THIRTY NINE

Ryder

As soon as Lexie left, I made up my mind. I had to get rid of her so this wouldn't happen again. I shouldn't have let things between us get so bad. And I would have never done it if I had known it was her first time. That's what I told myself, at least. I couldn't say why I did it a second and then a third time, except that she made me do it. I didn't have a clear head around her, and now I had to fucking clean up this mess. I'd never been with a virgin before—Kim was my first, but I wasn't hers—but I thought it meant something when one chose you. meant more than what I was willing to give.

Getting Lexie out of my office was the first step in getting her out of my life. I called the best divorce lawyer for celebrities in town to see if I could get Lexie an internship in her office. She had worked for a few of my clients, and we had been friends for a long time. We had crossed the line between friends and lovers a few times, but neither of us had ever wanted more.

When she picked up the phone, she said, "Well, if it isn't Ryder Williams." "This time, who is it?" Her voice was full of joy. Laura loved a good divorce. More disgusting is better.

I said, "It's not about a divorce."

“Oh?” Her voice changed to a low purr. "Is this for fun or business if it's not for business?"

"No, not really." I told Laura what was going on. I thought about making it look like I was just trying to ask for a favor for my daughter, but I decided against it for two reasons. One, it didn't need to be done. We had spent a few nights together. Nothing to feel like you own.

Two, Laura was an expert at figuring out when someone was lying. Nothing would make her madder than if she found out I lied to protect her feelings, even though she didn't have any worth protecting.

At least not from my point of view.

"Oh Ryder," she said with a deep, throaty laugh. "Oh, you really did it this time. I thought you would know better."

"So did I," I said with a grim face. "We both made mistakes."

"She's going to school for law?"

"Yes, she was accepted this year. She didn't go because she couldn't afford to. Samantha asked me to give her a job and a place to live because of this. I kept tapping my fingers on my desk and looking back at the front door. Where in the world did Lexie go? And why was I so excited to see her when the whole point of this phone call was to never see her again?

Laura said, "It was so nice of you to give her all of that and more."

She laughed again even though I didn't find it funny.

"Okay, okay. She said, "I'll stop." "Listen, I don't need an intern, but I do need someone to work at the front desk. Think you can convince her?"

"I believe that she will be there tomorrow. Thanks, Laura." Just as Lexie walked in, I hung up the phone. She had changed into a black pants suit that showed off her curves and made her look less and less like the college student she had been when she first arrived. She looked like a grown-up woman now. Or maybe my view of her had changed since I turned her into a boy and took away the last traces of her being a girl. No matter what it was, she was too beautiful to stay.

I rang her bell. "Lexie, do you have a minute to come to my office?"

She had just hung up her purse and was greeting Angie in the morning. Now she looked up and looked at me through the glass. It was a cliche to say that she looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but that's exactly what she did. He had eyes bigger than Bambi's and a surprised smile on his lips. She went around to the door, unlocked it, and walked in. She turned around to face me while still holding the door handle in one hand.

I said in a rude way, "I'm not going to bite."

Her cheeks turned red, and I remembered that I had bitten her the night before. I bit into the soft flesh and tried it. I turned my head away and clenched my jaw as I tried to calm down. "This won't work," I said firmly, pointing to the Ficus plant next to my desk. "You can't stay here. Not after…" I turned around and saw that her face had become very pale.

"What do you mean?" Lexie asked with a voice that was shaking. "Are you really going to fire me after—"

I stopped her before she could say what happened next. "No, I'm going to give you a better chance. My friend is one of the best divorce attorneys in this city. She needs someone to help her with the front desk. It will help you learn about the business. You couldn't get better than this here."

Lexie's eyes couldn't see anything. I couldn't tell if she was looking at me or through me, and I had no idea what she was thinking as she listened to me list all the reasons why this would be better.

When I was done, she said quietly, "But none of that matters, does it?" "The focus is on us."

I said, "It's about there not being a us." "What I did last night was wrong."

Lexie lifted her chin, and her eyes lit up like they did when I made her angry.

"What about today?"

I let out a frustrated sigh. "You made another mistake, Lexie. I can't have you around because of this. I'm going to mess up with you again and again, and I don't want to be that jerk."

"And you think that letting me go—"

I told him, "Reassigning you."

"What, that makes you a straight-up guy?" Even though her blue eyes were burning, she kept her voice quiet.

"No, I don't think that makes me a man of integrity," I said, trying hard not to raise my voice. I had to work hard to keep my hands in fists and not say anything. I was trying to get her to leave, but I wanted to pull her closer. Why did I give in to this open-plan office nonsense? If there was a wall between my office and the reception area instead of a window, I could touch her.

And the reason she had to leave was because I was still thinking about touching her.

"I'm not a straight man," I said in a low, rough voice. "We both understand that. That's another reason why Laura is a better choice."

"Fine," Lexie said quickly, cutting off her words. "But you're wrong if you think that will solve the problem."

When she turned around and left, I didn't say anything. It would solve the problem, of course. It would take a few days, but the old saying "out of sight, out of mind" would eventually come true. I turned back to my computer and tried to ignore the shape of her that I could see in the corner of my eye.

I told myself, "Just a few more days."

Lexie didn't show up for lunch. I said to myself, "I'm glad." But when I saw her sitting in the cafeteria with a guy from the media rights advisory team, I made a fist again. I just knew enough about Damian to know that I didn't like him. I told myself that I would fire him if he even forgot to return a phone call.

Lexie laughed at something he said, and the way she was sitting in the sun made her skin and hair look golden. Damian couldn't take his eyes off of her because she was so beautiful. I was going to eat something quick here, but now I've decided to leave.

When Lexie came back from lunch, I was back at my desk with my sandwich. Angie, Mina's temporary worker, was still out, so we were pretty much alone. Lexie was smiling a little, and her cheeks were red, just like they were the first time I kissed her. Had she let Damian, who was a prick, kiss her? When I thought about them being alone in the elevator and him putting his hands on her, my entire body turned to stone. I wouldn't wait for a phone call I missed. I'd fire him right now.

When we looked at each other, I was glad that there was glass between us. When she saw me at my desk, she gave a little jump. She thought I would still be out, like I always was. Then the smile fell off her face. She did a half-challenge, half-question eyebrow raise.

I wanted to call her in by pressing the intercom button. I'd tell her that Damian would never work in this town again if she even saw him in the lobby. But if I let my anger go long enough to do that, I didn't know what else I might do if I was alone with Lexie again.

We were silent for a long time, and I had the feeling she knew exactly what I was talking about. She was waiting to see if the one who couldn't stop her would win or the one who had to.

I also had to wait.

But before either side could win, the door behind her opened and Angie came in. Lexie looked away from her for a moment to smile at her. I kept looking at the back of Lexie's golden head and wondered how many times we'd be in the same situation again. And how I would keep my hands away from her.