Chapter 13 L A D O U L E U R E X Q U I S E

L A D O U L E U R E X Q U I S E

(French) (n.) the exquisite pain of wanting the affection of someone you know you can never have.

Walking to the place she called home for the last two years, Eunae tried to memorize very detail it held. She was not expecting that having a good long look could give a myriad of flashbacks that stirred her from within. It was a combination of the good ones and the bad ones-probably everything she never knew that would eventually lead to where they were now.

Time surely flies, and it flies fast.

Gulping the lump on her throat, Eunae could easily recognize the voices echoing from the inside. They sounded familiar-too familiar as a matter of fact that she could even somehow picture how they looked as they talked.

"Eunae! Where have you been, darling?" Was the question she was greeted with as soon as she opened the door.

Swiftly gazing at her surrounding, she took note how they looked utterly distraught. Everyone was in the living room, huddling together with eyes looking as helpless and tired as they ever could.

Although everyone was swarming at her, Eunae did not miss how Jaehyun looked incredibly distressed. There were huge black shadows under his eyes, and he was also relatively thinner as if he were not taking care of himself. Even the house looked as if no one had been around to look after it. It was messy; everything was all over the place, looking as if the house was flipped upside down.

"We've been trying to find you everywhere," Jaehyun's mother wept. "We've been trying to contact you too, but our phone calls couldn't reach you. Darling, where exactly have you been?"

Overwhelmed, Eunae composed herself as she tried to come up with a response. Her eyes immediately shifting to her mother, who soothingly rubbed her arm.

"You've been gone for a whole week," Eunha softly said. "What happened, sweetheart?"

"I'm so sorry, Mom, I had a business to attend to," Eunae started, looking down bashfully. "I sorted out some unresolved things, so it took me quite long to come back," she said truthfully, pursuing her lips before smiling apologetically.

It was the truth though.

Sorting out her unresolved feelings was a business she had to take care of. She had been brushing it off for the past two years and it was just likely that it would take her long to settle. A week's time to finally come up with a decision on where her life was going was not even long if she would be very honest.

"You should've at least had the decency to tell us," suddenly, Jaehyun's hoarse voice resonated. His scrutinizing eyes boring on hers. "We couldn't sleep nor eat for the past few days because of you."

"How about we talk it over dinner?" Before Eunae could even speak, Daeun went ahead to break the heavy air settling in. Her hand brushing Jaehyun's arms as if to calm him down.

"Let's go."

A sinking feeling almost instantly pierced through Eunae while looking at them walk away. She could not help but to smile bitterly, finally acknowledging how they looked good together. They were like puzzle pieces that just seemed to fit perfectly-one thing Eunae and Jaehyun could probably never be.

Just as Eunae was about to follow suit in the dining table, she immediately stopped on her tracks and looked back, "Mom?" She asked, confused as to why Eunha tugged her wrist.

But then, silence was the only reply she ever got. Eunha merely looked at her as if trying to see through her-one thing that confused her even more.

"Nothing, sweetheart," Just as she was about to ask again, a shake in the head quickly cut her off. "Let's eat?"

"Your second wedding anniversary is fast approaching, isn't it? Is there anything you both want to do? Maybe an overseas trip?"

Dinner seemed to be going smoothly, or that Eunae thought, because the moment Jaehyun's mom suddenly threw such question, she found herself stiffening just as much as how the Daeun and Jaehyun did, who were sitting beside each other right in front of her.

"We haven't talked about it, mom," Jaehyun answered with a strained voice, and this time around, Eunae chose not to back him up.

She had been giving their parents all kinds of goddamn excuses for two whole years just so he could continue seeing Daeun. She had already done her fair share of putting up with every bullcrap they played, and it was his turn to do his part. She had enough of it. All she could think of was wondering when it would be the right to time to inform them about her decisions.

"How about you talk about it soon? Maybe after dinner," his mother suggested, "Wouldn't a honeymoon part two be a likely choice? I'd like to have grandchild soon."

From the corner of her eyes, Eunae saw how Jaehyun and Daeun stiffened. Even though she was not looking at him, she could clearly see how a muscle in his jaw ticked.

"Mom, can we-"

"I want a divorce," Eunae finally spit it out, cutting him off.

Silence hung in the air as soon as she said those words. It went oddly quiet before deep loud gasps and the clanking of the utensils echoed in the dining room.

