THIRTY EIGHT

Lexie

I didn't know why I was following Ryder. He had his fingers tightly around mine, and something in him seemed to have changed. When he pulled me close to him by the bed, he kissed me more gently. He'd stopped yelling at whatever force kept pulling us together, and he'd stopped trying to get rid of me from his life, his penthouse, and his bedroom. He touched my bare arms, which made me shiver.

I knew I should tell him something, but I just couldn't do it. He might stop if I did. If he had known he would be my first. He might force himself to act morally by making it into something bigger than it was. But this was the right choice. I knew it in my bones, just like I knew that every boy I'd been close to before him wasn't right. Hadn't been enough.

So I didn't say anything. Instead, I touched him. I took advantage of the fact that he was now calm and ran my hands over his thick muscles. Smoothed them over his chest muscles and his strong, corded shoulders. He took off the clasp on my bra and slid the thin straps over my shoulders until the bra fell between us. Then he pulled down the pants that went with them, and I stood naked in front of him.

On its own, that was a first.

The sun was coming in. Funny how I always thought it would be at night, when it was dark. This was a huge improvement. I could see him from head to toe. The small changes in the way his chest went up and down as he took me in. How his eyes got smaller and darker.

The thick, dark hair that ran down his stomach in a line. As he reached for me, his hands were shaking.

When he kissed me again, he did it more gently. Even as he lifted me and put me on the bed, he did it more slowly. My heart was going crazy. It was going on. It really was going on. After waiting, wishing, and wanting for weeks, I was finally going to get Ryder.

I leaned back and pulled him along. He was holding himself up with one arm and holding my wrist with the other hand, pinning it to the bed. I was surrounded by pillows, and his warm, heavy body was on top of me. His knee was between my legs, and it was as hard as a rock on my leg, but neither of us wanted to move too fast. We used our hands and mouths to feel each other out. I licked his throat, bit his shoulders, and lightly scraped my teeth over his collarbone. His tongue was dancing erotically in my ear, and I could feel it all over my body. I was feeling a lot of different things at the same time. Relief, joy, disbelief. At last, it was going to happen. Nothing could stop me from making Ryder Williams my first, not even the end of the world.

When I flicked my tongue into his ear, he grabbed my wrist tighter. "I need to get inside you," he said in a low, drugged-sounding whisper.

I tensed up as I felt him move, getting his manhood in the right place and gently nudging it against my opening. I stopped breathing and held on to him with the hand he wasn't using to pin me to the bed. He was sweaty, so his skin was wet. At first, he got in with no trouble.

He said in a thick voice, "You're so tight." "Fuck, you feel so good. All I want to do is–"

I whispered into his shoulder, "You can," as I closed my eyes and braced myself.

He pushed the whole length of his shaft into me, and with one quick thrust, he took my virginity. I cried out in pain, but then a wave of pleasure took away the pain. He was unsure at first, but I wrapped my legs around his and wouldn't let him go.

"Don't stop," I begged. "Not right now."

Ryder lost control with a muttered curse, and he started moving his hips harder and faster. As the waves of pleasure got higher, even the memory of the first pain washed away. I held on to him tighter, moaning his name over and over as I wrapped my arms around his cock and went deeper and deeper into it.

Black tinged the edges of my vision as I climaxed forcefully and gasped out his name. Then I saw his eyes turn black, with his pupils covering up his irises as he came. As he poured himself into me, his hips pumped once, then twice more.

Then he fell on top of me, and our hearts beat together as we lay there together. I knew he would have questions later. But right now, neither of us could say anything. We had both worn ourselves out, and as the sun went down, we fell asleep in each other's arms.

The next morning, I heard the shower when I woke up. I didn't know where I was for a minute. Who went into my apartment? Was Samantha there? Then, the memory of my night with Ryder came back to me, burning away the sleep fog. I turned over in his big bed and put a hand on the bump next to me. Not cold. I put my forehead on the smooth, silky sheets and took a deep breath. I could barely smell his cologne, but it was spicy and reminded me of his hands on my body. I felt a rush of emotion, but it wasn't enough to get rid of the worry that was deep in my heart.

