33

"And you told Nate you were coming, but not the reason, right??" I ask while hugging Lia and Lily.

My son's aunts smile and stroke my stomach while I look at them and do not take in their appearances.

It's just been so long and I've missed them both way too much. We talk on the phone almost every day, but finally having her back with me is a different feeling.

I told my lover's two sisters about the pregnancy because I just couldn't hide it from them.

Of course, neither of them likes the fact that I'm withholding his son from Nate, but when I gave my reasons, we agreed and the subject was never brought up again.

Here I am in my dress, ready for my first baby shower and more than happy to finally have all the people I love with me.

I look at the two and the blue ones digging into mine take my breath away as always.

"He often asked why we're flying here, since it's your birthday in September, and we simply said that we're doing a girls' weekend." Lia replies and strokes my stomach in fascination.

"The little one's awake," she laughs, glaring at me with her blue eyes.

"Yes, and he's strong." I sigh and thank Theo for carrying the suitcases upstairs.

"I bought so many things for my little prince and I can't wait to see your reaction!" comes Lily's voice as she grabs a bottle of water from the fridge.

While Lia looks like a goddess in a white summer dress, Lily blows my mind in a blue jumpsuit.

Ever since I got pregnant, I've had even bigger complexes and since I've been deprived of sex for months, I get jealous of everyone and everything far too quickly. I just hope that this will stop with the birth.

"Your presence is gift enough. I'm so glad you're here," I say, about to burst into tears.

"Is everything okay, Sophia? You're crying!" Lily says angrily and comes towards me before I hear my sister's heels clattering on the floor.

"She also cries at children's toy commercials. Don't worry, she's doing great." Flora laughs and hugs the two sisters.

She herself has been an incredible help to me over the last few months and even though we had a lot of bickering in between, I am so grateful to her for all the ups and downs she got through with me.

My sister broke up with Noah for me because he wouldn't accept a long distance relationship and I can't put into words what it all means to me.

"You all just make me so happy," I sigh, wiping the tears from the corners of my eyes.

"It's okay! You're going to break us down here.", Lia laughs and we sit down on the terrace together.

"How is he?" I ask nervously, but only after a while, because even though it's been months, it's all the more difficult for me to talk about Nathaniel.

"If you mean the headlines about him and that beast - they're not true. He just ate with her. All he does is work and get drunk. Oh yeah, plus he works out two hours a day five days a week. He's processing this breakup very slowly and with great difficulty," says Lia while playing with her coffee spoon.

My heart tightens and my chest tightens with every heartbeat. Even my little one realizes how much I'm concerned about his father's condition. He gets very restless and kicks his feet, making me the happiest but also saddest person in the world.

"Did he talk about me?" I ask, swallowing hard to hold back the tears.

"Every time we've been with him," Lily now replies, putting her glass on the table before turning in my direction and taking my hands.

"Sophia, what he did back then was wrong and I'm not going to sugarcoat it or wrap it in cotton wool. I just want you to remember the Nathaniel you met. He is the father of your child. You Don't see him as a monster because if your son asks about his dad one day, you should be able to tell him good and great things about him with a clear conscience. Harrison deserves that idea of his father," she and the blue say around her iris shines brighter than before, seems to pierce me.

"I just can't forgive him..." I sob and look at our clasped hands.

"You shouldn't. Just be careful when you tell him about Harry. Either you do it before he's born or when he's grown." Lily sighs and smiles while reassuring me with her gentle petting.

"What are you thinking, Flora?" I ask, looking into my sister's brown eyes.

"She's right, Bambi. I see Nate in a completely different light, too, but I've known this man for almost three years and if it wasn't for Noah then-" "It's okay," I say, laughing, running my fingers through my hair.

"Give me a couple of nights to think it over," I ask the three of them.

"You still have a total of two months, because then the little one can come at any moment and then it will be too late.", Lia replies monotonously and smiles.

I nod wordlessly and lean back before closing my eyes and letting myself be intoxicated by my panther's beautiful memories.