"W-what?"

Eunae was expecting their parents to be baffled, but never did she imagine Jaehyun being utterly shocked. Was he probably assuming she would stay with him forever?

Eunae could not help but to internally shake her head.

Putting down the utensils on her plate, she looked at them before firmly holding her ground, "I said, I want a divorce."

"Eunae, what is this? What is happening?"

"Was there any problem between the both of you?"

"What's going on?"

Questions after questions came rushing before her and it was making it harder for her to do what she needed. Every question just seemed to pull her back in doing what was right, but she knew backing out was not an option she could consider any longer. Eunae promised herself she would finally leave the home she had been suffering in for the last two years-and nothing could stop her from doing so.

"It's not like this marriage is working, anyway," she confessed, and from her peripheral view, she could see how Jaehyun looked at her with wide eyes and how Daeun flinched, but Eunae did not care.

If she would not do this, then she would surely see herself six feet under in a matter of months.

And Eunae did not want that.

Not when she had finally realized how much life had more to offer-that there was more to life than the suffering she had chosen to stick with-that there was still hope for her to begin again-that it was still not too late.

"We've been trying to make this work for the past two years, Mom, but it isn't working," Eunae placed her hand on top of her lap and sighed. "We've already invested so much time and effort in trying to save this marriage from falling apart, but we've had enough. If we push this even more, we'll just end up hurting each other more than what we've already had."

"And as for the grandchild you've been wishing for, you already have one," Eunae said, looking at Daeun with a genuine smile. "Daeun is pregnant with Jaehyun's child."

"Jaehyun!" Suddenly, his father hollered, abruptly standing up from his seat. "How could you do this?! How could y-"

Just as Eunae was about to stand up, a loud pack echoed in the room, catching her off guard.

"You ungrateful sly bitch!" His mother yelled angrily, while Daeun held her cheek. "I knew you had something with my son! How da-"

"Please, stop!" Eunae screeched, stopping his parents from launching at the two people in front of her.

She knew they would angry, but then, Eunae had to tell the truth. One way or another it would come out anyway, and this was probably the right time to reveal it-when she was still there, when she could ensure their family would be accepted by his parents-that as her final act of love, she would protect the unborn of his as much as she could as her parting gift.

Watching how he protectively hugged Daeun, while the latter had tears streaming down her face, Eunae knew, right at that moment, that she did the right thing-it was the best decision she could ever do.

"Eunae, darling-"

"Don't take it on her, please," Eunae pleaded. "Daeun's pregnant with your grandchild-your own blood and flesh."

A choked sob escaped her lips and a couple more were sure to come. The familiar burning of her throat reminded her how things were soon to roll; hence as much as she could she pushed down the incoming sobs back to her throat before smiling ever so gently.

"We all know Jaehyun has always been in love with her. The only reason we had this marriage was to only save the business, wasn't it?" She reminded, "And it had already served its purpose. It's time for us to move on with our lives."

"They have a baby on the way, Mom, Dad," Eunae breathed heavily, before smiling. "Let's give the child a complete family to grow up in."

To say those things right in from of the person whom she had always loved surely relayed that she was finally giving up. She had to make a decision that would be the best for all of them even if that meant sacrificing her heart on the line. But as much as it hurt, the freedom shaking her core and breaking the shackles that had been holding her back were more than enough to help her get through this.

His mom sobbed harder than she did, and it took everything Eunae had not to take back everything she said. It broke her heart seeing the person whom she considered as her second mother break down right in front of her with eyes swimming with pity and shame. If there was another way to end things without being this hurtful, then she could have had possibly done it, but then, there was no other way to finish the façade they started without ripping their hearts open.

His mother went up to her and immediately took her hand as his father shamefully looked down with regret contorting his face, "I-I'm sorry, darling you deserve better than this. I'm so sorry."

And just then, Eunae could no longer suppress the sobs that shook her body seeing the two of the most important persons in her life look like this. They were the people who had her back ever since her father left. They were the people who embraced her like a child of their own, showered her with parental love to fill in the gaps and holes her father had left behind. They were the people who loved her fully and truly.

And seeing them like this-looking like parents who were disappointed of themselves as if it was everything that had transpired was their liability squeezed her heart painfully.

