falling apart

We were in Ian's pack for almost a week and Hazel wouldn't even spare me a glance, when there were meetings regarding action to take about the Strays, we were both there and she was civil, but aside that, I was nothing but thin air to her.

On the outside, she was still her cheerful self, but when there were only the of us, her mood changed completely.

Seeing as to how Hazel was not planning to come back any time soon, the least I could do was be with her. And so I instructed Allan and the other warriors that came with us to return back to the pack and that it would take us a while before we were going to be back.

I tried so many times to approach Hazel, but she didn't want to. Especially that night she went out for a run and came back disheveled and crying. I was ready to get to her and embrace her and take her pain away, but the moment our eyes met, I understood that I was the last person she would have wanted to see.

Thankfully, Hannah was there. She was my messenger, she at least assured me that Hazel was alright and I had to satisfy myself with those crumbs of update on Hazel.

I can't count how many hours I've waited outside her room everyday and asking her to open up, but she wouldn't want to. She would open the door for two second only to tell me to go away or to go sleep.

We arrived in Chase's pack five days ago and the situation between my mate and I was pretty much still the same. It didn't help that both Chase and Hazel were very close friends. I had forgotten how close, but they were pretty damn close that it made me jealous, but like always, I had to hide that.

To see her finally laughing freely made me feel better even I wasn't the one making her smile, I was just glad that she could smile again.

But it didn't help that Ian and Kasen made fun of me, the only thing that kept me grounded and calmed was that I was sure that they were only friends and that most of the time, Chase wanted to make fun of me. And in times like that, it made me wonder if I wasn't able to give Hazel that same assurance.

Maddie, Chase's mate and the second warrior, was poisoned, but the danger was over as soon as Hannah healed her. Very quickly, she started recovering from the poison. And thankfully, that meant that Chase was at her service so he wasn't with Hazel.

But then something happened again, this time, Hannah was the one in danger. None of us knew that Panselinos' Luna was pregnant and healing Maddie put her baby in danger.

Good thing Hazel found her just in time and was able to calm her down and help her. As soon as we were notified of what happened, Ian rushed to his mate and I rushed to Hazel.

I found her in her room, she was on the floor, her head and arms buried on the bed as she cried. She cried so hard and my heart broke all the more. She must've known that I was the one that was there with her because she slowed down for a bit and tried to speak.

"Please, not now Archer." she said in between her sobs.

I knew she didn't want to see me, I knew she was angry at me, but there was no way I was going to leave her alone.

I approached her and sat in front of her and although I felt afraid to because I didn't know how she was going to react, I reached my hand out to her.

With that, she lifted her head towards me and I froze. I was taken back to the first time she broke down in front of me and I didn't know what to do or what to tell her even more so this time because I didn't know what was hurting her.

"She almost lost hers, Archer. Hannah almost lost her b-baby." she cried even harder. It must've been her emotions at the moment, but she let her guards down and let herself fall on me, her forehead on my chest as she cried.

I put my hand behind her back and held her closer. The sparks that flew almost felt unfamiliar after weeks of being away from her physically and emotionally.

Something in me told me that I had to hold her closer now else I would never be able to hold her this close ever again.

"But you were there, she's fine, her baby's fine thanks to you." I whispered to her in hopes to comfort her.

Slowly and to my disappointment, she pulled herself away and for the first time in a long time, she looked at me straight in the eyes, tears still falling down her face. She held such pain in her eyes that I wished I could take away.

Slowly, the pain turned into something else... almost as if she seemed guilty.

"Archer, I'm not okay..."

"I know..." I started, "Hazel, tell me what's wrong, will you? How will I know what's wrong if you don't talk to me? I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you, I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you asked me to and I know how wrong I was, but I promise I'm here now, I won't leave anymore."

I hoped that my words would reach her, I hoped that she would see how truly sorry I was and how much I regretted it, but she only turned her head away and shook her head.

"N-no... not now. I--I can't. Not here." she said and got up, then she looked down on me, "I want to be alone now."