Nate's POV

The alcohol enters my bloodstream as it does every night and begins to numb the pain that has plagued me for months.

It's been a while and yet it feels like it was just yesterday.

I can still remember exactly how she tastes, smells, feels, how her voice sounds, her moans and her laughter. Every single contour of her body, every single detail of her face and every single characteristic of her character are stored in my head and every time the longing overcomes me, I go back to them.

The way she looked at me before she left me still destroys me to this day and even though I know she is probably suffering as much as I am, my pain seems so unreal.

Again and again I tried to get up but the support I had for a while collapsed from one second to the next and building a ruin is harder than building a new house.

Every time her name is mentioned my chest tightens and at the same time I get hard as a rock. Despite the pain, I desire her and long for her.

A reconciliation seems so impossible and yet I am firmly convinced that Sophia will come back to me. Maybe those are just alcohol-fueled hopes.

I feel something deep in my stomach. I can't say what it is but something still connects Sophia and me.

I would have loved to fly with my sisters to the woman of my dreams, but I would simply be unnecessary and, above all, unwanted there, which is why I decided against the jet and for the whiskey.

At some point this pain will stop and even if it takes years, one day everything will stop.

Sophia's POV

Even the air of New York City is special, so familiar and loved. Even though I've only lived here for almost five months, I've had the best time of my life in the city that never sleeps.

So here I am. Heavily pregnant next to John, who looks at me surprised but also more than overwhelmed, in front of the building where my lover and I have already shared so many moments.

I thought about this decision for a week and finally brought myself to come back to New York with my girls and tell Nate about my pregnancy. It cost me many hours of sleep and just as much nerve, but I'm already here and now there's no turning back.

I feel the driver's eyes on me and when I turn my head to him, he's smiling.

"You look beautiful, Mrs Hamilton," he says, holding the door open for me.

"Thank you, John. For everything. I couldn't say goodbye to you but somehow I also knew that it wouldn't be goodbye forever.", I reply and enter the building.

Keys in my fist and half dead on the floor from nervousness, I wait for the elevator, can't believe this is all really happening.

I'm terrified of Nate's reaction and on the plane I was already imagining the worst possible scenarios that could happen.

Hoping that things will turn out differently, I enter the private elevator and ride up to the man of my dreams.

My heart is pounding loudly against my chest and my throat is tight.

When I get to the top floor and the doors open, I hold my breath because in front of me is a boxer-clad Nathaniel Vance.

His face is marked by insomnia and yet he still seems beautiful. He's gotten bigger and more muscular, his muscles more defined and the veins on his arms are much more visible.

So everything the girls said is true.

My poor panther has tried to work out his grief in sports and alcohol and seems to have failed miserably.

"Sophia.", he says and his voice is totally hoarse.

I look into his eyes and when I see the tears in them I swallow hard.

"Hi, Nate," I mumble nervously, just as I greeted him by his name the first time.

I enter my panther's apartment and always let my eyes rest on him, enjoying his appearance and the feeling of pure excitement that he triggers in me.

Despite my self-esteem complexes, especially during pregnancy, Nathaniel manages to make me feel sexy and desirable just through his looks.

I stand in front of him in an airy, green summer dress and flat shoes, and he looks at me as if I weren't standing in front of him heavily pregnant.

"You're - pregnant?" he asks, swallowing.

"Yes," I reply, and I've been dreading this moment for weeks.

But while I'm expecting shouts and accusations, threats and insults, all Nate does is come up to me and put his hand on my stomach.

"In what month?", "In the eighth." I say, the words finally not feeling like tons on my tongue anymore.

"It's my child?"

I just nod and before I even begin to realize what he's doing, he's already kneeling in front of me and lifting my dress.

Goosebumps cover my whole body as Nate starts kissing my stomach and the fact that he's crying while doing this makes me cry too.

The dam of my pent-up hormones suddenly breaks and I let the tears flow freely.

This moment is too beautiful, much more beautiful than I could have ever dreamed of.