"No, no, this isn't your fault," Eunae scrambled to say. Her hands frantic to comfort his mother. "If there's anyone to blame it would've been me. I should've just ended this right after the business got back to its footing, but I was just too selfish to let him go."

"Mom, Dad," Eunae mumbled, smiling at them through her tears. "The three of us deserve better than being stuck in this foolish situation. I know you'll eventually have the heart to accept what happened between us. We've already gone through so much, and we've all had enough."

Soon after they recovered from her abrupt news, Eunae immediately spun on her heels, "I'm going upstairs and pack my bags."

She was busy stuffing her remaining clothes in her luggage when the door burst open with a bang. It was too loud that it made her jolt, taking her full attention.

"What stunt is this?" Was Jaehyun's menacing growl. "Do you think this pity show will change my mind and choose you?"

"I'm tired of the show, Jaehyun," Eunae said wearily as she went back to packing her luggage. "And I have no plans of changing your mind."

Truth be told, Eunae was already too tired to even have a conversation with him. She had been crying her eyes out for the past days, barely stuffing her stomach with good food, and her body had been already screaming for a rest. She had even thrown up for a couple of times yesterday morning, due to dizziness. She had been feeling so dehydrated and beaten up that it came as a surprise that she still managed to drive and arrive safely.

"Yeah? You want me to believe that?"

"Feel free not to," she said nonchalantly. "I'm not going to force you to believe me. As I said, I have no plans of changing your mind."

"Cut the bullshit and just tell me what you are scheming!"

Sighing heavily, she shook her head and focused solely on her bag. "I'm not scheming anything. Can you just please leave me alone?"

"You went missing for god knows how long and you came back wanting for a divorce. Do you think I'm that dumb not to know you have something else hidden under your sleeve?" He roared.

"Then here, listen," she said without looking at him. Her eyes tiredly scanning the almost empty cabinet in front of her. "This marriage was a mistake and I'm fixing it. It's my mistake and I'm trying to fix everything, okay? I'm taking full responsibility of this."

Packing the last piece of clothing, she zipped up her luggage before turning to him, "I know I'm the one to blame in all of this, that's why I'm doing everything I can to patch it all up. I should've done this earlier on."

Grabbing her luggage, she strode to the door and purposely stopped on her tracks to stand in front of him. She wanted to look at him for the last time. To memorize the features she would not be seeing any time soon. But instead of bringing with her the familiar look she had always wanted to stare at for a little longer, he rather gave her an unreadable face to remember, almost as if a myriad of emotions swept him from within.

"I-I'm so sorry for everything. I honestly didn't know that my way of loving you was hurting you. I was blinded by selfishness, and didn't know what love meant, but trust me, I do now," she confessed truthfully, looking at him straight in the eyes as she tightened her grip on the handle. Her voice lowering to the softest she could ever have. "I'll handle everything from here."

Prickly tears pooled in the corner of her eyes as she gazed at the man, she had loved all her life.

They spent so many years together and she was very grateful for the memories they had created-the good ones and the bad ones, both of which shaped them to the people they had become. The path they took was rough. It left them bruised and beaten but they were learnings she knew she would always remember, but also would never look back.

Standing in front of the man whom she was willing to give up everything for, made her feel bittersweet-bitter that she had to see him find his happiness without her, but sweet that he would be able to genuinely smile once again.

Time surely flies.

Two years ago, they also stood like this in front of the altar, exchanging their vows of 'til death do us part'. And here they were now, saying goodbye and breaking the promise they once shared.

A surge of longing washed over her that Eunae immediately brought her hands on the either side of his cheek. It took her quite long to gaze at him tenderly as the tears blurred her vision. "You've always known that I love you, have you?" she asked, chuckling a little. "I really can't hide anything from you, huh?" She added before her voice seemed to become smaller and smaller as she spoke a little more. "And I'll always love you."

Eunae closed her eyes and leaned to touch his lips. She wanted to at least bid him goodbye in a manner where all she could remember was pleasant parting. Perhaps a little more intimate for the last time.

But as her breath got stuck in her throat, the parting kiss she eagerly wanted to give him never came. She could not bring herself to touch his lips when pain and desolation swamped her, finally realizing that this was really it.

This was the last time she was going to touch him.

The last time she was going to hold him.

The last time she was going see him.

This was finally their last goodbye.