a walk to the past

For the next few days, my stay had been pretty much just me returning to the places I used to go to and people feeding me everywhere.

I was glad that people started opening to me about the issues of the pack. They didn't expressly ask for help, but I could hear their unsaid pleas for help and that strengthened my resolve to try and help them in a way I can.

One of the things that shocked me the most was to find out that Frances stepped down as the pack doctor. I immediately went to find her after hearing the news. In fact, she had stepped down about a month after I had left the pack.

I barged in her home, not caring if it was rude, I needed to find out why she would do that.

"Why would you step down?!" I asked her, hoping that she didn't step down because of what happened to me.

Frances was shocked by my sudden disturbance, but when she kept looking away from me, I knew that my guess must've been correct.

"I always doubted if I was good enough for such an important position..." Frances said and looked back at me with a sad smile, "it was a personal choice Hazel, please don't take it in the wrong way."

"And are you happy with that choice?" I ask her, staring right into her eyes. When her gaze wavered, I had my answer. But she looked away again. I walked towards her. "Frances, sometimes things happen and we don't know the reason why. Sometimes you can't save everyone." I started.

"Frances, look at me." I held her by both arms and forced her to look at me and when she did, I spoke again. "What happened to me was one of those sometimes, so don't blame yourself, please."

She looked down, her eyes teary and she took a deep breath. "Th-thank you..."

"And if it was a personal choice, I respect that, but please, the pack needs you. You're one of the best doctors I've met." I tell her and hug her.

When we both let go, she smiled at me. "Thank you, Hazel. Really..." I smile back at her.

"It's nothing. I know this was your dream, I just don't want you to let it go because of something that was unforeseen."

I stayed at Frances house for a few more minutes as we talked some more. I was able to get more information about the current pack's state and although she was hesitant to answer at first, I pressed the answers out of her.

When it was getting late, I decided to finally leave, the kitchen helps might be wondering where I am now. As I was walking down the front yard, Frances called out to me once more, causing me to turn to her.

"The pack needs you too."

My smile faltered a bit, but I held it and nodded before bidding her goodbye once more.

I started walking back to the pack house, Frances' last words weighed heavily on me. It's true, the pack needs a Luna, a pack can only go so long without one, but what surprises me is how big the consequences are.

And what if I were to be the Luna of this pack once more? I stopped myself, I refused to entertain the thought. It was impossible. Archer and I have too much tangled strings to work out once more. Too much things has happened and too much time has passed.

And besides, I don't even know how he feels towards me. I have rarely seen him during my current stay. The last time I conversed with him was that time I accidentally met him at the stairs.

Sure, I would see him from afar talking to some pack members or to Allan or Derek, but when I looked away and looked back, he wasn't there anymore.

I always ate with the pack and they always prepare me a feast even if they were probably having a hard time finding good ingredients with lands being contaminated and all, but still Archer never came down and although I was tempted to ask, I didn't.

Thinking of all these things, I found myself in front of our house. Well, it was Archer's, but even if it was for a short while, it has also become my home.

As I stared at it, I was saddened by the fact that it looked so empty and dark. It looked like a house for rent. It wasn't the house full of warmth and comfort that I've come to known.

I suddenly remembered the very last time that I was here, the last conversation I had with Archer, the rejection, the goodbye. I also remembered the miscarriage, I remembered the loneliness and anger I felt back then.

And suddenly, my heart was breaking once again. However, no tears fell.

I had cried way too much for the past year, I don't think I have any tears left to cry.

I wondered if Archer was inside, but I couldn't catch his scent anywhere, in fact his scent was very faint, as if it only lingered.

Although it took courage, I forced myself to revisit the house. The place I had once called home, the place I had once looked forward coming to, the place where Archer and I built our relationship and the same place where we destroyed it.

When I turned the doorknob, I was glad to find that it wasn't locked because I wouldn't have the keys.

Walking inside, I was shocked to find the furnitures all draped in white cloth. It looked like an abandoned house from the outside and even more so on the inside. The counters at the kitchen collected dust, other furnitures had cobwebs.

One more thing that surprised me is some furnitures that looked like they were slammed on the ground. Some lamps and vases were broken on the floor and so I had to be careful with my steps because I was only wearing sandals.

It was cold and empty and in such a big house like this, it felt even more so and then it dawned on me.

Archer doesn't live here anymore...

That fact was clear and obvious, his scent can barely be traced. It's as if he left this place a long time ago. But why?

After my shocking tour, I mustered more courage to go upstairs. I walked up the staircase, each step slow and hesitant, but I found myself in front of my old room. The room that I used to be in when I first arrived, before sharing one room with Archer.

I was surprised to find my clothes all intact in the drawers. If I remembered right, in my anger, I made a mess in trying to take as little baggage as I can on my way back to my home pack. The room should've been a mess, but it wasn't.

Like downstairs, the tables and chairs were dusty, but it was nonetheless kept clean.

After visiting my old room, I stood in front of the door of our old room.

I lied.

I said I didn't have tears left to cry, but suddenly, standing here once more, it brought up things that I had tried so hard to forget and I felt like my heart was breaking again.

Again. Again. Again.

But I opened the door, not knowing what to expect. Would everything still be the same? Would it have collected dust also? Would everything be as wrecked as I had left them to be?

When I stood at the door and observed the room, my tears fell.

It was pitch dark. Big, thick curtains covered any light from the windows so I went and opened it. The dust from the curtains made me cough so I had to get away from it. The sun was setting, but it provided enough light for the room.

Like my room, it was clean. There weren't anything on the floor, the tables and chairs were dusty, the bed was properly made.

But what surprised me were the withered white lilies on the night table on my side of the bed. White lilies were a symbol for grieving in the werewolf community. It signified mourning. My heart started beating so fast as I approached the table and as I got closer, I saw a small paper.