I can feel my little one slowly realizing that something is happening and when he starts to kick, I get an indescribably great smile from Nate.

"It's a boy, isn't it?" he asks, laughing as he keeps kissing the places where the kicks were made.

"His name is Harrison Robert Hamilton," I reply, and when our eyes meet, I sigh loudly.

"You don't want him to have my name and that's okay. It's okay. You're here and you're pregnant and Sophia I can't explain how happy I am right now. I just thank you so much, for giving me these beautiful moments. Maybe one day you will forgive me and until that day comes I will wait. I love you Sophia. For you I would kill and die. On top of all that, I just want you to know How sorry I am about everything," he breathes, pressing his forehead against mine and running his hands restlessly over my body.

"I love you Nate. He doesn't have your last name because I didn't want to tell you about him, but I've been thinking and I just couldn't keep it from you. I want you in my life and our son's, just please, give me time." I gasp, kissing away his tears that seem to burn my skin like acid.

"You'll get time from me for the rest of my life. I just want to thank you. I don't know how I'll ever be able to pay my debts again..." Nate whispers and the tiredness in his voice makes me shiver.

"We can start with your last name and then we'll see..." I reply and look into his eyes with a smile.

We are far from repaired but we will take our time and eventually we too will lead a happy life together. We just need a lot of time and patience.

My beautiful lover's face shines even more uniquely in the fireplace and I feel the connection between us slowly but surely intensifying again.

He caresses my stomach in steady movements and I clearly enjoy it far too much.

"How did you react when you found out about the pregnancy?" he asks thoughtfully, looking into my eyes.

The green in them doesn't seem to shine brighter or more intensely due to the pain of the last few months, takes my breath away even more than it already does.

"I was surprised and god knows I wasn't really excited at first but it got better as the weeks went by. Then I really realized I was pregnant and that's when I first heard his heartbeat. Too if he's born small, my gynecologist said he'll still be strong and developed," I tell him, finally daring to make physical contact again.

My hand hesitantly moves to his cheek, but as I feel his bearded skin beneath my palm, my chest fills with an intense rush of happiness.

"Why will he be small? Haven't you eaten enough? Or is it some other health reason?" he asks angrily and I feel his eyes fill with uneasiness.

"No, he just takes after my family. Roven was also just 19" when he was born and my dad was very small too. He's fine and I thank God for that every day," I reply, watching him slowly move calmed down.

"How did you come up with his name?", "Harrison is just a beautiful name and I've always said that I'm going to name my son my father's name, that's why Robert. But if you want a different name, then we can like to change it up," I say as my hands slide deeper into his hair and I reflexively pull at the ends, simply because I missed the feel of his curls between my fingers.

"Harrison is beautiful and as long as you like him I don't mind." Nate replies, giving me his beautiful smile, which also reaches his eyes and lights up his face.

"You can name our daughter, so - if we should ever have one...", I murmur at first, totally enthusiastic and yet I become calmer when I realize what I'm actually talking about.

Future plans are not really what I want to discuss right now.

"I'm amazed that you believe so strongly that you can be happy with me." Nate replies and the light in his face immediately disappears again.

"We'll be happy eventually Nate, you just have to believe and be patient." I say, probably sounding totally confident in myself, even though I have my doubts.

I pull his head closer to mine and trace the beautiful contours of his face with my fingers.

"I'll do my best, but I can't and won't promise you that.", "I'll have to live with that." I mumble and kiss his cheek.

"You're going to keep your distance for now, right?" Nate asks cautiously and I see in his eyes that he already knows the answer to that question.

"It will be difficult for me, but yes. It does-", "Don't apologize. I made all these mistakes, your reaction is justified and understandable. I love you Sophia and I love our son. As you said before : One day we will be happy too." He only whispers before he kisses my forehead and then hugs me tightly.

It feels so familiar, like I've finally arrived home after a long journey, and while things are likely to get harder, I'm looking forward to the coming weeks.