Chapter 12 E P I P H A N Y

E P I P H A N Y

(English) (n.) a moment of sudden revelation.

It had been a few hours now since Eunae stood by the shore and watched the sun do its leaving ritual.

Settling her feet on the grainy sand and focusing her eyes on the dancing yellow ball of light, her mind was somewhere else, digging answers on what to do next.

It had been a week or so since she ran away, and she honestly did not have any clues on what to do next.

Trying to find any sort of answer, she backtracked the conversation she had with Sehun and strived to understand the heaviness of each word he uttered.

And as she did so, Eunae found herself pondering on one question:

Did she really love Jaehyun?

With everything she had been through and finally reaching her limits, it was perhaps the right time to know the extent of what she had feeling towards him.

And finding the answer to her question, Eunae bit her lip and sighed.

Yes, she did.

She knew she loved Jaehyun, probably more than anyone and anything in this world.

She loved his almost perfect face and body-his thick brows she used to pick on; the pair of shimmering eyes that always held hers; his plump lips that looked like cotton candies; his broad shoulders that easily identified him as a basketball player; his thick thighs that screamed unending practices; even those calloused yet gentle hands of his-everything.

She loved how good he was in almost everything.

She loved his father-like laugh, his prince-like smile, his insulting sneers, even his snores that always echoed through those tiring nights.

Eunae loved everything about him.

She loved how he stood by her when she no one would; how his thumbs used to wipe away her tears at night; how he used to encase her in a hug every time she needed it; how he used to sing to make her laugh; how he used to bring her in the amusement park even though it wasn't her birthday.

She loved how they used to spend some time in the library, reading books and sneaking food; how they used to stay in the gym after class to play basketball; how they used to go to the beach with their families and enjoy summer; how they used to play soccer at school and go home with multiple scratches on their knees.

She loved how they used to play in the rain and get runny noses right after; how they endlessly bickered and conversed satirically until one of them get pissed; how they used to share everything and not keep secrets from each other; how he used to care for her-how he used to love her.

Eunae loved everything they had.

She loved the playfulness within him and the child in him when no one would; how he always tried to get the best and be the best he could ever be. She loved the dreamer within him-the dreamer who always tried to reach everything he could and be the brightest star in the starry night.

She also loved his weaknesses; how he sometimes lost his composure and easily got angry; how petty he could get when it came to things he wanted and loved; how nervous he could get; how the snarky attitude used to rarely come and go; how he backed out a few times as fear swamped him.

Eunae loved every detail about him and she loved him for who he was.

She loved the best friend she found in him-the Jaehyun she found in this lifetime. She would love being married to him over and over again-to have kids with him-to build a family of their own. She loved Jaehyun-Eunae always did.

But did she really?

And just then realization seemed to wash over her.

She stopped on her tracks and stood frozen by the shore. Her feet meeting the small crashing waves of the sea and her body swaying in synchronization with each strong blow of the passing wind.

Suddenly, the wheels in her head stopped working just as much the time did. Her eyes shook and her lips trembled restlessly upon the realization that maybe, maybe she was not in love with him after all, but in the idea of falling in love with him-of marrying him-of having a family with him-having a normal functional family of her own she grew up not having.

As tears swelled up her eyes and immediately made a ran to her cheeks like runners in a marathon competing to reach the final line, Eunae tightly gripped the hem of her tank top and curled her hands into fists. She shook her head momentarily and sighed.

She wished she were just in love with the idea of falling in love with him, but Eunae knew it was not the case-she knew she loved Jaehyun and the idea of having a family with him was just a part of her fantasies of being in love with him.

It might be true that having kids and having a family of her own was one of her dreams; however, Jaehyun was her dream-he had always been the dream. He was her utmost desire and everything else just came along.

Eunae knew she loved him; she always did.

But this time, she also knew she might not have loved him enough.

She knew she did not, because if she really did, then she would not have caged him. She would not have cut his wings and held him back. She would had never forced him to stay in this loveless marriage they were trapped into.

She would had never separated him from the person he truly loved. She would not let his unborn child see the world and live a life of having a broken family-to live the same exact thing she did and would never want anyone else to go through.

If she truly loved him, then his happiness should also had been her own-she would had loved seeing him find happiness even it meant being without her.

If she truly loved him, then she had to let go-she had to let him go, of their marriage, of everything in between and everything they had. She had to set him free even if that meant breaking her heart again.

She had to let him live a fulfilling life ahead of him-to be a father to his child and a husband to the person whom he really loved even if that meant breaking their vows.

Eunae knew that as her final act of love, she had to let him go without needing the words to come from him anymore. Maybe it had already been a long time coming.

Gazing back at the beautiful sunset before her, a bitter but unshackling smile curved her lips. With a sigh, that sounded like a Eunae suddenly felt light. It felt almost as if a heavy block was lifted from her shoulder, almost like all the things she had been trying to keep had been fully set free.

She was finally able to breathe again.

And she knew what she had to do now.

Definitely.

At last.