This time, I couldn't hide my frustration anymore. I knew she was hurting, but I was hurting too. I wanted her to tell me what was killing her inside, what it was that pushed her to leave, what I did so I could fix it.

"Hazel, for goodness' sake, talk to me!"

Ever so slowly, she turned to me and she seemed like a soulless body at her current state. Her tears stopped and she looked at me straight in the eyes again and scoffed in the air.

"Talk to you? I tried, Archer and now I'm tired. Close the door when you leave." was all Hazel said when she entered the bathroom and shut me out.

❀

After that conversation, Hazel and I didn't talk anymore and now I was currently driving back to our pack. Ian and Hannah left first while we stayed for one day more. It surprised me that Hazel agreed almost too quickly when I asked her if it was alright for us to travel back now too. It almost gave me a sense of fear even.

Thankfully, Chase's pack was closer to ours so it was only taking us about thirteen hours of travel.

The whole time, Hazel only kept her eyes outside the window or fell asleep while I tried to keep my eyes on the road. We only said something to each other if either one of us wanted to make a stop for bathroom or food.

The cold and dry atmosphere was normal to us now and if others noticed, they pretended not to. I didn't bring any things up anymore because I knew that she wasn't going to tell me anything and to be quite frank, I was also getting frustrated.

I know I'm paying for the wrong that I've done her, but I was also getting tired for being left in the dark and as much I didn't want to, I couldn't help but feel bitter.

Yes, I was wrong, damn it I know that. But I wanted to make it up to her, I wanted to let her know that I was here now, I wanted to beg her for another chance, but she was cold ice.

The tension was so thick you could easily cut through it and I felt like at this point, a simple drop of water could make us explode.

Finally, we arrived at the pack. It was already night time and although the others waited for us, we briefly greeted them because we were too tired.

Frances was there when we made our quick stop and she was about to approach Hazel, but Hazel shook her head at her to stop her. At that, both Suzy and Derek simply said their hellos and quickly bid us goodbye as we drove to the house.

When I parked the car, I waited for her to get down, but her hands were together as she stared at the house.

"Let's get inside." I said lowly and released the seat belt from her, slowly putting it back.

When I looked at her, she had that same petrified look she had when she helped Hannah, only now she looked worse.

I got off the driver's seat first and went to open the door for her. She looked at me and then back to the house. She was still hesitating.

I held my hand out to her and although I was so sure that she wasn't going to take it, she did. I held her hand and helped her out of the car, she held onto me tightly as I led her to the door.

The closer we got, the paler she became and her hold also became tighter.

I opened the door and she reluctantly came in, her steps reserved.

The cold house greeted us and as I turned on the lights, I led her to the living room, I observed as she visibly became more anxious. She let go of my hand and turned around as if she was going to leave... again.

"Where are you going? It's already dark outside, Hazel." I tried to remain calm although I was as physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted as her.

"I'm staying in the pack house." she said and turned around again to leave, but I caught her arm.

"Please stay."

She looked back at me and shook her head frantically.

"I can't do this. I can't be here, it's too much."

I took a deep breath in and out. My chest was heavy and my mind was clouded. I ran a hand to my face and backwards to my hair.

"Hazel... please." I begged her.

Her eyes had unshed tears now and that hurt me even more. I hated it, I hated this, I hated the way we are right now.

"You don't understand, Archer. It hurts to be here. You-- you don't know." she tried to explain, her breathing heavy.

I held her face with both of my hands and touched my forehead against hers, pleading her to look at me, to listen to me.

"Then make me understand, Hazel. I know I wronged you, I made a mistake, I wasn't there when you wanted me to, but I'm here now. I want to know what's wrong, I want to know what it is that's ripping you apart." I pleaded some more.

"I understand I'm only paying for my mistakes, but until when do I have to keep paying for something I didn't mean to do? Cause I'm so sorry, Hazel, I'm so sorry."

I tried so hard to keep myself from breaking apart, I tried so hard to keep the emotions from overflowing. It was something I was always taught to do, no matter what the situation, keep yourself levelheaded, calm so you can be able to think clearly and make the right decisions.

