37

A R Y A

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To say I was pissed would be the understatement of the century. I was furious! “Aee”, that was me. At least it “was” me, because as soon as I turned the corner and heard the door slam shut, the simmering anger was gone. The pent-up dam of tears was about to burst and I was about to rush up the stairs and into my chamber when I realized I no longer had my old quarters. Someone else was in my old room now, and I didn't want to go to the room I shared with Xenos. There were too many memories in this room.

So I suddenly sank, powerless, onto the red carpet stairs and squinted my eyes to at least stop the burning in them - in vain. I vigorously wiped the tears from my cheeks.

“You're okay, you're okay, everything's okay, “I repeated the words in my head, whispering them to myself like an eternal mantra. He didn't leave me, he certainly didn't. He performed duties like any other king.

I pressed my hand to my heart and wished that the hellish pain would finally go away, that the gaping wound would close and never open again.

He. Has. Me. Not. Leave. He couldn't, could he? After all, I was his mate, and werewolves didn't just let their mates go. Definitely not.

But the little voice had already crept in, telling me things I didn't want to hear.

“What if? What if he's fed up with me? Maybe he got bored with me? Maybe I annoyed him? Maybe I was a burden to him?”

"No, no, no!" I yelled loudly and stood up. My fists were shaking and I stuffed the nasty little voice back until I couldn't hear it anymore. Xenos wasn't like my father. He was different.

“I would never leave you. I would always be there for you I'm always there for you. No matter when, no matter where, call me and I'll come.”

But where was he now? I needed him, I needed him this morning and I needed him now. More than anything else. So where the hell was he?

I breathed in shakily. Once again he had broken his promise and it seemed as if a rope on the bridge would snap.

Was I wrong about him? Wasn't he who I thought he was?

I knew he was suffering from his pack being attacked, but he wasn't the only one worried. People from my former tribe had also disappeared, found dead. Rowtag, my best friend had become a living puppet.

Naive as I was, I thought we would get through this together. We would trust each other enough to walk the path together. But well, I was wrong. The only thing I could do now was wait out the hours until the ball would start and somehow get this evening over with. Once it was over, we could finally bring this disaster to a close now that we had the formula for confinement.

So I forbade myself any more tears that were already welling up in my eyes. I had cried enough this morning all the times. And that in front of everyone. Before all the Gis of my former tribe; another shame.

I strode through the empty hallways of the large estate, trying to ignore my bare skin, which flashed with every movement in the sun that shone through the large windows. After unpleasant encounters with the “Retanis”, I had packed my leather clothes, which were almost wearable again in the warming weather up here in the north, grabbed a washcloth and retired to the forest for a while. There I had lit a small fire and silently burned my clothes. Silently wiped the wise lines from my skin.

The only thing that held me together in that moment was the thought of finding comfort in his arms. To go to him and just feel whole again, like everything is fine. Like I'm okay with him. As if he would just accept me as I am and be proud of me.

My hands reached for the cool golden banister. It's not like I've never removed the light streaks of makeup, I did it every morning. It was my daily little ritual, wiping my paint off and then putting it back on after washing my body. Every single line, every single curved pattern. They were part of me, they belonged to me.

I could still remember the first time I put it on. I had been six, like all the other children of my tribe, when they had the honor of accompanying their fathers on hunts. It had been one of those rare moments when he'd given his attention to me alone. And I had soaked up every moment, like a sponge absorbing everything that was given to it. Every little second, every nod of approval, every pat on the back and every fatherly rebuke.

Then he had shown me how to mix the color correctly and then apply it to the skin. I'd mimicked him exactly, so keen to get one more little nod.

I had done him credit that evening. Even when I was named “First Arrow of Retanis”, I had done him honor—honour, not pride. Yet I kept those two moments inside me like precious diamonds.

I had already crossed the entrance hall, which was swarming with werewolves preparing for the ball, and was stepping out onto the open intermediate wing when I saw Georgie leaning against one of the arched columns with her back to me.

