"MYSTERY FEELINGS"

"Are you kidding?" Marius asked her with disbelief a few days after her formal engagement with Andrew.

Marius was in her office when he surprised her with a visit. From the papers she was reading, Lana looked up.

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" she knew Marius didn't like what she said. But because the young man was important to her, she chose to ignore it and make a joke and then follow what she said with a weak laugh.

Marius let out a bitter laugh. "I really don't understand you, Lana," he said then let out a heavy sigh.

That was when her chest went up and down and then she decided to look back at the paper she was holding.

"Actually, aside from Mama you are another person I know can understand my decision," she tried to hide the resentment in his voice but he failed.

Marius let out a weak laugh before straightening his seat. "Don't you understand Lana? Oh, you're just really numb?"

That's when she stared at her best friend. "What? Did I hear it right what you just call me?"

"Yes! Since high school, you know how I really feel for you! You're the real reason why until now I haven't been able to commit myself to others. Because the truth is, I still hope that somehow there is this stupid chance that you will have the same feeling for me! Like how I feel for you!" Marius is not raising his voice but Lana felt an intense pain at the uttered words of one of the most important people in her life.

"What are you saying? You always knew that I always see you as my brother, didn't you?" and the young lady completely lost her focus.

"Fuck!" the young man then stood up. "Do I still have to shout in your face that I love you?"

Lana's eyes widened at what she heard. "Marius!"

"Oh what? Why do you look so shocked?" the young man followed what he said with a bitter and weak laugh. "How many times have I told you that I love you? Not just a hundred times that I was able to make you feel that? But it's just like the wind that everything passes through you! Because you really want someone else isn't it? Because there is someone else that you really love but you can't tell me that because you're scared and worried that I might judge you, right?"

"I-I'm sorry," was all Lana could say. "I don't know how deeply you feel for me. I-I thought because you're already dating, because you're moving around with different women, you finally accepted that friendship is all that I can give you," Lana said tearfully and then tried to stand up to approach Marius but he signaled so she was stopped.

"Of course there are women, but did you see any of them stay with me for a long time? Didn't you see that it’s just you? Are you that blind to see and notice that? Because you're the one I love. No matter what I do I can't turn what I feel for you to others," the man was full of resentment in his eyes while staring at her. "Tell me, why can’t it be me, Lana? Why is it not just us? What does he have that you did not see in me?" at that point the young lady felt the seemingly sharp knife cut into her heart. "I can love and give you more than he can, " Lana felt Marius' intense resentment in the tone of his voice and that hurt her so much.

"M-Marius, Andrew is Andrea's father," was her short reply.

"Yes, I know. But I can also be a father to Andrea. I love her like my own," he insisted.

Lana nodded. "I know because I saw that. But whether you admit it or not, we both know it's still different if she has a real and whole family. I don't see anything wrong if I give Andrew a chance with his daughter. And one more thing---," Lana was finally stopped by the other things that she wanted to say out of concern that Marius might be hurt even more.

"Yeah?"

The young lady sighed and then sat down again. "I've already decided Marius. I hope you understand and soon find the reason to be truly happy for me, and Andrea," she said preferring not to look at the young man.

"Is that so?" the man's sarcastic question and answer so she looked up at him. Because of that, the mixture of pain and sadness in Marius' eyes greeted Lana again.

"Please?" she said in a pleading tone.

A bitter smile tore from Marius's lips. "I'm sorry, I want to but right now I can't be happy for you. It's not that easy, because I love you," he said and left her afterward.

Lana's gaze just followed Marius's bulk until he got out of her office. Then her eyes remained fixed on the door where her best friend came out.

One after another she let out a sigh. What is happening hurts her because as she said, besides her Mama Cecille, Marius is the other person she hopes will understand her. But she was wrong.

Soon all the emotions that the young lady had been trying to control before gave in. She didn't want Marius to be gone from her life because she considered him as a real brother.

If only the heart could be taught. But that's all she can really give. Because even if she didn't admit it, she knew in herself that after Richard there was no other man that her heart cherished except Andrew.

And that is why it was not difficult for her to give herself to him. She loves Andrew. She loved the young man dearly. But she can't admit that to him. Because first of all, she also doesn't know what the young man really feels like for her.

Her pride is important to her. Not for any reason but because that is what she got left for herself so she needs you to take care of it.

On many occasions whenever something happens between her and Andrew. The young man has always been the one making the first move. But since he has always been aware of her weakness, she soon gave in to him. And in many cases, often, she becomes aggressive as well.

Lana's face quickly warmed as she remembered what happened between her and Andrew inside her own room where she had been in control of everything.

She never thought she could be like that when it comes to sex. She didn't expect that she had a wild side that even in her dreams and fantasies with Andrew she didn't see.

Andrew is the only one who knows her weaknesses. All she wanted. He knows where to touch her, how to caress her to make her catch her breath. So if she admits to him that Andrea is not the only real reason for her that is why she agreed to marry him, without knowing what his feelings really are for her, what about the scant pride left for her?

What if everything doesn’t work out? What if after a few years of their marriage Andrew get bored and leave her?

It's okay to fall; it's okay to be in love. But it was a different matter when she admitted everything. That is maybe why it becomes harder for her to do that. Because somehow, she had to use her brain and think.

What she really feels for Andrew will remain a mystery, if necessary.