I wonder what Samantha would think.

The shower turned off, and the hard spray turned into loud droplets that pattered. I could hear the glass door open. I put on my dress and thought about leaving as quickly as possible, but the bathroom door opened before I could figure out where the rest of my clothes were. Ryder stood in the doorway with a towel around his waist. He was lit from behind by the bright light above him.

Our eyes met. His stare was fixed and hard to understand.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

My cheeks got very hot. I hoped he wouldn't be able to see my red face in the watery morning light that was coming in from behind me. I was honest when I said, "I didn't want it to matter."

A flash of emotion that was quickly covered up. He pulled the towel tighter. "I should have known."

“Why? So you could use it as another reason to delay what we both knew would happen?" In the luxurious bed, I got on my knees and put my hands on my hips. "Did you want me to go out and lose my virginity to anyone before you were ready to—"

He scolded Lexie, "Don't even think about finishing that sentence." I could see his muscles tightening in his crossed arms.

"What's the real deal here?" I made him move. "Do you want me to learn more things? Should—"

Ryder moved quickly across the room and grabbed me by the arms. Even though he was careful about how much pressure he put on my skin with his fingers, I was still unable to move. My face was below his, and his dark eyes were looking straight down at me. "Don't ever talk to me again about going out and meeting more men," he said in a voice I'd never heard him use before.

Even though the way he talked and how big he was should have scared me, I moved closer. It was still wet on his chest. The raindrops quickly soaked through the thin fabric of my dress. His hands moved up my arms, over my shoulders, and into my hair until he was holding my face between them. This made my nipples stand up and get hard. The harsh rasp of his breath showed that his words were still in the air. I wanted to close my eyes and give in to the feelings that were rushing through my body, but his dark eyes kept me from doing that.

I said, "I won't," in such a low voice that he wouldn't have heard me if there had been more than a few inches between my lips and his ears. I didn't even think to ask him why I couldn't play games like I had seen other girls do. Both of us knew. He was mine. Even though he isn't mine yet, I was his. Whether he wanted it or not, I had given him more than my virginity.

I could tell by the look on his face that he wasn't sure which one it was. I could tell that his body wanted me because I could feel it. The fight was going on in his mind, between the primitive, animal part of his brain and the part that remembered what would happen if he didn't stop.

Later, with my heart pounding in my throat, I quietly left Ryder's building. All the way up the block, I could almost taste the adrenaline. Just as my heartbeat was getting back to normal, my smart watch buzzed on my wrist. I looked down and saw Samantha's name.

She is aware.

I felt sick with guilt, and it almost took away the glow of the stolen morning hours with Ryder. But not quite. I took a deep breath and held it. Samantha couldn't have known. Sure, I could let my paranoia lead me down a rabbit hole, but maybe someone she knew saw me in the lobby yesterday and again just now, put two and two together, and now she's just gotten off the phone with them and is calling me to tell me I'm the worst friend ever.

It's just guesswork. Could never last. I tightened my grip on it before I could make this story even more exciting. Still, my watch was buzzing, and I was still looking at her name and trying to decide what to do. My mind put me in the witness stand right away. What would someone who did nothing wrong do?

It was clear what to do. Like always, they'd answer the phone. Breezy voice. You get up early. The cross-examination would only have something to go on if the behavior was different from what would be expected. Why didn't you answer or return your best friend's call? You didn't live in her condo, did you?

Before my paranoia could get worse, I pulled my phone out of my purse and answered it on the third ring.

"You're up early," I said in a voice that was more raspy than easy.

Samantha said, "You sound sick." "Is my dad working you too hard?"

I tried not to choke when I thought about how hard we'd been on each other the night before. to the point of breaking and further. Even as I wept and thought about it, my inner thighs hurt.