Relaxed posture, not a full view, and then poor attention too - even with her werewolf hearing. I pulled the knife out of my holster and stalked her like a nimble little cat. Before she knew what was happening to her, I grabbed her with skillful grips, spun her against the post so that she was now facing me and put my knife to her throat. "Lesson One; Always be prepared for an attack."

Georgie stared up at me with a shocked look.

I squeezed a little harder. The blunt side of the blade against her skin, of course. "Now try to free yourself from my grip and steal the knife from me."

"What are these barbaric training methods?"

I let go of Georgie and looked at Cecilia, who knew nothing better than to join us. A completely ruined afternoon I would say. "Those who make you the first arrow!"

She looked at me with pursed lips. "We don't have first arrows here, or whatever you call them."

"Arya, there's no training session scheduled today," Georgie interjected.

Roughly and with a loud grind, I holstered the knife and crossed my arms. Are you serious now? "A warrior is never above honing her martial arts."

She avoided my gaze and almost whispered, "Now is a very bad time."

"You heard her, she doesn't want any training sessions with you." Cecilia smiled slyly. "Come on Georgie, let's go."

"I'll explain, I promise," Georgie whispered to me before following Cecilia.

But I didn't take any more promises. I didn't look after the two, even I probably had that much pride. Instead, I made my way through the struggling crowd of soldiers in the field and headed toward the forest.

I couldn't free Jack, nor was I any help to Rowtag, Georgie didn't want my company, and now I wasn't even enough for Xenos? I swallowed the bitter taste of loneliness.

"Arya!" Zaira stood in the pavilion and waved me over to her.

Maybe it was her urgent look, or just the thought of roaming through the forest alone again that was decisive. Either way, moments later, I found myself in the pavilion next to the delicate, ivory-haired woman and perched on the ivy-covered balustrade. "And has he changed yet?"

Zaira, cradling her six-month-old baby, smiled tenderly at me. "No, not yet. Normally this doesn't happen until a year after birth, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happens to Koray in a few months. After all, a lycan's blood runs in his veins."

Watching her look at her sleeping child with such love, I was sure Koray had the best parents imaginable. Parents who would protect him if necessary, parents who loved him dearly and were proud of him no matter what. I'd always thought I could say the same about Xenos, but now I wasn't so sure. What if he suddenly wasn't there when I needed him? Or more importantly, if our child needed it? What if he just ran away?

"You know, Aramis wasn't always like that with me," Zaira said out of nowhere, staring at the tree line absently.

"What do you mean?" I prompted. I had met them both before they had made their bond, but Aramis was so possessive and gentle with her even then that I couldn't imagine it ever having been otherwise.

She smiled and looked back at me. "You wouldn't believe the words he threw at me when we first met."

"That bad?" I doubted it.

She sat across from me and laughed. "He shuffled me off to another pack, if that's enough for you."

I squinted against the bright sun. "What? Did he know you were mates?”

"Yes, and yet he made it abundantly clear that he didn't want me."

I bit my lip. Well, that reminded me more of myself than Xeno's demeanor. I'd pushed him away from me more than once, and not exactly gently.

"What I'm saying is, don't doubt him right away." She released a hand from her baby's grip and gently stroked my cheek. 'I saw the way he looked at you. As if there were only you in the whole world. We both know him, he'd rather tear his arm off than hurt you on purpose."

She was right, I knew Xenos. Knowing what he would go through just to make me happy. And how could I blame him for these little deeds, knowing how much it all upset him. He was stressed out, carrying the burden of a whole kingdom on his shoulders, and then I came with my backpack full of problems and immediately pilloried him if he didn't drop everything as soon as I summoned him. I'd pushed him back God knows how many times, I didn't have the right to judge him. Nobody had.

As if a stone had fallen from my heart, I let out my held breath. "Thanks, you're right."

"Xenos will see what he did wrong and then apologize," Zaira said, then took her hand from my face and lovingly pushed the small dark strands out of Koray's face. "After all, a mate is worth it all."

And again she was right. Xenos was worth it all.

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