I wasn't the one who left it there and the thought that it must've been Archer made me even more anxious.

Now that it was in front of me, I could see there were two papers. The first one was filmsy, it seemed like a photograph. The other paper was thick and it faced down. Moving the withered petals, I took both the papers.

The filmsy one was a picture of Archer and I at the private area at the restaurant Dal Mare where Rowell cooked delicious food for us when we went to the beach.

I was leaning on Archer, his arm lightly wrapped around my shoulders as our backs faced the beautiful sea and orange sunset. I had a huge smile plastered on my face and Archer had a happy smile as well, probably the only photo where he can be seen smiling.

I remember taking the photo, but I never knew he printed them and kept them here. Knowing that kind of broke my heart as well.

I was holding back the tears from falling even more, but when I saw the content of the thicker paper, I started sobbing.

"Little angel of mine,

perhaps I will never get to meet you

and that is something I will always regret.

In another life, I would cherish you like you deserve to be.

In another life, I would protect you.

In another life, I would love you to death.

Little angel of mine,

forgive me that I wasn't there when you decided to go.

Forgive me I wasn't there for you and your mom.

Little angel of mine,

you may be gone, but you will be remembered.

If there is anything you remember of us,

angel of ours,

your mom and I love you from the bottom of our hearts."

As I read each line, my heart broke to pieces again. The grief came back, but it wasn't just that. The fact that Archer mourned by himself broke me.

I slowly started realizing that truly, I wasn't the only one who experienced a loss. He did too.

"Hazel, are you okay?!" I heard a voice beam out all of a sudden.

I immediately looked towards the door where I saw Archer, panting and panicked as if he had ran all over.

When he saw me crying, he quickly came in front of me, but then he saw what I was holding. The look on his face changed from worry to realization. I found the letter he wrote for our unborn child.

I turned around, wiped my tears quickly and calmed myself down. Archer, in turn, took his time to even out his breathing.

My legs gave up on me and I ended up sitting on the bed behind me. We were both quiet, not knowing what to say for the hundredth time. I looked at the picture and the letter once more, when he took it out from my hands.

"You shouldn't have read this." Archer mentioned.

Slowly, I raised my head and looked at him. I didn't know what to answer him. We stared at each other for a bit.

"Why don't you live here? Why is it so empty here?" I asked instead, ignoring his reproof of me reading the letter.

His eyes didn't leave mine. "I didn't know you wanted to stay here. If you want to--"

"That's not what I'm asking and you know it."

Archer remained silent, this time, I could see how the expression in face turned to a sad bitterness, as if he was remembering a regretful memory from a distant past.

"I couldn't Hazel. I couldn't come home to a place where all I see is you only to realize the next that you aren't. I'm not a sadist."

I was prepared to argue with him, but hearing that, I couldn't think of anything else.

"You could have made new memories without me, you know." I said although it hurt me to simply say the words.

The spot next to me sank and I knew that he sat right beside me now.

"I did," he answered and I looked at him hurriedly only to see the bitter smile on his face, "but they're all miserable memories." he laughed to himself, but that made it even sadder.

I didn't press further, I didn't ask what he meant.

Realizing that this is probably the only time I will ever get to speak with him like this again, I seized the chance.

I turned to him lightly and sensing that, he looked back at me, the setting sunlight hit his light brown eyes and they looked beautifully translucent and then he smiled. The smile that easily made my heart flutter.

"How are you Archer? How are you really?"

And just like that, his smile was gone, he looked away before looking back at me to answer.

"Well, I lost a child, my mate rejected me and my pack is getting attacked almost every week. I'd say I'm not doing too great." he answered honestly.

I noticed that he tried to keep his tone together or else he might break down. He was slowly rubbing his hands together, indicating that he probably felt anxious.

Seeing that saddened me greatly. He honestly looked like he was just trying to get a hold of everything as much as he can, but he was falling apart himself. It was like the pack, I know that they tried to keep a happy environment for me, but I knew that they were also just holding it in together.

"I'm sorry Ar--"

"My goodness, Hazel don't be. What's done is done. I was a bad mate, I wasn't there when you suffered and needed me, I didn't show you the love you needed, so please don't ever feel sorry for that. I understand... I understand why you r-... rejected me."

My tears fell again, this isn't how it's supposed to be. This isn't what I want to see. At this point he was just blaming himself for everything.

"No that's not true, Archer, and I am truly sorry. You weren't a bad mate at all. Yes, you made mistakes, you had your own shortcomings but so did I. Like you said, I was never completely honest with you to begin with. I always held it down thinking that I could handle everything on my own and when everything became too much and I looked for you, you weren't there.

I got so angry, I got so depressed. I didn't know how to handle the pain of losing our child and the only way I saw fit was to blame it all on you, to blame everything on you. To hurt you and make you feel the same pain I felt." I explained and as soon as the words got out, my chest felt lighter. A weight that I've been carrying for a whole year was now off my shoulders.

He listened closely and then he looked down and nodded and then looked back at me. Again, we were caught into each other's eyes, as if the longer we looked at each other, we were getting pulled into each other once more, but he broke it off first.

"That might be as well, Hazel. We had our own mistakes and maybe we've learned from them now... but that doesn't change anything now." he said, slapping the reality on both of us.

It was true, we may have learned from our past mistakes now, but at the end of the day, I still rejected him. At the end of the day, our mate bond was already severed. What was I expecting, even?

I looked down on my feet, realizing what he wanted to say.

"But I'm so glad to see you, Hazel. I'm glad to see you smiling and laughing again. It's been a while since I've seen that. And the pack missed you."

"Did you miss me?" I ask and he was taken back for a bit.

"Every damn day."