But seeing Hazel's tears coming down once again, it was getting harder to keep my own pain dammed.

THIRD PERSON POV

Hazel stared at her mate, her chest ripping apart in thousands and thousands of ways and she knew she could not hold them in anymore.

She could not afford to take another step further in the house, much less go on the second floor and stand at the place where she lost her child. How could she even dare to? She was still mourning.

It didn't help that Archer had that pained look on his face, she knew she couldn't hide it from him forever, she had to tell him at one point. It was his child too, no matter how hurt she was that he wasn't there for her.

Hazel knew he was hurting too, she's heard him apologize times and times again and if it were the old her, she would have already forgiven him... but not this time. No, not this time.

This time, it was hard to look at him, to breathe the same air as him. Maybe it was because she was hiding something from him, but much more than that, it was her anger towards him and the pain that was still so fresh that wouldn't let her glance his way.

Balling her fists, she stood her ground. "I've been thinking about us a lot these past few days. Remember when you promised me that I could lean on you for anything, right?" she started, her voice already taking a venomous tone.

"I may have not known you ever since you were young, but I know you, I know you love your pack and you want to protect everyone and put them first. I know it's your duty to want the best for everyone. I understand that and I try not to ask for much. It was the one time I needed you most Archer, but you weren't there when I needed you the most--"

Archer attempted to approach her and reach out to her, but the Luna instinctively took a step back. And then she said it.

Words that would hunt the Alpha for a very long time.

"I lost our baby, Archer." Hazel confessed with tears coming down incessantly.

Archer froze in place, all colour left him. It seemed like time stood in place when he heard those words.

'She lost... our baby?' he repeated to himself, the words heavy and painful.

Hazel watched the realization settle on her mate's face, the shock and then the pain. He stared back at her, at a loss for words, well, what is he supposed to say now?

What can he say?

Archer felt all strength leave him and thankfully, the sofa was right behind me to catch him from his shock. He violently ran a hand through his already messy hair, his heart was beating fast but it was also breaking just as fast.

'Lost... our baby.' he repeated to himself again and again, killing himself a little bit more each time.

"Jessica needed you, I understand. Damn it, I understand, I really do and I have nothing against that. I also want her to be happy. But I needed you too, I needed you to be there with me. I looked for you, I begged for you to come back, but you never did. I wanted you to go through the pain with me, but you left me to deal with it all alone." Hazel's tone took an even harsher tone seeing the hurt that Archer was feeling now.

She wanted to inflict the same pain she felt, she wanted to hurt him just as bad as he hurt her and worse. It was almost too cruel, she was aware, but the anger in her told her not to stop.

"I'm sorry— I didn't—" Archer tried to say.

"I felt so terrible, I didn't know what to do, I just needed you, but you— you weren't here. You never are."

The words hit him stronger and if it was her goal to hurt him, she succeeded.

Guilt and hurt were quickly and deeply instilling themselves deep in his heart. Each second that passed, he realized more and more just how bad the decisions he made were.

Hazel was here, in pain at the loss of the child that was theirs, all alone, she had called for him, but he was nowhere to be found. No wonder she was so angry, no wonder she was at a point of no return.

"I'm sorry..." he started whispering, not noticing the tears that were now falling from his eyes. Hazel was about to keep going, but upon seeing that, she was also taken aback and she held her peace.

"I'm sorry, oh gosh, I'm so sorry Hazel..." he said and kept saying, it was hard to say anything else, the lump in his throat didn't let him to.

His chest heaved high and low, his tears were not coming to a stop and he had forgotten how long ago it was when he last cried like this, or had he ever? He wasn't sure, it wasn't important.

Under his ragged breath, that's all he kept muttering was that he was sorry and he could only hope that his apology reached her.

Mustering his courage, he raised his head to look towards his mate. She was also crying, but he wasn't sure if she was crying out of the pain or out of the anger she felt towards him.

