in a way that I think best so I hope you understand." he finally said.

I took a deep breath and took the courage to look him straight in the eyes. Finally, I let myself relax and leaned on him, thankfully, he let me. He even adjusted himself so that my back leaned on the half of his chest, my head resting on his shoulder as I looked down, playing nervously with my hands.

"I'm also trying, Archer. I'm a patient person, but when it comes to matters regarding you, things become different. Do you know how hard it is to watch someone else being what I should be in your life? It's a slap in the face."

I took a deep breath and looked up to him.

"But I will try, I will try for us, Archer. I will try to understand her and you, but I also cannot guarantee that I'll keep my patience, I cannot guarantee that I'll keep waiting forever, I have no intention of becoming a fool. So please, won't you also try to do the same... for us?"

He turned his face down to me and kissed my forehead.

"For us, Hazel."