“No. I just want to say—," I started. "I'm just tired."

"Late night?" Samantha's voice had the usual implication that came with those two words. I was sad and thought, "God, if she only knew."

I tried to get away with it by laughing. “No—just.” I looked desperately for a good reason or excuse, but I couldn't find one. I finally said, "I'm just tired."

"Huh, well, I don't believe you, but that's fine. You'll tell me when I come to see you in a month!"

A flock of startled birds flew up in the small park-like area in front of my building. Even though they were already 20 feet in the air, a small dog yipped with joy, jumped up, and snapped at their tail feathers. I was stunned as I looked at the scene. In a month, Samantha was coming to visit? Why not in the last few weeks, when I really wanted to see her? Why now, when I finally—

My mind would not let me think about her father at all.

"Lexie, did you hear me?" Samantha asked her. "I'll be there for a long weekend in October."

"What day is it?"

"It's Indigenous People's Day, you monster."

I laughed once more. This time, it was real and right, but even to my own ears, it sounded weak. "That's really cool. I'm excited to see you."

"We'll have to be each other's tour guides," she said with excitement. "I'm sure you've found a lot of fun new places to show me. Maybe with that mysterious guy, who I know is making you act so flaky."

"Uh, yeah." I was still watching the birds glide to a different green space, their black wings spread wide and flashing across the landscape of high rises and the vertical slices of bright blue sky between them. After I thought about what she had said, I laughed again, but this time a little harder.

"You're going to be disappointed, though. Lexie in LA is the same as Lexie in college. Most of my time is spent working, and I don't know of any hotter places than the local coffee shop."

Samantha said, "Then I'll take you to my favorite places." "Lexie, you need to have fun while you're in LA. I know you only care about the end result, but you do know that life is also a journey."

Some fun. Again, I was in Ryder's bed. Again, I was mad at myself. I took the initiative.

"Talking about life and endings, why doesn't your dad know you want to be an actor?"

I didn't realize until it was too late that I was giving her a reason to ask, "Why are you and my dad suddenly so close?" But Samantha just let out a breath, which wasn't at all strange. "I don't think you know my dad. "Well, maybe you do now," she thought. But if he knew I was going to act, he'd hate it. He thinks that the business is full of too many narcissists and predators.

I've been thinking about the news lately. I told him, "He's not wrong." "But his good name would surely protect you."

Samantha replied, but I didn't hear her. I thought about what Ryder had said earlier. About how similar he was to them. Did he mean the Harvey Weinsteins of the business? Did he think that because he had slept with me, he was like them? He couldn't, though, because it was crazy. He hadn't pretended to meet me for business in a hotel room. I had almost broken into his apartment and stopped him on the way. I was Weinstein if anyone was.

"Anyway," Samantha said, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't say anything. I mean, I know he's suspicious because he told me I had to finish college before I could make any big decisions about my life, and like, your major is a big decision, right? So he is aware.

He just doesn't want to. That's all right. He can stay in the dark, and I'll—"

She left again, just like Samantha always does. When we shared a room in the sorority house, her steady, comforting monologues were my bedtime stories.

Samantha always knew when to talk and when to listen, and she knew I didn't want to talk now. Because she was my best friend, most likely.

As soon as we hung up, I made a half-hearted promise to myself. I would never tell her that her father and I were together. I would never tell that secret to anyone. I imagined that the three of us and this secret would be together for a long time. I imagined seeing him at her wedding. When she talked about him, I nodded and pretended that I was just being polite and wasn't really interested. Even though it hurt, I let my mind wander to the idea that he had finally met someone Samantha didn't hate. They were getting married.

My heart broke at the thought, and I quickly moved away from it.

No, there was no reason to get into this kind of trouble. All I had to do was keep my promise to myself that Samantha wouldn't find out about us. What happened after that, I'd just take it as it came.