"Wh-why did you only tell me now?" he struggled to get the words out, he had no strength left in him that even talking needed more effort to do.

She bit her lip and looked away, how was she supposed to explain that she didn't know how to tell him? How was she to tell him that she wasn't ready to talk about it, that it hurt too much to think about it, much less talk about it.

"Because you wouldn't have cared anyways." she said, although she knew that that wasn't true, but it was the reason she told herself, it was what kept her anger fresh.

"That's bullcrap Hazel! I wouldn't have cared? Of course I would have cared!" he retorted, not meaning to raise his voice, but at this point, the control he'd mastered his whole life was no more.

"If you cared so much, you would... you would have been here and mourned with me." she insisted and looked away.

Pretty fair, she had a point and who was he to go against that?

Hazel flinched when she saw him stand up and walk towards her, she was scared that he would reach out to her one more time. Because maybe this time, she won't have the strength to push him away like she had been doing for the past month.

"I always cared, Hazel. And I may not show my care in the way others do, but the moment our eyes met at that party, I started to care about you." Archer said and took a deep breath.

In an attempt to slow down the tears, he looked up, but it was to no avail.

"But maybe it's my fault that I'm not as showy as others. After all, you never turned to me when you had a problem, and I was never really sure if you ever did truly trust me? I had to constantly keep asking you what the problem was because I wanted to work it out and even if it was just a little, I wanted to share your burden. I made mistakes in the past and I wanted to make that up to you but every time I tried, I always felt like you always kept me at an arm's length.

You always said that you were fine, you always understood, you were so perfect like that Hazel. Yet you didn't see how much it was hurting us."

He took a moment before resuming.

"I wasn't there when you needed me most and I'm so freaking sorry for that, if I can turn back time to be there, I would. Your loss isn't just your loss Hazel, it's ours and had I known—"

Hazel couldn't bear listening to him anymore, it upset her. It upset her because she was seeing the point he was making.

"Stop." she said in a whisper, but she knew he heard her.

"One time, I wasn't there for one time and that's all it took to destroy everything we had? Is that how easy it is for you to give us up?"

"I don't want to talk to you right now, Archer." Hazel says, bitterly pushing back the tears away.

"It was one time, Hazel."

"But it was the one time I needed you most, Archer!"

And at that, he backed down. She was right. It was the one time she needed him the most and he failed her.

Silence filled the whole room, the same silence that was always between them for a month now, but now, it was an impending silence.

Both didn't know what was going to happen next, although Hazel had an idea.

With all these words said, with everything that happened, she failed to see any room for reconciliation.

They had entered a point of no return, they had hurt each other too much and she was too angry to try and fix something that wasn't worth fixing.

Archer sensed it, he could feel it under his skin and he wished to stop it, but how?

No one dared to open their mouths, but Archer, although it broke his heart to, took the initiative. "And now, Hazel? What becomes of us now?"

When Hazel didn't answer, Archer walked closer towards her.

Her silence was an answer.

He held the side of her head although he felt how rigid she went, as if disgusted with his touch. "Whatever your decisions is, that's okay, because I'll always find you." he says and kisses the side of her head.

Feeling just how repulsive she was to his touch, he put his hands down and took slow steps away from her.

He knew they both needed space, as if the month away from each other hadn't been enough, they both needed time to sort their thoughts and their hearts out.

Being like this at this time, they were just both hurting each other.

But Hazel had her mind set.

Hazel's tears kept falling and before Archer could fully leave, she uttered the words.

"I-I, Hazel..."

Archer's eyes widened even more when he heard her. He turned his head towards her in utter unbelief. Surely... no way right?

"You're not being fair, Haze." he said underneath his breath, losing all of his strength once more. This time the pain was worse, he felt like he wouldn't be able to handle it. He had just learned that he lost his child and now he was losing her too.

He could feel it almost physically, she was truly slipping out of his grasp.

"I, Hazel Sonder, Luna of Luna Flumine, reject Archer Hamilton as my mate."

--------------

the end

charr,

jk.